Leaving alcoholic husband

[helloblodyn]

My husband drinks around 70 units a week, has fallen i to a self loathing with work/life, says he hates life in general and feels that he cannot cope with being a new father. He is receiving professional help for an eating disorder.

Throughout my pregnancy and our babys short life so far we have been in a cycle of arguments which end up in me being blamed for whatever worries he has. The situation is emotionally abusive eg I am told to shut up if I bring up his drinking, called an idiot, he threatens me with his own life, he tells me I need to change, he says i am 50% responsible for this, threatens to sell the house, tells me I need to work longer hours so he can go part time.

I have decided I've had enough but when I have told him we would be better separated for baby's sake before this affects my wellbeing anymore he refuses to accept it, raises an argument then some time later carries on as if nothing has happened. Makes comments about looking forward to future events. He is in complete denial and terrified of what 'the world' will think if his perfect life turns out to be a fraud. He seems to only think about himself.

Has anyone had any experience of this type of situation who can share their experiences?

He is in the house in separate rooms, because he doesn't want me to get fond or used to him not being here? Although offered to go away for a couple weeks this weekend as he has a place to stay so Im going to accept that.

The space will be good for you to catch your breath. Just keep inching along and you will get there. It’s none of your concern that he hasn’t come to terms with it - you don’t have to wait for him - that doesn’t dictate the timetable.

Will you be doing more joint therapy with him?

Have you some nice people to surround you for the weekend?

I am feeling all over the place at the moment. Things have been very good the last week or so. For the first time I feel like he has enjoyed spending time with our baby. I am pushing away thoughts that this is an act as I really want him to sort himself out and have a relationship with her. He has been great in general and not drank, and is saying he has had the sock of his life and intends to make things right.

The trouble is I do not feel that in love feeling, despite cari for him and wanting him to get better, and I can't say for certain he won't return to his old ways. How can he have changed so much in just a few weeks after being removed from the house but failed to do it before for me?

He has offered to stay away for a few weeks and when I said yes he seemed shocked and angry, as if he couldn't believe I'd ask for this despite all the positive steps he's made. Now he has gone and I feel very down, lonely, confused and weak. It would be so much easier to just get on with things but I keep coming back to that place where I don't want to have any other children with him, and lets be honest don't fancy trying to make them anyway, and I don't feel anything positive about him being here other than that i'm scared of the pressure of doing it alone.

I guess I am not dragging my feet because of the huge task ahead. Despite telling him I can't continue he is still asking what I want, forcing em to say it again only for him to say he can make me see sense. He says he won't carry on like this forever and needs to know one way or the other... so I guess I will gather my strength next few days, get my head in a good place now that he is away and we will have a final discussion about it. It seems to be that I get emotional when i discuss it but he doesn't and that sort of makes me feel more vulnerable- i was thinking of writing it all down to help me process it all what do you all think?

Keeping a journal for yourself is really important - it helps you track your feelings and the evidence of his behaviour along a timeline during v confusing periods.

You sound like you are detached from him. The love has evaporated. You care for him as a human being and his recovery is important for your DD. All of these things can exist at once - it doesn’t mean you need to be married or in a RS with him or are responsible in anyway for him or his recovery.

You said that he claimed he changed in the 2 weeks he was away. But I think within this thread you have said that he visited drunk deliberately to be spiteful and another time you found bottles under the pram. AA suggest that someone needs to be sober for a whole year, no relapses, before they should be in a relationship. He isn’t there.

Don’t be driven by FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) they are always the wrong reasons to do anything or live a certain way.

Being a single mother is INFINITELY much easier than being a mother with an abusive, alcoholic, or partner with MH issues. Also it’s not about ease for the adults - it’s about what is best for the children.

This is an emotional journey that is not a straight line. It’s bumpy, it’s a bit like snakes and ladders, but you are going in one direction.

OP, I think you are doing brilliantly. I am also trying to make my alcoholic H understand that I am ending the marriage. Alcoholism is extremely corrosive to a relationship and, in my experience, obliterates trust, respect and affection. How can you have a marriage without those? Please also try not to crumble in the face of his (probably temporary) efforts to quit and the promises that go with it. If he’s anything like my H, that is a response to the situation becoming difficult and feeling the consequences of his problem. When we give in to that and the dust settles a bit, the drinking tends to ramp straight back up again. Getting out whilst your DC is still a baby will be much easier on them than waiting until they are older and more aware.

Definitely do write it all down and list back to yourself all those moments where he’s messed up - cans in the pram etc etc. It really helps to see how “not normal” life has become, despite it having become your everyday experience. Very best of luck. x

Thank you all so much. I take a lot of energy from your messages. It's not nice to hear of others suffering the same, but it is reassuring that These feelings are normal and that there is a way out. I have just had a little cry whilst walking around the neighbourhood for nap time.
I have decided with a heavy heart that the house is now full of negative memories and that I would be better making a clean break and getting a smaller mortgage which will lessen my financial burden and stress.
I am really worried he will try to take the house- he doesn't deserve it. I do see that my thoughts are more on the financial/logistical side and not so much on the relationship and so I am definitely detached from him.
I know he will try his best to get anything he can out of me once he notices his hold over me is gone. His tone changed instantly this afternoon when I said that I still wanted him to leave. Similar to how our arguments usually finish- a sulk from him, sour threats and him whilst leaving the room having decided not to answer me anymore.
I am waiting for legal papers in the post- I feel this is the only way it will sink in for him and for me to power forwards.

It is very difficult to end a relationship with an alcoholic - they are used to denial and minimising and so being confronted with harsh consequences is a huge shock to the system. I stayed with my alcoholic husband for years because I couldn’t stand the through of him having unsupervised time with our young children. When we split he repeatedly threatened / attempted suicide. It ended with him having to see the children in a contact centre which was traumatic and stressful for them. I wish I’d left much sooner. You are doing the right thing.

How can he take the house from you?

Invest in top lawyers. I also think that if he is threatening to go part time and his physical and MH are deteriorating that you should go for a clean break settlement - because he will punish you by not working (or he will just be too ill to work) so any maintenance agreed will never be paid. You cannot count on him financially in the short or long term.

Selling up and getting a smaller mortgage - for now - is a v emotionally intelligent decision.

You need to ease the pressure on yourself so that you can cope with this v difficult time. You may chose to do less hours at work, or pay for babysitting/yoga/holidays etc instead of bigger bills and a bigger mortgage for the next few years - it just means that you are investing in quality of life for you and your DD rather than bricks and mortar. It will only be for a few years and you will reap the rewards of protecting your physical and emotional health in this difficult time.

You have many reasons to end the relationship - some might suggest (eg others who have walked this path or who’s parents were alcoholics) an obligation even to your DD to do so.

No one needs a big long list to end and relationship - it is your prerogative at any time.

The issue here is he cannot accept it and you feel some obligation to help him to come to terms with it. You have no such obligation and this seems to be the hardest most painful part that could drag this out.

Maybe some individual professional therapy for a couple of months would keep you emotionally supported, protected and on track?

You really are giving your DD the best life long gift. Take strength from that.

All that you are saying is right. I don't want to be working all hours to keep the house. It's that situation of if only i could see 12 months from now!

He has another property and I am worried he will sell this which will enable him to buy this property with a smaller mortgage. I have put more money into this house over the years but from the advice I've been given this means nothing as all will be 50:50.

A few weeks ago I considered walking away with just my baby and a backpack so I guess it doesn't matter in the end. He says he has regretted this house and threatened to sell it countless times during arguments so he'd take it out of spite.

I wish we could be adults and accept everything but I know I am foolish to expect that.

Try and rise above the house stuff and believe that what you have won is infinitely more precious and enduring. Don’t get emotionally attached to the bricks and mortar a fresh new start where he has no shadow would be better anyway.

The other way to look at it is whatever he gets or has - it’s coming your DD’s way ultimately.

Have you considered a clean break - don’t know how they would do the sums if you went without maintenance?

Not really looked into 'clean break'- the maintenance I'd receive wouldn't cover her nursery fees if I were working part time so it's not part of my financial planning anyway.

I will research clean break now, but I want her to have a relationship with him if he sorts himself out. Surely she deserves some maintenance off her Dad? We both have good jobs.

Ok had a look, by maintenance in your post I assume you mean spousal maintenance as from what I'm reading he will have to support the baby either way. This is the plan I had, I just didn't have a name for it. I don't require any money from him to support me, and I don't want him to have access to my pension.

I was thinking of getting a larger cut of assets “upfront” in lieu of child maintenance? I am not sure if it is possible - but if he has a long term deteriorating health condition it might be advantageous to you - especially if he already has assets......and there is the risk that mental and physical health will curtail his earning capacity - I don’t know if it’s possible or advisable - might be something to ask a lawyer.

Ah ok yes, I am planning a meeting so will add this to my list of questions. Would need to be a sizeable chunk though as she is only a baby and he legally needs to give child maintenance until she's 18-21? I guess of he stops working he can say that he can't... minefield

How has your week been?
Is he giving you space for 2 weeks in the house?

Yes i have had peace at the house. Spoke again a few days ago on neutral territory about my feelings still being the same and i think it's only now he has let it sink in. It was awful. There was pleading, he felt i was being unfair. He thought at end of 2 weeks we would carry on as normal. Not sure what will happen next.

It’s going into the 8th week since you started this thread - so take strength from the fact that YOU have covered a lot of ground.

You do know what will happen next - if you just keep going - looking straight ahead, putting one foot in front of the other - you will give your baby a calm and peaceful home and a joyful, emotionally healthy life.

What happens with him? Those are his choices to make (see phase 2) but you will see them coming and be ready.

You are doing great. Are you seeing a counsellor individually to support you through this? What are you next steps legally?

Yes phase 2 has really landed now. I haven't seen a counsellor individually for a while. I was seeing relate but they said they couldn't continue because of the elements of abuse. I'm not sure where to turn with that. But I'm also sick of saying the same story again.

I feel I have good support and people around me willing to listen. I felt so awful after the conversation and so confused as to why he hadn't accepted the message before. We have lived separated whether together in the house or with him away for a while now. I feel a lot of shame in doing this. All those people who came to my wedding not that long ago. I should have been on to this sooner.

Seeing solicitor this week- asking about clean break.

Turn that shame away and replace it with pride that you have taken some v difficult decisions to give your baby the last life that you can - and it will all be good.

The confusion is emotional gaslighting by him. Don’t keep exposing yourself to him. It’s up to him to catch up with what’s going on. Your priority is conserving positive energy for yourself and your baby.

How has this week been? Is he due to move back in this weekend?

Hi thanks for checking in. He's not mentioned or assumed coming back just keeping his distance and letting everything settle I think at the moment. Solicitor promised me paperwork but taking forever. I am doing ok and settled into a nice routine x

Stay strong. You're doing brilliantly. Don't let him back in your house, as he isn't yet in recovery. If he was, he'd be aware that it'll be one day at a time for the rest of his life, and he wouldn't be telling you he's 'cured' after a fortnight of staying off the drink. He's kidding himself and trying to kid you. Definitely try to ensure you receive as much money upfront as possible rather than relying on the prospect of future maintenance, as the chances are he'll continue to drink and long term that will affect his job and his health.

Don't let him back in. Any 'positive change' is very unlikely to be sustainable.
I kicked out my exH when I realised he couldn't even walk the dog without taking a tin of beer (or 2) in his pocket. He was a nasty drunk but managed to carry on working as he'd drink solidly from getting in from work til about 9pm and passing out on the sofa.

He had about 2 weeks of being the perfect husband after that, coming around and cooking a fancy meal, fixing the shed when I was at work. Of course he couldn't sustain it.
It's hard going at times as a single parent, but its absolute delight to not be worried about what sort of mood he will be in, whether he will fly off the handle at the slightest thing, whether he has cases of beer stashed in the garage so he can drink them and think I don't realise.
I've never regretted kicking him out and years on he is drinking more than ever, his health is suffering and his moods are as nasty as always. At least I don't have to put up with them now. I deserved better.
You deserve better.

Hi everyone, knowing my situation now, would anyone have any recommendations of types of counsellor I need to find to help me through this? As my previous counselling with relate axed me due to the details of the situation.

OH is now suddenly taking things very fairly, logically but is extremely upset. I feel like I'm having to go through the grief of this all again alongside him, because I feel guilt and mournful again of the life we should have had now that he's being kind about it all. Keep thinking about all the things i've been through as a reminder. He says I haven't given him a chance to change- that things in work have finally been settled and we should have trialled living closer to his work and see how he felt. Giving me lots of complements and being sad about my decision but respecting it.

I don't want any bad to come to him. Feeling all over the place and drained.

He just sounds like he's continuing to be controlling and manipulative. The last tactic didn't work so he's trying out a new one to get his control back. He's had endless chances and the truth is nothing will change. It's time for you to save yourself.

Your grief for the future you once dreamed of is a natural process. Don't let him tap into that to control you.

To go back to the question at the top of your post, I think you need trauma therapy, but the particular kind that is helpful varies from person to person. Working with a therapist with experience in this area would be helpful. While things are still on going you may not be able to start working actively on the trauma and just benefit from a safe place to start stabilising.

Take care