Leaving alcoholic husband

[helloblodyn]

My husband drinks around 70 units a week, has fallen i to a self loathing with work/life, says he hates life in general and feels that he cannot cope with being a new father. He is receiving professional help for an eating disorder.

Throughout my pregnancy and our babys short life so far we have been in a cycle of arguments which end up in me being blamed for whatever worries he has. The situation is emotionally abusive eg I am told to shut up if I bring up his drinking, called an idiot, he threatens me with his own life, he tells me I need to change, he says i am 50% responsible for this, threatens to sell the house, tells me I need to work longer hours so he can go part time.

I have decided I've had enough but when I have told him we would be better separated for baby's sake before this affects my wellbeing anymore he refuses to accept it, raises an argument then some time later carries on as if nothing has happened. Makes comments about looking forward to future events. He is in complete denial and terrified of what 'the world' will think if his perfect life turns out to be a fraud. He seems to only think about himself.

Has anyone had any experience of this type of situation who can share their experiences?

Thanks for the motivation. I am now being told that if im definitely saying its over to let him know and he wont bother going through with the steps to get better. No thought spared for his child it seems and getting better for her.

Is that a threat then? Blaming you? Making you responsible? So he is holding his DC/wife hostage to his addiction/MH issues?

Nice. Here we go phase 2. Please be careful.

Seriously if he has 20+ years of major addictions and MH issues - he is probably a lost cause as often this would be a deteriorating and progressive situation. He will be so entrenched. With most addicts their best chance of recovery is hitting rock bottom - once you leave with his child he might wake up and smell the coffee. I hope he does for your baby’s sake as they will have a RS with him long term even if you don’t.

Are you starting back to work this week?

Yes I'm back at work now. The alcohol is just one element of a bigger issue but everyone him/his family are just focussing on 'have just less to drink and she'll be happy'. I have read a lot about the narcissistic abuse cycle as i am just so dissapointed in myself for entering into this with someone like this.

Now all the things he says or does follows those patterns and it helps me understand whats happening.

I have looked into other places i could go if needed but am trying to see if he will come round to being decent and allowing me some space. At the moment he is acting completely normal. But i am used to that- so easy to say oh lets see how we go but i feel i have crossed the peak now to the other side where all i can think about is a life without this.

I hope that your return to work has gone OK - maybe it will give you some space and semblance of normality?

Don’t be disappointed that you find yourself here. It was an elaborate, manipulative, trap from day one. If you have done your research you will now know all about the love-bombing, the charm, the charisma the intensity to make you feel extra special. Anyone would be sucked into that.

It’s good that you are well informed on NPD - it means that you know the trajectory of behaviours and repeated cycles of abuse.....so you know that this “normal” phase has a time limit and that he won’t be reasonable at all - he will see you leaving him as the biggest assault on his fragile Narc ego and this will illicit the biggest rage, revenge and punishment campaign that will go on for years - that’s why you to be hyper vigilant and log everything with immediate contingency plans in place involving police, family and friends. One strike and plans kick into action as he is emotionally (and as we don’t know yet) potentially physically v dangerous.

Don’t expose yourself or your baby to anymore of his screaming, rowing, harassing - you have both been injured enough to date. Grey rock as best you can - but it is not emotionally healthy to be under the same roof as him.

Yes his relatives are minimising and gaslighting you - throwing you a distracting bone of hope that “the drinking” is the issue and can be “sorted”. One if it was ONLY alcoholism - it’s far from easily sorted - but as they know and you now know it is much darker and more complex than this.

They just want to palm him off on you. They know the truth.

Damage limitation now. Be v open and close to your friends and family - these are the weeks and months that you need their love and support and they will gladly give it.
Enjoy your baby. Get the legals moving ASAP. Get a v v good lawyer - someone v v experienced at dealing with these types as he will attempt to drag it out, frustrate and obfuscate the process which will erode your MH and finances but a top lawyer will have seen it all before and be one step ahead of his tactics - so will save you money and turmoil in the long run.

My H said the same thing to me last night - he’s not going to bother with getting better if I’m not going to support him, what he doesn’t realise that after many years of problem drinking and some might say controlling behaviour, I don’t know if I can support him. My head is in a spin, you are so brave Helloblodyn, I hope I can find your strength.

Ok so I am well i to phase 2. He has told me tonight that he has booked us into counselling. I have reinforced my position again and have told him that he is forcing me to stay under the same roof as him and he is not accepting my wishes.

I have been told to go, that he will pay for the house himself and he will quit his job and just be happy at last. Still sticking to the same story of how dare I not realise how hard this is for him. That I should appreciate this is pretty normal for a new dad to feel.

I asked him why can't he go back to his parents and give me space as being in this space is obviously not making him happy. He has told me not to worry about him, he will stay here and get on with his miserable life. He is also extremely paranoid about any meetings I have with friends and family. I'm not sure how he will respond next.

I have 4 offers of places to go should I need them.

I have found this forum a great help in just maintaining the strength. I am sad that others are suffering / have suffered this path before me but also positive that I am not alone and that others have made it through.

Interesting that he is paranoid about you meeting family and friends - he is worried that his nasty secret is out. Do you think that one of you family or friends or one of his family would come to speak with him and appeal to his “better nature” to ask him to move out rather than you and the baby move until the house is sold?

Would you be comfortable asking his family to do this or one of your family or friends? How do you think he would react?
Would he erupt in rage or comply meekly?

His brother and close friend have been over the last few days and both been unable to get any real answers from him. One has said to him we need to separate but he said he's prepared to fight for me because he loves me. He's now wanting to do anything to save is. He's booked us in for couple counselling apparently. I'll go to that just to tell my story I guess.

Do not go to couples counselling with him. It is the golden rule with abusive RS. It is always counselled against as it is v dangerous. His type will just continue to emotionally exploit and abuse you in a v vulnerable setting. They are often able to fool the therapist by charm, lies and fake emotion. They will just be mining for ammunition - everything you say will be twisted and used to beat you with in and out of the session. Walking into counselling is the opposite of grey rock.

This will just be a delaying tactic and one where he gets to accuse, abuse and exploit you. There is nothing to be gained and a lot to be lost.

Do not go to counseling with him

I am concerned as there's not a lot I can say without letting him know things that I don't want him to know- who I've spoken to etc. I just feel my resolve is dropping because he is at the house and now this. I feel suffocated by it all and trying to avoid him in the house, not having my own space to relax. I can't get him to leave.

Do not go to couples counselling with him.

Where are you at with regards to legal advice, specifically divorce proceedings?. This needs to be started asap if it has not already.

You are worried about what he will do next. Keep re-reading the thread from the start - that will give you the basis of his behaviour because that is who he is - and then google ‘leaving the narcissist / divorcing a narcissist’ and you will get all of the escalated phase 2 antics, hysterics, threats, abuse, controlling and obfuscating tactics.

Have you plans for the weekend? Can you take your baby away to stay with someone?

You really don’t need to be immersed in the full horror of his fragile ego exploding. Do not engage or expose yourself or your baby to it.

If you are unable to get his brother to persuade him to leave the house then you need another plan.

If he is drunk, aggressive and verbally threatening to you in your own home - call the police immediately and have him arrested. They will take it v seriously and he would be charged and bailed but not allowed to return to your home - the scene of the incident.

I’m sorry you’re in such a stressful situation OP. It sounds incredibly difficult. I know you said you’ve had legal advice not to leave the house but is there anyway around that, or any way to move forward?

Also I really don’t recommend counselling with him. I’ve had to spend a fair bit of time over the last 12 months talking to abuse specialists because of my sister-in-law’s emotionally abusive relationship, and they all seem to agree that couple counselling when one party is manipulative/abusive is a very bad idea.

OK you need not to feel suffocated trying to avoid someone in your own home.

You need to be able to relax - your baby needs a calm and focused Mum - not one anxious, scared, preoccupied.

So put both of your emotional well-being above everything for now, which means finding a calm and peaceful space to live at this time. This would be necessary if you were just going back to work after mat leave and settling baby into nursery - but you are dealing with so much more.

I would move out for a couple of weeks. Maybe in that time his brother will persuade him to move out and let you move in - but if not I would just stay away and let the lawyers sort it out. Also with someone like him you need to be going for a clean break settlement as he has already told you he hates his job, wants to go part time, wants to give up work etc - and he most likely will do this to punish you - so there will be no monthly maintenance - that’s if he does that directly. He will probably also lose his job become ill as his alcoholism and MH deteriorates rapidly.

What is the long term plan - to sell the home - or one of you to buy the other out?

Be careful about applying “fair and rational” rules and expectations to this situation. He will want revenge and these types play nasty. Remember never wrestle with a pig - you will both fall down and get dirty - but the pig loves it.

Plan a safe relaxing emotional space for you and your baby for the weekend to think through the next few weeks. Think about blocking him for a few days.

Take yourself out of punching distance. You both need some TLC after your first week back and nursery start.

He is not going to give you both that.

I went to look at houses yesterday if I was unable to or he refused to let me buy him out. I've also looked into renting a flat for a few months if needed- I just feel so angry that he would allow me and baby to leave our home when he's used the house and our life as a reason why this is happening.

You know it's so difficult to have felt this way for so long and to know it is the right thing but to hear now how sad he is and how he can't believe this is happening and are we not worth trying? I couldn't sleep last night feeling guilty and anxious. I feel like i'm going behind his back making these arrangements.

I am in touch with a solicitor making arrangements but still feel anxious and sneaky doing this. Part of me wants to buy another property do it up and walk away one day to live there.

The guilt is his emotional manipulation working. It is working as he has access to your head. But you know his behaviours are intolerable to your baby’s need for a calm and peaceful home.

His line saying that he came over to visit your baby drunk when you were separated was deliberate and done to spite you is literally telling you who he is.

Keep exploring options and making plans. Tell him nothing. Grey rock. Drop the rope and the guilt (emotional manipulation) will vanish. Get you and your baby to a safe emotional place surrounded by people who care for you both. He doesn’t.

Feel v v angry that he would allow your baby’s little life to be so disrupted by making you move out to suit his own stubborn, selfish needs. V shocking.

You are doing really well here. You have achieved an awful lot since you started this thread 4 weeks ago.

Seeing houses is demonstrating that you logical brain is problem solving and moving ahead. Your emotional brain is just taking some time to come to terms and catch up. This tension is exhausting but you will find balance in time - once you have some peace and space away from him to settle, process your feelings and think straight.

Thank you again for your energy and motivation. I don't have anywhere to go for weeks at a time, probably could escape of a night or so... the point is I shouldn't have to I guess. Work has gone well and I'm feeling more confident now.

I was a bit sad about something my mum said today- she said this man has tried to change my identity, has diluted my tastes, refers to me as 'my wife' even to my family. She said she's held held her tongue but wanted to shout she has a name!!! That's given me a fresh fire. Hope you all have a good weekend and that others posting on here in similar situations are ok

Keep talking to your Mum, keep going with your plans

How has your weekend gone Helloblodyn ? Did you get any peace and respite? How are the next few days looking for you?

Thank you for asking. I had some time with family and his family have persuaded him to stay with them tonight. I think it may just be for the evening but it's something. Looking forward to getting this week done and baby settled in nursery.

Unfortunately there was a severe low point on Friday when I found a couple empty bottles under my baby's pram. It's hard for me to even write that here anonymously let alone tell any family members it's that revolting to me. He showed remorse and knew the severity of what he'd done and was endlessly sorry. apparently he was going to put them in a public bin so I wouldn't have a go at him for having a beer. I felt physically sick and was reminded of why I'm on this thread. I'm dreading the comments about this. But it's almost like therapy to say it.

I am glad that you have some space this evening at least.

With regard to the bottles I would call his parents and brother and tell them what you found. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. All of this needs to be out for all of your sakes. No secrets or covering up.

They need to know the scale and depth of the issues.

They need to know what you are dealing with and the risk that he poses to your baby. He should never be left alone with her - even hungover he will be clumsy / careless etc.

I would use this as an opportunity to tell them that you can’t have him under your roof and that they need to get him into rehab. Etc.

I would also tell him that you are not doing joint counselling with him - any counsellor worth their salt wouldn’t engage with someone so deeply active at this stage of alcoholism.

Just take it day by day. But keep involving everyone - this all needs to to exposed.

You have done well. Good luck with nursery and work this week. Push the button with the lawyers and get yourself a v experienced psychotherapist to guide you through this.

Hi everyone. We have had a great start to nursery and I feel relief that baby has settled well and empowered that I am back at work and earning money.

I know I was advised against it but I did go to the counselling session- it wasn't what I expected. I was so anxious but all that came of it was the counsellor saying he has deep rooted mental health issues and alcohol addiction. Told him to take responsibility of himself. We didn't scratch the surface but I think he expected it was all going to get talked out and I would realise my wrong doing. He sat relaxed back on the sofa the whole time whereas I thought I was going to vomit.

My legal proceedings continue and I am waiting for some documents. I've also made checks about how much of a mortgage I'd be granted myself. All daunting but I can't shift the feeling that it's right.

Has anyone gone through the actual process of separation- whilst we are separated but not sorted the financials can I still live in my home? I'm dreading having to move and hoping can take over the mortgage but he will fight it out of principle.

I am really pleased that nursery has got off to a good start and work is giving you some distraction and fulfilment. That creates a nice stable base for you - and you seem to be moving on with the legals and practicalities. Someone will be along soon with advice.

Don’t let your guard down with him - I am sure he won’t be happy about the therapy - and he may well come up with another tactic or pull another stunt.

Is he back in the house again?