Leaving alcoholic husband

[helloblodyn]

My husband drinks around 70 units a week, has fallen i to a self loathing with work/life, says he hates life in general and feels that he cannot cope with being a new father. He is receiving professional help for an eating disorder.

Throughout my pregnancy and our babys short life so far we have been in a cycle of arguments which end up in me being blamed for whatever worries he has. The situation is emotionally abusive eg I am told to shut up if I bring up his drinking, called an idiot, he threatens me with his own life, he tells me I need to change, he says i am 50% responsible for this, threatens to sell the house, tells me I need to work longer hours so he can go part time.

I have decided I've had enough but when I have told him we would be better separated for baby's sake before this affects my wellbeing anymore he refuses to accept it, raises an argument then some time later carries on as if nothing has happened. Makes comments about looking forward to future events. He is in complete denial and terrified of what 'the world' will think if his perfect life turns out to be a fraud. He seems to only think about himself.

Has anyone had any experience of this type of situation who can share their experiences?

It sounds like he wants to be the victim and not take responsibility for his own behaviours/actions, so he is blaming you. It won't change.

My father was an alcoholic and I spent most of my childhood wishing my parents would split up (they did when I was 28). It was just an endless cycle of the build up of drinking, culminating in massive arguments (sometimes violence), and then everything being swept under the carpet with a short period of good behaviour, before the drinking started again, and then the build up to more arguments.

It's left me with lots of issues. Just leave him and show your child how life and relationships can be happy and healthy.

Thank you all for the motivation. I am doing grey rock which seems to be infuriating him. I just wish to move on quickly but i want what's fair- seems I can't get both. It's good to know financial and child arrangements are separate. My problem is he is going back on one in order to achieve the other. I want him to keep the arrangement for the child but just sort the financial side, without blackmailing me. I am so sad to see how common this type of situation is

The benefit of this being common is that lawyers have seen these types time and time again. There are also many women who have been through this and can share their experience.

You will get what is fair - he is not above the law. If you have his family on side maybe speak with them on the side. He has the option of getting to exact the same point in financial terms either cost effectively or v costly - both in ££££ and emotions MH.

These types will try to be disruptive but often settle just before court. So call his bluff and keep moving forward graciously - like you have on every single step of this journey.

Him choosing to go for more contact time absolutely does not mean he will get it. He might even only get supervised contact given you can never know if he's been drinking.

Go hard on the financial settlement. Any money you don't get will be spent on beer instead of, say, music lessons for the little one in a few year's time and you will kick yourself.

What he is trying is common with abusive men. The courts are used to it. He seems all powerful to you. The courts will see a jumped up alcoholic dickhead. Hold your nerve.

The courts will see a jumped up alcoholic dickhead.

He will know this as well and his shame will finally stop him going to court at the v last minute.

Know this. Pace yourself. Play this last tedious game, knowing that you have already won - ie the v best life for your DC.

I have no idea how he's been the last few months re the drinking and eating problems, he has only been in contact with me briefly. Apart from those times he's turned up drunk 'out of spite'. Im not sure where i stand with that- when i was at the house i kept a diary of his consumption as far as i knew and behaviour. All i have since he was removed are messages. This makes me feel less confident... I think I am just needing to be brave

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.

He is still drinking. You were not an important factor in his drinking. He has turned up drunk since he has been gone. He is still drinking. He will do stupid stuff. He won't go to court. If he does they'll laugh him out. Especially if his own family give reports of his drinking. The messages are plenty anyway.

If you hold firm now you will feel proud and strong later. Can you imagine that feeling? Imagine. Savour. Really taste it.

Hello everyone it's a long time since I've been on here. Hope everyone is safe and well. Lockdown has caused me to really be grateful that i took the plunge to end my marriage. Its forced a well needed distance between us however still getting waves of abuse over the phone and text every so often. I can't imagine still being in that relationship when lockdown started.

It’s good to hear your update and that you are getting through this. His behaviour shows how deep in he is. How have you got on with work and managing with your baby? Are you coping? Have you enough support emotionally?

Hi I'm doing well thanks. We had formed a good routine but obviously now it's been thrown off a bit. I have had to stay with family for the last few months as i had no childcare but he has been back at the house and i cant do anything about that. I am needing to go back and he is as expected trying to control that. He has said that i am
Underhanded and controlling and completely unreasonable. I feel very anxious when there is enough going on already with just trying to restart a routine. Family have been very good and lifesavers. His family seem to be on side, or at least in baby's interest.

It’s understandable that you are anxious with all of this up in the air - I hope COVID hasn’t thrown you right back to square one - needing to get him out of the house again? If so could you get family on board again - both sides - calmly and rationally? Be open and clear that he is being obstructive, manipulative and emotionally abusive. Everyone should have your DC’s interests front and centre. They need a stable base.

Are you able to access any professional support for yourself - a good counsellor and/or al anon online group so that you are supported and fully informed of addicts behaviours and impact on you and your DC.

I hope despite the huge trauma of the addiction, abuse and relationship failing that even though you maybe don’t fully feel it yet - you know you are on the right path and even now day to day are able to provide a calm and peaceful home environment for your DC and you can find some joy and hope for your futures.

Keep surrounding yourself and your child with radiant loving kind respectful family and friends - the twisted, nasty ugly words from the polluted sodden alcoholic brain are irrelevant, do not define you or any reality and you need to find ways to block his abuse.

Have you managed to progress any of the legal / practical aspects of separation?

You have done really well and your DCs life and development is infinitely better for the decisions you have taken.

You've done amazingly well. His current behaviour is horrible but is no surprise - this is all typical of the thwarted addict who is no longer having everything his way. Visualise it as a toddler having a tantrum - there's nothing rational in it and it is best ignored, however hard that is.

While he messes about, you just carry on moving forward - planning the divorce, planning your new life. You've done the hardest bit.

I am frustrated that the courts are more or less closed to divorce proceedings at the moment and can only hope they reopen again soon. I want a clean break and not have to have him in control of finances. I'd found a house but i couldn't secure extra funding at the current time without selling my family home, which i know he will stall on.
The lashing out this week has come out of nowhere in response to me making plans and moving forward, sorting work, childcare and living arrangements, all of which have been discussed with him previously and i have texts showing this.
I have reached out to his family and despite him telling me what they think of me, none if them have refused to talk to me.

Look how far you have come. Your situation in November must seem like a lifetime away. It’s challenging that the courts aren’t open but keep focusing as pointythings suggests.

It’s an absolute gift that the ILs are onside - I am sure it’s a strong reflection on your integrity. I would keep communication open with them for them to intervene and guide him when needed. Your stance with them could be your concern for his MH and keeping him calm etc.

Thank you so much as always for your motivational words!

It's so easy to think you're getting nowhere when you've actually made giant strides but things have slowed down a bit. Never forget what you've achieved so far.

I'm glad his family are being rational and civil - they will always love him, but it's good that they see him for what he is.

And perhaps you should lower your expectations of him - my H ended up being completely unable to be a functioning adult because of the drink. After he died, I found out that he had never set up a direct debit for his electricity in his flat and hadn't paid a penny. Fortunately I was able to cover it. I was shocked, but apparently it's common.

Pass all the aggressive texts to your lawyer, particularly if they contain threats of any kind. Great that his family are on side, but probably best to be cautious where they are concerned. Agree about lowering expectations, preferably to zero. He has been drinking heavily for a long time now, and it will affect his cognitive ability eventually, if it hasn't already. He will not make sensible decisions about anything. Take care of yourself and your baby, and let him get on with his own stuff. Just put down the phone if he calls drunk. You have done absolutely the right thing. I stayed too long, until life became unbearable, both for me and the children.

Apologies in advance for the following rant but I feel I need to bent otherwise I will start an argument. I moved back into the house last week but he has refused to leave.

I have tried to carry on and mind my own business, i have been seeing friends out for walks which has been good for my mind. But I am slowly building more and more irritation and contempt that he is here. His behaviour hasn't changed and he is secretly drinking. It's pathetic that he thinks he is hiding this.

I am annoyed that it is getting to me and I feel repulsed when he's around. Luckily we have space in the house for me to keep to myself but he insists on being around me, complementing me, making comments about my physical state and how good a job i'm doing with the baby.

I am desperately wanting to be able to get out and a space of my own but i don't have any money until the legals are sorted and i need to keep him on side as such in order for this to move as quickly and smoothly as possible.

I am keeping the house, tidying up after him for the sake of me and the baby and I can't fully relax in my home because as it was when we were together i am always listening out for him and what he's up to.

Urghhhhh

This is your safe space to vent. You are doing what is needed and it's a horrible long hard slog, but keep your eye on the prize - a life without him in it.

There is the great news that my petition has been filed and the legal side is underway despite an initial huge delay. Clinging on to this

You have done brilliantly. This is really intolerable situation. Are you 100% sure you are safe? If not please leave with your baby.

What are the likely timescales and next steps and when do you think he will be out of the house? Can you mentally cope with that? Don’t put your MH at risk.

I am happy that we are safe. But you are right it is draining on my mental health. My solicitor is ringing me today to update and advise, and I am irritated that I am having to leave the house and go somewhere to have this phonecall.

Lockdown means he is working from home every day which suits his situation. I have made arrangements so that I don't need him for any childcare etc. Baby is at nursery when I am working and this gives me peace of mind.

It is crazy to look back at the start of this thread in November. I can't believe how painfully slow this is happening but at the same time i have achieved a lot.

It’s good you feel safe and that your DC is out at nursery. It seems that you are doing the very best that you can - just continue to keep minimising paths crossing - it should be easier now in the summer.

There will be many, many people on here who wish there were where you are right now or had left early like you are doing. You have given your DC an amazingly different and better path - and you will be able to immerse yourself and enjoy that fully with them very soon.

It’s really quite gross that he is back in the home, his last hurrah wielding his smug toxic power he has no dignity or respect for you or your DC. Pathetic.

But keep a close eye on your emotional energy because every ounce of joy that he drains from you is less you have for your DC - so whatever is necessary to disconnect, shield yourself emotionally from him - mindfulness, journaling, exercise, hobbies, radiant family and friends etc to counter and flush his negative energy from your life.

What do you think the timescales will be? Can you break it up with holidays etc - can his family take him off for a week etc - I doubt lockdown is helping his MH which will then spill on to you?

You've pretty much described my life at the moment- i am keeping busy with all the things you mentioned. He has today told me he is moving out in 2 weeks but he will not pay anything towards the keep pf the house, mortgage etc. And suggests i look for somewhere to live as he wants to rent the family home. Not sure how he thinks he can enforce this latter bit and luckily i can afford to do the former bit in order to keep DC in familiarity for now.

I have looked at places to rent but was worried i would be left with rental plus full mortgage (looks like i was right!!) timescales i am not sure on- there is huge backlog. Looking at at least 3-4 months on normal timescales... sorted by xmas would be amazing.

I feel for those in the position i was in last year. Despite my rubbish situation I feel stronger than in a long time.