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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex dp, ds, fake name, extra kids, second thread

793 replies

Fedupofitnow123 · 28/11/2019 22:47

Thank you for your continued support, I'm starting this thread regarding the impending court hearing tomorrow, if someone could link my previous thread that would ne highly appreciated!

OP posts:
Needsomebottle · 29/11/2019 14:46

Oh OP. Sorry to hear you are so low. But accept that that was inevitable today. This is shit. Of course you don't want to be going through this. And that's ok. Tomorrow is a new day, and the next tomorrow and the next one. And 2 years from now you will look back and think "thank christ I did it then, because it's done. I could still be in that". And worse still, so could your son.

What you are doing is incredible. Even on the shitty crappy low days. Doesn't make it any less incredible. And it will drag out, but you are on the path, and you never again have to be where you were.

Don't look back. You aren't going that way. Xx

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/11/2019 14:48

It’s completely normal to have a slump. You have been living on adrenaline and very little sleep whilst pregnant. You must be utterly drained.
I am sorry that he wasn’t the man you deserved and that he fractured your family. It was utterly despicable of him to do that to you and DS.
The order makes the split feel more final. You know it is the right thing but that doesn’t stop it being painful.
Flowers

HappyAsASandboy · 29/11/2019 14:49

You have got over a major hurdle today and it's natural to mourn what you're leaving behind and be scared of what might come. Please trust us that the behaviour he showed when you were together was not normal and would never improve if you went back. Your son could see that it was abusive, and he won't want to go back.

Take time to recoup now. Take each day as it comes and slowly things will stabilise and the way forward for you and your son will become clear. Just hold on and don't go back now. You really really are doing the right thing.

UnfamousPoster · 29/11/2019 14:52

Oh bless you, OP. I am another that started reading your last thread and it dropped off my radar before it really all kicked off, so I've spent time today catching up and staring open mouthed at my screen at how it all escalated.

The fight in you hasn't gone, it's merely taking a bit of a battering itself. Today was going to be the toughest day of the journey so far and you've made your way through it!

Just remember the key facts from the title of this thread and remember there is a reason you're doing this - for your DS's and for you. Remember how happy your DS has been since you left. That's all you need to know.

One year non-mol is great! Yes, there's a long way to go, but you now have some breathing room and he won't be in your life.

Be kind to yourself OP. Many un-mumsnetty hugs for you

MsNobodyHere · 29/11/2019 14:53

You've got this OP. The hardest part was getting away and you did it. Focus on your DS and new baby and know that you are protecting them and yourself.

I hope this POS gets what he deserves when it goes to trial!

Disfordarkchocolate · 29/11/2019 14:54

Being stressed and anxious is tiring, you now need to rest. Give your boy a hug, it always helps me.

Jokie · 29/11/2019 15:02

@Fedupofitnow123: my love, there was no way that he'd be able to show up in court without lying otherwise he'd be in jail. I know how much it hurts but it's to be expected.

For them to give you a year, shows the level of severity for this and also give you time to heal and process everything that has happened. Well done today xx

TeachesOfPeaches · 29/11/2019 15:05

OP - how you are feeling is normal. When I was going through it all I cried every single day.

My ex made false allegations about me to the police and I was questioned under caution, court case dragged on for 2.5 years etc

Now I'm on the other side with a great job, buying my own flat and living in peace with my son and I can honestly say it was worth every tear.

lizzielizard · 29/11/2019 15:06

Get some sleep. Everything will seem better in the morning. You got through today! You got through the last 9 years! You're a strong woman and have a whole bright future ahead of you. You should be very proud of yourself. Your actions over the last couple of weeks have been awesome - in the true meaning of the word. I am full of awe at your courage. Keep on keeping on.

Original poster
Fedupofitnow123 · 29/11/2019 15:06

I'm just in the back of the car crying, we will be going to court for the trial in 3 months.

So, 1 year non-molestation, but trial in 3 months, I dont know how that works like that. I'm too exhausted to think.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 29/11/2019 15:10

I have just read your first thread - I was weeping with worry for you.

Oh, my dear! What you are enduring because if this vile man - but stay strong. You have done the hardest thing - you have left. Yes, there will still be hard times, but you are away from the situation, and things can only get better.

Good luck with everything. I'm holding you in my prayers. Flowers

AGirlHasNoCake · 29/11/2019 15:12

OP, thats the key - you are exhausted. So Rest. Cuddle your child. There is nothing to be done now and you are safe. Give yourself the weekend off. It will all be there in your memory from Monday, and you can start to deal with it then. But this weekend, just be kind to yourself.

MidnightBlue28 · 29/11/2019 15:18

Keep on keeping on. You are an amazing woman Flowers

Alicenwonderland · 29/11/2019 15:20

I read your last thread and this one in one go this morning and was filled with so many feelings, I was so scared reading your early comments as you were in real danger, I was so relieved when you got out!!! I went through it nearly three years ago. The court is tough, I'm back again next month. He took me to court for custody, lost although he gets to see them so he's taking me back again. This feels so unfair as you've been through so much and you're at your lowest ebb emotionally, you just want to bury your head in the sand and pretend it's not happening as that's how I felt. It's scary, you think they'll believe them as you believed them for so long. But they won't! They'll see through him. It's easy to say but you have so much evidence! Also they are used to these men, the good thing about them is they follow a pattern so their behaviour is easy to see through and predict. My advice is to take whatever help you can get. Call Women's aid, request an IDVA (independent domestic violence advisor) and stay on this thread. My IDVA was my lifeline and I couldn't have done it without her. They even supported me through court. I know it's scary, I know it's tough but you're amazing my lovely, you did it!! You got yourself and your son free!!! If you're feeling low read back through your threads to remind yourself how far you've come. You can do this!!!!

picklemepopcorn · 29/11/2019 15:25

You don't need to think today. Today you can cry, eat chocolate, rage against the world, whatever it takes. Then go home and cuddle your lovely son and carry on with your plans.

ThanksThanks

flouncyfanny · 29/11/2019 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 29/11/2019 15:33

OP, you're amazing, I am in utter awe of what you've done. No wonder you feel wrung out. I would bake you a cake, buy you a drink, and give you a hug if I knew you. Take care, and be gentle with yourself. You'll be in shock and having an adrenaline-drop, it's not nice but it's to be expected. Drink plenty fluids, can you get in touch with a friend or family member to help look after you today?

Yabadee · 29/11/2019 15:42

Well done for today OP. If you can get through that you can get through anything. Take the weekend to chill and have time with your son, and speak to the solicitor again next week and find out the next steps.

Apolloanddaphne · 29/11/2019 15:43

Don't worry about the trial right now. You need time to regroup and process what is happening. You are doing well but you are only human and these things are emotionally hard to deal with.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 29/11/2019 15:57

Oh I remember your original thread and have spent today catching up! Holy fuck, I'm so glad you are away from that house and just wtf at everything else.

Take some time to decompress tonight, bath, crap telly, whatever helps.

Quartz2208 · 29/11/2019 15:59

Is the trial for him for the control or child arrangements

This is good though 1 year is long - they are normally 6 months to have a year means they are taking it all seriously

Newschapter · 29/11/2019 16:02

What's the trial about? About his treatment of you or access to DS?

You're so brave, my love Flowers

Whattheduckisthis · 29/11/2019 16:06

Keep going. Look at your ds and think of your baby and happy life your going to give them as a brave women who deserves all the luck in the world

Mooey89 · 29/11/2019 16:07

You are SO brave.

The court process following DV is gruelling. You’re doing this for your beautiful boys and for future women, remember that. I found the women’s aid forums really helpful in the months after I left.
Congratulations on your calm, quiet new life of freedom ❤️

queenrollo · 29/11/2019 16:20

Do you know yet if the trial will be at Magistrate or Crown? Though CPS and the courts might not have made that decision yet.

But for now....look after yourself. Make sure you eat and drink, even if only a little (if you like Ovaltine that's quite good if you feel you have no appetite).
If you ever feel you need an anonymous ear I can highly recommend the Refuge support line. When I was supporting a friend through the court process following her leaving a very dangerous abuser they listened to me as I needed to offload somewhere safe.