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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex dp, ds, fake name, extra kids, second thread

793 replies

Fedupofitnow123 · 28/11/2019 22:47

Thank you for your continued support, I'm starting this thread regarding the impending court hearing tomorrow, if someone could link my previous thread that would ne highly appreciated!

OP posts:
WishThisWasGin · 06/01/2020 19:14

Hey! Just popping in to say hello. How did the midwife go?

Original poster
Fedupofitnow123 · 07/01/2020 12:16

@wishthiswasgin it went really well, she let ds use the doppler? To find babies heart beat, I'll never forget how his face lit up when he found it!

I've managed to contact stepchange today and get on the road to really sorting out my debts, filing bankruptcy is my only option! But I am so proud of myself for being able to make the phone calls and do it myself, it's a small step but a massive one!

Hope everyone is ok!

OP posts:
AraGrand · 07/01/2020 14:19

Hi OP.
I just clicked on this thread and then went back through all your posts on your original thread and on this one.

I have to say it's one of the worst cases of abuse I've read on here - worse even in some ways than violence (I've been strangled and beaten up so know what I'm talking about).

It reminds me of how my mother was. The sheer fear every second she was there was life-changing as it turned out (not for the better).

You've done so well to get yourself and your son out of it. Even in the face of the cruellest manipulation, from your first post, I knew you were somehow stronger than him - detached.

I wish you all the best for your upcoming court cases and with your new and improved future.

WishThisWasGin · 07/01/2020 15:05

How fabulous for DS! He will remember that for the rest of his life.

Step change are great. They will guide you through, and help deal with all of the creditors on your behalf.

They are non judgmental, and this is their area of expertise.

candative · 07/01/2020 20:17

Good news that baby is well and so lovely that your DS had that experience.

Bankruptcy is a fresh start and I hope it gives you that impression and a sense of relief once you are through it. You've been so strong, keep going!

Original poster
Fedupofitnow123 · 09/01/2020 19:11

I had also been strangled by exdp and had his nails dug into my face, while afterwards telling me how he hadn't ever really hurt me and he was in full control and knew not to hurt me! So I think I've really been through the mill too :(

But, we're slowly getting on the other side! 3 months now until little one is born too! Time is flying so fast. .

By the time I had started the first post I think I was beginning to detach, reading "why does he do that" and posting here really helped and then ds asking to leave just cemented everything.

Ds has since spoke about how scared he was that morning as we were leaving, he was so scared if we were caught! I can't believe how brave he has been!

I start the freedom programme next week :)

OP posts:
WishThisWasGin · 11/01/2020 08:38

Good morning.

I think you have a great relationship with DS. It's wonderful to hear that you are able to talk about his feelings and he is honest with you. You are doing a great job, even though you might not feel like like that at times!

The Freedom Programme will be useful.

Hope your having a calm weekend.

Original poster
Fedupofitnow123 · 11/01/2020 12:35

Thanks wishforgin,

We are having a calm weekend with some gaming together, had the cousins over this morning and ds is having a pyjama day :)

Impending court date is effecting me quite badly, feeling lost and off kilter, but otherwise ok, hope you're doing ok

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupofitnow123 · 11/01/2020 12:36

Sorry @wishthiswasgin, got your name wrong

OP posts:
MummyOfBoyAndGirl · 12/01/2020 13:46

Good luck with TFP next week

RandomMess · 15/01/2020 09:31

KOKO Thanks

SunshineCake · 15/01/2020 17:11

What a credit your little boy is to you, @Fedupofitnow123.

WishThisWasGin · 15/01/2020 17:27

How's this week going? I completely thought today was Thursday! I don't work Fridays and said to my work mates see you next week! My manager frowned and said aren't you in tomorrow?

WishThisWasGin · 15/01/2020 17:30

Sorry posted too soon!

I said no, it's Friday! Everyone burst out laughing as she pointed out it's only Wednesday...

Oops this is one long-arsed week!Blush

Original poster
Fedupofitnow123 · 16/01/2020 06:34

@wishthiswasgin

Haha absolutely brilliant, it really is a long week this week. I am waiting for Friday too, love the weekends.

Well, the freedom programme was yesterday, I've been avoiding sitting in any kind of silence as I just can't handle it, at the end they wanted to "end on a good note" with a mindfulness activity, it was to sit with eyes closed and imagine your happy place... something I couldn't do yet, I don't have a happy place at the moment, so I ended up crying, a mixture of the silence and that instruction, actively dreading next weeks class now!

Ds seems to be opening up a bit more which is good, he is starting conversations himself but has said "why can't the court realise I don't want to see him" so, long road!

OP posts:
LurkingFather · 16/01/2020 19:03

If he can, he probably should speak up.

LurkingFather · 16/01/2020 19:04

Sorry, this was too short.

If your son can, he probably should speak up and explain himself to the court. He can explain what he saw and why he does not want to go there

WishThisWasGin · 16/01/2020 21:24

It's bloody hard when your dreading something like that.

Happy places, mindfulness etc do work eventually but you are so used to distracting yourself, pushing all those thoughts and emotions out of your head that you haven't dealt with them yet.

It's scary, and hard. Especially when you need to be strong for the both of you.

Sending you strength and peaceful thoughts x

HappyintheHills · 16/01/2020 22:28

During our residence hearing my DS didn’t have to go to court but did get his say through the Court Welfare Officer. She did a brilliant job and at one point he had more to say and summonsed her back, he got his own way and was never made to see his father.

billy1966 · 16/01/2020 22:41

Well done OP

ridiculousridiculousness · 22/01/2020 21:05

How are you getting on? Thinking of you Thanks

Original poster
Fedupofitnow123 · 24/01/2020 10:00

Family support worker who also runs the freedom programme came out yesterday and asked what had upset me last time, I told her, hopefully they'll change it up a bit, I don't know where my happy place is yet.

So court is looming again, I've messaged the solicitor asking for ex's defence and feel sick waiting for the reply! It's been a rocky road the past week or so and I'm really trying to keep stress to the minimum because of baby!

But dads cancer results were a bit more positive with it being stable at the moment

OP posts:
loobyloo1234 · 24/01/2020 13:01

Just read your first thread and this one. Cried the whole way through the first one.

You are so amazing OP. Im so sorry for what you have been through. I hope court goes better than you will probably be thinking - im sure it will. He is an evil bastard. You've saved your DS (and your unborn DS) from a lifetime of fear. Be proud of yourself. And take one day at a time Flowers

Original poster
Fedupofitnow123 · 24/01/2020 13:37

@loobyloo1234 Thanks, I dont feel so great, I'm still scared of how he will react and I struggle in many areas!

OP posts:
loobyloo1234 · 24/01/2020 13:51

I think it's totally natural to have these worries and fears. You have made such a huge life change. But it will be worth it. Short term pain, long term gain as they say

Your son is lucky to have you. Each day, remember his words about how happy he was to be getting away from him. Push through for his sake. You both deserve to be free of this man for as long as necessary - forever if need be