Ex dp, ds, fake name, extra kids, second thread

[Fedupofitnow123]

Thank you for your continued support, I'm starting this thread regarding the impending court hearing tomorrow, if someone could link my previous thread that would ne highly appreciated!

Hello. I hope you managed to get all the stuff done for the evidence/statements on Friday and it wasn't too traumatic.

What are your plans for Christmas? Firsts are always the hardest, and even if you are the one who has made the decision to leave, you can feel upset and almost grieve for what has been lost or should have been.

Be kind to yourself and hold DS close. Dont expect to much from yourself, you have the rest of your life to look forward too and if you need a little bit of space to heal thats ok too.

Thinking of you.

@wishthiswasgin Hello, thank you for contacting, all done for Friday so that's one relief, though I have the non-molestation order through and court is now in January not February, that threw me quite a bit!

We're spending Christmas with my family and I'm really really looking forward to it.

I dont know if I've mentioned it but my dad has cancer and we dont know if this is his last or not, when I was with ex I really wanted to come home for Christmas but ex had kept on about it being our last Christmas as a 3 without even asking what I wanted to do, he then messaged when trying to get me to go back saying we could have my family over at Christmas, so he definitely knew what I wanted and needed really.

We also only celebrated one Christmas with ex as he said Christmas was Christian and we arent Christian and it was tok materialistic, but then last year we were allowed to celebrate for some reason? And I wasnt even that comfortable or happy.

I probably might feel sad over Christmas but at the moment I feel excited for ds, I've bought him so much of what he asked for (granted its second hand mostly, but in good condition so he wont know) and I just think he is going to have the best Christmas of his life! I picked up a second hand but new electric guitar for ds today and I know he is going to love it, it's not even been played once!!! Still all stickers over the body work that keep it scratch free :)

I hope everyone is planning a wonderful Christmas!

@blouseandskirt thank you for your continued support too, I have seen you so much on here and it's really appreciated

DS will be safe & loved at Christmas! I'm sure his guitar will be the icing on the cake

It's so lovely to read how well you are doing!

Such a lovely update op xxx

I'm so happy that you're going to have a wonderful family Christmas! You and your ds deserve to have the best day xxxx

Sorry to hear about your Dad. But pleased you are going to with him this Christmas. I’m sure this is a comfort to him to have you and your DS there. Plus he’s probably grateful to be able to support you in your time of need. When you’re ill people have a habit of keeping tough stuff to themselves and not bothering or upsetting the ill person. But ill people still want to be able to feel useful and needed and definitely want to know what’s happening with their nearest and dearest.

I haven't commented before but I just had to post to say it brought tears to my eyes reading about all of your sons lovely presents. You are a fantastic mother and I'm sure he will have the best Christmas ever, one he will never forget.

Have a wonderful Christmas with your loving family around you.

Thank you for your comments, funny my mum also said dad would like to help while he can and to let him, I was hiding stuff but he got upset about that so I'm being open with him now and that seems better.

How awful for your DS and you that he wouldn’t let you celebrate Christmas. Your family must have been so worried about you.

I hope that he gets a custodial sentence and that he’s not allowed any kind of contact with your DC.

@Fedupofitnow123 I kinda feel like you're so much calmer and happier now op? Christmas sounds wonderful make the most of your time with your dad. And enjoy every moment of making those memories.

Your son is going to have an amazing Christmas, making memories with your Dad.

No treading on eggshells, pleasing yourself!

There really isnt a relationship between being a practising Christian these days and Christmas. Yes its commercial now, but its the biggest celebration of family and friends. My DH is a complete Atheist and loves all the fun and the chance to catch up with people, and gets the most pleasure from seeing our kids get excited.

Enjoy seeing his face when he sees that guitar!

Morning all, thank you, mostly I do feel a lot calmer, everyone keeps saying how much happier we both are, even when we visited we weren't like this apparently, so that must be a positive.

Can I ask about nightmares, they're every night now and I'm now finding myself not wanting to sleep, asleep at 1am last night and awake at 6:30, more nightmares again, I just can't seem to escape.

When I walked alone yesterday I found it difficult being alone and had to stop myself crying, thinking about things wasnt any fun!

Nightmares can be a way of your brain processing information and managing fears. I am not surprised given how long you were under stress that you have a lot of issues to process.
Surprisingly they can also be a way of managing fear levels during the day

www.bbc.com/news/education-50563835

There are quite a few free meditation apps. Perhaps using one of those will help. Also speak to your counsellor/ therapist.

Hi @Fedupofitnow123

As for the nightmares, I’ve only skimmed through your posts to remind myself as it’s been a while since I saw your thread, but have you been to see your GP? you’ve been through so much and had to stay strong for so long, you could benefit from counselling, and ds too at some point.

Good luck 💐

I can't remember if you're on any medication but some can cause vivid dreams. I'm on antidepressants and every night I have bad breads/nightmares. It's no fun waking up upset instead of rested.

Hi OP. NIghtmares, particularly repeated ones, are a symptom of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Do look it up and see if any of the other symptoms resonate with you.

I was diagnosed with it following the break up of my marriage and I had EMDR treatment which was very effective and I only have nightmares very occasionally now - like once a year or so. It also reduced other symptoms I had such as being hyper-vigilant and being unable to function day to day without traumatic thoughts crashing into my mind and taking over.

I do hope you are able to access assessment and therapy if necessary. It makes a world of difference

I'm currently separated from H after controlling relationships with domestic violence and I'm seeing a therapist. She has tried to explain to me (if I've got it right and don't claim to be an expert) that characters in our dreams or nightmares can be versions of ourselves as we struggle with our inner dilemmas. Just because it looks like him in the dream doesn't mean it is him in interpretation. So say you had a bad nightmare about him hurting you or trapping you it could be more about one inner part of you struggling to let go of the control, feeling not worth it enough to be apart - whilst the other part of you knows you are worth it.
That's just my understanding of what I was told but I think it does make sense because if you have been in a controlling relationship you are conditioned not to put yourself first and value yourself.
You've been on a massive journey remember to be kind to yourself.

I also had nightmares after I LTB.

Followed by really bad insomnia for a while.

It was all compounded by the (what felt like) constant court hearings.

It took a while for me to physically and mentally get over the trauma of having been in a dv situation. But I did.

I think my main help was having a close friend who listened to me and was just there, being kind and caring and understanding and completely non judgemental.

OP, you are just incredible and I am so happy for your journey of recovery and am rooting for you to find your confident and happier self again. Your strength and integrity are really inspiring, especially after reading about someone else’s moral bankruptcy and lack of ethics. I think when you have been living with constant high levels of adrenaline due to heightened stress, you will feel like a coiled spring, so once you can let your guard down a bit, it is normal to crash for a while. I admire your fierce loyalty to your son; you came to MN and posters were quite rightly alarmed for you at the time and gave great advice. All too often, women are so browbeaten and conditioned by the abuse that they feel paralysed with fear and unable to leave. The speed with which you went from voicing concerns to getting away filled me with so much joy and hope for you. I think you are an inspiration for other Mumsnetters in similar situations, even if it doesn’t feel like that at times for you.

OP you are fabulous!
I second the possibility that your nightmares are due to C- PTSD, I had this and its really horrible. EMDR and a lot of talking it all out with a wonderful councelor from my local Rape and Sexual harm charity have done wonders for me.
I urge you to do the online IAPT assessment ( if you haven't already) and reach out to the help that is ( still) out there - I've had two years of free weekly counselling, I had to wait for 4 months to get started, but it has been so helpful and has given me back my life, at last

@grumpelstilskin you have brought a tear to my eye and I thank you for your words, the week from posting to leaving I was doing a lot of thinking and reading, I was watching my ex's behaviours with more open eyes, and with ds asking me to leave I really could not ignore it. I just wish I was wiser all of those years ago and never got involved, there is so much healing to do for us both still, I had a big wobble today, because I'm afraid to sleep because of nightmares I didnt sleep until 1am, then got up at 6, being pregnant and then finding out I will have to file for bankruptcy (which I can't even afford to do) just knocked me down and I had a good old cry! But, as @toxiccat reminds me, it's only been a month, just a month!

Thank you for all your help regarding the nightmares, I am a person who buries my head in the sand, when out walking alone the other day I felt my true emotions and had to fight off crying, so, I'm not sure about post traumatic stress as I can still function, especially when around other people, any time alone though and I seem to crumble a lot!

I'm absolutely exhausted, but again, do not want to sleep. I just dont want to dream. I can understand it is a way for the body to process what is happening, but at the same time, I dont want to experience it.

Freedom programme starts in January

@catmaiden I have had a look at IAPT but I cant work out which section I should be going under, maybe I should tackle this again in the morning

Seriously lovely, you sound like I was two years ago. It took 30 years for my stuff to resurface and really mess with me. Seek help and don't try to supress it for so many years, like I did, because doing that really messed with my adult life.
You are doing so well, you are so strong, even if you don't think or feel you are