Ex dp, ds, fake name, extra kids, second thread

[Fedupofitnow123]

Thank you for your continued support, I'm starting this thread regarding the impending court hearing tomorrow, if someone could link my previous thread that would ne highly appreciated!

Thank you everybody, I have had a great day with ds preparing for something we haven't done before! It's nice to feel excited!

That's great news Op! So lovely to hear

Hi OP. I was on your original thread but missed you'd continued to update. YOu're doing really really well in light of the understandable emotional trauma as well as the complete shock of finding out all this other stuff. Stay strong!!

What a nice update. You are a very brave lady @Fedupofitnow123

Talking of Stephen Fry reading Harry Potter, this night make you smile Fedupofitnow xx

twitter.com/bbc/status/1137026709474238465?lang=en

Thank you @hettysunshine that's brilliant.

I've just been writing my poetry again and thought I'd share this one.

The sad little boy.

To keep your children away from you,
Was never my intention,
For your son loves and needs you,
But you are under temporary suspension.

You hurt him with your actions,
For he wasn't supposed to see,
How your behaviour changed,
When you were in need of your weed.

He remembers some good times,
But he cries over the bad,
It is this poor little boy,
Who you have made really sad.

He found your picture today,
And shed a quiet tear,
Because as much as he loves you,
He is holding a lot of fear.

He shouldn't have to feel this pain,
That his daddy has made true,
For he is just a small boy,
Who doesn't have a clue.

For this I really have to say,
That you have broken our hearts,
It's you who has really forced,
For this family to make a new start.

We love you, we miss you,
But you are too dangerous for us,
I know of your tainted past now,
And for my mistake I could cuss.

HettySunshine I love that!

Nice to hear you sounding positive Fedupofitnow123!

Just made a curry we used to have at home, I learned it whilst there and we all used to love it, emotions flooding me again now and I feel tremendously homesick!

Home is the calm, peaceful, stable, loving safe space that you have created for your children.

It is not the “wishful thinking” of before - that wasn’t a calm, stable, peaceful, loving, safe space. It was toxic and was damaging you and your DC.

Homemade curry sounds just what you all need to nourish and warm you.

@kitty2020 you are really right there and have made me cry, it's so hard to remember the truth of what we have left, it's so hard to keep focused

It’s ok to miss the good times. If it had been unrelentingly awful all the time you would have gone long before.

I think it is really positive that the feelings are coming out. You are moving forward in the way that is right for you.

Hi OP - I’ve read your thread with much admiration. I find poetry is my go to thing for comfort - Just in case it’s the same for you, thought I’d share this one, called Love After Love, which your posts made me think of allpoetry.com/love-after-love

@zitouna spooky, I signed up to that site last night, beautiful poem too so thank you, I cannot wait to be at the stage of loving myself, my ex actually said to me at one point "you don't like yourself do you?" It had begun to get really hard to like myself considering I never heard a good thing about me.

Also to the previous poster, sorry I have forgotten your name and am on mobile, I suppose it is good the feelings are coming out, though they are difficult to feel sometimes. I still feel like I want to go back and it takes a lot of thinking about the truth and how we felt while there to realise why we left again!

You want to go back to what it should have been; not what it was.

How is your DS doing?

Ds is ok, we've had a few ups and downs, he's cried a few times, he misses his dad but is still saying he doesn't want to see him, he's confused, really confused!

It is quite likely that DS misses A dad, but not the bloke he grew up with (who didn’t even tell you his real name, ffs!). This man wasn’t nice to live with and was cruel to his mother. The rules he lived with in that house were unsustainable and were designed to set YOU up for failure because that bastard loved to torture you. DS doesn’t have the language to explain this, but he will know instinctively what life under that rule felt like.

@justilou1 beautifully explained, thank you! I'm trying to support him as much as I can and get him into counselling, it's slow going though

It is confusing, it’s kind of supposed to be!

Both you and ds were in a relationship with this man as partner and dad respectively, and that man chose to behave in a way to keep you both confused and on shaky ground

When your heads are filled with spaghetti, you can’t think straight, it’s hard to see how wrong everything is, how badly you’re being treated... so you continue and allow it to limp on, while you get increasingly worn down/away.

Now you’re free, you’re finding out so much truly bizarre and unsettling stuff. The spotlight of truth is shining on every aspect of your lives and chasing the lies and darkness away.

Every feeling you have is valid. You’ll (both) feel anxious, angry, sad, lost, scared, nostalgic

Once you’ve made a start in working through these feelings you’ll allow yourself to feel relaxed, happy, safe, content and hopeful

It’s not easy recovering from a relationship as abusive and controlling as this, but you have your new routine, your new realities and you can chose to do anything that’s good for you, that makes you happy.

Loving yourself isn’t easy, doesn’t come naturally, but if you can aim for valuing yourself that is enough to be going on with.

You (both) are worth more than the life he was prepared to allow you.

Who the fuck is he to decide that you don’t have a right to happiness?

So yeah, get angry, it all needs to come out and then you can feel that emotion, in a safe space, process it and then put it to rest, then you move on

@mzhz thank you, it is so true of our minds being like spaghetti,

It's been a month and even I still feel loyalty towards him, I can only imagine how ds is feeling.

He is so young and doesn't know half of what his father has been up to, I cant bare to share it with him.

Good note on valuaig ourselves, even that feels like a big step but is easier than loving.
We can't afford to buy gifts this year so we're making them and today we are going to get started!

What an amazing relationship you have with your soon that he is able to share all his feelings with you!

All children love their parents no matter how cruel they are.

KOKO

@Fedupofitnow123 - I grew up with this with both of my parents (same but different). The impact is especially pronounced now they’re both dead and I’m 47 and raising teens. I have a wonderful, supportive husband, but suddenly I am expecting the universe to behave as if it were controlled by those two crazy, angry people. I am spiraling and am afraid all the time. Weird. Back in therapy, but also suspect it’s menopause!

@justilou1 (((hug))) wow that’s sounds like a tough time you’re having, and absolutely yes the menopause could be at play here, get as much help with that as you can, don’t stop till you feel better/more “you”!

@Fedupofitnow123 you’re doing amazingly well! These are early days and a tough time of year to boot! Be kind to yourselves

It won’t always be like this

When I left my abusive ex, it really helped my daughters that we talked about how it is completely normal and OK, to feel different things about their father at the same time.

To just make it explicit, that even though their feelings seem to be contradictory, feelings don’t have to be logical.

And they don’t have to try and find a kind of final answer about which one thing they should feel about him.

You may be talking with your son about this already, but for my children it was something they benefitted from hearing again and again.

Still thinking of you, Fedup.

Are you telling him things in an age appropriate way and allowing him to ask questions?

He was there, he saw and heard lots of it.

So I think I would be saying "We had to leave because when Daddy was shouting at me all the time like that I felt afraid and unhappy" "we had t leave because Daddy did some tings that weren't nice, like shouting, and having me n the camera all the time" "At the moment we have to live separately so that everyone can calm down and think. I will never live with Daddy again, because it made me unhappy. But one day you will be able to choose to see Daddy if you want to. We don't have to think about that just yet"

For example.