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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Ex dp, ds, fake name, extra kids, second thread

793 replies

Fedupofitnow123 · 28/11/2019 22:47

Thank you for your continued support, I'm starting this thread regarding the impending court hearing tomorrow, if someone could link my previous thread that would ne highly appreciated!

OP posts:
IdiotInDisguise · 30/11/2019 10:19

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HettySunshine · 30/11/2019 11:00

If you have doubts about the op report her.

I'd say it's fairly obvious that she is going through an incredibly traumatic time and to be not believed in a place she feels safe is going to have a very negative affect on her. I've reported both your posts.

TooMuchBloodyChoice · 30/11/2019 11:12

Clearly dontbite has little experience in the family court system. It can sometimes take a matters of days to get an injunction- this woman has been gone for nearly a month. Not sure why the timeline seems odd to you. What she said about the judges comments rings true too.

I used to file injunctions for DV cases - this isn’t an odd time line at all.

NettleTea · 30/11/2019 11:36

I agree, injunctions and Non Mols can get done very quickly. Its other stuff that can drag on and on

IdiotInDisguise · 30/11/2019 12:16

Yep, you can get injunctions a non molestations orders in hours via emergency court hearings.

Not so sure about the trials, has he been arrested or charged already? Or by trial does she means court hearing?

harriethoyle · 30/11/2019 12:24

I suspect by trial the OP either means a fact finding about the DA allegations in respect of the injunction or contact.

Fedupofitnow123 · 30/11/2019 12:37

It'll be a pre trial about the DA, sorry I've seen this but no mental energy to even argue with people on here, I'm not here to try and make people believe me, court is for that.

OP posts:
Fr0g · 30/11/2019 13:03

@Perunatop - a non-molestation order

If you've read the thread, I think you'd realise that referring to the OP's former- partner as "DH" is inappropriate and probably offensive - absolute bastard is probably more appropriate.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/11/2019 13:03

The only person you need to believe in, is yourself. No one else (besides DC of course) matters.

You are absolutely amazing.

DishingOutDone · 30/11/2019 13:12

@CheeseSandwitch shared her experience earlier, how brave was she and I hope it gives the OP hope and strength. This seems like a difficult case so I really hope the OP is getting good advice; it does seem odd and frustrating for the judge to mention a CAO to someone who has been abusive to other families before his current one - but you know what, he's such a cunt maybe he won't even bother with contact. You are amazing OP, everyone is in awe.

CheeseSandwitch · 30/11/2019 14:18

@DishingOutDone Thank you so much. I didn't feel brave when I reported him to the police but looking back, my son and I are much happier. DS is coming in in leaps and bounds, I'm a much calmer parent, and I love that I don't have to constantly run decisions past someone else. Ex still gets visitation twice a week but it's for two hours in my home with full knowledge I will call the police anytime he even raises his voice at me. It's the only way I feel is safe for DS and I can supervise and never leave the room. I know for OP it will probably bd different and I'm still waiting for SS to decide Ex's rights of visitation so this is just the for now.

I truly hope for OP's sake that her Ex leaves them alone and gets prison time. He bloody well deserves it.

Clearnightsky · 30/11/2019 16:00

Yes very brave @CheeseSandwitch it is very good to get the perspective of someone who has been through it. I hope you continue to get stronger and happier for it.

And those questioning the OP. Honestly does it matter? We will never truly know, having no ‘proof’, so why not take someone on their word and give them support? Imagine even not being able to turn to MN about this, imagine if someone through out their only lifeline here and then got told they were making it up? Real life people out there and I’d gladly give support without questioning.

OP so the process has started. You’ve left. It’s gone to court. It’s ‘out there’ in daylight now.

That is a HUGE shift from when you first posted.

I wonder if now is the time, like others have said, to settle in and take some serious time for you, and your boy. It might be the time that emotions and feelings may hit you out of nowhere. This ‘quieter’ time might be more difficult as there are fewer adrenaline filled events.

I guess as well as your sister, your DV support person if you have one... you might be thinking towards a home and where you want to be. A home that you can started nesting and is your safe retreat. It might take a while and you may be offered temporary accommodation I don’t know, but thinking of it. Imagining it. Finding your secure place.

Good luck Flowers

Span1elsRock · 30/11/2019 16:55

You must be exhausted OP, but if you take anything from yesterday, please take the fact that the court believed you. Not him. They don't give out NMO's lightly, and your story was heard over his.

You are safe for a year now - you have the full weight of the law behind you, and the Police. So try and relax a little, you've got Christmas to look forward, and the New Year will be a new start.

This is going to be a long road to get this man out of your life, but you've made an amazing start and it can only get better for you and your DC now Flowers.

Fedupofitnow123 · 30/11/2019 18:00

I am trying to relax but I just feel so so anxious, my heart is constantly racing, especially after eating, I definitely haven't eaten enough today especially being pregnant, maybe a small breakfast and half of dinner, as soon as I eat I feel so much more anxious!

OP posts:
WishThisWasGin · 30/11/2019 18:18

How about hot chocolate?

Lots of small things, a banana, a piece of toast.

It doesn't have to be a proper meal if thats too overwhelming right now.

Don't worry babies are vampires at this stage and will get all they need, but try and graze at least.

Do you have anything like complan or milkshakes? They can be useful at times like this.

The adrenaline crash you are going through is perfectly normal. Just be gentle on yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/11/2019 18:27

Eat anything that sounds at all good, no matter what it is. Now's not the time to worry about sugar, fat, 'nutritional content' or calories (unless you're at risk for Gestational Diabetes). It's just about getting something in your tummy. Even if you just take 3 bites then put it in the fridge.

Yes, you're going through a 'crash' and that's perfectly normal. Just keep reminding yourself that you can 'ride it out'. Do you knit, crochet, or do any type of needle- or handiwork? Having to concentrate on keeping to a pattern is a good thing for taking your mind off things. Or try a jigsaw puzzle. Anything you can really focus on.

SheSaidHummingbird · 30/11/2019 18:29

Fedupofitnow123 Please just focus on taking good care of yourself and your sons. I have no idea how you've found the strength to fight like this and you must prioritise yourself. You've achieved an incredible amount in such a short space of time, so at least take a few days to rest. Do something for yourself that you enjoy - or that you used to enjoy, before you met this monster - even if something simple like watching a favourite film, reading a magazine, doing a crossword. Give yourself some mental space and try to forget everything, even just for an hour or two.

You're an incredible woman, and you are doing everything to create a better life for your sons. Know this, and be kind to yourself.

Fedupofitnow123 · 30/11/2019 18:40

Thank you to you all, I think tomorrow will be a movie day with ds, Harry Potter as I used to love that, I have a book from my social worker "rediscovering you" I cant feel in so much, so going back to what I did like is a good idea,

OP posts:
Fedupofitnow123 · 30/11/2019 18:45

Fill not feel!

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 30/11/2019 18:46

Op, it'll all be ok. You're doing amazingly.

SheSaidHummingbird · 30/11/2019 19:15

The 'new' you will be marrying your old self (rediscovery everything you once loved, the you who loves HP, who collected the chess set, drinking from you new mug) with the new, wiser, mature self, who recognises the truth about your ex, and who will do everything to build a secure and happy life for your sons. You'll rediscover and continue to grow and mroe forward with a life that you have taken back control of. You have so much to look forward to.

carly2803 · 30/11/2019 19:15

just jumping backin-keep going OP, you are doing amazing.

You really are an inspiration to women who need "out".

VenusTiger · 30/11/2019 19:27

You’ve made a massive improvement to your future already, what an amazing thing you’ve done for your children OP. Your life is so different now and for the better. I wish you all a very happy future full of hope, happiness and love. You knew something was wrong and you changed it. You are brilliant. Keep going and it’ll all settle into place.

bluebell94 · 30/11/2019 19:50

Just catching up with everything.
OP you are amazing. It's tough to be strong and brave in such an awful situation but you, DS and DS on the way will have a life free from that monster. You will get through this. It will most likely not be quick, easy or black & white. But you got this, we are all behind you and you are stronger than you think, even if you don't feel it xx

Fedupofitnow123 · 30/11/2019 19:52

@shesaidhummingbird you have put that so well and it's such a good way to look at things, thank you! I will keep this in mind!

OP posts: