Dating a muslim man

[Lozalot]

My partner is muslim. We have a wonderful relationship and I have never been happier with someone. By muslim that I mean he was raised by a muslim family, however he is not a practising muslim (out of his own choice he does not pray or even fast at ramadan). However he still believes. He has essentially told me that if we are to stay together and get married that I must covert. For me I feel this is very unfair as he does not even practise the religion. I am a strict athiest and to say I believe in any form of religion goes against my nature and principles. However we have a very happy and loving relationship so now I find myself in an awful position. Should I give him an ultimatum or is there a way we can make it work?

Just a tip - in my experience , many men become more devout in their religion when they marry, and in particular when they have children. It's like all the lifetime of religious teaching comes back to them , even if they've been non-practicing for years.

In your situation I'd be very wary since he is already bringing his religion into it. I think you'd find it hard going in the future if you stay with him - as an atheist ,you'd find that everything would grate on you. And your "happy and loving" relationship would crumble . It's up to you if you want to stay with him, but his actions so far make me think that things will get worse , not better.

No of course you shouldn't convert! If he can't understand your reasons then perhaps he's not as wonderful as you think. Why now if you've been together a while?

He cant make you convert. Would he want you to pretend?!
His choice whether or not to marry an atheist really.
I would be having similar thoughts re the pp about family and kids post-marriage.

I would not convert and if he loves you he will accept this.

I am a lapsed Catholic btw

Excellent post Lilyflower

@Lilyflower1

I have a friend who is muslim and he eats during ramadan a lot do but keep it a secret.

My DH comes from a devout Catholic family. I think they would like me to suddenly become religious (not DH as he doesn’t care either way) but it’s not going to happen.

I would sit down and have a serious chat with him. Explain why you will not be converting to Islam. Don’t give him an ultimatum but if you can’t agree to respectfully disagree and carry on as two people not of the same faith, then I don’t think a marriage would work anyway.

I find it sexist that he is allowed to lapse but expects his future wife must be Muslim. I would be wary OP.

You would not be giving him an ultimatum. You would be declining the ultimatum that he has already given you.

How long have you been together?

No it isn't fair. He knew what you were from the beginning and if that is what he required, he should have never got involved.

Don't change your base beliefs for anyone, he needs to accept you as you are and celebrate your differences.
My family are loosely muslim-ish and we have plenty of people who are Atheist/Hindu/Jewish.
We all don't really identify any belief, being more important than our relationships with each other.

Should I give him an ultimatum or is there a way we can make it work?

Give him an ultimatum. It's never going to work if he can't accept your views on religion.

Most importantly though, why ask you now? Family pressure? Have you met his family quite frequently?

Don't convert. From a religious standpoint, Muslim men are allowed to marry non-Muslim women, so there's no reason you should. From a non-religious standpoint, converting would mean submitting yourself to a lot of outdated/misogynistic laws that he can exploit for his benefit.

I dispute the view Lily that the religion is misogynist. However the way OPs partner is acting is not reasonable. He shouldn't expect you to eliminate part of yourself for his own convenience. I mean if he doesn't practice like you say why does he not have a backbone and live this way - in reality he doesn't want to rock the boat. I'd personally be worried he has hypocrisy hidden in other areas of life and avoid like the plague.

The fact he even asked you to convert is a warning sign. I agree many single Muslim men do not adhere to their religion until it comes to the point they get married and have children.

Do not do it and don't have children with this man

It is a happy relationship now, but at the moment the wools are pulled over your eyes because you are at the honeymoon stage of your relationship. He is already showing signs of controlling behaviour. You haven't got to do absolutely anything. He clearly is a practicing Muslim, otherwise he wouldn't be telling you to convert when you're both married! I am married to a Hindu and in no way, shape or form has he ever, ever tried to "make" me convert! I've always been an atheist, and he has always been practicing Hindu since his childhood. Is he a British Muslim?

In islam you dont need to convert for anyone else then yourself. Muslim men are allowed to marry non muslims from monotheistic religion(christian, jewish), not allowed to merry atheist or polytheists. Doesnt look like he cares much about what is allowed to from what you say anyway, but it is true that many come back to the religion once they are married and have kids.

I'm married to Muslim and didn't convert, and no pressure on me to do so. As far as I'm aware, women marrying Muslim do not need to but men do. Children however are expected to be brought up Muslim, but nobody monitors this. My husband did go through a religious phase after we married but it didn't last long. Sorry OP but I would be very weary if I was forced into converting. If he loves you, he should accept you as you are.

Thank you so much for your responses so far; very informative and a lot of food for thought.
To be completely honest he has told me from the beginning that he would like to have a muslim wife. I guess I never took it seriously as his religion never even enters conversation on a day to day basis. When I told him that perhaps I would convert ‘on paper’ as many people do, I guess we both thought we would find some middle ground. For me, if he is non-practising I hope that he can respect my views and that we can live peacefully. We both live away from our families therefore family pressure only comes from when he visits.
We have been together for one year and living together for 6 months. Perhaps that might sound alarming to you all.
I would love for us to work. I think I will tell him my position and that I simply cannot pretend to believe. Then it is his choice whether he wants to continue.
Thanks so much, I really appreciate your replies.

We have a wonderful relationship

Apart from his control freakery and insistence on you conforming to his rule, living his way and having no choice.

That is a red flag. I would seriously consider breaking up with him.

Many times, it is not a matter of religion, but the culture and family he grew up in.

Society absorbes the religion customs as social milestones without the religious meaning behind them.

Example: my country is 99% Catholic but a super small % practice the religion.
However, the pressure to get married in church and baptize your kids because "it is the right thing to do" and "what would your grandma say if you do not have a religious ceremony" is more important than the religion itself.

Lots of people convert to get married, I have friends who had to be christened and pretend to be believers as their girlfriends wanted catholic weddings.

Judaism, christianity and islam are all just the same religion, I pointed this out to a friend who wanted her jewish partner to convert to christianity before they got married.

Lots of imams will happily do a religious service if one person is an atheist, so it wouldn’t make it difficult to have a religious ceremony if you didn’t convert.

I always find it odd when people aren’t religious but then go on to marry in a church, christen their children etc. Just don’t get it 🤷🏽‍♂️

Misogyny isnt built into Islam's DNA. Unfortunately, after studying theology, it's quite obvious that organised religion has evolved to be misogynistic. One of the main focuses of organised religions has, historically, been to control people. In particular women.

I also agree many muslims do eat during Ramadan. Children are expected to do it, though some do.

However, Op, can you not see how hypocritical this is. How he is using and planning on using his religion to control you and children. By converting you are agreeing to being your future children (presuming you want them) in the religion.

What he is currently doing, is not practising because it doesnt suit him. It suits him to live his life. But when he is married it will suit him, to have a wife who does practise the religion and wants his children bringing up in the religion. I would also hazard a guess he will turn a blind eye to male children not adhering to the religion. But not female children.

I am betting you have either not met his parents, or met briefly. He will be coming under pressure to marry a muslim women. This shows, he may not practise but he will adhere to its rules, when it comes to big things and will do as his parents expect.

It's simply, that now, it suits him to be young and free not constrained by his religion.

I was brought up catholic. You see it in the catholic community. I have friends who are Jewish and it happens in their community too.

Ita about control. He will have far more control if he has a wife and kids that adhere to the religion. But he doesnt want to.

Sorry OP but i would walk away. Expecting an atheist to convert is a huge, huge red flag. Its really sad when religion gets in the way but its too big a thing to disagree on.