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Original poster

Dating a muslim man

231 replies

Lozalot · 28/11/2019 05:25

My partner is muslim. We have a wonderful relationship and I have never been happier with someone. By muslim that I mean he was raised by a muslim family, however he is not a practising muslim (out of his own choice he does not pray or even fast at ramadan). However he still believes. He has essentially told me that if we are to stay together and get married that I must covert. For me I feel this is very unfair as he does not even practise the religion. I am a strict athiest and to say I believe in any form of religion goes against my nature and principles. However we have a very happy and loving relationship so now I find myself in an awful position. Should I give him an ultimatum or is there a way we can make it work?

OP posts:
WhatAGreatDay · 30/11/2019 12:31

One of DH's relatives, a white British woman, married a Kurdish refugee. All was fine. He said that any children they had could choose their religion when they were older. Not very traditional at all.

He went back to Kurdistan on holiday to see his family and came back all religious. Wanted to ban her from eating pork, said that their children would have to be brought up muslim etc. She divorced him and is now with someone else. Luckily they hadn't had any children.

Religion/culture is a big deal and love can't always overcome the differences.

Closetbeanmuncher · 30/11/2019 12:46

So he's non practicing but wants to marry a Muslim woman.

That should tell you all you need to know

If you don't get out of this now you will end up as a side piece when he marries one.

You're kidding yourself OP.

RUN...

Paulolina · 30/11/2019 16:52

Make a deal and both convert to Judaism. It's only fair

Hithere2 · 30/11/2019 17:25

@paulolina

You nailed it!

IdiotInDisguise · 30/11/2019 20:29

Perfect and fair solution!

CherryBathBomb · 30/11/2019 20:39

Opposite religions/beliefs will never work in a relationship unfortunately. It's a recipe for disaster! Sorry but it's true.

BerryPieandCustard · 30/11/2019 21:36

Don’t marry him.... I was is in a similar situation 10 years ago. Dating and then moving in with a non practicing Muslim man who was happy to ignore his religion to have pre marital sex with a non Muslim woman. I didn’t convert to Islam but we did marry, I have one daughter with him who is 8 and we have been married for 9 years.

To be honest our lives are not compatible, everything seems a struggle. He likes to pick and choose parts of his religion to suit him and what he wants- he doesn’t drink or eat pork but never prays or fasts. I have over the years read about Islam and he doesn’t inhabit any of the good qualities that the Prophet Mohammed is said to possess. Now our daughter is 8 and she has wanted to buy a cropped t shirt which was an issue with him, the wearing of skirts or dresses and how she sits are starting to become complained about.
He spends most of his time out with his group of friends and very little time with us (his friends married to English/European women do the same) so our daughter has been brought up by me and acts accordingly. I have told him several times that if he expects her to be Muslim and lead the type of life he would prefer then to be around more and lead by example but he can’t be bothered.
It is acceptable for him to be wherever he wants at whatever time of the day or night but if I go out and I am more than a few hours then my phone will ring and ring, it is very much do as I say and not as I do. Even if I need to work outside of my regular hours for some reason it’s an issue as he will need to look after our daughter and therefore he is not free to drop everything and leave to go to see his friends as soon as the ring.

I have told him that if he thinks our daughter is going to be a good Muslim daughter and never go out or talk to a boy or wear the ‘wrong’ clothes and then suddenly want to marry a man of his choice from his home country then he is clearly stupid- he hasn’t even been bothered to teach her his language as he is always too busy to be home.

I know I will probably have to leave him at some point and have tried hard to make some sort of career for myself that I can do with minimal childcare and when my daughter gets to secondary school and old enough to either arrive home and stay alone for 45 mins or to be able to stay alone for 30mins in the morning and get herself to school I will be more able to leave this shambles of a marriage.

As my daughter have become older it has become harder to shield her from the abnormal ness of my marriage. ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THIS WAS APPARENT BEFORE MARRIAGE OR I WOULD NOT HAVE MARRIED HIM....DONT DO IT

Mummyshark2019 · 30/11/2019 21:39

Run a mile and don't do it. Just don't. Trust me. Plus you marry into their family and they are so controlling. Steer clear.

AlexaShutUp · 01/12/2019 00:10

Opposite religions/beliefs will never work in a relationship unfortunately. It's a recipe for disaster! Sorry but it's true.

Not necessarily. My mum and dad have diametrically opposed views on religion but have been very happily married for well over 50 years. DH and I also have different beliefs, and it hasn't been a problem for us over the last 25 years.

However, I think it's essential for both partners to respect each other's beliefs, and insisting that a partner converts is not conducive to a healthy relationship at all.

CherryBathBomb · 01/12/2019 00:20

That's great!

But op has said her dp is basically forcing her into his religion..sounds like a different situation don't you think?

lalafafa · 01/12/2019 00:52

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CravingCheese · 01/12/2019 05:24

BerryPieandCustard

I'm so sorry. That sounds like an extremely messy situation. Have you spoken to anyone about this in real life? Do you have support?

daisychain01 · 01/12/2019 06:17

@Lozalot sounds like you are open-minded enough to recognise the huge risk you would be taking by marrying you Bf.

The problem is that whatever he says now, and however liberal you believe him to be now, there is nothing to stop him picking and choosing from his religion as and when he wants. He's doing that already by deciding to suddenly become "more religious" just to please his family.

It's so arbitrary and unpredictable, things could start 'coming out of the woodwork' that he arbitrarily decides he wants to start practicing on a whim.

It would have been better, had he been a practicing Muslim from the start, at least you would have known where you stood.

speakout · 01/12/2019 06:21

Would be a no go for me.

I wouldn't date a Muslim man, or a Christian man.

SimonJT · 01/12/2019 07:17

@lalafafa Not a generalisation at all.

BerryPieandCustard · 01/12/2019 07:35

@CravingCheese

Some how over the years my friendship circle has become smaller and smaller, I am quiet a quiet and introverted person anyway but the friends I have left appear to be the women married to his friends.... I know that the majority of them are not happy in their marriage for the same reasons as me as the main topic of discussion is husbands and the things they do or don’t do. I do feel that I have to be careful with what i say incase one of the women is in a situation that she may let slip my plan B.

I have worked in a school since my daughter was 4.5 and started reception and even though I like my colleagues I would only say one was a friend but I don’t feel I can confide in her as her life is so far removed from mine it may be hard to understand.

I think over the years I have become used to the way things are. I have stayed because my daughter loves her father, he does love her too in his own way- the best way he is able by the examples he had growing up. The pockets of time that he spends at home are happy and as long as they remain happy I will stay. He will very rarely be at home after my daughters bed time so we actually spend very little time alone together.

Around the time my daughter started school we were lucky enough to get council housing after an 18 month wait and I made sure the tenancy was in my sole name. Have worked to make a career I can do with minimal childcare and have managed to save up a reasonably healthy Savings account as I have known for a long time that I will probably end up needing to leave.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 01/12/2019 07:47

he has so much hope that I can believe and his children can believe

This isn't a guy who will be a happy with an atheist wife. Or even a "converted on paper" wife. He is being VERY CLEAR that he believes in his religion and he expects you to as well.

He doesn't just want you to go along with it for cultural reasons, and he sure as hell won't let his kids be brought up without religion and told to decide for themselves. He is a Muslim, he wants his wife to be a Muslim and his kids to be Muslims. That is the reality.

Arguing with him about the finer points of practising Islam or pointing out that he doesn't stick to all its rules is pointless - that's not how it works when it comes to belief. You can't logic someone out of believing.

emelsie · 01/12/2019 08:25

I converted on paper so to speak , I knew it would just make life easier for him with his family, I didn't want him to have to choose between me or being rejected by his family.

We are happy , have kids etc . I'm not religious.

I would still be very cautious though as this is probably not the norm.

Scotinthenorth · 01/12/2019 08:28

No way would I convert to made up bollocks. I’d leave him

Original poster
Lozalot · 01/12/2019 09:51

@BerryPieandCustard I’m so sorry to hear your story. I hope one day you can leave him, it sounds like you and your daughter would probably live happier lives without him. I hope you can find the support you need. Your situation is very telling, thank you so much for sharing your story.

OP posts:
IndieTara · 01/12/2019 09:52

@BerryPieandCustard your life resonates with me a lot. However I got out when DD was 3 so her dad had to step up or not see her.
He also never taught her to speak Arabic, has never really educated her in any way about Islam.
However he wants her to go to university in his home country and marry a good Muslim man.
She is 10 and he is deluded

TildaKauskumholm · 01/12/2019 09:57

I used to live in a Muslim country. It is astonishing how many of the men want to have sex with whoever before marriage(while the women cannot do the same), but then insist on marrying a virgin. If you convert your life will change hugely and probably not for the best.

FizzAfterSix · 01/12/2019 12:23

@SimonJT
I am so tired of you mansplaining all over Mumsnet.
There's even a thread about you on Reddit doing this.
Women have the right to share their experiences and concerns without misogynistic men like you accusing them of `ignorance'.
It's great to have men posting but please try and listen to women's opinions without dismissing them as rubbish.

LolaSmiles · 01/12/2019 12:30

emelsie
I suspect you're like quite a few people who've literally converted on paper to follow tradition but it's not impacted on your relationship. I know people who've done that when one family was culturally Catholic for big events.

The red flag here is that he wants a Muslim wife, not a wife who reverts and ticks the box to allow a traditional ceremony.

daisychain01 · 01/12/2019 12:30

Do you know for certain that @SimonJT is actually a man? They might have made up their username with a man's name but are they?

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