Dating a muslim man

[Lozalot]

My partner is muslim. We have a wonderful relationship and I have never been happier with someone. By muslim that I mean he was raised by a muslim family, however he is not a practising muslim (out of his own choice he does not pray or even fast at ramadan). However he still believes. He has essentially told me that if we are to stay together and get married that I must covert. For me I feel this is very unfair as he does not even practise the religion. I am a strict athiest and to say I believe in any form of religion goes against my nature and principles. However we have a very happy and loving relationship so now I find myself in an awful position. Should I give him an ultimatum or is there a way we can make it work?

From my cultural perspective this situation is absolutely ludicrous and if I’d heard someone telling me the same then I would simply laugh, however when you are in love with someone from such a different culture they could practically be from a different planet, there are many things you have to consider, be tolerant to and open-minded about.

Yes, it's true that tolerance and compromise is necessary, but that applies to both sides. Nobody should be required to compromise their personal beliefs and integrity, and if that's what is required to make the relationship work, I'd argue that it isn't worth it.

I understand where you're coming from. My DH is from a very different culture that sounds similar (perhaps the same?) as the one that you describe. We have both had to compromise over the years, and our families have had to adjust their expectations too. However, neither of us would ever want the other person to do something that made them feel really uneasy or uncomfortable. We accept each other as we are.

MsRomanoff,
My friend wanted to marry a man who had the same faith as her. Life took her on a path where she met and fell for someone who wasn't Jewish so she asked him to convert. He agreed. I guess she wanted a wholly Jewish family. They aren't orthodox but they are practising.
No quite the same as dying one's hair a different colour for your partner.

I’d walk away.

Do you want to bring your children up in the Muslim faith?

I’ve seen this pan out. If he’s demanding you convert before marriage he will suddenly become very hardcore after marriage. Except it will be you who will be expected to adhere to his ‘beliefs’. You’ll be expected to bring your children up according to the Islamic faith and behave to his expectations of a good Muslim wife. And as you’re not Muslim and have no interest in the faith, this will be according to what he tells you a Muslim wife is. Which will very likely consist of doing exactly what he tells you and nothing remotely Islamic.

You clearly do not want to convert. So don’t.

This is a huge red flag. He is already controlling. LTB

I'd read the thread about the lady who is scared to tell her dh shes pregnant with a girl before you commit to anything.

Don't marry him if you don't believe. Having children does awake a believers senses.
On the other hand take a look at Islamic videos together (I can send you some of you wish) to see where he is coming from if he's worth it.

@PrincessHoneysuckle that thread is nothing to do with Islam. The guy is Pakistani but my Pakistani friends are not like that at all. Of course there are people amongst them who have this awful cultural belief which doesn't stem from Islam but another religion/culture found in India.

As a Muslim woman I feel honoured and respected. I couldn't ask for anything more in life. However marrying someone who doesn't have a clue about his religion may not lead to the same position so it is very important to study as much as you can first. If you don't want to then there's no marriage. It won't work.

I think he wants you to convert more for his families benefit than anything else.

A family member of mine converted and it was so she was accepted by his family and so that they didn't disown her partner. She says she's Muslim but to be honest the both of them are far from it, don't pray , she doesn't fast etc.

This relationship can’t work because you have different beliefs. Your partner wants a Muslim wife so you need to let him go so that he can be free to find one. It’s sad that this will be a dealbreaker, but please don’t waste any more of your time on him.

I’ve written and deleted two lengthy posts but I’m afraid they’ll be outing and I don’t want repercussions for myself or my dc so I’ll simply say enjoy the present, don’t marry him and especially don’t have children with him.

My exH was non practising when we met but it all changes when you get pregnant.

Best of luck to you.

Religion or not, he’s a misogynistic arsehole who categorises women into Madonnas or whores. Basically you’re good enough to fuck but in his mind wives are held to different standards than girlfriends.

You talk about having to be tolerant and open minded, but does the same not apply to him?

I think you're getting yourself into a world of shit if you stay with this man. You're not compatible.

I'd read the thread about the lady who is scared to tell her dh shes pregnant with a girl before you commit to anything.

Ehm... What?

May I have the link, please?

@CravingCheese I am so scared to tell my husband it's yet another girl www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3755087-I-am-so-scared-to-tell-my-husband-its-yet-another-girl

His isn't religious though.

It is when children come along that the problems start. If his parents disagree with something you want to do, he has made it clear his parents come first so your opinions will always be secondary to his. I also wouldn't want to bring my children up in a particular way.

I would have a serious discussion with him, but accept that he could well change his mind down the line. What if one of his children was gay or moved in with a partner prior to marriage or declared themselves atheist or didn't want to cover up etc etc. What if they didn't want to pray?

I would ask any religious person these questions as even though I am pagan, I feel very strongly about the indoctrination of children. In your case, if you do decide to go down this route, never give up work, you may need an escape route one day. The Muslim wife part is the most concerning to me.

No problem dating or marrying a Muslim person.

Major major issue marrying someone who will force you to join their religion. Also if he has ties and family in another country, make sure you check which one and whether he could take future kids there and not return them if things did go to shit.

You have to be very careful in your choices here due to his comment about you having to become Muslim if you marry. That suddenly says a LOT about how your future would likely be regardless of how great things are right now.

That's ridiculous. I'm Muslim, DH is not. I never expected him to convert (and from a cultural perspective this way round is generally much rarer and much less accepted than where the woman is a non-Muslim!). He is agnostic and non-religious. I was raised Muslim and I'm not sure I would say I'm practicing anymore as I don't do the five daily prayers for example but I definitely believe in God, do my own prayers, and feel spiritual and celebrate Islamic events etc, I would fast but can't due to medical reasons. So more religious than your DH by the sounds of it. Not that it is a competition but just to compare my attitude to my DH compared to his to you. We have one child who is being raised Muslim but obviously in an open environment and not a super religious one.

GiveHerHellFromUs

What a horrifying thread. She says she feels safe but I must say, I have doubts.

But I'm not sure how that is revelant to this thread?

Yeah, yeah OP.

I had all the chats and agreements on how to raise the children, we did the pre cana, the whole shebang.

I only found out the extent of his (and his family's) terrifyingly backward and bigoted religious beliefs when I was around 4 or 5 months pregnant. Funny that. it wasn't fucking funny

Don't be me.

Also lots of assumptions from people on this thread and things stated as facts that aren't. E.g. someone was presenting it as a fact that you would have to run about after his family, wtf? That's not a given just because of his religious identify. So many stereotypes on here. Every Muslim family is different just like every family is different. My DM converted to Islam from Christianity (not v religious). My grandparents are very traditional in many respects (live in the ME)! But always treated her very well and she's never had a complaint about their behaviour to her. Actually my DGF is always telling my DF off for various things that he thinks are unfair on DM!

DH is a practising Muslim and I am a lapsed Christian, we have been married for 19 years. He has never suggested I convert / revert.
I don’t drink or eat meat so dietary restrictions aren’t an issue.
However, we did talk through our expectations early in our relationship and there is no way I would have converted or accepted restrictions.
I wear a headscarf when visiting his home country but that is mainly because his family live in a small town and people would gossip (if we go to beach or a big city I often take it off as not everyone wears one anyway)

from my, and many western women I met through my ex H (who was a westernised but non UK muslim) is that they remain westernised but expect the wives to adhere to the cultural expectations, and this cranks up a whole load when there are kids.
playboys while expecting women to behave
But happy to live off the women's money.
they want to cherry pick the good bits of the west
They want to cherry pick the best bits of their culture
They dont want to comply with the bits of their culture that benefit the wives.

I am married to a Muslim man. He isn't practicing, he doesn't fast, drinks alcohol etc. but many of his family are practicing.
He has never asked me to convert, he never would. He has never expected me to do anything with regard his religion.
His parents never approved of me (they have both passed away now) as they wanted him to marry a Muslim but he never let them force him to do anything, they weren't happy when we married but they eventually accepted the situation.
I think if there is no compromise and agreement in this kind of relationship it will never work.