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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What happened here? (*possibly triggering)

164 replies

Turbotastic · 27/11/2019 16:43

Ok, not really sure where to start. I've namechanged because I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of myself and don't want to talk to anyone in RL about it because I'm worried that people will judge me. But I need to talk to someone because I'm really struggling with what happened and I need to get it out.

Recently joined a famous dating site as I had been dumped and my self esteem was at an all time low. Not really looking for dates or even sex mainly just company and someone to talk to.

Started speaking to a guy who invited me over to watch a movie. I was worried that he was thinking of it as a booty call and I would come over for sex, which I didn't want. I said this, and that I would meet the next day in the daytime instead. He rang me, we spoke on the phone and he assured me that wasn't the case, we were just going to chat and watch a movie, get to know one another and so on. He offered to sleep on the sofa if it got too late, etc etc. So I went over.

We start out watching the film and everything was fine but then he started kissing me and trying to initiate sex. I was a little bit annoyed considering his previous assurances but eventually I started getting into it. We start having sex, I asked him to wear a condom which he did but then he got behind me and I strongly suspect he took it off.

Then over the course of the evening he:

Held me down
Fisted me
Used a dildo on me (which he hid from sight until it was happening - I suspect this was partly because he was losing his erection and wanted to continue)
Attempted anal multiple times - with fingers and penis
Slapped me
Spat on me
Called me horrible degrading names like 'dirty cunt'

None of the above he had consent for, in fact virtually all of it he asked for and I said no (with the exception of the dildo), I tried to move away and told him to stop. Anal was the only thing he didn't quite manage but he said it WAS going to happen at some point. I waited until he fell asleep and got the fuck out of there.

Im still in pain almost a week later and I have bruises. Wtf happened here?! Other than the fact that I'm a colossal idiot who makes stupid decisions and takes ridiculous risks because I seek validation from others to make myself feel better and have sex when what I really want and need is someone to love me.

Was this what I think it was? Or should I just chalk it up to a bad experience?

OP posts:
LilouBlue · 27/11/2019 16:46

It was rape, and it WASN'T your fault. I'm so sorry.

Fireyhomes · 27/11/2019 16:47

I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s not your fault. I don’t actually know what else to say, what you’ve been through is horrific :(

Sexnotgender · 27/11/2019 16:47

Fucking hell, you were brutally assaulted is what happened.
I’m sorry this happened to you, please go to the police.

Menora · 27/11/2019 16:49

This is horrendous I felt ill for you reading it
You have been raped

It is up to you what you do next, but I would seriously consider the police. I know you are in shock

Menora · 27/11/2019 16:50

You also need an STI check x

Menora · 27/11/2019 16:52

OP this happened to me when I was 15 and I ended up pregnant by him. He trapped me in a car in the middle of nowhere on what was just a date I thought. I had a termination and never saw him again. But I wish I had reported him as I don’t know how many other girls this happened to after or before me. He did give me an STD

12345kbm · 27/11/2019 16:54

I'm really sorry you went through that as it sounds utterly horrific.

Please get in contact with Rape Crisis. There is a search facility on the website where you can find your nearest centre. If you can't find it, please call the main number.

It also might be an idea to speak to your GP and have a check up in case you have any injuries. You've had quite a shock and she may know of local trauma counselling or other support in your area. Crisis teams are often linked to GP surgeries. You need to get checked for STDs as well as some don't have any symptoms but can have longlasting damaging effects.

I know this is a lot to take in and I think you need to someone in confidence to discuss your options. Rape Crisis also has a live chat line that may be a good first step.

Quartz2208 · 27/11/2019 16:54

Please go to the doctors and to the police and record it all and see about getting him charged

hairyturkey · 27/11/2019 16:54

Please report this man to the police, he is probably doing it to lots of women and you could save others from this dangerous person.
I'm so sorry you were raped.

Ilovewillow · 27/11/2019 16:54

You are NOT stupid he raped you! Please go to the police and report this - you did nothing wrong!!

Legoandloldolls · 27/11/2019 16:57

I'm so sorry you was raped. You need to go to police as he might have form for this. If you asked him to stop and didnt, its non consentauly and he could be doing it to other woman or even planning his next victim now.

It will be a hard process but please report him. Even if you dont press charges. You need to stop him doing it again.

I'm so sorry. Vile repugnant man. He should be castrated

Turbotastic · 27/11/2019 16:59

I'm 100% going to get an STI check but my local centre only does them every 2 weeks so I'll get an appointment ASAP. Fortunately I'm on contraception so it's very unlikely I'll be pregnant.

I've been raped before a few years ago but in completely different circumstances so it doesn't feel like the same thing. Hence my confusion. Last time it was over so quickly and he didn't hurt me physically at all. This time was so much more violent and it went on for hours.

I honestly don't know what to do now. I don't know how I'll ever trust anyone or have sex again.

I'm sorry, I know I should but I can't report him. I don't even know his last name. There's no evidence. Last time I did report and they wouldn't prosecute. I can't go through it again.

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 27/11/2019 17:01

You were raed, the bastard. Please go to the police- then at the very least it's on file for if anyone else reports having issues with him. Even you only consenting to sex with him if he wore a condom and him taking it off and carrying on is rape. So sorry you went through this. Hugs xxxxx

12345kbm · 27/11/2019 17:02

Please go and see your GP as you might have injuries and your GP can give you an STD check. You can get an emergency appointment. Do this if nothing else, please.

RLEOM · 27/11/2019 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Welltroddenpath · 27/11/2019 17:03

OP this has happened to someone I know very recently. Almost word for word. He doesn’t live in the London area does he?

tenredthings · 27/11/2019 17:06

So sorry, this sounds horrendous. Please report him. He violently raped you. Thanks

Turbotastic · 27/11/2019 17:07

@Welltroddenpath no, opposite side of the country. Fucking disgusting that there is more than one guy doing this.

OP posts:
ScapaFlo · 27/11/2019 17:07

You know his address and phone number. And the name he's going by with you. The police have databases which will find a surname. Please report.

Menora · 27/11/2019 17:08

You have enough information to give them OP.

Sotiredsomuch · 27/11/2019 17:08

Ummmm wtf!!! This is a hideous rape and you NEED to report him.

Please please don’t let him get away with this OP.

Poor you, you did not deserve this.

Quartz2208 · 27/11/2019 17:09

Your injuries should be evidence enough of a sustained violent attack. He will do it again so getting your details down could be enough to link it

And will open up the support

RickOShay · 27/11/2019 17:10

@Turbotastic and @Menora
I am so sorry this happened to you.
It was NOT your fault in any way.
If you can, definitely report him.
Don’t turn what he did you against yourself, this was all him, nothing to do with you, be kind to yourself.
Flowers

ClementineIvy · 27/11/2019 17:12

He subjected you to a sustained and violent sexual assault and rape. I'm so, so sorry you went through that, OP. Please seek counselling; you could also self-refer to a SARC and they can keep evidence on file for you if you wanted, just in case you change your mind about reporting it to the police later x

Gemma1971 · 27/11/2019 17:12

Bloody hell, you were raped.

You must be in shock still? Please call the police.

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