What happened here? (*possibly triggering)

[Turbotastic]

Ok, not really sure where to start. I've namechanged because I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of myself and don't want to talk to anyone in RL about it because I'm worried that people will judge me. But I need to talk to someone because I'm really struggling with what happened and I need to get it out.

Recently joined a famous dating site as I had been dumped and my self esteem was at an all time low. Not really looking for dates or even sex mainly just company and someone to talk to.

Started speaking to a guy who invited me over to watch a movie. I was worried that he was thinking of it as a booty call and I would come over for sex, which I didn't want. I said this, and that I would meet the next day in the daytime instead. He rang me, we spoke on the phone and he assured me that wasn't the case, we were just going to chat and watch a movie, get to know one another and so on. He offered to sleep on the sofa if it got too late, etc etc. So I went over.

We start out watching the film and everything was fine but then he started kissing me and trying to initiate sex. I was a little bit annoyed considering his previous assurances but eventually I started getting into it. We start having sex, I asked him to wear a condom which he did but then he got behind me and I strongly suspect he took it off.

Then over the course of the evening he:

Held me down
Fisted me
Used a dildo on me (which he hid from sight until it was happening - I suspect this was partly because he was losing his erection and wanted to continue)
Attempted anal multiple times - with fingers and penis
Slapped me
Spat on me
Called me horrible degrading names like 'dirty cunt'

None of the above he had consent for, in fact virtually all of it he asked for and I said no (with the exception of the dildo), I tried to move away and told him to stop. Anal was the only thing he didn't quite manage but he said it WAS going to happen at some point. I waited until he fell asleep and got the fuck out of there.

Im still in pain almost a week later and I have bruises. Wtf happened here?! Other than the fact that I'm a colossal idiot who makes stupid decisions and takes ridiculous risks because I seek validation from others to make myself feel better and have sex when what I really want and need is someone to love me.

Was this what I think it was? Or should I just chalk it up to a bad experience?

I'm so, so sorry that you are going through this. Nobody deserves such an awful experience once in their lifetime, let alone twice. You did not cause this. The blame is 100% on him.

As other posters have said, even if you can't currently face reporting this b@stard to the police, please speak to Rape Crisis who will help you get seen by a clinic where you can have all the bruises etc recorded and also help you with things like STI checks.

If you are still hurting a week later he must have been really brutal. I very much doubt that this is the first time he's done this and it probably won't be the last. If you at least get screenshots of his dating profile, write down a detailed account of what he did to you and have a medical professional record the bruising etc then if you have a change of heart about reporting him at a later date you will have evidence. It may be that you hear of other women having a similar attack with a man matching his description, being able to come forward with whatever evidence you can get now would be helpful in those circumstances.

Please don't blame yourself. You said no. He should have accepted you saying no. Even just the act of pestering you until you gave in is considered to be coercive rape. To do the things he did to you without full consent is horrendous. No woman deserves that, no matter what their past is or even if they change their mind after starting to have sex.
This is not your fault

You poor thing, my tummy is in knots as I read this because I too have had this happen. You will come through the other side. It was not your fault in anyway. Go and have the check ups. Much love and remember you are a whole person and this one element bruised and traumatised will regain strength. xxx

Please, please look after yourself. This was not your fault, it doesn't define you and there is nothing YOU have to do. However, from personal experience, don't carry this by yourself. Talk to somebody in real life. You don't have to deal with this on your own.
I completely get why you don't want to report. You don't have to.

This is horrific for you. Lots of people trying to guilt the op....you must report, think of the other women etc
OP you should look after yourself and maybe speak to rape crisis for some support but if you don't want to speak to the police then don't feel pushed in to it.

You could also self-refer to a SARC and they can keep evidence on file for you if you wanted

This is very good advice, from their website....

^SARCs (sexual assault referral centres) are specialist medical and forensic services for anyone who has been raped or sexually assaulted. They are designed to be comfortable and multi-functional, providing private space for interviews and forensic examinations, and some may also offer sexual health and counselling services. Their services are free of charge and provided to women, men, young people and children.

SARCs provide services to victims/survivors of rape or sexual assault regardless of whether the survivor/victim chooses to reports the offence to the police or not. They have specialist staff that are trained to help you make informed decisions about what you want to do next.

Some SARCs have Independent Sexual Violence Advisers (ISVAs) who provide a range of specialist support to victims/survivors which vary case by case and are dependent on individual needs. Typically ISVAs provide impartial information to victims/survivors regarding their options, from reporting to the police to accessing other relevant services.^

My thoughts are with you, please be kind to yourself.

If you did not want to report to the police at this point in time, at least it would be on record should you wish to in the future.

I'm so sickened that you went through all of this. Please get some support outside if just testing. Try not to blame yourself - you are in no way to blame for any of that. And you said it was ok, because you were protecting yourself. That's the mode we go into.

I totally understand you not wanting to report this - I was let down badly by CPS when I reported violent abuse by my ex while I was pregnant, so I know how pointless that feels.

Just keep yourself safe.

If you can, I would see if you can report it to the dating site - they will be able to search their servers & put it together, I'm sure.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Non of this is your fault.

I'm shocked to hear how the police mistreated you when you reported the first rape, I naively hoped times had changed. Could you report at another police station maybe? Or in a bigger city where police hopefully had more training?

Equally important though is to seek therapy. What you went through is horrible and a kind and healing therapeutic process might help you to process the assaults.

The worst part of it was the degradation and humiliation of it. The name calling, the dirty talk. I don't even do that as part of a loving LTR. Ditto the spitting, slapping, choking (I forgot that bit) etc. It's like he was recreating everything he's ever seen in a porno. I feel totally worthless as a person, just an object to fulfil his porn star fantasies.

You are not worthless in any way. It’s ok to be you, treat yourself with respect and kindness. The humiliation is HIS. The degradation is HIS. It’s got nothing to do with you. You are the same person as before, you are you. And that’s ok.

Be gentle to yourself.

I am so sorry

Do reach out and get professional support

You are not worthless, you did not deserve any of this! I am so sorry this happened to you 💐

What an awful ordeal that predator has put you through OP.
Please as PP have said get yourself some professional support asap and if you can report him to the dating site.

Take care of yourself

I also agree that the OP has absolutely no responsibility to report this to the police. OP, just do what you need to do to look after yourself.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are not alone. I was raped, I felt all the things you describe, you wont always feel this way.

You do NOT sound pathetic. You are a victim of a very brutal crime.

Please get support. Reach out to the rape crisis teams suggested.

I can completely understand you not feeling confident or comfortable in approaching the police. But at some point in your healing journey (which with the right support it is a journey you will take) you may want to report him. If you can and you haven't washed your clothes from that night, set them to one side in a bag. Bury it in the wardrobe or at the bottom of a drawer. And again, if you can face it, take photos of your injuries. Move them to a separate folder so they arent there as a reminder in your gallery, but know that you have these little snippets of evidence to support you and give you power and strength should you find you want to report him.

But mainly, get some support. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. Not a thing. And this is not your fault. Sending you hugs.

Some SARCs have Independent Sexual Violence Advisers (ISVAs) who provide a range of specialist support to victims/survivors which vary case by case and are dependent on individual needs.

If you can access an ISVA that would be fantastic - there are also ISVAs who work with branches of Rape Crisis.

An ISVA will provide whatever level of support you need, whether that involves reporting or not. An ISVA supported me in court, and she was an absolute tower of strength.

I hope you do find a way to access some support in real life - you deserve it. You are a million times braver and stronger than that scumbag.

Could you report at another police station maybe? Or in a bigger city where police hopefully had more training?

The Met has as dismal a record on sexual violence as any other force. Please don't try and imply that the OP's previous experience was unusual. Those of us who've reported understand why she's reluctant, and going to a city isn't going to change anything.

The OP needs to make the decision that is right for her.

OP - a SARC can provide you with the medical care you need and put you in touch with counsellors etc. They'd also record any evidence, but you wouldn't have to report. If you changed your mind at a future date, it would give you the option, but no obligations would be placed on you.

We need to organise ourselves so we can find a way of actually killing these men and making it look like an accident.

What a disgusting animal op I really do hope you’re okay and have reported this?

I could hardly believe my eyes reading that!! He deserves locking up and the key throwing away, he is the definition of predator!!

Sending you lots of hugs

OP I'm so sorry this happened to you.

It's not your fault
You don't have to report it
It's not on you if he does this to somebody else

I’m so sorry OP. It is not your fault. It is also not your fault if he goes on to do this to someone else.

Please report him, sounds like you were lucky to escape, the next person might not be

You need to seek professional support and you absolutely must report the evil bastard. A truely appalling experience and I agree with TARSCOUT....his next victim may fair even worse....

Some of the people replying here could really use a little restraint and compassion and refrain from telling a rape victim what to do. rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/looking-for-information/supporting-a-survivor/

Op, please look after yourself. None of this is on you. None of it.

I totally agree category12 they have no idea!