What happened here? (*possibly triggering)

[Turbotastic]

Ok, not really sure where to start. I've namechanged because I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of myself and don't want to talk to anyone in RL about it because I'm worried that people will judge me. But I need to talk to someone because I'm really struggling with what happened and I need to get it out.

Recently joined a famous dating site as I had been dumped and my self esteem was at an all time low. Not really looking for dates or even sex mainly just company and someone to talk to.

Started speaking to a guy who invited me over to watch a movie. I was worried that he was thinking of it as a booty call and I would come over for sex, which I didn't want. I said this, and that I would meet the next day in the daytime instead. He rang me, we spoke on the phone and he assured me that wasn't the case, we were just going to chat and watch a movie, get to know one another and so on. He offered to sleep on the sofa if it got too late, etc etc. So I went over.

We start out watching the film and everything was fine but then he started kissing me and trying to initiate sex. I was a little bit annoyed considering his previous assurances but eventually I started getting into it. We start having sex, I asked him to wear a condom which he did but then he got behind me and I strongly suspect he took it off.

Then over the course of the evening he:

Held me down
Fisted me
Used a dildo on me (which he hid from sight until it was happening - I suspect this was partly because he was losing his erection and wanted to continue)
Attempted anal multiple times - with fingers and penis
Slapped me
Spat on me
Called me horrible degrading names like 'dirty cunt'

None of the above he had consent for, in fact virtually all of it he asked for and I said no (with the exception of the dildo), I tried to move away and told him to stop. Anal was the only thing he didn't quite manage but he said it WAS going to happen at some point. I waited until he fell asleep and got the fuck out of there.

Im still in pain almost a week later and I have bruises. Wtf happened here?! Other than the fact that I'm a colossal idiot who makes stupid decisions and takes ridiculous risks because I seek validation from others to make myself feel better and have sex when what I really want and need is someone to love me.

Was this what I think it was? Or should I just chalk it up to a bad experience?

This was rape and needs reporting. I don't know about dating sites but could you get him banned from there as he'll use it to find other victims.

Really sounds shockingly similar. This person was over 45 and from another country

I'm so sorry you've gone through this OP.

You're not an idiot and you have enough to report him.

Is there anyone you can also talk to in real life?

This is horrendous. You were raped and it is NOT your fault. Please seek medical advice to ensure he has not internally hurt you or passed on a sexually transmitted disease. Please also confide in support and report this to the police. Once again, this is NOT your fault and speaking out to us was the hardest step .

And please don't go to someone's house when you have no idea who they are.

His attitude to meeting you outside his home spoke volumes.

It was horrendous, but thank God you are alive OP. Anything could have happened to you, you may not have lived to even tell us about this.

Please make sure you report it. He attacked you and violently abused you. There is no excuse for what he did.

Please love and respect yourself and stop going to a man's house when he could be anyone. And this man clearly is a rapist.

@jimjamgill you're being an unnecessary dick. This isn't the time.

@ScapaFlo I know his first name, supposedly, but I deleted his number and deleted him off the dating site. I just wanted to forget about it and didn't want any trace of him in my phone. I know his address but he said it was his friend's place so he may not be officially on the books there.

I don't think I can report him. I don't think I'm strong enough. The investigation last time was horrible, they treated me like I was a criminal, or at the very least not a credible enough witness to make it worth their while. They were more interested in questioning me about minor, irrelevant details. If I report again I'll look like 'the girl who cried rape' again. They won't believe me.

Oh god. No, this was so wrong. You do need to call the police and report him or go to your local police station as soon as possible if you can especially while you have evidence of bruising.

Is there anyone friend wise that can support you? A good friend would not judge you, this really isn’t your fault and you shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. It won’t matter that you initially consented to sex, this is about everything that happened from beyond that point, you said no, made it clear you weren’t comfortable, tried to move away and he carried on.

I think you can see from everyone who has replied to your post that it’s a universal agreement that this was so very wrong.

This is awful.
Please see your GP.
Please speak to helplines such as those PP have listed and counsellors.
Please contact the police.
Please get in touch with the dating site you met on and inform them what has happened. Other women need to be protected from him.

@jimjamgill what the hell. OP was raped and does not need your judgement. She trusted someone and that was broken. She was attacked and assaulted.
This is no ones fault but the man who did this.
Your attitude is damaging and unhelpful.

OP so sorry this happened to you.
Is there anyone in real life you can talk to? This wasn’t your fault.

@jimjamgill
That is one of the most awful things you could say. What are you thinking of?
It’s not her fault. It’s ALL his fault.

@jimjamgill I fear you don’t understand consent. Consent to sex is not consent to be held down and subjected to treatment you would never have wanted.
By saying this you are ultimately saying that any person having sex has the right to violate the other person however they choose.
Think about this in context please

Who put 50p in the wanker?

OP do seek out your local rape centre

To those who've slated me - I completely agree with you. I was a fucking idiot who took a stupid, stupid risk. This is exactly why I can't tell anyone IRL because they'll just think I'm some stupid slut who got what she deserved and asked for it. It's what I think of myself.

I never used to be like this. I had barely slept with anyone up until the last few years. Then I had my heart well and truly broken, became depressed and now I'm a borderline sex addict because I'm so lonely and desperate for love I will just grab onto any attention that someone gives me ie, sex. I take what I can get because it's better than nothing. I'm deeply ashamed of myself and my behaviour.

This is a massive wake up call. Not going to go looking for anything, love, sex or otherwise for a long long time. If ever again.

Hi OP. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Please go to the police. Even if nothing comes of it, his name will be in the system. He can't be allowed to do this to anyone else. It will take a lot but you sound like a strong woman.

Oh my dear god.
No no no no no sweetheart. You
are lovely. He is a rapist.

@Turbotastic

I promise you that you did not deserve this.

I'm so sorry this has happened. I hope you can find the strength to report it because he absolutely should not get away with it. And please be kind to yourself.

Oh OP I'm so sorry this happened to you, my heart goes out to you. I understand that you feel you can't report it but please do seek some form of help. Perhaps counselling to help you get over both incidents and to help you deal with the other issues you described. At the very least go to your GP and get checked out for anything physical. Can you try and speak to a friend / family member who wouldn't judge? I know I wouldn't if you were my friend. Maybe then you will feel strong enough to report him. Sending virtual love and hugs

I am so sorry you went through this. If you have bruises and are still sore, report it now as there is evidence that could be used. The severity of it makes me think he has done it to others especially if he is on a dating site.

Please report this, for yourself and to stop it happening to others too. Either way contact Rape Crisis who will be able to help you

rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/find-a-rape-crisis-centre

All the best xxx

Report to the dating site. Even though you've deleted him they'll be able to trace who it was and bam him from the site. Then you must go to the police.

I felt the same way for a long time that it was my fault

Re healing, I went through a long phase of very drunk sex with people, where I could only be drunk to have sex even in a serious LTR. The drunker the better, almost so I didn’t care as much

Re trust, I am not sure it 100% comes back, I am very anxious about things now - but drinking less around people and not taking any chances helps me feel in control. I find myself repulsed by any hint of sexual aggression or sexual advances in a man

You really should talk to your GP about counselling or contact a women’s rape crisis number to talk to someone about this