What happened here? (*possibly triggering)

[Turbotastic]

Ok, not really sure where to start. I've namechanged because I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of myself and don't want to talk to anyone in RL about it because I'm worried that people will judge me. But I need to talk to someone because I'm really struggling with what happened and I need to get it out.

Recently joined a famous dating site as I had been dumped and my self esteem was at an all time low. Not really looking for dates or even sex mainly just company and someone to talk to.

Started speaking to a guy who invited me over to watch a movie. I was worried that he was thinking of it as a booty call and I would come over for sex, which I didn't want. I said this, and that I would meet the next day in the daytime instead. He rang me, we spoke on the phone and he assured me that wasn't the case, we were just going to chat and watch a movie, get to know one another and so on. He offered to sleep on the sofa if it got too late, etc etc. So I went over.

We start out watching the film and everything was fine but then he started kissing me and trying to initiate sex. I was a little bit annoyed considering his previous assurances but eventually I started getting into it. We start having sex, I asked him to wear a condom which he did but then he got behind me and I strongly suspect he took it off.

Then over the course of the evening he:

Held me down
Fisted me
Used a dildo on me (which he hid from sight until it was happening - I suspect this was partly because he was losing his erection and wanted to continue)
Attempted anal multiple times - with fingers and penis
Slapped me
Spat on me
Called me horrible degrading names like 'dirty cunt'

None of the above he had consent for, in fact virtually all of it he asked for and I said no (with the exception of the dildo), I tried to move away and told him to stop. Anal was the only thing he didn't quite manage but he said it WAS going to happen at some point. I waited until he fell asleep and got the fuck out of there.

Im still in pain almost a week later and I have bruises. Wtf happened here?! Other than the fact that I'm a colossal idiot who makes stupid decisions and takes ridiculous risks because I seek validation from others to make myself feel better and have sex when what I really want and need is someone to love me.

Was this what I think it was? Or should I just chalk it up to a bad experience?

None of it your fault. Not one bit. You have nothing to blame yourself about or feel ashamed of. He did this to you because he is a vile predator, the shame and blame and responsibility are his. Do what ever you need to do to survive and you WILL survive. Get in contact with rape crisis, they will help you. Sending you love and strength.

@PanicAndRun
It's not OP's fault or responsibility if he goes on to do it again. The full responsibility lies with the rapist.

You're conflating responsibilities.
a) Each of us who knows something which may harm others bears a responsibility to try and prevent that harm come to others. That responsibility is to help protect others. The OP has such a responsibility, as heavy and unwanted as it is.
b) The responsibility for the harm done to OP 100% lies with the attacker.

So very sorry that this happened to you OP I hope you get the support and care in RL take good care of yourself you did not deserve any of this 💐

Please report. I'm so sorry this happened to you

He could right now be chatting to another poor woman and she will be in your situation at some point.

I shudder to think of poor grace Millane. Please report. X

When it happened to me, similar I had told him i just wanted to date as I was only 15. I was reluctant to go out with him alone as I didn’t know him well. I had met him in a group before and that was fine, so I kind of had a false sense of security.

He picked me up and gave me a bottle of vodka and some cans of coke. I said I didn’t want it - it was a Tuesday evening and I had school the next day. But he persuaded me to drink it. When I realised he was driving into the forest, I told him I was actually on my period - I was. He said he didn’t mind. I could feel and see bumps all over his penis and he didn’t use a condom. I said not more than once but didn’t fight. I then let him drive me home as I was afraid of him, and I was nice to him as I felt I had to be

I didn’t realise I was pregnant until I went to the GP with genital warts and confessed what had happened. And I was quite late on so basically, it was awful.

The OP has such a responsibility,

No she doesn't. Her only responsibility is to look after herself and hopefully in time heal.

I'm so sorry @Menora, it's appalling how these men treat women. Even worst that you were so young, how do they sleep at night?!

In both my cases they have at least one daughter and one son each. I wonder how they would feel if their own kids did these things or had them happen to them.

I’m so sorry this happened to you @Turbotastic
You are not to blame for what he did to you.
I understand pps saying you should report him but I understand more why you feel you can’t
Fuck sake I’m so angry this shit happens to us 😡
Please talk to someone in real life

menora 💔

I don't think I can do it again, especially since me reporting was all for nothing in the end.

You don't have to my love. Just do what you have to do to go through the day. Find some support ,professional or otherwise . Keep talking .Remember you are not to blame.

I honestly think they see women as pleasure objects. I’ve had OLD guys ask me to do things before now (our of the blue usually) and I have told them NO but also... women don’t usually enjoy stuff like that. It’s porn not RL. They wouldn’t see their daughter as a porn object, but you are a warm vagina with no face. I don’t know how else to put it.
Some men actually despise women and that’s why they do it

Oh OP this is not your fault in any way. At all! He could've done this to anyone from any emotional background in any circumstances or location - and he probably has. Men like this always have form.

You were let down so badly by the police before, no wonder you're reluctant to report. I think you should though and I'd hope the fuckwits you had last time are not a genuine reflection on the majority of police officers out there.

For now, call a rape helpline tell or someone you trust. You need support. Go to the doctors tomorrow for an emergency referral for an STI test. Get examined if you can manage it, you may have injuries. Look after you as a number one priority right now.

I'm so sorry this has happened you you

I’m glad you are talking. There are loads of us out here who totally get how you feel. Dirty and ashamed. But you did not deserve this

Yep I was talking to my adult niece recently about how some men seem to despise women. She’s being messed around by a man who frankly doesn’t deserve the steam off her piss. She couldn’t see what he was doing was abusive.
Sorry for derail op

Despising women - usually the sexual kick is out of abusing them not the sexual act. Not like a fetish but like a sick enjoyment

I'm sorry that you were so let down before. The handling of sexual assault in our criminal justice system is pretty shocking.

My heart hurts. I can't stop crying. I'm just so tired of being hurt over and over. Just want to hide in bed until I don't feel so awful.

I feel like the world has changed and yet everything is the same. I still have to talk to people, go to work, deal with customers like everything is normal. Inside I'm screaming that I'm not ok but what choice do I have? I can't afford to take time off work, I can't fall apart because I don't have any safety net. I have to just carry on like everything is fine.

God I sound so pathetic.

In my adult experiences of sexual assault, this happens more often than not: He said something to the effect of 'but you were ok with it (meaning the sex) weren't you?', to which I of course answered yes. The fact that he asked makes me think he knows what he did wasn't ok and what he was really asking was 'I'm not going to get done for this, am I?'. The first guy who raped me did exactly the same thing.

Because these men really don’t think of themselves as “proper rapists”. They use all manner of methods to deflect blame and responsibility. There was a study a while ago where men were asked if they’d ever raped anyone and almost none said yes. Then they were asked if they’ve ever had sex with a woman without consent and many said yes.

You are in no way to blame for what’s happened to you. You are not stupid. Hell, I was in a longterm relationship with a man who treated me like this frequently - I’m not stupid either. These men are very good at detecting and exploiting vulnerable women - I’d been abused as a child, you’ve been raped before.

Please call Rape Crisis or a local SARC if you have one. You don’t have to report it if you choose not to but you do need support. And look into EMDR for when you’re feeling a little stronger

Ok on a practical level - who do you have in your life who you could confide in when you feel ready?
These are things I think rape crisis could help you with OP, someone to talk to and offer practical advice

I would call in sick, see your GP and get signed off work. Your mental health is important and you need to heal

Keep yourself safe OP. Please please don’t think that drinking to forget will help you, or anything reckless to try to feel better. This pain feels very intense now, but you will heal and you are strong x

The same thing happened to meat the start of this year OP. I'm so sorry 💖

I didn't report because I didn't actually say no, apart from at the very beginning. Once i was naked everything went totally wrong. Just disappeared off into my own head, I know what it was though. I didn't report it just because I am certain I won't be believed.
I can't really offer advice but I just want you to know you are not alone and I absolutely believe you and I hope he burns in hell.

God I sound so pathetic.

Not at all, you're hurting physically,emotionally and mentally.

If he is based in north Wales then please pm me turbo xxx

You still need to report it. Even if he isnt prosecuted now, another woman may also report him (or they have in the past) and that will back up any future cases against him

She doesn't need to do anything minting. Unless you've been in this situation you have no right to say these things