What happened here? (*possibly triggering)

[Turbotastic]

Ok, not really sure where to start. I've namechanged because I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of myself and don't want to talk to anyone in RL about it because I'm worried that people will judge me. But I need to talk to someone because I'm really struggling with what happened and I need to get it out.

Recently joined a famous dating site as I had been dumped and my self esteem was at an all time low. Not really looking for dates or even sex mainly just company and someone to talk to.

Started speaking to a guy who invited me over to watch a movie. I was worried that he was thinking of it as a booty call and I would come over for sex, which I didn't want. I said this, and that I would meet the next day in the daytime instead. He rang me, we spoke on the phone and he assured me that wasn't the case, we were just going to chat and watch a movie, get to know one another and so on. He offered to sleep on the sofa if it got too late, etc etc. So I went over.

We start out watching the film and everything was fine but then he started kissing me and trying to initiate sex. I was a little bit annoyed considering his previous assurances but eventually I started getting into it. We start having sex, I asked him to wear a condom which he did but then he got behind me and I strongly suspect he took it off.

Then over the course of the evening he:

Held me down
Fisted me
Used a dildo on me (which he hid from sight until it was happening - I suspect this was partly because he was losing his erection and wanted to continue)
Attempted anal multiple times - with fingers and penis
Slapped me
Spat on me
Called me horrible degrading names like 'dirty cunt'

None of the above he had consent for, in fact virtually all of it he asked for and I said no (with the exception of the dildo), I tried to move away and told him to stop. Anal was the only thing he didn't quite manage but he said it WAS going to happen at some point. I waited until he fell asleep and got the fuck out of there.

Im still in pain almost a week later and I have bruises. Wtf happened here?! Other than the fact that I'm a colossal idiot who makes stupid decisions and takes ridiculous risks because I seek validation from others to make myself feel better and have sex when what I really want and need is someone to love me.

Was this what I think it was? Or should I just chalk it up to a bad experience?

OP just for info, I am a therapist who volunteers at a Rape Crisis centre. I don’t know where you are, and different centres offer different services, but they usually offer immediate helpline support and advice, advocacy or can refer you to an advocate if you need one. They also all offer confidential counselling (which is what I do there) to survivors of sexual assault with therapists who have received specialist training. No one there will pressurise you to report.

He raped you!! How awful and traumatic for you I'm so sorry OP

Report him to the police

@Turbotastic
Hope you got through the weekend. Look after yourself.

Hi I hope you're okay, I understand as something similar happened to me a couple of years ago, the man beat me and covered me in bruises, pinned me down (he was over a foot taller then me) and tried to anally rape me and then stole an item of jewellery from me after I asked him to leave. I reported it to Merseyside police, who took over a month to come and see me, and then a female officer told me it was my own fault for talking about sex before I met him and they did nothing. I still feel incredibly ashamed and humiliated that I let this happen to me, there was no help offered to me at the time and now I'm angry at the way the police treated me as well as the man.

@Mimithemouse
I am so sorry that happened to you. That’s so hard. I hope you are ok.

@Mimithemouse** i hope you are ok 💐

Thank you @RickOShay and yeah I'm fine, @madmumofteens, just horrible reading about these men.

I hope you are* @Turbotastic and getting support and yes you're right Mimi* too many 💐

Sorry should say hope you are ok Turbo 💐

Just a quick update.

I did go for the STI check up and it came back all clear (thank god). I have to go back in a few weeks to have a re test as they want to be absolutely sure but I told the lady who was doing my test what happened and she couldn't have been nicer and more helpful.

Turns out she is actually one of the volunteers for the rape crisis in my area and she gave me lots of helpful info so I'll probably be seeing her again.

Thank you for all your support x

Hope your doing okay Turbo 💐**

Hope you're ok

Did you think about reporting?

went through something similar a guy i had seen a couple times asked him did he love me? ie a very naive 16 years old having just got over my dads friend grooming and raping me he said yes ill show you i ended up pregnant but lost my baby you were raped and what he did to you was degrading dangerous and disgusting sorry for all the d words.
if you make a date always tell someone what you are doing and meet somewhere like a cafe so you have lots of people around dont even think about going to someones house they tell you all the bullshit but it is dangerous let quite a few dates pass until you agree to going home with him
its up to you re the Police but do ring rape crisis and get a drs apt tell them its urgent and you need an apt asap
sending you love and hugs

So many losers out there trying to enact porn scenes on real, live women. Fucking porn has a lot to answer for, and the first generation to grow up with it on their phones are growing into men. I’m scared for us.