What happened here? (*possibly triggering)

[Turbotastic]

Ok, not really sure where to start. I've namechanged because I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of myself and don't want to talk to anyone in RL about it because I'm worried that people will judge me. But I need to talk to someone because I'm really struggling with what happened and I need to get it out.

Recently joined a famous dating site as I had been dumped and my self esteem was at an all time low. Not really looking for dates or even sex mainly just company and someone to talk to.

Started speaking to a guy who invited me over to watch a movie. I was worried that he was thinking of it as a booty call and I would come over for sex, which I didn't want. I said this, and that I would meet the next day in the daytime instead. He rang me, we spoke on the phone and he assured me that wasn't the case, we were just going to chat and watch a movie, get to know one another and so on. He offered to sleep on the sofa if it got too late, etc etc. So I went over.

We start out watching the film and everything was fine but then he started kissing me and trying to initiate sex. I was a little bit annoyed considering his previous assurances but eventually I started getting into it. We start having sex, I asked him to wear a condom which he did but then he got behind me and I strongly suspect he took it off.

Then over the course of the evening he:

Held me down
Fisted me
Used a dildo on me (which he hid from sight until it was happening - I suspect this was partly because he was losing his erection and wanted to continue)
Attempted anal multiple times - with fingers and penis
Slapped me
Spat on me
Called me horrible degrading names like 'dirty cunt'

None of the above he had consent for, in fact virtually all of it he asked for and I said no (with the exception of the dildo), I tried to move away and told him to stop. Anal was the only thing he didn't quite manage but he said it WAS going to happen at some point. I waited until he fell asleep and got the fuck out of there.

Im still in pain almost a week later and I have bruises. Wtf happened here?! Other than the fact that I'm a colossal idiot who makes stupid decisions and takes ridiculous risks because I seek validation from others to make myself feel better and have sex when what I really want and need is someone to love me.

Was this what I think it was? Or should I just chalk it up to a bad experience?

OP, I’m so angry. First that this happened to you, and second that there are some people on here who have made you feel that it was your fault. It was absolutely not your fault. Not in any way. That man was fucking evil, and he raped you and hurt you. It is all his fault.

I understand if you don’t feel strong enough to report, but please if you can, ring Rape Crisis or go to your local SARC. You need support. This is not your fault.

Echo the poster above who says report him to the website.

Op this was horrific just to read.

I am so sorry this has happened to know, it was NOT your fault so please do not blame yourself.

You were violently raped and sexually assaulted. Please report this vile excuse for a man.

OP I’m so sorry. If you look up SARC you can go and get treatment without having to report it to police. They can treat physical injuries and conduct relevant STI testing. They can also signpost you to counselling if they don’t run it themselves ( which they may do) They can however take evidential swabs and photos of any injuries in case you change your mind at a later date about reporting it to police - it allows you to keep your options open. Do you have any clothing that you wore at the time? If it’s not been washed it may have really vital physical evidence in it. It can go in a clean bag and in a freezer if you want to have a think about things.

I think it's quite cruel to keep pushing the OP to report, 'just report it' is so easy to say but much harder for someone who has been through the trauma of rape to actually do. Especially when they have been let down by the system. Not to mention the shockingly low conviction rates for rapists and the appalling way many victims of rape a treated by the police. A friend of mine was recently violently sexually assaulted, all caught on CCTV and the guy got a few hours of community service. I've been raped on more than one occasion and have never reported it, I couldn't cope. She is here for support not to be lectured.

Look after yourself OP, once you've been tested for STIs it might be worth seeing if you can afford some therapy to help you make sense of everything, it sounds like you've had a really hard time and need support to get through it, and friends don't cut it with things like this.

Even if it is his friends address, police can still investigate! Simply needs them knocking round there!

No one worth taking notice of is blaming you. Society, unfortunately, is misogynist and women are often blamed when they are victims of crime.

There was a report today on how a police force put up a post on Facebook advising women that they needed chaperones if they were 'going to the shops' at night. I won't even begin on what I think of that, but that is just an example of the work still needed in order to stop blaming women for the crimes of men.

That man knew what he was doing, he probably sensed your vulnerability (like a shark sensing blood) and he is 100% responsible for attacking you. No one else, no matter what the misogynists say.

You're not responsible but you need to seek help for physical and emotional reasons. Professionals won't blame you. Some of those who work in rape crisis have been attacked themselves, they know what you are going through and they won't judge you.

Please get some help.

Completely agree with @noclue.

The OP should do what she is comfortable with and it is her perogative. STI check is essential but the reporting is down to OP.

Sorry this happened to you, OP.

You don't have to report, and I wish people would stop telling you to.

Rape Crisis should be able to give you some support.

I'm so, so sorry this has happened to you but you were raped and sexually assaulted in many different ways.
It's still not to late to go to the police if you want to do that.
I would to stop it happening to others and so the dating site can remove him but that's your choice and you shouldn't feel pressured.
STI check ASAP , call rape crisis and they can help you with counselling.
You may need medical treatment for internal injuries if you are still in pain.
Sending big hugs

Also agree, you have the option to report but you don’t have to if you don’t want to

But you do need real life support in some shape or form
You are now at risk of self destructive behaviour now you feel so low and ashamed of yourself - you need support to see this wasn’t your fault, and that you didn’t deserve this

Jesus, yes, this is clear cut rape. He asked, you said no, he did it anyway.

Rape Crisis can be really helpful to talk to, and won't pressure you to report if you don't want to. Equally, if you do want to report they can provide excellent support ime.

You haven’t been stupid. You checked and checked with him multiple times and made it really clear no sex. Then you felt cornered into giving in, and when he violated you.

I keep posting because I do really want to help you, I think you need some kind words. Please don’t let idiots on here put you off coming back

Menora - A man trapped me in a car when I was a similar age. Did this happen to you in South London by any chance (and being driven to somewhere south of there)?

Awful to think there are so many similar stories. OP - you aren't alone, and Rape Crisis won't judge you, please access some support.

I don't have any advice other than please please be kind to yourself. No one ever deserves this, you could have turned up naked to this mans house and he still had no right to do anything to you without your consent. You are not stupid at all, do not think that. Is there anyone you could tell or talk to? Your mum? A close friend?

You poor poor woman. Massive hugs and so much love to you.
OMG as for taking a risk, we all take risks at times, but no one deserves to be viciously assaulted. You are not a slut, in any way shape or form. Do not allow yourself to degrade yourself, he has done this to you, don't allow him take your self respect too. He has done this before, that much I can say without a doubt.

I would report simply because he is a raping bastard and he will do it again to other women. I know at the minute that is not high on your agenda and you need to protect yourself, and God I get that, truly I do, but I have a feeling he preys on vulnerable woman and takes advantage of them in the most awful manner.

Could you talk to someone in a Rape Crisis centre, get your bruises documented and statement taken and then take time to breathe and see where you want this to go. The police may already have him on their radar and you may be the final nail in his coffin.

You could have been killed but you kept your wits about you and got yourself free of a very dangerous situation, be proud of yourself for that. You survived a prolonged assault both physical and sexual. You so have the strength to nail this scumbag. If you wont report it go for counselling so you can talk it over with someone trained to listen.

Whatever you do, be KIND to yourself please and keep talking to us on here..

I'm so sorry for what happened to you.

Don't worry about being strong enough or having enough info for reporting. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Your main priority is you.

Please consider contacting rape crisis or women's aid though to help you process and deal with what happened. Counselling might help too, not just with the rape but your self worth, the risk taking behaviour, needing love and attention etc.

I've been there for years and sometimes I still wonder how I made it out alive. You deserve better.

Look after yourself, put yourself and your needs first .

Yes @Menora that's exactly it. He could tell I wasn't up for it so he phoned me and put on his 'nice guy' voice to convince me to come over. Said all the right things. I was stupid to believe it though.

He woke up as I was getting dressed and leaving - I got scared at that point as I thought he might not let me leave because he hadn't yet managed the anal he assured me was coming. So I tried to just be casual and breezy and just said I hadn't slept and had a headache. He said something to the effect of 'but you were ok with it (meaning the sex) weren't you?', to which I of course answered yes. The fact that he asked makes me think he knows what he did wasn't ok and what he was really asking was 'I'm not going to get done for this, am I?'. The first guy who raped me did exactly the same thing.

You need to report it to the Police. If not for yourself, but the next woman or women that will walk through his door just like you did.

You can give a lot more detail than you're giving yourself credit for (understandably), like his address, a description, the site where you met etc. And deleted messages from your phone may able to be retrieved.

You can't let him get away with it. He may go on to do far worse...........

I'm just so sorry. I understand what you went through, and also why you dont want to report it.

You deserve to be safe. You didnt deserve to have these terrible crimes committed against you. So so sorry. Sending you completely ineffective but utterly sincere love x

It's not OP's fault or responsibility if he goes on to do it again. The full responsibility lies with the rapist.

Can we please stop with this blaming,pressuring bullshit that helps no one, least of all the victim? Especially if you haven't been through the gruelling process of reporting or being in court. OP has, she knows what she can deal with and what she can't. You're just forcing your views and opinions of what she should do on her. She's been forced to do enough things against her will.

OP has enough to deal with without everyone jumping down her throat and making her assume responsibility for his future actions.

@Turbotastic for every other female that has not spoken up about this before.... please go to the police. I still regret not reporting it over 12 years later.

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

He was from Tottenham but I live outside London, so I didn’t have to see him again. On reflection he was prowling and I was vulnerable. He was Turkish

I reported the first guy because he had a 'script' and I know he's done it to at least one another women but was fortunately unsuccessful. I did to prevent him doing it again. In return I had a policewoman shouting at me down the phone telling me to tell the truth and making me cry because someone else got a minor detail (my address) wrong on the paperwork. Among other things.

I don't think I can do it again, especially since me reporting was all for nothing in the end.