What happened here? (*possibly triggering)

[Turbotastic]

Ok, not really sure where to start. I've namechanged because I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of myself and don't want to talk to anyone in RL about it because I'm worried that people will judge me. But I need to talk to someone because I'm really struggling with what happened and I need to get it out.

Recently joined a famous dating site as I had been dumped and my self esteem was at an all time low. Not really looking for dates or even sex mainly just company and someone to talk to.

Started speaking to a guy who invited me over to watch a movie. I was worried that he was thinking of it as a booty call and I would come over for sex, which I didn't want. I said this, and that I would meet the next day in the daytime instead. He rang me, we spoke on the phone and he assured me that wasn't the case, we were just going to chat and watch a movie, get to know one another and so on. He offered to sleep on the sofa if it got too late, etc etc. So I went over.

We start out watching the film and everything was fine but then he started kissing me and trying to initiate sex. I was a little bit annoyed considering his previous assurances but eventually I started getting into it. We start having sex, I asked him to wear a condom which he did but then he got behind me and I strongly suspect he took it off.

Then over the course of the evening he:

Held me down
Fisted me
Used a dildo on me (which he hid from sight until it was happening - I suspect this was partly because he was losing his erection and wanted to continue)
Attempted anal multiple times - with fingers and penis
Slapped me
Spat on me
Called me horrible degrading names like 'dirty cunt'

None of the above he had consent for, in fact virtually all of it he asked for and I said no (with the exception of the dildo), I tried to move away and told him to stop. Anal was the only thing he didn't quite manage but he said it WAS going to happen at some point. I waited until he fell asleep and got the fuck out of there.

Im still in pain almost a week later and I have bruises. Wtf happened here?! Other than the fact that I'm a colossal idiot who makes stupid decisions and takes ridiculous risks because I seek validation from others to make myself feel better and have sex when what I really want and need is someone to love me.

Was this what I think it was? Or should I just chalk it up to a bad experience?

How are you today @Turbotastic ?
I hope you are doing ok

I think it’s fine for people to give advice to a certain degree, but when OP has repeatedly given the reasons why she isn’t going to report - and that it is related to a previous traumatic experience then that should be enough to stop saying it. I don’t think people read all the responses though

Hi Turbotastic just checking in today. I hope you are feeling a bit better today. I have been thinking about you alot and wishing I could help you. Be kind to yourself please. Sending you love.

@menora @category12 I 100% agree. This lady needs supporting and she has every right to react to her situation how ever she chooses to.

I'm so sorry OP, what an awful man and horrific experience. I know you don't want to report but I'd go to see your GP as you are still in pain. They will be confidential.

Please, please, please do not blame yourself - it was all down to him and nobody else. To those who are insisting it should be reported, it is entirely up to Turbo - having worked at a Rape Crisis Centre for several years, I totally get how hard it is to go through the rape time and time again with no guaranteed outcome. A lot of women find the police investigation as terrible as the rape itself.

Turbo - please get in touch with a Centre - they will help you on every level and be there for you every step of way to your recovery - take care xxx

Thank you so much for your kind works.

I still feel awful but I told a coworker because I felt it only fair to let him know why I was so 'off'. We haven't talked about it as I don't really want to but I do feel a teeny bit better than another person in RL knows and they will hopefully be understanding if I'm not performing as well at work.

I am going to talk to rape crisis. I think I need to, I never did after the first time. Definitely going to look into some sort of counselling/therapy too, I've needed to for a long time.

I'm off at the weekend and I need to think of something to do to fill my time so I don't just sit in bed and dwell on things but all my friends are busy and I'm nowhere near my family. I both want company and want to be totally alone, it's very odd. Think I need to be busy but by myself.

It's does help to know that I'm not alone x

Oh Turbo so glad to hear that you have told your co-working and are going to seek support and counselling. Take good care and be gentle to yourself 💐 xx

You are a borderline sex addict who is ashamed of yourself???? PLEASE DON'T THINK THAT. God girl we have ALL slept around after getting our hearts broken. It doesn't make you a bad person (but it can deffo make people with broken hearts feel worse). You did not ask for this vile disgusting behaviour. Please please see this situation for what it is... I have had one night stands with lots of guys and none behaved like this. You were terribly unlucky, he is an animal, fuck him, this was awful luck NOT SOMETHING YOU INVITED OR DESERVE. I really hope you are ok. Big hugs xxxxxx

What a disgusting human he is.
I felt sick for you reading that.

This is not your fault, none of it, it's ALL on him! I have no experience personally of rape, but I hope you get the help you need to deal with this

Well I will be around this weekend if you do want to talk on the thread or PM. You aren’t alone

I was so shocked reading this and absolutely feel for you, you poor thing, he is an evil predator and I bet your not his first victim, as others have said this is all on him not you and therapy has to be a good option and may help deal with both events.

I can perfectly see why you are hesitating going to the authorities but the thought of him getting away with this as well as whatever else the scumbag has done is making my blood boil.

Please take the time to come to whatever decision is right for you and try to not let him win by affecting you in the future.

If its of any consequence I happen to be male.

That was a courageous thing to do.
Don’t internalise what happened, it’s nothing about you at all. I hope you get through the weekend ok, and that Rape crisis are helpful. Above all be kind to yourself.

I've not read all the posts here.... If you are not going to report him to the police perhaps report him to the dating website? He sounds like a dangerous man.
It was quite a shocking post to read. I hope you recover from it x

I'm having a bad day today. Really finding it hard to be normal and friendly to customers and coworkers. Can't concentrate. Keep zoning out and staring off into space.

Just want to hide in my room where it's safe and not talk to anyone, which is difficult when I have to go to work and function alongside other people.

Sorry to hear that.

Have you managed to speak to Rape Crisis?

@Turbotastic
I’m so sorry you are going through this, can you hide over the weekend? Have you managed to speak to anyone in RL?
Be patient and kind to yourself.

Hope you are finding some peace.

Wishing you strength and all the good things.

I hope you are ok Turbo and taking care of yourself x

@category12 maybe, but then when someone close to you is raped and murdered, and other victims come forward saying they were raped but never reported, you may view it differently. Especially when you are told that person could have been locked up earlier

It's not on the victims to have to put themselves through more trauma. The conviction rate, hell the prosecution rate, is appalling low for rape and related crimes. OP needs to do what is right for her, whatever that may be. The fault and the responsibility lies solely with the rapist. No-one else.

Especially when you are told that person could have been locked up earlier

Reporting rape does not mean that the rapist will be locked up. In the vast, vast majority of cases it means that the rapist walks free, and in most cases it never even gets as far as prosecution or trial. In all of those cases (>90% I believe) the victim is retraumatised for no benefit at all.

The system is at fault, not the victims who realise how much the system is stacked against them and make the hard decision to prioritise their own recovery and mental health.

I'm one of the 'lucky' ones in that I testified against my rapist, and he was found guilty. I am certain there were victims before me who didn't report, but I don't blame them in the slightest. They didn't rape me, he did.

I know exactly how hard it is to go through the whole legal process, and I wouldn't dream of blaming any woman for deciding that they couldn't face it.

@mintich if that has happened to someone close you, I am so sorry for you, that is just horrific. But it isn't the victim's fault if a rapist chooses to rape. The blame lies solely with the rapist. Like PPs have said there is a horrifying low conviction rate for rape trials. It is 100% up to the victim whether they want to go through months if not years of further trauma to try and get a conviction. The main thing people should be worrying about is what is most helpful for their recovery. For a lot of people that means choosing to move forward from the event.

OP I hope you aren't taking on the guilt that a lot of posters are trying to place on you. You are entirely blameless in this whole situation, my heart goes out to you.

I hope that speaking with Rape Crises really helps.

My heart goes out to you 💕

I just struggle with knowing there really are so many nasty men out there and they do get away with it because even talking about it is just further trauma.