Dating Thread 175 - It's not you, it's them. Also: people are weird at Christmas time.

[MoreNiceCereal]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

It's kind of shocking when you write it down. I wish I had at the time because I've unremembered so much.

How are there so many of them? That's what worries me.

I think it’s always happened and now we have technology to connect with more women and it’s more out in the open we can teach our sons not to do it and our daughters not to accept it (I think it prob happens the other way round and in same sex couples to). I don’t know if it all stems back to men being the sole providers and women just having to be grateful. I was the main earner and paid for a lot of things like holidays and I think if I hadn’t been it would have been a lot worse.

We live in an abusive society. It's utterly normalised, romanticised, even. Just look at things like the Twilight books/movies. Abusive, controlling, stalkery behaviour painted as romance. Disney movies are terrible for it, too. Kids are trained from infancy to accept abuse as love. (I do research into this topic for work)

Ok. Talk me through the rules. Why should i not msg Mr Fast Work? Need a good reason because I want to talk to him.... esp as I a)want to find out what we're doing on our date next sat and b)want to start gently hinting at the fact I have the house to myself that night.... or should I be keeping that info to myself ? I don't want this to just be FWB...

I see abuse and control and entitlement in ‘romantic’ relationships everywhere I’m afraid, so much so I snort at the concept of romantic love. Love to me now is what I have always felt for my DDs and my dogs, and what I’ve come to feel now for my DF💕. I do however see kindness and acceptance and encouragement in some long-term relationships. These are very, very special.

Remind me nomore, why are you holding back from messaging?

I say, if you can apply 3 & 4 while still following 8, just message him. I would tell people I am chatty and like messaging, and see how they respond. I don't ever get demanding, or ask whhyyyyy they don't message back, I just keep things light and fun.

If you want to message him then do it!

If you want to have a relationship with him, well I have no decent advice there because I have no idea what I'm doing.

I don’t hold by the rule of who has messaged last etc and don’t send more messages in a row. I just wouldn’t ask the same question more than once or send more Than 2 or 3 messages without them responding. So if they say they were doing x today and i said have fun then I’d mesage again later in the day and ask how it went but I wouldn’t message again if they didn’t answer that question.

And if they mesage you and you see It don’t wait to reply I think that’s daft.

I tend to go by the rule ‘if you’ve got something to say then say it’

Omg that eating like a pig comment brought back a memory of my ex telling me I chew really noisily and it was disgusting and he didn't want to eat near me! Nobody else has ever said that to me and I even asked my sister if I do chew noisily and she said no!

This is good because I'm very hungover today and made the mistake of looking back through past pics and spent half an hour crying at the pics of ex with dc. I'm much better off thinking of the bad memories!

Another one - at the beginning of our relationship I remember him telling me I was getting fat and that soon I'd be bigger than him. I've never been bigger than a size 10 so that was ludicrous but it stayed with me. Over the years I got thinner and he got fatter and I reminded him of his comment and he denied ever saying it. I also got ill at one point and was worryingly thin and he would compliment me and encourage me to stay that size.

These are just random memories that are coming to me now. There was also sustained systematic long term emotional abuse on a daily basis. Why I've just cried over pics of him God only knows!!!

Omg that eating like a pig comment brought back a memory of my ex telling me I chew really noisily and it was disgusting and he didn't want to eat near me

Yes same words 😔. Now I’m paranoid and I wouldn’t eat on a date or with someone I don’t know

Stbx wasn't abusive. Just very depressed and anxious which had its own effect on my MH. I can't imagine how much you all must have been affected by this deliberately controlling behaviour.

Right. I've messaged him. Ack. Just asked how something he was getting done to the car today went. Very dull opener.

Hi all, just trying to catch up.

💐to all who have been in such horrible relationships. The fact that we are all here in the OLD thread is fantastic- we got out of them! I'd rather be dealing with the shit from OLD where I can just block and unmatch! My ex hid lots of things from me, debt etc, and I also suspect he tapped my phone and hacked my email. Lots of threats and emotional abuse. I tend not to think much about it, I am just so glad to be away from him.

Still a bit sad, mainly about losing my friendship. But today is a little better. Tbh I think again I just have to go down the route of blocking it out and moving on. I don't want to think about him. When I was younger I used to write poetry, had some published, and this is the sort of thing I would write about 😂 tragic really. But I just can't do it anymore- it'd finish me 😂 I don't want to obsess over it- I just want to move on.

I feel like I'm also repulsing men at the moment. 155 tinder matches and not one if them wants to go for a bloody drink 😂

Work colleague is being very flirty and sexual now. Ok I've turned into Bridget fully. Work colleague shall now be known as Mr Cleaver.

Ha ha that’s brilliant time! Love Hugh Grant as Daniel Cleaver. Love Colin Firth more though 🥰. Emotional disaster mind you.

TimetravellingDiamond - I'm not sure poetry writing is obsessing about it tbh. I think it's more processing... i wrote lots of poetry to help me deak with the ultimate breakdown of my relationship and it helped to relieve the toxic build up of emotions I was feeling. If it might help then do it but if you're able to mive forwards then that is absolutely the right thing to do x

Ps - Saturday evening in addition to Subday afternoon

@TigerDater they are both fabulous in that film. If I were Bridget I wouldn't go for either of them though tbh! But then my taste in men is rather different 😂

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking obsessing was the wrong way to put it- I think I meant if I started writing it myself I would be obsessing over him more- maybe I'm being unkind to myself as I don't think I've necessarily dealt with it unhealthily. I can't help how I feel about him I suppose and my replies to him were completely dignified. But I'm surprised at how hard I've found it, when I was expecting it. I've cried a fair bit every day, which isn't like me, well not like me since my separation, who in many ways is pretty tough on the exterior. Maybe it's everything coming out.

I do wonder if he knew all along how I felt. Maybe, maybe not.

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking that's fabulous btw- glad Saturday is an addition!

Better out than in. It's ok to cry and be vulnerable. It's hard to lose someone you care about.

I don't think I realised how much I did care about him. I knew I liked him but maybe not to this extent. I don't know if I regret it because it was so lovely having in my life in some way and we had some fantastic nights together. I just wish it could have lasted longer.

It's another learning curve too. If I find in the future I am getting feelings for someone and they don't feel the same, I'm ending it immediately.

I think that's a wise choice, Time. Know your worth - you deserve to be with someone whose feelings match your own.