Dating Thread 175 - It's not you, it's them. Also: people are weird at Christmas time.

[MoreNiceCereal]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I'm not in a bad position either! I've got a string of younger men who would happily shag me but I'm choosing not to. That puts me in a good position. Though I might change my mind and shag one. Or two. You need to start from a position of confidence and self worth or it will just make everything worse.

I just mean that so few of them want anything other than a shag. It's fine if that's what both people want but it's very hard to find the ones who want anymore.

I'm determined to not get sucked into settling for it too because I do feel I deserve more.

What age range are you going for? I think this is more likely in 20’s and early 30’s to be honest

Age range set from 22-38. I tend to get on better with younger guys tbh.

timetravelling my ex was horrendously abusive. I think that’s maybe why I gravitated to Mr Big. I know he doesn’t want any more than we have and whilst at times I have got overly attached it’s still quite superficial. If it ends tomorrow I will be upset but not devastated. I have been OLD for nearly a year and I have met a few guys who liked me and I have massively pulled back. I want a proper relationship but am terrified of getting truly involved and opening myself up to shit again. FWB is kind of safe because I KNOW it’s not going anywhere (even though at times I have hoped it would)

To anyone who has been in an abusive relationship. Please consider The Freedom Programme. It’s free, brilliant and actually a good laugh with super strong independent cool women (and men) who realise they have been through shit that was not their fault

And yes old is inundated with people who just want a shag/ ego boost/ wank fodder.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 I can identity with so much of that. Especially wanting a proper relationship but being too scared of the same thing happening again. I did start the freedom programme but had to pull out because I started a new job around that time and was going through so much that something had to give, and unfortunately it was that.

I get that timetravelling it’s hard when you have kids/ work/ social life as well. My course has 1 week to go and honestly it’s been amazing. I feel better about myself and even though I am still involved with my FWB I can very clearly see what it is now and I can see what I get from it. I don’t know how long you have been on thread (so many name changers in my 2 month break) but I was besotted by my FWB through spring and summer. Freedom Programme has made me realise that I am using him as a crutch and actually with a logical head I don’t want or need him but for the minute he fills a hole for me

Ha that sounds rude ( innuendo bingo anyone)

But he does 😂

@Marlboroandmalbec34 I'm so glad the freedom programme has been good for you. I've seen people on here mention the online version of it and I was going to look into it at some point. I think it would be fascinating the things I may learn about myself doing it.

I've figured out a lot by myself this past year. I was so vulnerable and desperate for some fun when I got out of my marriage and I definitely was using the neighbour as a crutch. I was infatuated with him and was just desperate for it to go somewhere, when I knew very little about him. Looking back at it now I was just all over the place and wouldn't handle it the same way.

I've been on probably 15 dates since beginning OLD? And have only met a couple that I have liked. I'm not desperate to be in a relationship so I'm not going to settle.

With FWB, it was a spark when we first met. Over the first month when we were initially seeing eachother, I grew to like him because of the connection, the chats, the sex. When he ended it I was a bit sad. But went back on tinder.

When he got back in touch we just got to know eachother more and more with all the messaging and the sex was amazing. I still felt that undefinable spark but I also saw more and more of him as a person, his quirks etc. And I just enjoyed being around him- his energy. So I'm not sure with him- I don't think he was a crutch in the way the neighbour was? I think he was one of the few people I will meet in my life who actually make me feel that way. But it wasn't to be, it is just how it is and it's sad but I'll get over him. At some point 😉😂

I held out. After 32 hours since the last exchange Mr Fast Work got in touch. He was checking I'd got to my parents' ok. So bonus points for:

• getting in touch (eventually)
• remembering where and and when i was going (and that I was going somewhere)
• checking I'd got there OK.(considerate)

Perhaps he feels he needs a reason to msg me...?

He also said he was now free next sat evening and would i like to see him then. We already had plans for Sun afternoon and I can't work out if this is instead of or in addition to.... but a Sat evening is an upgrade, right?

Anyway. Am now all over the shop and my mum is going to smell a rat soon so I've gone to bed!

With the sex thing I don’t think you guarantee it but you have the discussion of being in the situation to go back to someone’s house etc. Nothing is ever guaranteed and consent at every point is still needed 🤷🏼‍♀️.

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking. A sat night is defo an upgrade of a Sunday 👌.

And Saturday night can easily lead into a Sunday date as well!

I'm so excited, Mr G has booked his tickets, he's here only for a few days but I'm seeing him in 3 weeks! Happy Christmas to me.

Woo Cereal! I'm so happy for you.

For everyone else scared of putting their heart on the line again I've been listening to this song a lot lately...

marlbs have you been seeing mr big a year now?? It feels like its around that long. You know what I think sometimes you have to work them out of your system.

I'm off OLD. It's been a bumpy journey, almost 2 years! 1 thing with a headfucker on and off for a year but mainly a 4ish month period. An absolute arsehole with a gf who then online stalked me and sent harassing messages and more. Plenty nice guys I just didnt feel a connection with. One man I'd love to have had more with but he lives hundreds of miles away. The ethical monogomist whose house I ran out of at 2am bevause he reminded me too much of my ex. The great man I ditched for the headfucker. The exciting but unhinged sailor. And I still have no clue what I want. That said, someone I was talking to way back but who I didnt get round to meeting turned up in my whatsapp after he apparently lost all his contacts. We got chatting and met the other night and.I liked him. In a funny low key way, not fizzing instany chemistry. Hes funny, measured. It's interesting. Usual caveats with baggage, his kids, situation with ex. Itll probably be an issue....what isn't? Weve said we will see each other again but not organised when yet. Also the first date I've been on in a while where I didnt drink and take them home. If this one goes nowhere I plan on being single a while which was my plan before he rocked up.

*ethical non-monogomist

@supercali77 fingers crossed. I used to read this thread and not understand how people could be jaded with OLD as it was exciting. And fun. I'm with you now. I'm getting to the end of doing it. I've been on one date just after I split with Mr U and in the subsequent 2 months I've messaged dozens, must have matched with over 100. No one I can be bothered to meet. Anyway hoping he turns out good. I've never had instant chemistry before.

@NoMoreWeepingAndWanking it's not that I'm scared to open up to someone. I just don't know how. Over 15 years in an abusive relationship you come to expect nothing and become too shut down to offer anything. If it was only fear that would be much easier.

Hey @Marlboroandmalbec34 I can't believe you're still with Mr Big. Although I can. He's safe I guess as you were always ambivalent. I bought the freedom programme book last night after reading your post. I don't feel I have the right to go on the course as ex was only emotionally abusive. And it's been over 2 years since he went so I've buried most of it as what's the point? (Head made of a nut)

Hahaha @supercali77 I've done the leaving at 2 am thing too. Twice. I couldn't bear sleeping next to them. Even though we'd had sex.. it's not funny really it's horrible for all concerned. I had a panic attack both times, hopped out of bed and fled.

unambiguous I’m not really qualified as my XH was just a pillock, not abusive, but even I can see there’s no such thing as ‘only emotionally abusive’. Abuse is abuse, and as you’ve highlighted, it has enduring effects. I hope the freedom programme works for you, it sounds like it might.

supercali I have my fingers crossed there will be something there for you.

I’m off OLD now as well, can’t see myself going back on. I’m still seeing Mr Greedy one or two nights a week, 10 months down the line he still holds me so tight all night long and that I think is all I need.

And do you know what's terrible. I just realised that every time I think about my abusive ex I question whether he was abusive and think it was partly my fault. Still. I'm thinking about it this morning and my head says, oh yeah he said it was me that made him cross so he wasn't abusive. He fucking was. All I Did was cook all his meals, do his washing, clean his house and sometimes question his decisions or way of doing things. God help me. Shit I need therapy. Sorry I'm going to go and write this down elsewhere. Fucker.

@TigerDater that is all I need. A mr greedy. In fact that sounds like my relationship with Mr U. It's enough sometimes.

Yes, keep a journal and write it all down. Just the process of writing is cathartic. Like the process of crying. It lets it out.

unambiguous Give the freedom programme a try. I thought I was a fraud as was mostly emotional abuse and I doubted myself but everyone there said they same. I also expected it to be a room of timid, shrunken women and it’s not. It’s a kick ass group of strong, professional women and we have a great laugh. Book / online is good but the free group course is brilliant. I feel it’s returning me to myself. There are people on their who left there ex 20 yrs ago but are dealing with something new and need to talk about it. I won’t preach anymore but it’s excellent!!

supercali unambiguous yep coming on for a year. How mad is that. He was my first tinder match and post split date and shag! He’s an emotionally unavailable player but he has also supported me through divorce and 2 court cases. Provided a shoulder, advice and shagging. On the whole he makes me feel good but I have mostly been ambivalent and the more I get to know him the less I want a relationship with him. If we had exclusively dated we wouldn’t have lasted 3 months.

OLD is crap for me at the moment. Have a few chats but if I was naming them they would probably be Mr Boring and Mr Dull so I should probs throw them back.