Big row on DH's birthday

[JessWakefield86]

Today is DH's birthday. I'd gone to a lot of effort to make it special for him - arranged an activity he loved for last weekend, and then planned on doing a family present-opening session before work today.

It was awful. He came downstairs very late, leaving no time to open all the stuff the DCs had been excited to give him. The presents he did open - from me - he openly sneered at. Said it wasn't what he wanted and I should've known better. He then shouted at me for "creating an argument" when I got upset, and slammed out of the house without saying goodbye, leaving two upset kids for me to try and get to school.

I'd booked this afternoon off work, to bake him a cake for when he gets home. And I've booked a babysitter so we can go out later. But frankly I'm wondering why I bother. I feel so sad, and the children were crushed.

Don't know what to do next.

OP, read Veterinari's post again. Does this describe your DH's behaviour?

I don’t see that people on this thread have been cruel to you Op, the overwhelming message is people feel terrible for you, living with this man. It must be exhausting being in a state of anxiety about his moods and anticipating his displeasure. It’s now also horrible for your kids as his behaviour has upset them too. Kind men don’t behave like this. I can’t believe he allowed you to apologise. This isn’t normal and it’s time to gather strength for the sake of you and the children and stop it.

I agree with AF. Contempt is the killer in any relationship.

I know this is a lot to take on biard @JessWakefield86
Please look beyond the sarky posts. There’s plenty of support too.

Take some time to think about his behaviour and your responses to it - is it really what you want to model for your children? Look at the sequence of events:

You and kids make an effort for his birthday with gifts and cake
He has a tantrum, shouts and storms out (because his gift isn’t perfect) leaving kids upset.
You take the blame, apologise

Surely you can see how unreasonable and toxic that example is? Basically the ‘big man’ gets to act with impunity and treat those around him with contempt and rudeness. The woman is the peacemaker, facilitator and verbal punching bag.

Are those really the roles you want to model for your children?

AF has got it spit on. He engineered yesterday's argument. His behaviour will have crept up slowly but now it's in the open. Take your time to think about what you want for your DC and yourself.

Take the kids out for cake and your mum and the kids to the cinema this evening. Glad you are going to think about what to do in the long term because you did not deserve the way he treated you today. You did a really lovely thing thinking of him and you were insulted in front of the kids. He was awful.

Oh op, this is awful. I grew up for a time walking on eggshells around my moody, mean and sometimes violent father. It was hideous and damaging.
This is not normal behaviour, my 3 year old knows better than to be ungrateful for a present even if they don't like it. Though I have a feeling the present is the tip of the iceberg here.
Please consider at least thinking about how you and you child relationship can escape this toxic situation.

Get him a fucking princess cake

This ☝️

I couldn’t be with a man who did this to my kids. I would not apologize I’d be telling him to come home with an attitude adjustment and apologize to the kids for being rude.

I really hope you find the strength to realize that this behaviour is not ok

I know it's easy for people to say do this and that, but sometimes you have to work up to it. From experience, sometimes you just do things to keep the peace, even when you KNOW how wrong it all is.

I think OP really needs thinking time and time to get angry. Everyone telling her his behaviour is wrong is good back up, but she already knows it's wrong - she's posted here.

Have a good think, OP. Work out your options. You don't have to put up with this, you really don't. But you will reach your own line in the sand, eventually.

My father was like this, except that he would never have participated in any kind of family activity. We all walked on eggshells around him and breathed more easily when he wasn't in the house. My mother, if questioned, would have said "but he never hit me".

I echo a PP who said that children's relationships are inevitably skewed, growing up in an environment like this. There are three of us - I'm (50) the youngest and we all have a string of unhappy relationships behind us and are all single. I don't think any of us understands what a normal relationship is or how to conduct it.

OP, I certainly don't mean to be cruel and I fully understand why you ended up apologising to keep the peace and smooth everything over. My mother did exactly the same. It was a relief when the apology was accepted (or at least not rejected) and his behaviour went back to something we could live with. It's not healthy for children to grow up in though - but that's so easy for an objective outsider to say. Hope that you are ok today.

@Lobsterquadrille2 I relate to so much of that

@GorgonzolaTombola I'm sorry to hear that - I think there's often a divide in advice given on Mumsnet which might in some cases relate to our own "normal". My standards are probably pretty low, my "comfort level" is a somewhat of a misnomer and I must have inherited my mother's approach that the man of the house should be kept happy at all times, and his wishes pandered to. Any discontent must be smoothed over and blame apportioned anywhere but to him.

Sorry OP to derail!

I see OP hasn’t returned.... I can only assume she has been busy baking his cake and trying to pander to him and has probably ran off to the shops and changed his top she got wrong

That is such an unnecessary comment I can only wonder what inner demon prompted you to post it @champagneandfromage50.

The OP isn't here to pander to an audience.
I imagine she was reeling from her DH's vileness, & then reeling some more as she read so many comments affirming that what she has been living with for so long is not normal, excusable or fair.

It takes a hell of a lot of courage to finally own & admit the fact of being in an abusive relationship. Can you not imagine the amount of time it will take to process that knowledge - let alone the cold stark reality that changes are going to have to be made?

OP will respond in her own time, if at all.
She will make her own choices. It's her life we are getting a glimpse of here - not a Netflix show.

I second what @messolini9 says. This isn’t a soap opera. OP I hope you are ok

messolini9 it may have been harsh however as someone who grew up in an abusive home where as a DC I had no choice. My mum chose to stay in it despite her beatings until he chose to leave. I was left with anxiety and real issues as an adult. I appreciate the OP has only just seen the light however she has a choice her Dc don’t. She is setting her DD for a life of anxiety and bad choices. That’s where my inner demon comes from, bitter experience

He hasn't apologised. I apologised (naturally) and fell into the role of peacemaker.

This is very galling & upsetting for you OP - but par for the course.
I hope the helpful posts - especially the long-ish one from @Veterinari a couple of pages upthread - are giving you comfort & insight.

In the meantime ... this book is so good I have the hard copy, but if it's not one you know of, you can read it for free online. It will arm you with understanding about how abusive men behave, & give you comfort & coping strategies as you learn more -
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf#page=281

You're not alone OP. And you don't have to put up with abuse from ANYONE. One day, you will be able to position yourself to not have to be 'the apologist' any more. Whether that is through an improvement from your DH (I am so sorry, I feel this is unlikely by now, he is too much of a self-justifier), or at some point when you feel willing & able to extracate yourself from him totally - there is a different life for you out there, without this constant hellish behaviour, & you will be able to reach for it when you are ready.

Hiya @champagneandfromage50 - it's all so much clearer to those of us who have "been there, done that" but have now managed to escape, isn't it?

I do get the frustration of wanting to urge others to implement their own escape asap, & guessed that you have had some historic experience. I can also remember my own denial, shame, & FOG, before my own escape.

OP seems to be taking it all on board & working through it.
It takes time, & nobody can reason it out FOR you, the concepts have to settle & then the courage has to be summoned.

OMG he sounds like my ExH - ungrateful and selfish. His birthdays were wrecked as he expected everything to be perfect and I'd do all I could to make them that way, and my birthdays were wrecked as he would tell me how stressful he found it trying to find me presents.

As for walking on eggshells, I can still feel the sense of relief the day he moved out. I honestly wasted so much time and energy trying to be one step ahead of him to make sure everything was just right and nothing could possibly cause a row. Except of course the rows still happened, and I was always the peacemaker.

Please try to find a way out of this relationship, for yours and the DC's sake, you won't believe how happy you can be once you're without him.

@lulualla
There's really no point in posting on these threads. They never listen. You can't help people who don't want to help themselves, and don't even want to help their children. I mean... what lesson are your children learning here? They won't know what we know. They won't known that this is wrong. To them, this is the model relationship.

Are you always so nasty? Basically you are saying if you don't agree with my narrow view of the world or with my opinions on something that I know very little about, then you shouldn't be posting on here. The OP has said herself that she has read the various opinions and is thinking about them . At the end of the day, each person has to find the courage to change their life, some may need time and a lot of support to do this, and others many just say 'OK I'll change this today, I'm strong enough'. We all have to do what we can manage, taking many things into account, most of them that are not set down in the original post.
A lot of the nasty responses on MN come from people that have never gone through trauma in their life. Were they to have gone through that, they would without doubt be more empathetic to those going through it.

There's really no point in posting on these threads. They never listen. You can't help people who don't want to help themselves, and don't even want to help their children. I mean... what lesson are your children learning here? They won't know what we know. They won't known that this is wrong. To them, this is the model relationship.

There's no point posting on these threads. Some pp's never read. If only they did, or could understand the dynamics at play behind the abuse cycles & how victims finally break free of them ...
It takes a hell of a lot of courage to finally own & admit the fact of being in an abusive relationship. Can you not imagine the amount of time it will take to process that knowledge - let alone the cold stark reality that changes are going to have to be made?

There have been plenty of posts along the lines of the quote above, here & on the legion similar threads where an OP is trapped in the cycle, & at the very beginning of her long process of acknowledgement, reaching out for support & validation, & finally - at her own pace - realising that her situation is untenable, her abuser will not change, & that all she can do is LTB.

The OP clearly DOES want to help herself & her DC, @Lulualla. Berating her, on top of the berating she received from her twat of a DH last night, is not helping her to help herself.

@JessWakefield86 - it's much easier for keyboard warriors on MN to tell you what you must do - make a huge life change, end your relationship, risk your husband's anger - than it is for you to immediately take their advice!

I think some people on here are being very unreasonable, expecting you to make such a huge life change immediately on their say-so.

Keep on posting here, and I wish you the very, very best. You and your dc deserve to live life without having to walk on eggshells or pander to your dh's moods.

Hope you're ok op, it's very sad to read you apologised to him when he was the one who behaved awfully and you did nothing wrong.

Can I ask gently is there a financial reason you're choosing This life?

Many, many women who post here about their abusive partners DO gain the courage they need to change things and many leave, helped by the advice and support they receive here from others who have similar experiences.

Awful, mean and ungrateful behaviour from him.
I wouldn’t be making that much of an effort next year. If he doesn’t like birthdays, maybe best not to have the kids waiting for him to open presents first thing in future. I’m not making excuses at all, but if you hate birthdays the last thing you want to have to do is put on an act first thing in the morning with fake displays of happiness and excitement in front of an audience.

How horrible.
Poor DC's, that's just dreadful.
I'd cancel the babysitter.
Forget the cake and take the DC out for a fun dinner, just the 3 of you and maybe bowling or soft play before and drag out coming home so he's home first and don't mention his birthday at all.
I really dislike ungrateful and rude people.
Sending you a virtual hug op