Big row on DH's birthday

[JessWakefield86]

Today is DH's birthday. I'd gone to a lot of effort to make it special for him - arranged an activity he loved for last weekend, and then planned on doing a family present-opening session before work today.

It was awful. He came downstairs very late, leaving no time to open all the stuff the DCs had been excited to give him. The presents he did open - from me - he openly sneered at. Said it wasn't what he wanted and I should've known better. He then shouted at me for "creating an argument" when I got upset, and slammed out of the house without saying goodbye, leaving two upset kids for me to try and get to school.

I'd booked this afternoon off work, to bake him a cake for when he gets home. And I've booked a babysitter so we can go out later. But frankly I'm wondering why I bother. I feel so sad, and the children were crushed.

Don't know what to do next.

@JessWakefield86 i think most posters are just shocked & angry that someone could behave in such an appalling & selfish way to you abd the DC

You did NOTHING wrong but I suspect that whatever you do it’s never right. It’s no way to live your life & even more no way for the DC to grow up

There are plenty of ppl here who have had similar experiences and will offer advice & support

For the sake of your children but also for your own sake, please read A Woman in your own Right. Can’t remember the author but will find it.

This is no way to live and it’s very emotionally damaging for kids.

I mean this message with kindness.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong so why do you apologise to him? Keep asking yourself this question until you really truly see that he is the one 100% in the wrong here.

I hope you find you inner amazing strength and leave this dreadful excuse for a man.

I'm sorry your effort was wasted big disappointment for you and the kids. This can't go on though. He is a husband and father his behaviour is offensive and disrespectful. You have some tough decisions tomake I wish you well xc

Given you’re always walking in egg shells... this would be the final straw...next gift - divorce papers. You don’t deserve to live like this and most certainly your children do not!

It’s by Anne Dickson.
The best gift a woman can buy herself.
I’d send you a copy if I could

Hi OP

My child would have been devastated if their dad had behaved like that on his birthday, when they were excitedly waiting for him to open his birthday presents.

What a dreadful way to treat your children, never mind you.

Wishing you strength on however you decide to move forward.

Read "why does he do that"
The day you stop taling responsibility for his happiness is the day you will wake up
I sense many pop bern there gone that..as veterinai said

You take on responsibility for creating his happiness, and thus if he’s unhappy, it must be your fault. Except it’s not.

You will never make him happy.
Get away for couple weeks see how it feels without him around

Do something to make you happy.

@JessWakefield86 Bless you, this is hard to experience and hard to hear.

You took a big step posting here.

Read "why does he do that"

Yep by Lundy Bancroft.

He’s abusive OP. Please don’t put your kids through this it’s so damaging.

You poor love. I've been where you are. I know you're scared. Please reach out to anyone supportive you can tell about your marriage. Even if that's a counsellor
You really need to find courage to get rid of him and you sound too frightened to start that process yet.
Read the books pp have suggested and really start to think who you can talk to. A legal appointment to find out where you'd stand financially and housing wise in a divorce would also be helpful. Help focus your mind.
Good luck.

Jess, I am sorry that you and the children have suffered at the hands of this horrible man. I hope that you will empower yourself and change your lives.

Last month you wrote that your H has admitted he does not love you. He has long targeted you with his unreasonable anger and criticism, but his cruelty has recently escalated.

His contemptuous behavior toward you has a destructive effect on your children. He proved today that he is also capable of directly brutalizing them.

You diminish yourself when you apologize after he has been unspeakably mean. I hope that you will soon tell him to leave. You and the children deserve a better life.

Consider seeking the support of individual counseling to express your feelings, strengthen your self-esteem and boundaries, and formulate an exit plan.

Is he a misery guts, OP?

Don’t waste your life on such a person

What? He told you last no thjjjjjkthat he doesn't love you.
And then does this.
And you were going to make him a cake?
Enough now.

• no thjjjjkthat should read.... Last month

Tell him he can swap places with my wonderful dh (39) who isn't going to make to his 40th birthday due to stage 4 terminal bowel cancer.

You poor thing, and your poor children. Maybe a make up present ‘ hi honey I’ve thought of a replacement present to make up for my egregious errors - a trial separation. Please pack a bag when you get home and find somewhere to stay, you clearly need to be set free from the daily need to role model to your children’

I don’t know why you apologised. He made the children feel like shit and I would tell him I don’t want to see his grumpy arsey face again until he’s planning to smother them with affection , apologise, and tell them how wonderful their presents are. I do know why you did, because you’ve gotten into the habit of keeping the peace but please remember you and the dc are worth more than this.

I stayed with ExH far too long. The deciding point was when he treated DS as cruelly (emotionally) as he treated me. I'd become conditioned to it over the years but saw it with fresh eyes when it was directed as DS. I read up on information from womens aid which helped me understand what had been happening to me and how I had minimised it. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Good luck x

So sorry loubieloo4

Well done OP for the kids sake you need to remove them from this situation. I know it’s very tough but your kids can’t live this way

Perhaps you are staying with the status quo, because you think that it will get better ?

How long will you wait

It may get worse

You deserve better

@JessWakefield86 I've just rtft and just want to say big hugs to you and dc. I agree with the majority comments here. Stop trying to make him happy it really is impossible and will distract you from what's really important. Focus on building up and strengthening you and the kids. Counteract the negative interactions you've been exposed to with positive interactions and experiences. Build yourselves up and the way becomes clearer, the fog starts to lift and you'll know what you need to do and how to do it. Sounds like you and the kids need a bit of extra love and care.

You apologised?? Why?? He should have apologised to you and your children. I echo giving him a present. A card with Happy Birthday! Congratulations! All your dreams have come true. I’m divorcing you xxxx

I'm oh so familiar with this type of behaviour- whatever I do is wrong a lot of the time, and he behaves like an entitled child. For a long time I wouldn't admit to myself how bad things were and blames myself for stuff as it sounds like you are doing.

I recently walked out with the kids and he was pretty shocked but it has kick started him into saying he'll try to change. We're having couples therapy, he's having individual therapy. No idea whether it's possibly for someone like this to change but I'm giving him one chance.

Please don't let this continue- just this one instance tells me a lot about how you are treated. As a first step could you get some relationships counselling (on your own) to talk things through? They will help you to recognise the issues and give you strategies to cope and defend yourself -- you might come to realise you're not willing to put up with this. Good luck and don't forget that you deserve so much better than this emotionally abuse man child.

You really shouldn't have apologised.
I'm glad you're starting to see that this behaviour is not okay though.

He has checked out of this marriage.

You clinging on will just deepen his contempt for you further. He is absolutely blatant about how little you mean to him.

This is a terrible lesson for your kids to witness.

I hate birthdays, my friends know I don’t celebrate it, my boyfriend knows now to celebrate/really even acknowledge it, but if he did I wouldn’t act like an arse. I’d paint a smile on and then cry when he had left.

I can understand why you would feel the need to apologise to keep the peace. Your relationship with your husband is teaching your children what a normal relationship looks like. Sadly your husband isn’t considering this, you are, and you can teach them that this is an unhealthy relationship by leaving him. People don’t change.