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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this inappropriate?

364 replies

justtheonenamechange · 25/11/2019 12:42

I've name changed for this as I didn't want it linked to my previous posts.

I've found the following text messages, which were written across several days during an activity week. The child is a girl in her mid-teens and the adult is a male in his 40s. The child attended the full week but the adult only attended the first few days. This is an exact transcript of the conversation, but with any identifying details taken out. Is the adult just being supportive/encouraging, or is this bordering on inappropriate? I would welcome any opinions please. Sorry it's quite long, but I didn't want to deliberately leave any of it out.

Adult:
If you look at the [place] I can see it from the [place]! Hope you enjoy the week. I knew you would love it, but I know you will miss me!!

Child:
I miss you already 😂. I hope I enjoy it, the jury is still out right now. Have a safe journey though 😊

Adult:
You will be asleep by now but possibly chatting away or shouting? Have a blast I miss [accommodation name] already 😉. Have fun, not too much I want you all to miss me!

Child:
[Accommodation name] is the best 😂. We‘ll have fun, but obviously we’ll miss you 😊.

Adult:
I know, my favourite [group] I guess!

Child:
I guess so 😂. You missed a great public soaking.

Adult:
Did you get footage?!
How was your theme night?
Had a very lonely boring day, just wondering how much fun I could have had 😞 with you.

Child:
Hiya, no. No footage, too busy hitting [name]. The theme night was good but very hot. You missed [name] dressed as a monk. I don’t think you’d have enjoyed [place] as it was hot. You are definitely missed 😕.

Adult:
Tomorrow looks lovely and hot. Another day where I watch my watch wondering what I’m missing. Enjoy the time it is the best time in my opinion. I miss you all.

Child:
Aww bless. I am trying to enjoy it, today was fun. We had the slip and slide out. We definitely miss you too.

Adult:
Did you get my wet willy in!
If not plenty of time left. Did I leave any credit in the canteen? If you don’t use it tell [name] to add it to the [charity name] fund. You should be asleep by now but I guess you are chatting away and about to get told to be quiet. I would not I would stand and listen!!

Child:
Yeah I did, haven’t had chance to use your credit, but I think we’ll use it on Friday. I thought you’d appreciate a little rule breaking 😂

Adult:
[Activity] rules like any are made to be broken and I can tell you most of them I have. I appreciate that and accept any punishment! Have a great time and I will be waiting when you come home as I need a set of keys and it’s a good excuse to see you.

Child:
Ok. Well I probably should go as it’s [name] out tonight 😬. See you when we get back. Try not to miss us too much!

Adult:
That would be a challenge for me in the old days. Goodnight 😉

Adult:
How’s it going? How’s the weather?

Child:
The weather is boiling. The [activity] thing was 💩

Adult:
Should have jumped in. Or chucked [name] in?
Looks a bit cooler tomorrow. Enjoy the last few days...

Child:
I’d rather chuck him in.
Not long left now.
We went on a late night [activity] tonight.

Adult:
Enjoy your last night, don’t eat too much chocolate! Had a nice week? Say the first few days were the best!!

Child:
It was alright. I survived. There’s been loads of sick people today 😬. It’ll be a good night.

Adult:
Going back? If all goes to plan you may have to put up with me all week 😁. Who is ill?

Child:
I might come back.
[name] and [name].

Adult:
I will if you will.....
[name] is gay, but [name].....
Have a great last day, I love it there. I will see you tomorrow afternoon.

Child:
Fine I’ll go.
We’ll have a good time!
See you tomorrow.

Adult:
Yeh. You will not regret it. Only the backlash of a prank or plenty more. Don’t eat too much crap, you will feel sick, unless it’s all gone already. Until next year!!!

Child:
I won’t eat too much. Don’t worry 😂.
I think I can handle the backlash of a prank

Adult:
Sounds like it has been smashed already? Your with the right man then! Goodnight [accommodation name] 😘

Child:
We haven’t eaten anything yet. See you tomorrow. Good night ☺️

OP posts:
chlo04 · 25/11/2019 14:51

Omg just seen! It's your husband and a student. OP this is so inappropriate. Report him!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 25/11/2019 14:53

OP I'm sorry. This isn't a case of him helping with her confidence.

"It's a good excuse to see you"?

If he was talking to a woman at work like that you wouldn't accept these excuses. Please kick him to the kerb.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/11/2019 14:53

Why Is he texting a teenage girl when he is a group leader? Never appropriate and everyone knows this.

Unless your husband is the stupidest man alive, he knows exactly what he doing.

CosmoK · 25/11/2019 14:55

These messages are incredibly inappropriate. He is in a position of trust. There is a power imbalance.
I run safeguarding training for group leaders and as the people participating in the group activities are 16/17 we make sure they are all aware that it is illegal for them to have a sexual relationship with any of them as they are in a position of trust...even if the relationship is consensual. I know there is no suggestion of a sexual relationship BUT this just screams grooming to me.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 25/11/2019 14:56

He knows what he is doing. He is texting a teenaged child telling her he misses her.

The man is a fucking creep.

Musti · 25/11/2019 14:56

Well done for reporting him and he was definitely grooming her. If he wanted to boost her confidence there are lots of appropriate ways of doing it but continually going on about missing each other, initiating contact, breaking the rules etc is not boosting her confidence but grooming her.

Turt · 25/11/2019 14:57

Yes, this is inappropriate. Well done for your courage in reporting your husband.

Bumfuzzled · 25/11/2019 14:58

Under confident children are perfect targets for predatory men. They lap up the compliments, and the neediness (I miss yous etc) makes them feel wanted and important. I’d hazard a guess she has weak parental support and no close brothers or sisters. Which is where men like your husband see the easy way in.

I’m so glad you are going to report it. What are you going to do about your husband. The inappropriateness is off the chart!

Timetobegood · 25/11/2019 14:59

I would want to know if I was her parent.

spookysamhainwitch · 25/11/2019 14:59

Got half way through and it's really inappropriate couldn't read the rest

MsDogLady · 25/11/2019 15:00

This is not being a supportive mentor. This is predatory.

Timetobegood · 25/11/2019 15:00

Why hasn’t he had safeguarding training if he is a group leader?

Timetobegood · 25/11/2019 15:01

Are you going to confront your husband?

ShagMeRiggins · 25/11/2019 15:02

He is my husband.

Shit. Still wrong. Sad

Bluntness100 · 25/11/2019 15:02

Oh dear. If this was my husband I'd be deeply concerned. Because that's grooming all day long. You've a significant problem on your hands.

I was really hoping you would say it was her father whom you hated 😔

GiveHerHellFromUs · 25/11/2019 15:04

Why hasn’t he had safeguarding training if he is a group leader?

I don't really think you need safeguarding training to know this is inappropriate

Aloe6 · 25/11/2019 15:06

Your head must be spinning. That is shocking to read. I hope you are ok.

Ferretyone · 25/11/2019 15:06

@Princessfaffalot

Flowers
crochetmonkey74 · 25/11/2019 15:07

Just the amount of messages made me think yes, definitely inappropriate and that's before the content which as a PP said, could be straight off a safeguarding training course (teacher here who has specialised in CP - this looks identical to lots of cases I have been involved in- please get help OP

HowlsMovingBungalow · 25/11/2019 15:07

If I was the childs parent I'd be would be on the phone to the police NOW.

I'd also be concerned that he had esculated his grooming if these texts aren't recent ie last week.

Bluntness100 · 25/11/2019 15:08

Op, I've just re read the exchange in light of your new information. Either your husband is already involved with this girl or he is grooming her to be. There is no two ways about it, unless he has additional needs and doesn't understand what he's doing when he texts someone about missing them, having an excuse to see them, sending them kisses etc.

And what's that about the old days, I'm assuming that's pre something which has occurred.

Something is very wrong here.

Aussiebean · 25/11/2019 15:09

We have had training.

We were told in no uncertain terms that a child is considered someone 18.

That ANY communication outside of work email is not on. In this case he is the one initiating the communication which is really wrong. The Wink ‘s makes it worse.

Peanutbutteryogurt · 25/11/2019 15:09

Ew that is disgusting. All the winking and kissing emojis, it's really made my stomach turn. It is grooming Op and your husband is a creep.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 25/11/2019 15:10

FWIW, I am sure it's not a case of him grooming her.

Well, as a secondary teacher, I can tell you that he is 100% grooming her., and so would the police.

It's not up to you to decide. It's fact, so how are you going to deal with it?

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 25/11/2019 15:11

FWIW, I am sure it's not a case of him grooming her

Well, as a secondary teacher, I can tell you that he is 100% grooming her., and so would the police.

It's not up to you to decide. It's fact, so how are you going to deal with it?

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