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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this inappropriate?

364 replies

justtheonenamechange · 25/11/2019 12:42

I've name changed for this as I didn't want it linked to my previous posts.

I've found the following text messages, which were written across several days during an activity week. The child is a girl in her mid-teens and the adult is a male in his 40s. The child attended the full week but the adult only attended the first few days. This is an exact transcript of the conversation, but with any identifying details taken out. Is the adult just being supportive/encouraging, or is this bordering on inappropriate? I would welcome any opinions please. Sorry it's quite long, but I didn't want to deliberately leave any of it out.

Adult:
If you look at the [place] I can see it from the [place]! Hope you enjoy the week. I knew you would love it, but I know you will miss me!!

Child:
I miss you already 😂. I hope I enjoy it, the jury is still out right now. Have a safe journey though 😊

Adult:
You will be asleep by now but possibly chatting away or shouting? Have a blast I miss [accommodation name] already 😉. Have fun, not too much I want you all to miss me!

Child:
[Accommodation name] is the best 😂. We‘ll have fun, but obviously we’ll miss you 😊.

Adult:
I know, my favourite [group] I guess!

Child:
I guess so 😂. You missed a great public soaking.

Adult:
Did you get footage?!
How was your theme night?
Had a very lonely boring day, just wondering how much fun I could have had 😞 with you.

Child:
Hiya, no. No footage, too busy hitting [name]. The theme night was good but very hot. You missed [name] dressed as a monk. I don’t think you’d have enjoyed [place] as it was hot. You are definitely missed 😕.

Adult:
Tomorrow looks lovely and hot. Another day where I watch my watch wondering what I’m missing. Enjoy the time it is the best time in my opinion. I miss you all.

Child:
Aww bless. I am trying to enjoy it, today was fun. We had the slip and slide out. We definitely miss you too.

Adult:
Did you get my wet willy in!
If not plenty of time left. Did I leave any credit in the canteen? If you don’t use it tell [name] to add it to the [charity name] fund. You should be asleep by now but I guess you are chatting away and about to get told to be quiet. I would not I would stand and listen!!

Child:
Yeah I did, haven’t had chance to use your credit, but I think we’ll use it on Friday. I thought you’d appreciate a little rule breaking 😂

Adult:
[Activity] rules like any are made to be broken and I can tell you most of them I have. I appreciate that and accept any punishment! Have a great time and I will be waiting when you come home as I need a set of keys and it’s a good excuse to see you.

Child:
Ok. Well I probably should go as it’s [name] out tonight 😬. See you when we get back. Try not to miss us too much!

Adult:
That would be a challenge for me in the old days. Goodnight 😉

Adult:
How’s it going? How’s the weather?

Child:
The weather is boiling. The [activity] thing was 💩

Adult:
Should have jumped in. Or chucked [name] in?
Looks a bit cooler tomorrow. Enjoy the last few days...

Child:
I’d rather chuck him in.
Not long left now.
We went on a late night [activity] tonight.

Adult:
Enjoy your last night, don’t eat too much chocolate! Had a nice week? Say the first few days were the best!!

Child:
It was alright. I survived. There’s been loads of sick people today 😬. It’ll be a good night.

Adult:
Going back? If all goes to plan you may have to put up with me all week 😁. Who is ill?

Child:
I might come back.
[name] and [name].

Adult:
I will if you will.....
[name] is gay, but [name].....
Have a great last day, I love it there. I will see you tomorrow afternoon.

Child:
Fine I’ll go.
We’ll have a good time!
See you tomorrow.

Adult:
Yeh. You will not regret it. Only the backlash of a prank or plenty more. Don’t eat too much crap, you will feel sick, unless it’s all gone already. Until next year!!!

Child:
I won’t eat too much. Don’t worry 😂.
I think I can handle the backlash of a prank

Adult:
Sounds like it has been smashed already? Your with the right man then! Goodnight [accommodation name] 😘

Child:
We haven’t eaten anything yet. See you tomorrow. Good night ☺️

OP posts:
yasle · 25/11/2019 14:10

Absolutely appalling.

For a start, every single exchange is initiated by the adult who is asking questions and inviting responses. If this adult has some sort of supervisory/teaching position, they are abusing it to access this teenager, who, regardless of whether she's reached the age of consent, is in a situation with a massive power imbalance.

Thestrangestthing · 25/11/2019 14:12

A parent wouldn't need an excuse to see their child? Even an estranged one? They'd just say I want to see you? I really don't think this is a family member.

Really? Life experience has taught me it definitely happens.

baileys6904 · 25/11/2019 14:13

Please report if the child is under 16. Heck if the child is over and the adult is a supervisory role, it's still blimming iffy.
Please report op

VignetteStonemoss · 25/11/2019 14:14

This is uncomfortable reading on the basis that the girl and the adult aren't related. However, I agree with Bluntness that relationship is key here. If the person is unrelated to the girl then it's hugely inappropriate. If the girl and the adult are related then there's more of a question mark over it.

forkfun · 25/11/2019 14:16

Even if the adult is the father it's completely inappropriate. The constant 'i miss you' 'do you miss me', just bend the rules, etc. Fathers are abusers too. Anyone thinking this is ok is naive at best.

81Byerley · 25/11/2019 14:17

Well let's just say if that was my daughter I'd be asking questions. it sounds decidedly iffy.

AravisQueenOfArchenland · 25/11/2019 14:19

It's not just the making excuses to see each other bit (which, fair enough, pp's are right and it could be innocent if the parents don't get on), it just doesn't read like a parent/child exchange to me?

VignetteStonemoss · 25/11/2019 14:22

forkfun, no I don't think so. Texts to and from my dad read very similar in tone and there was nothing inappropriate about our relationship. People communicate in different ways to each other. What's normal in one family won't be in another. That's why the relationship between the two people is important.

The adult in the messages above is over familiar with the girl. It's definitely crossing the line if they're unrelated. It's not so clear if they are related.

Timetobegood · 25/11/2019 14:22

A man in his 40s? No, definitely grooming going on with inappropriate compliments and suggestive remarks.

Bluntness100 · 25/11/2019 14:23

The fact the op,has not specified, because if it was a teacher or something you would, and the fact he says I'll be waiting when you get home as I need some keys, and the fact he was also there for a percentage of the time, like many parents do, indicates there is more to this than is being said.

Wonder if the op will come back and clarify,,,

VignetteStonemoss · 25/11/2019 14:24

Aravis, I agree. I think they must be unrelated but clarity would be good. It would also influence what advice is given on how to deal with this situation.

PegasusReturns · 25/11/2019 14:32

Context is everything.

This is inappropriate, unless the man is her father in which case it seems like an attempt to retain contact. Telling your DD that you miss her etc is ok.

Anyone else and it's classic grooming. The poor girl.

justtheonenamechange · 25/11/2019 14:36

Thank you all for your comments. I've been reading them all as they've been coming in but haven't replied yet because I'm just trying to work everything out in my head.

The two are not related. He is a group leader and she attends the group. He is my husband. I don't know her exact age, but she's under 18 (I would guess she's probably 16 or maybe 17).

I found the messages on his phone. FWIW, I am sure it's not a case of him grooming her. He has mentioned her name in the past, how under-confident she is and how he's taken her under his wing. I have no idea why children and staff members have each others' phone numbers and I agree with previous posters that he absolutely needs safeguarding training. As you can understand, the messages were very upsetting to read, particularly given our own personal background and things which were happening in our lives during the time he was sending the messages. I also recognise the fact that he is initiating the conversations and she is sensibly replying with shorter messages.

I'm going to report it anonymously to the main group leader. It's inappropriate and I would definitely want it reported if someone in a position of trust/authority had been sending messages to my DC.

Thank you.

OP posts:
popsadaisy · 25/11/2019 14:36

Completely inappropriate I cringed reading this!! Is the adult a teacher?

CFlemingSmith · 25/11/2019 14:38

No advice now I know it's your husband, but sending lots of support your way because I think you will need it. How very overwhelming for you x

Ritasueandbobtoo · 25/11/2019 14:42

If this were my husband his stuff would be on the driveway and i would report him to the police.

VignetteStonemoss · 25/11/2019 14:43

Ok with that information...yep definitely inappropriate. There is no reason for him to be communicating so persistently with this girl (or at all?).

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 25/11/2019 14:43

Wow it's your husband? I thought you were going to be the child's mum and I would have said at least your child has kept things just friendly and hasnt fallen for some of the things that could be classed as completely inappropriate. BUT as he is your husband I dont even know what to say, sorry you're having to read that and probably dont even know what to do with it right now!

HowlsMovingBungalow · 25/11/2019 14:44

Your husband is a sleazy predator.

Grim!

WatchingFromTheWings · 25/11/2019 14:44

I am sure it's not a case of him grooming her.

Looks like grooming to me.

popsadaisy · 25/11/2019 14:45

Sorry OP cross post.
Don't let him think that those messages were ever ok to send, even if she is lacking in confidence there's no excuse what so ever.
I'm pleased you are going to report it. Good luck Thanks

Aquamarine1029 · 25/11/2019 14:48

Have a great time and I will be waiting when you come home as I need a set of keys and it’s a good excuse to see you.

My god. Your husband is not the man you thought he was. He would be out on the kerb if he were my husband. He is 100% grooming her.

BrassTactical · 25/11/2019 14:50

Oh god sorry OP I think he should soon be ex husband??

Ineedanamechange79 · 25/11/2019 14:50

If this was.my husband I would go mad. Why Is he texting a teenage girl when he is a group leader? Never appropriate and everyone knows this. This is grooming OP, sorry.

chlo04 · 25/11/2019 14:50

The child as seems as if she looks up to this man/women.

Adult seems like they are flirting however if it is family they may just be being loving x

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