Is this inappropriate?

[justtheonenamechange]

I've name changed for this as I didn't want it linked to my previous posts.

I've found the following text messages, which were written across several days during an activity week. The child is a girl in her mid-teens and the adult is a male in his 40s. The child attended the full week but the adult only attended the first few days. This is an exact transcript of the conversation, but with any identifying details taken out. Is the adult just being supportive/encouraging, or is this bordering on inappropriate? I would welcome any opinions please. Sorry it's quite long, but I didn't want to deliberately leave any of it out.

Adult:
If you look at the [place] I can see it from the [place]! Hope you enjoy the week. I knew you would love it, but I know you will miss me!!

Child:
I miss you already 😂. I hope I enjoy it, the jury is still out right now. Have a safe journey though 😊

Adult:
You will be asleep by now but possibly chatting away or shouting? Have a blast I miss [accommodation name] already 😉. Have fun, not too much I want you all to miss me!

Child:
[Accommodation name] is the best 😂. We‘ll have fun, but obviously we’ll miss you 😊.

Adult:
I know, my favourite [group] I guess!

Child:
I guess so 😂. You missed a great public soaking.

Adult:
Did you get footage?!
How was your theme night?
Had a very lonely boring day, just wondering how much fun I could have had 😞 with you.

Child:
Hiya, no. No footage, too busy hitting [name]. The theme night was good but very hot. You missed [name] dressed as a monk. I don’t think you’d have enjoyed [place] as it was hot. You are definitely missed 😕.

Adult:
Tomorrow looks lovely and hot. Another day where I watch my watch wondering what I’m missing. Enjoy the time it is the best time in my opinion. I miss you all.

Child:
Aww bless. I am trying to enjoy it, today was fun. We had the slip and slide out. We definitely miss you too.

Adult:
Did you get my wet willy in!
If not plenty of time left. Did I leave any credit in the canteen? If you don’t use it tell [name] to add it to the [charity name] fund. You should be asleep by now but I guess you are chatting away and about to get told to be quiet. I would not I would stand and listen!!

Child:
Yeah I did, haven’t had chance to use your credit, but I think we’ll use it on Friday. I thought you’d appreciate a little rule breaking 😂

Adult:
[Activity] rules like any are made to be broken and I can tell you most of them I have. I appreciate that and accept any punishment! Have a great time and I will be waiting when you come home as I need a set of keys and it’s a good excuse to see you.

Child:
Ok. Well I probably should go as it’s [name] out tonight 😬. See you when we get back. Try not to miss us too much!

Adult:
That would be a challenge for me in the old days. Goodnight 😉

Adult:
How’s it going? How’s the weather?

Child:
The weather is boiling. The [activity] thing was 💩

Adult:
Should have jumped in. Or chucked [name] in?
Looks a bit cooler tomorrow. Enjoy the last few days...

Child:
I’d rather chuck him in.
Not long left now.
We went on a late night [activity] tonight.

Adult:
Enjoy your last night, don’t eat too much chocolate! Had a nice week? Say the first few days were the best!!

Child:
It was alright. I survived. There’s been loads of sick people today 😬. It’ll be a good night.

Adult:
Going back? If all goes to plan you may have to put up with me all week 😁. Who is ill?

Child:
I might come back.
[name] and [name].

Adult:
I will if you will.....
[name] is gay, but [name].....
Have a great last day, I love it there. I will see you tomorrow afternoon.

Child:
Fine I’ll go.
We’ll have a good time!
See you tomorrow.

Adult:
Yeh. You will not regret it. Only the backlash of a prank or plenty more. Don’t eat too much crap, you will feel sick, unless it’s all gone already. Until next year!!!

Child:
I won’t eat too much. Don’t worry 😂.
I think I can handle the backlash of a prank

Adult:
Sounds like it has been smashed already? Your with the right man then! Goodnight [accommodation name] 😘

Child:
We haven’t eaten anything yet. See you tomorrow. Good night ☺️

He should not be messaging her in any circumstances. He is grooming her. This is predatory behaviour. You need not only to report but leave the relationship.

I'd agree, you don't need to go on some safe guarding course to see how bad this is.

I am struggling how you can read that, see your own husband telling her how much he misses her, sending her kisses, how he needs to find an excuse to see her, how persistently he texts her, and then say he's not grooming her.

What exactly do you think he's doing?

That takes some reading. Please do as you’ve said OP, this is not right

There was a woman on my recovery toolkit course (for women who've experienced domestic violence) and her husband was accused of sexually assaulting teenage girls. She stood by him until her little daughter disclosed to school he'd been doing it to her to. She had 1000% no clue. Please report him!

I would leave my husband if I caught him communicating with a child like this. You are definitely not overreacting OP.

@DrinkSangriaInThePark and @Bluntness100 I have already outlined what I am going to do. The girl has my full sympathies and I am dealing with the situation. Having a go at me isn't going to help.

Sorry you're going through this OP. But please realise, he tells you the child lacks confidence- that's just his way of justifying the extra attention he's giving her. It's a classic predator thing (saying the child is vulnerable, needs special attention, needs extra support) in order to make themselves justify their actions. She quite probably IS vulnerable, as so many young people are, and that is of course what's attracted him. But please don't for a second accept that as any form of excuse.

As others have said, simply exchanging personal phone numbers oversteps the mark, let alone texting her while she's in bed, and all the rest. 🤢

Another secondary school teacher here. I would either go straight to the police or like you say the group leader immediately.
If you need help and support go on the NSPCA website, as you can imagine there is a lot of information there dedicated specifically to this type of abuse.
If you have knowledge of what is going on and do not act on it then you are as bad as the person doing it. I sound harsh but you cannot let this vile man continue his abuse.

Of course a person with any common sense knows those texts are inappropriate but the question re safeguarding training needs to be asked. He will use the excuse that he didn’t know what he was doing was inappropriate and as the op says, he will say he was trying to boost her confidence.

(I wouldn’t be surprised if he has actually had training and he is just a horrible sleaze/lech.)

Did you get footage?!
How was your theme night?
Had a very lonely boring day, just wondering how much fun I could have had 😞 with you

i got to here ^^^^^^ before thinking inappropriate

nope - very inappropriate

Stay strong @justtheonenamechange, this must be very different for you. I hope you have someone in real life who can offer you support. These messages make very uncomfortable reading.

Does your husband know you have read these messages? How did he react? Was there a reason you read them in the first place? Were you suspicious if his behaviour? I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

So sorry OP that it's your husband, think it's great you will report and not sweep under the carpet. None of those messages were about confidence boosting.

Adult:
[Activity] rules like any are made to be broken and I can tell you most of them I have. I appreciate that and accept any punishment! Have a great time and I will be waiting when you come home as I need a set of keys and it’s a good excuse to see you.

How anyone could think this message is innocent is beyond me. I hope the OP is on the phone to the police right now.

Op if this girl is under 16, the police may seize any devices he has, and they may find some nasty stuff. Or other girls may come forward. Just a thought, but this text exchange could be the tip of the iceberg so to speak

I’m sorry OP, that must have been very hard to read. I even found it hard to read and I’m just a randomer on the internet.

It definitely reads like grooming. It could also be the kind of messaging some people would do when the relationship has already become physical but they don’t want to put anything ‘in writing’ iyswim.

Repetitive gushing, saying he misses her/them, asking is she misses him, talking about excuses to see her again, suggestive remarks . (And messaging her privately at all) ... Your husband has ignored & crossed the line to such an extent he wouldn't be able to still see it if he looked behind him.

Totally, totally and utterly inappropriate.

The girl actually comes across as more mature, level headed etc than him in the messages and is trying to be polite and kind but doesn't seem to reciprocate the feelings; it seems like she's politely batting then off.

Meanwhile he's like a big overenthusiastic licky, bounding dog over someone - gushing and needy and almost suffocating. Most disturbing is that the person he's doing this too is an underage girl he's in a position of authority, leadership and trust over.

He had no boundaries, no sense of what's right or appropriate and j don't know how you'd fix him. In fact I'd say you can't.

I'm very sorry you're married to this man. I'm so glad you're not going to sweep thus under the carpet and "stand by him" (and blame the girl) as some women would do.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it's a horrible situation but you're doing the right thing

Please take care - do you think your husband will know it's you who has reported him? Will you be safe?

Again I'm sorry; none of this reflects on you, it on him.

I'm sorry you've found this for your mh and for the terrible realisation your husband is not the man you thought he was.
But please pass this conversation on ( proof with phone ) to his boss or head of department. This is grooming, or potentially some form of sexual abuse. He needs to be found out. For the students sake , others in the past or those still to come, but also for your sake as well.

I think this should be reported to the police OP. I'm so sorry for you but it isn't right.

Having a go at me isn't going to help

I wasn't 'having a go' at you.

I was just appalled that you said that were sure that he wasn't grooming her when it's as clear as day that he was.

He actually sounds like someone in the throes of an intense crush. Pity he's overlooked a. Being married and b. The object of the crush being an underage girl he's in a position of trust over.

That made me feel incredibly uncomfortable, I am so sorry you're are going through this.
Well done for making the right decision regarding reporting.

OMG it’s your husband OP. I’m so sorry. What an awful shock it must have been to find those messages. You’re doing exactly the right thing by reporting him to the group leader, although I really think you should inform the police.

I know you don’t want to think he is grooming this girl but he really really is. Those messages raise so many red flags it’s unbelievable. Like I said in my PP, it’s like a training ex cerise’s to spot grooming, from the persistent instigating contact, to the forced intimacy, to the forced teaming to subtle encouragement to break rules. I’m so sorry, but to any other eyes but yours those messages are clearly grooming. The fact that your husband views this girl as being vulnerable just puts the cherry on top I’m afraid. Men who groom young girls don’t look for confident girls, they look for girls with vulnerabilities they can exploit. I’m so sorry but you really really must report this, and you really should tell the police. What your husband is doing is predatory.