Is this inappropriate?

[justtheonenamechange]

I've name changed for this as I didn't want it linked to my previous posts.

I've found the following text messages, which were written across several days during an activity week. The child is a girl in her mid-teens and the adult is a male in his 40s. The child attended the full week but the adult only attended the first few days. This is an exact transcript of the conversation, but with any identifying details taken out. Is the adult just being supportive/encouraging, or is this bordering on inappropriate? I would welcome any opinions please. Sorry it's quite long, but I didn't want to deliberately leave any of it out.

Adult:
If you look at the [place] I can see it from the [place]! Hope you enjoy the week. I knew you would love it, but I know you will miss me!!

Child:
I miss you already 😂. I hope I enjoy it, the jury is still out right now. Have a safe journey though 😊

Adult:
You will be asleep by now but possibly chatting away or shouting? Have a blast I miss [accommodation name] already 😉. Have fun, not too much I want you all to miss me!

Child:
[Accommodation name] is the best 😂. We‘ll have fun, but obviously we’ll miss you 😊.

Adult:
I know, my favourite [group] I guess!

Child:
I guess so 😂. You missed a great public soaking.

Adult:
Did you get footage?!
How was your theme night?
Had a very lonely boring day, just wondering how much fun I could have had 😞 with you.

Child:
Hiya, no. No footage, too busy hitting [name]. The theme night was good but very hot. You missed [name] dressed as a monk. I don’t think you’d have enjoyed [place] as it was hot. You are definitely missed 😕.

Adult:
Tomorrow looks lovely and hot. Another day where I watch my watch wondering what I’m missing. Enjoy the time it is the best time in my opinion. I miss you all.

Child:
Aww bless. I am trying to enjoy it, today was fun. We had the slip and slide out. We definitely miss you too.

Adult:
Did you get my wet willy in!
If not plenty of time left. Did I leave any credit in the canteen? If you don’t use it tell [name] to add it to the [charity name] fund. You should be asleep by now but I guess you are chatting away and about to get told to be quiet. I would not I would stand and listen!!

Child:
Yeah I did, haven’t had chance to use your credit, but I think we’ll use it on Friday. I thought you’d appreciate a little rule breaking 😂

Adult:
[Activity] rules like any are made to be broken and I can tell you most of them I have. I appreciate that and accept any punishment! Have a great time and I will be waiting when you come home as I need a set of keys and it’s a good excuse to see you.

Child:
Ok. Well I probably should go as it’s [name] out tonight 😬. See you when we get back. Try not to miss us too much!

Adult:
That would be a challenge for me in the old days. Goodnight 😉

Adult:
How’s it going? How’s the weather?

Child:
The weather is boiling. The [activity] thing was 💩

Adult:
Should have jumped in. Or chucked [name] in?
Looks a bit cooler tomorrow. Enjoy the last few days...

Child:
I’d rather chuck him in.
Not long left now.
We went on a late night [activity] tonight.

Adult:
Enjoy your last night, don’t eat too much chocolate! Had a nice week? Say the first few days were the best!!

Child:
It was alright. I survived. There’s been loads of sick people today 😬. It’ll be a good night.

Adult:
Going back? If all goes to plan you may have to put up with me all week 😁. Who is ill?

Child:
I might come back.
[name] and [name].

Adult:
I will if you will.....
[name] is gay, but [name].....
Have a great last day, I love it there. I will see you tomorrow afternoon.

Child:
Fine I’ll go.
We’ll have a good time!
See you tomorrow.

Adult:
Yeh. You will not regret it. Only the backlash of a prank or plenty more. Don’t eat too much crap, you will feel sick, unless it’s all gone already. Until next year!!!

Child:
I won’t eat too much. Don’t worry 😂.
I think I can handle the backlash of a prank

Adult:
Sounds like it has been smashed already? Your with the right man then! Goodnight [accommodation name] 😘

Child:
We haven’t eaten anything yet. See you tomorrow. Good night ☺️

Second, I feel like there is perhaps some sort of 'institutionalised acceptance' of inappropriate relationships within the group he attends. I won't go into any more detail here, but I think that not all the leaders aren't necessarily aware of what is/isn't acceptable.

Can I just say, there is a long history of organisations covering themselves up over the years and not much coming of anything.

If this place is as you say above, I would go independent to report this, the police or NSPCC. It's too important to tell head office alone.

Also, read your other posts. It would seem he's been refining his grooming for a lot of years, and that included you. Can you see yourself in what he says about this little girl? Did you lack confidence at 15?

Hugs to you.

How are you OP?

Hi OP. I'm sorry you are going through this.

I would make an anonymous report to the NSPCC, your local police and I would also find a way of contacting the girl's parents.

I would let them know that x has got a hold of her number and has been sending inappropriate messages. I would advise them to tread carefully in their approach to their daughter so they can get a hold of her phone to preserve evidence.

X

No don’t contact the girls parents. Police can do that. One report, to the police. Let them handle this.

I think you've had excellent advice here. I would suggest talking to the police before ANYONE... and don't approach the Head Office or the girl's parents yourself.

I am so sorry that all this is happening to you.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP, you're doing all the right things when I'm sure you're in a lot of shock. Sending love and strength.

If my under 18 child had received those from an adult I would be in the police station with the phone.

I’m so sorry OP. You deserve better. All the strength and admiration for you taking it forwards.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

FWIW I think you’re doing the right thing by reporting him, but I also think that you need to LTB. He sounds like a predator

I read your transcript thinking that the adult was inappropriate & the child was trying to remain polite but politely trying to fend him off.

I noticed that while he was gushing in about missing them/her and trying to illicit reciprocal talk from her; she was the one trying to ramp.it down and keep things impersonal/neutral .. "certainly (or word to that effect) you are missed".

She actually showed herself to be level headed, measured, diplomatic & polite while being out in quite a cringey position. It doesn't rely fit with her having low confidence and needing brought out of herself (not impossible that she is but seems unlikely), confirming his scene setting/excuse for taking an interest in her/ paying her attention etc is bullshit.

How sad and ridiculous that this poor teenage girl was left in the position of fending off this overenthusiastic, attempting to groom, creep of a man. He shouldn't even have been messaging her personally in the first place.

Op I know you're acting on this but even if you weren't this kind of inappropriate, predatory, ridiculous behaviour would be laid at your doorstep at some point - the girl might tell parent/friend/counsellor, the girls parents might see the messages and report. Imagine police/SS of whoever coming to your door, with all the inherent stress, embarrassment, gossip, stigma etc. And much.muvh worse if you had kids with him in the middle of it. I hope you get rid of him as well.as report this, you deserve better. I can't see him changing, he's been like this from the start and now he's in his 40s, chasing/crushing in teenagers - a school girl I presume.

*crushing on

Sending big hugs to you for what you are going through, with the miscarriage and this discovery about your husband. You sound like an incredibly brave and lovely person.

Just seen this, so sorry, the transcript looks pretty damning but context does matter and age is key, if over 18 then whilst creepy it isn't a safeguarding matter, 16 or 17 then it could be a safeguarding matter but will depend to a certain extent on the nature of the group, the constitution of the group, and rules from parent organisation etc because the age of consent is 16. Mobile phones are not advised to communicate but I know it happens where I work - what we do is make the leaders use WhatsApp and copy the safeguarding lead into all conversations with anyone under 18 (or still in 6th form) plus anyone vulnerable.

Go to the police with your screenshots. I know they will take this seriously. They can definitely dig up his history, and they can check out the girl’s phone too. (She is going to need some counselling as well.) I suspect he has form for this too. Sorry, OP. He is trying to divide and conquer the girl and boys of her own age. This is seriously manipulative and quite experienced behaviour. I am pleased you are taking this seriously. His behaviour is way out of line. Terribly sorry about your baby, also.

Poor you op. You sound lovely. A lot to come to terms with here.
One of my best friends got with her ex when she was 15 and he was late 20s.
He was later discovered to be a serious sex offender against children. He’s now in prison.
She kept saying how out of character it seemed and then one day the penny dropped. He’d been grooming her when she was even younger than 15. heartbroken doesn’t even come near how she felt.
I have extensive personal experience of child abusers and it’s a horrible thing to realise you’re a victim and what seemed harmless is actually not harmless at all.
I hope you can find some good support for yourself x

what a massive shock this must be for you. You deserve better than this man.

I also urge you to go to the police OP.

Head office may try hushing it up and sweeping under the carpet for good PR, especially if its scouts or similar which have had paedophile leaders before.

Not implying your husband is a paedophile, but he is clearly a sexual predator.

I hope you're ok op x

Just checking in too OP, thinking of you. Agree with PP you sound absolutely lovely, hope you're ok

So sorry op. Very brave of you
Not to bury your head in the sand about this.
He is grim.

Have read the whole thread. Hope you're ok .

I'm so sorry op, what a shock for you.

I also echo the posters saying to approach the police, not the organisation.

I am very sorry about the baby. I hope you leave this man and find someone lovely to have a family with

Hopefully the OP has been to the police by now.

Is it ok to ask you OP, how he got her phone number?
It's just something I've been thinking about. My teen dd was on an overnight scouting camping trip last week, and only my number was requested on the registration and permission form, not hers.
Did he approach her directly for her number?

I understand completely if you'd rather not answer that. It's a horrific thing for you to be going through

Done. Thought I'd feel sick, but feeling ok and pretty numb at the moment. Not sure what the next few weeks/months/years will bring, but hoping something positive can actually come out of all this.

Thank you for the advice, comments and questions. I have read every single one and some have made me think more deeply or in a different way, which I am particularly grateful for.

You have done the right thing in very difficult circumstances. It is not as easy as some might think to ignore the feelings of loyalty that tie us to our partners. You instinctively knew that what you were reading was wrong and you carefully reflected on what to do next. Sending you kind thoughts. Take care of yourself.