Is this inappropriate?

[justtheonenamechange]

I've name changed for this as I didn't want it linked to my previous posts.

I've found the following text messages, which were written across several days during an activity week. The child is a girl in her mid-teens and the adult is a male in his 40s. The child attended the full week but the adult only attended the first few days. This is an exact transcript of the conversation, but with any identifying details taken out. Is the adult just being supportive/encouraging, or is this bordering on inappropriate? I would welcome any opinions please. Sorry it's quite long, but I didn't want to deliberately leave any of it out.

Adult:
If you look at the [place] I can see it from the [place]! Hope you enjoy the week. I knew you would love it, but I know you will miss me!!

Child:
I miss you already 😂. I hope I enjoy it, the jury is still out right now. Have a safe journey though 😊

Adult:
You will be asleep by now but possibly chatting away or shouting? Have a blast I miss [accommodation name] already 😉. Have fun, not too much I want you all to miss me!

Child:
[Accommodation name] is the best 😂. We‘ll have fun, but obviously we’ll miss you 😊.

Adult:
I know, my favourite [group] I guess!

Child:
I guess so 😂. You missed a great public soaking.

Adult:
Did you get footage?!
How was your theme night?
Had a very lonely boring day, just wondering how much fun I could have had 😞 with you.

Child:
Hiya, no. No footage, too busy hitting [name]. The theme night was good but very hot. You missed [name] dressed as a monk. I don’t think you’d have enjoyed [place] as it was hot. You are definitely missed 😕.

Adult:
Tomorrow looks lovely and hot. Another day where I watch my watch wondering what I’m missing. Enjoy the time it is the best time in my opinion. I miss you all.

Child:
Aww bless. I am trying to enjoy it, today was fun. We had the slip and slide out. We definitely miss you too.

Adult:
Did you get my wet willy in!
If not plenty of time left. Did I leave any credit in the canteen? If you don’t use it tell [name] to add it to the [charity name] fund. You should be asleep by now but I guess you are chatting away and about to get told to be quiet. I would not I would stand and listen!!

Child:
Yeah I did, haven’t had chance to use your credit, but I think we’ll use it on Friday. I thought you’d appreciate a little rule breaking 😂

Adult:
[Activity] rules like any are made to be broken and I can tell you most of them I have. I appreciate that and accept any punishment! Have a great time and I will be waiting when you come home as I need a set of keys and it’s a good excuse to see you.

Child:
Ok. Well I probably should go as it’s [name] out tonight 😬. See you when we get back. Try not to miss us too much!

Adult:
That would be a challenge for me in the old days. Goodnight 😉

Adult:
How’s it going? How’s the weather?

Child:
The weather is boiling. The [activity] thing was 💩

Adult:
Should have jumped in. Or chucked [name] in?
Looks a bit cooler tomorrow. Enjoy the last few days...

Child:
I’d rather chuck him in.
Not long left now.
We went on a late night [activity] tonight.

Adult:
Enjoy your last night, don’t eat too much chocolate! Had a nice week? Say the first few days were the best!!

Child:
It was alright. I survived. There’s been loads of sick people today 😬. It’ll be a good night.

Adult:
Going back? If all goes to plan you may have to put up with me all week 😁. Who is ill?

Child:
I might come back.
[name] and [name].

Adult:
I will if you will.....
[name] is gay, but [name].....
Have a great last day, I love it there. I will see you tomorrow afternoon.

Child:
Fine I’ll go.
We’ll have a good time!
See you tomorrow.

Adult:
Yeh. You will not regret it. Only the backlash of a prank or plenty more. Don’t eat too much crap, you will feel sick, unless it’s all gone already. Until next year!!!

Child:
I won’t eat too much. Don’t worry 😂.
I think I can handle the backlash of a prank

Adult:
Sounds like it has been smashed already? Your with the right man then! Goodnight [accommodation name] 😘

Child:
We haven’t eaten anything yet. See you tomorrow. Good night ☺️

Echoing what others have said that this is textbook grooming. Reading those messages gave me the chills as some could have been word for word what was sent to me by my abuser as a teenager.

This must be such a shock for you stay strong OP

You're doing the right thing

Crikey. I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry OP for everything you've been through. You mentioned the family day - you have DC? Are you dependent on your H or is making a break from him feasible at some point? What help will you need?

First, we got together when I was 15 and he was in his 20s. Read into that what you will Happened to my schoolfriend. Did you feel obligated in some way to marry him?

Thank you OP for being brave enough to report this and for doing so so decisively. You will know you have some hard times ahead and I respect your willingness to put this child first and not try to avoid or minimise the situation.

My skin is crawling reading those messages.

Initiating the conversations, blowing kisses, missing her, wet willy references and winky emojis?? And pointing out another kid is gay?! What's the relevance?

Your husband is a lecherous, creepy, scumbag. And a monumentally stupid one.

I'm so sorry for what he has done to you, and especially under the circumstances.

So inappropriate.

I’m so sorry about your baby and this must just be an awful realisation about your husband. He’s absolutely grooming her. Do you have other children? Apologies if you’ve answered that and I missed it.

perizadah

He is in a position of trust and should in no way be messaging this girl. At all.
She is still a child.

That is a good point. If the girl/woman/teen in question is or isn’t above the legal age is irrelevant.

He is a leader. His behaviour abuses his power and position of trust. It would be the same with a “boss” or superior at work, regardless of the person’s sex.

I feel like there is some sort of ‘institutionalized acceptance’ of inappropriate relationships within the group he attends...I think that not all the leaders aren’t necessarily aware of what is/isn’t acceptable

Op what does this mean? Are you saying you've witnessed other men in that group behaving inappropriately towards the young girls? Because that's deeply deeply concerning it there is a group of them working together to target young girls and using this group to give them access.

The legal age is 16 but I believe if you're in a position of power (teacher, the person is your patient and in this case, a group leader) the age is 18 and only if they aren't deemed vulnerable, someone correct me if I'm wrong. A teacher at my secondary school got involved with a 17 year old girl from another school. He was dismissed and not allowed to publicy teach for a set amount of years but the police took no action. They are married and have kids now. It's all about context and it looks like grooming to me as the girl is replying innocently and your husband is pushing it

If I had a relationship with any of my adult patients when I worked in healthcare I would have been sacked. When in any position of authority, it’s completely inappropriate to have a relationship with anyone who is in any way vulnerable.

I've just come to a few realisations and now I feel so stupid.

Please please don’t feel as if you’re in any way foolish. You are not the one grooming this young person, you are not the one taking advantage of your position, you’re not the creep. You are as much a victim as any young person that has been groomed and I’m sure you’re devastated by this and also questioning your whole reality. You have done absolutely nothing wrong and I think that you’re fucking amazing. So many victims of abuse can’t accept that the person that has abused them is abusing others, because that realisation affects every part of their life.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. Awful situation for you.

OP I lost the baby the following week.

Oh, this has broken me. I am so, sorry to read all of this & for what you have been through.

I could swear my head off with all that I think of your husband, but it will do you no good. Just make sure you get away from him, please.

None of this is ok.

OP, I really feel for you. I hope you have someone in real life to support you.

My skin crawls just reading those messages and I think your initial instinct that something is wrong was absolutely correct.

My kids are involved in some youth activities, and there are some very strict rules about how leaders and children interact. Leaders cannot contact the children directly, not even my almost-18-year-old. That DC meets with a mentor regularly but all arrangements for that have to be made by email with me copied in and the meetings happen in a public place. Leaders and children cannot add each other on social media. No adult is ever to be alone with a child, and if they give lifts then there need to be at least two adults who are not married to or in a relationship with each other, one of the same sex as the child, in the car. All the parents are aware of these rules and know who the safeguarding lead in the organisation is in case they need to report any concerns.

I've often been a bit frustrated at the rules, but reading those messages has made me realise how careful we need to be.

Oh love, I'm so sorry. You need to let the LADO know. That's person at the local authority who is responsible for investigating allegations against staff and volunteers. You can google the number or phone the NSPCC who will find it for you.

This is vitally important if you work with children or vulnerable adults. If you are found to know about inappropriate behaviour of another adult and to have not reported it, then it can affect your eligibility to work with vulnerable groups.

I don't mean to frighten you, just to give you the info. I'm so sorry you're going through this

I'm so sorry you are going through this

OP I’m so sorry but you have to report your husband. By finding those messages you should want to report him. If you sit back and do nothing when (and it’s when, not if) he physically crosses the line with this girl or one even younger you’ll have to live with yourself knowing you sat back and didn’t do anything when you knew full well your husband was grooming young girls. My maths tutors wife knew what was happening to me. She knew her husband was raping me and as much as I pity her I am almost as angry with her as I am with him. He should never have done what he did but she could have reported him and stopped it. In her shoes or yours I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t report.

Report the group and people in it to nspcc, social services, police etc. Im a mum, a wife and a teacher. And all ive read is completely inappropriate in all ways. Get yourself all the help you can get . Gp, meds, therapy. Look after yourself. Your story sounds horrible but you are not the monster here. And the monster wont defeat you. You deserve so much better and he needs to be stopped.
Massive hugs and hand holds op. This has nothing to do with you and is in noway a reflection of you.

So sorry @justtheonenamechange no advice you haven't already been given. Stay strong 💐 xx

OP, you mentioned that the other group leaders might not know what is appropriate (or inappropriate) or words to that effect? I can't quote directly sorry, I am using the app.

This really worried me. I don't know if you're minimising (no one could blame you, I wouldn't want this to be true of my H either), but if you're not it sounds as though the other leaders could be engaging in similar behaviour... please go higher than the team leader.

Please. If you're wrong, no harm done. If you're right, you could be saving some kids. Because they are still children at sixteen, even though they might think otherwise themselves.

So sorry you've found this out OP, but also glad that you have seen his true colours. I'm so so sorry for your loss

Lots of virtual hugs your way @justtheonenamechange. That must've made such uncomfortable/upsetting reading. Glad you're going to take action. Please look after yourself in the process too. Very sorry to hear of your loss

Thank you all. Your kind messages of support honestly mean so much. I'm going straight to Head Office with this.

Sorry I can't reply individually to all the questions as there have been so many. I have read and considered every single comment and question, and they have all helped me build a case to report.

Thank you.

Go to the police. Forget about head office if there's a possibility it won't be taken seriously.

I'd also check his phone and browsing history on any devices he uses also. A man that feels comfortable grooming someone under the age of 18 obviously sexualizes them too.

Head Office will take it seriously. It's a large organisation and they will want to investigate it properly. When referring to the issues I mentioned in a previous post, they only related to his unit.

If I did go to the police, could I do it anonymously?

I checked last night and all messages have been deleted from his phone. There is now no evidence apart from the photos I took, but that could have been on anyone's phone. This is such a mess.