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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this inappropriate?

364 replies

justtheonenamechange · 25/11/2019 12:42

I've name changed for this as I didn't want it linked to my previous posts.

I've found the following text messages, which were written across several days during an activity week. The child is a girl in her mid-teens and the adult is a male in his 40s. The child attended the full week but the adult only attended the first few days. This is an exact transcript of the conversation, but with any identifying details taken out. Is the adult just being supportive/encouraging, or is this bordering on inappropriate? I would welcome any opinions please. Sorry it's quite long, but I didn't want to deliberately leave any of it out.

Adult:
If you look at the [place] I can see it from the [place]! Hope you enjoy the week. I knew you would love it, but I know you will miss me!!

Child:
I miss you already 😂. I hope I enjoy it, the jury is still out right now. Have a safe journey though 😊

Adult:
You will be asleep by now but possibly chatting away or shouting? Have a blast I miss [accommodation name] already 😉. Have fun, not too much I want you all to miss me!

Child:
[Accommodation name] is the best 😂. We‘ll have fun, but obviously we’ll miss you 😊.

Adult:
I know, my favourite [group] I guess!

Child:
I guess so 😂. You missed a great public soaking.

Adult:
Did you get footage?!
How was your theme night?
Had a very lonely boring day, just wondering how much fun I could have had 😞 with you.

Child:
Hiya, no. No footage, too busy hitting [name]. The theme night was good but very hot. You missed [name] dressed as a monk. I don’t think you’d have enjoyed [place] as it was hot. You are definitely missed 😕.

Adult:
Tomorrow looks lovely and hot. Another day where I watch my watch wondering what I’m missing. Enjoy the time it is the best time in my opinion. I miss you all.

Child:
Aww bless. I am trying to enjoy it, today was fun. We had the slip and slide out. We definitely miss you too.

Adult:
Did you get my wet willy in!
If not plenty of time left. Did I leave any credit in the canteen? If you don’t use it tell [name] to add it to the [charity name] fund. You should be asleep by now but I guess you are chatting away and about to get told to be quiet. I would not I would stand and listen!!

Child:
Yeah I did, haven’t had chance to use your credit, but I think we’ll use it on Friday. I thought you’d appreciate a little rule breaking 😂

Adult:
[Activity] rules like any are made to be broken and I can tell you most of them I have. I appreciate that and accept any punishment! Have a great time and I will be waiting when you come home as I need a set of keys and it’s a good excuse to see you.

Child:
Ok. Well I probably should go as it’s [name] out tonight 😬. See you when we get back. Try not to miss us too much!

Adult:
That would be a challenge for me in the old days. Goodnight 😉

Adult:
How’s it going? How’s the weather?

Child:
The weather is boiling. The [activity] thing was 💩

Adult:
Should have jumped in. Or chucked [name] in?
Looks a bit cooler tomorrow. Enjoy the last few days...

Child:
I’d rather chuck him in.
Not long left now.
We went on a late night [activity] tonight.

Adult:
Enjoy your last night, don’t eat too much chocolate! Had a nice week? Say the first few days were the best!!

Child:
It was alright. I survived. There’s been loads of sick people today 😬. It’ll be a good night.

Adult:
Going back? If all goes to plan you may have to put up with me all week 😁. Who is ill?

Child:
I might come back.
[name] and [name].

Adult:
I will if you will.....
[name] is gay, but [name].....
Have a great last day, I love it there. I will see you tomorrow afternoon.

Child:
Fine I’ll go.
We’ll have a good time!
See you tomorrow.

Adult:
Yeh. You will not regret it. Only the backlash of a prank or plenty more. Don’t eat too much crap, you will feel sick, unless it’s all gone already. Until next year!!!

Child:
I won’t eat too much. Don’t worry 😂.
I think I can handle the backlash of a prank

Adult:
Sounds like it has been smashed already? Your with the right man then! Goodnight [accommodation name] 😘

Child:
We haven’t eaten anything yet. See you tomorrow. Good night ☺️

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 26/11/2019 08:06

"How to retrieve deleted WhatsApp messages: Simply uninstall and reinstall WhatsApp. When you reinstall the app, you will be prompted to restore your message history from the backup file. Select Restore and everything from the latest backup will be restored."

Looks like there are backups.

The police are bound to know if there are ways, I'd presume.

Auberjean · 26/11/2019 08:08

You do need to report to the police.

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/11/2019 08:08

@justtheonenamechange I really admire your strength. This must be so hard to cope with but you're facing up to it. The world would be so much better if more people did this. Take care of your self and make sure you have someone who will support you.

MaderiaCycle · 26/11/2019 08:09

www.stopitnow.org.uk

StickyParkin · 26/11/2019 08:10

OP, how extremely painful for you.

You are doing exactly the right thing going to Head Office. There is clearly no understanding of Safeguarding at the branch and this is serious.

I am lead safeguarding in our youth-facing organisation.

“Looking at the date of the messages, it was also the date he'd said he'd had a boring, lonely day. That hurts.”
The thing is, he wasn’t describing his actual day: telling s young person you are ‘lonely’ illicits their feeling that you are vulnerable, rather than a predator. It causes them to feel sympathetic , therefore emotionally involved, and it gives them the imaginative potential to be the one to not make you lonely. Ditto ‘bored ‘ . His description had nothing to do with his actual day.

The whole exchange as led by him is 100% inappropriate. Shouldn’t be Whatsapping an individual group member at all.

Has he got wind you are on to him and deleted?

So sorry about the baby.

MyFartWillGoOn · 26/11/2019 08:24

I've read this from start to finish and it's heartbreaking to see that veil come off but you seem incredibly brave and determined to act which I admire.

I won't go over that original conversation as others have said it all-not even inappropriate but downright creepy over the line.

You've absolutely done the right thing in screenshotting and the police will be able to tie it up with data usage and timings of messages despite them being deleted. WhatsApp also uses cloud storage so I'm sure that would help.

I also urge you to go to the police too. Although it seems like this girl has kept him at arms length, you have no idea what else has happened with other girls.

And I'm so so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. Do you have support IRL or some friends or family you could stay with?

StickyParkin · 26/11/2019 08:38

Actually getting advice from the NSPCC is a good idea. And the LADO. But the LADO needs to know to go to head office, not the area branch.

Windygate · 26/11/2019 08:39

What a horrible mess. He groomed you and now he's grooming this girl. You are being very brave facing up to this.

legoninjago1 · 26/11/2019 08:40

Oh gosh OP I'm sorry. You must stay with him. You will get hurt. Reading those messages made me nauseous and brought back nasty memories of being in a similar situation. He's in a position of trust over her so regardless of her age or anything she's done it's totally wrong of him. Not to mention he is married to you. For now at least. You'll get through this. Sorry for your loss also Thanks

legoninjago1 · 26/11/2019 08:40

*Must NOT

SunsetBoulevard3 · 26/11/2019 08:44

For Gods sake report this man and stop your child (I assume) from contacting him. It’s extremely inappropriate and disturbing.

MyFartWillGoOn · 26/11/2019 08:46

@SunsetBoulevard3 RTFT
She is reporting him, it's her husband and it appears she herself was groomed by him too.

SunsetBoulevard3 · 26/11/2019 08:49

I’m so sorry. I just read the other responses. Well done for having the courage to take action against your husband. How awful for you and what you’ve been through. 🌷

Greenglassteacup · 26/11/2019 08:57

I would go directly to the police OP and let them contact the head office for this group. This man groomed you and now he is grooming again, he’s dangerous. Have you got real life support?

sarahjconnor · 26/11/2019 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

xoxoluna · 26/11/2019 09:05

This is all so disgusting.

I'm so sorry OP. Sending you lots of support.

sarahjconnor · 26/11/2019 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reallynowdear · 26/11/2019 09:09

So sorry you are going through this OP.

Besidesthepoint · 26/11/2019 09:17

I'm so sorry that you are going through this OP.

KristinaM · 26/11/2019 09:22

Op, I hope you are doing ok, I imagine you’ve had a sleepless night.

Can I just say that you don’t need to “ build a case “ before you can report it ? You have the screen shots and the names of the people involved - that’s plenty.

The fact that he has her number and is texting her is already a breach of safeguarding rules, let alone the content of these messages. The inappropriate nature of the content is clear to anyone who works in this field - you don’t need to have a list of why you think it’s wrong or anything like that.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 26/11/2019 09:28

ALL activity can be retrieved from any phone by the police. It doesn't matter what website or app was used, it will be in the hard drive of the device and is totally permanent.

Mostlyhappy4 · 26/11/2019 09:43

I am so sorry you are in this situation, @justtheonenamechange. I am deeply sorry for your loss and then the newly horrendous realisation of what your husband is. I just to agree with Kristin am, though, I would go straight to police without gathering more evidence. Delaying would give him time to backtrack or 'work on you' if he's suspicious that you've seen the messages. The police have got enough evidence and they need to be enabled to act now before this girl and others became more dangerously groomed. I am so sorry for you but you are coming across here as brilliantly strong.

womenspeakout · 26/11/2019 10:01

I would report this to the police OP.

I haven't read the whole thread, only to where you say he's a group leader, no relation to her.

I'm sorry, it's grooming behaviour. Why is he texting her at night? Why is he saying he would stand and listen to her? A good excuse to see her,

The worst part for me was 'Did you fit my wet willy in?'. This is very creepy and it's interesting you say you were having issues at the time and also she has self esteem problems (children like that are often targets for abusers).

I'm so sorry this is your husband OP.

Awaywiththepiskies · 26/11/2019 10:02

As you can understand, the messages were very upsetting to read, particularly given our own personal background and things which were happening in our lives during the time he was sending the messages. I also recognise the fact that he is initiating the conversations and she is sensibly replying with shorter messages

Oh, OP I hope you're OK. Reading these messages must be more than upsetting - I read your transcript thinking that the adult was inappropriate & the child was trying to remain polite but politely trying to fend him off. IT's clear that the child likes the adult but not in any other way than liking another human being in a non-sexual way. But it's also clear that the adult is completely overstepping boundaries.

The most charitable explanation is that the adult is socially unaware and a doofus, an idiot. But he is also a grown up and should know much much better.

You are in a very hard place. I wish you strength for whatever you find you need to do Flowers

Yankeesocks · 26/11/2019 10:09

Very flirty.

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