Partner moving away just before birth

[Harmonysg85]

Hi. I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant (we planned for this baby) and my partner of nearly 4 years has just in the last 6 weeks started applying for jobs all over the country. Just a bit of context- he is very talented and hard working, but has been self employed for the duration of our relationship (unsuccessfully) and I have been supporting him for the full duration of our relationship as a result. This hasn’t been for lack of him trying, it’s just the way things have worked out but as you can imagine it has cost me greatly. I’ve gone from being very financially secure (always have a few thousand saved) to living in my overdraft and literally running out at the end of each month.

Now my maternity leave is fast approaching, we have agreed he needs to accept his business hasn’t worked out and he just needs to find a job now that brings in a regular income. The problem is, he is only willing to accept/apply for specific jobs as opposed to be willing to take anything and time has run out! So having applied unsuccessfully for everything going in his field locally, he is now looking all over the country. The most current job that he has set his heart on is 9 hours drive away.

Whilst I appreciate he is desperate to get his
career off the ground, I will only be taking 6 months maternity leave and as what he is looking for pays roughly 25k, there is no way he will be able to support me/bills here whilst funding his new life down South plus all of the travel/flights etc.

I feel after supporting him for such a long time, it is not asking too much for him to support me for this short window of time. Having earned nothing for so long, he thinks £25k is huge and will easily cover both. 🙈.

Finances aside, I’m in shock that he is so determined to up and leave just as the baby is due to be born. He will get no paternity with it being a new job and even though he thinks he will be back every weekend, there is no way this will be sustainable. I cannot go with him as I have a 14 year old son who is completely dependent on me half of every week (shared contact with his dad who works away the other half of the week).

The thing that is upsetting me is he is not taking into consideration my feelings at all, as I don’t feel at all happy him moving away such a distance. He is from a family where working away for long periods of time is normal, but those weeks away are always followed by weeks back home and a fat salary cheque. He thinks I am being completely selfish wanting him to stay here as he feels he needs to do what it takes to pursue his career. I’m feeling hormonal and delicate and can’t stop crying. Am I being selfish?

He’s essentially saying he doesn’t want to be with you.

Someone is being selfish here and it’s not you. Is he actually for real?

Prepare to be a single parent

Sounds like a combination of two different kinds of cold feet about becoming a Dad - the kind where they frantically start worrying about money and work, as it hits them that they need to support this small person, and the kind where they go all head in the sand and want to get as far away as possible.
Unfortunately while you are not being unreasonable at ALL, he sounds so selfish and stuck in his idea of what is the right thing to do that he's completely lost sight of your needs and that you are a family unit.
Has he got form for this level of selfishness, stubbornness and lack of empathy? It might not be possible to get through to him if he's proposing this sort of set up. Unless there is someone in the family who could sit him down and tell him to sort his life the fuck out, if he won't listen to you.

He's selfish and clueless ... and sounds like he's bailing. Sorry, OP.

If you think he's not bailing, I would sit down and show him what £25k looks like when it's divided by 12 for a monthly income ... less taxes, NI, and then show him the bills and living costs just from your household. Remind him he'll be having similar in his 'second home'. He needs a serious wake up call. His response will tell you what you need to know ... man child or man who is going to step up and take responsibility for you and his child.

He’s being selfish. New baby but yeah I’ll move 9 hours away and come back every weekend. This will dwindle down to once every other week then maybe once a month then it will be less than that.

It’s a piss take he’s drained your savings and left you high and dry. Take him to then cms and have done with him.

Sorry OP, but what a loser you've landed yourself with.

Show your 14 year old that such selfishness is unacceptable. Get rid of this awful excuse for a father and partner.

I'm really sorry OP but the fact he's even considering this isn't showing great future signs for your relationship.
He should want to be with you and his child, he should prioritise any job right now that means that can happen.
You have been too generous, it's clearly all about what he wants and that's not a relationship.
The resentment is just going to continue to build unless he makes some serious changes.
I wish you every bit of luck in the world. X

Do you think he's looking for jobs that are far away so that you'll tell him it doesn't matter and he should stick to self employment rather than being so far away?

This has never had the chance to be a normal relationship - you've subsidised his whims the whole way through. And I'm self employed... I know it's hard. If he's made no money and relied on you completely, he needed to supplement his self employment a long time ago. And now he needs to get a job, and you're also asking him to have a normal relationship and stop indulging his whims for the sake of your family... that's not unreasonable, but it seems wholly unrealistic.

I'd prepare to be doing this without him one way or another; and see what he does. He'd be making a very clear choice to go work on the other side of the country for £25k.

I assume he's had approx 9 months to find a job

His actions, seem to show that he's not that interested
Does he realise how much it costs to rent & travel ?

I am so sorry but you have a man who is either completely selfish and lacking in empathy or emotionally disconnected.

How old is? I just wonder if he has got through life with others looking after him and he has never had to stand on his own 2 feet. 25k in the south is going to be difficult to manage on, let alone return home regularly.

When some people are so self absorbed they literally cannot think of anyone else but themselves. My guess is you have never had to depend on him and when you do he will show up as lacking.

Thanks, my family are literally in shock at his intentions. I have had to turn to them for financial help when we do run out and they have been urging him to get part time work to supplement the income for months. He has absolutely refused.

His family on the other hand are backing him to the hilt and seem to have no regard for the situation it has put me in. His mum is paying for travel to long distance interviews. Several of my family members have tried to speak to him about it but he’s now angry and bitter towards them and cut himself off.

He has been offered a job (4 hours a night) which would still give him plenty of day time to pursue what he is pursuing but he is quite adamant he will be taking long distance ones over that.

I basically am having to slowly accept I’m going to need to put this place on the market and move in with my parents 😢.

It’s just a bit soul destroying after working so hard to build a home. I have worked 6 days a week for most of our relationship to support us all and even taken extra bits of of evening and weekend freelance work to cover the shortfall and now I feel like I’m about to lose everything

Did you not discuss all this when you planned your baby? Bit late know but shouldn’t he have sorted his job etc before you conceived?

Oh wow. You’ve supported him for years and he’s burnt through your savings and now he’s fucking off! So selfish. He only cares about himself! What business has he been trying to make work? He’s leaving you with the baby and an overdraft. 25k down south is nothing! Have you worked out how much take home pay that is and the costs of renting etc? You’ve been used. What other support do you have for when this baby arrives? Don’t give him any more money.

I’ve just read that your parents have bailed you out and he’s refused to work part time! Wow. Why have you put up with this? He’s disgusting. Tell him to move out. He can start fending for himself. Who’s going to support him if you don’t? He’s not your child!! Get rid of this user and claim benefits and lodge a cms claim when he is working. Sadly you’ve been to nice and you’ve allowed yourself and your family to be used and taken advantage of!

Why the hell did you plan a baby with someone you've been financially carrying for your whole relationship? Were you desperate for a baby? Just seems v unwise when you couldn't afford life anyway.

Besides that he sounds like a dreamer, an unreliable optimist. Doesn't sound like he has any idea of how life with a baby will be, concentrate on yourself and your DC, you can't rely on this man.

I know in my heart of hearts he is not invested in me/us and I need to prepare to be a single parent. I think I’ve been in a slight element of denial for a few months. It would be easier if he just came clean and told me to my face. I think I just need to hear it from an unbiased perspective.

So your cock lodger boyfriend is planning on moving away now you're about to have a baby and are no longer prepared to support his cock lodging?

I think the sort of person he is was evident when he watched you go into financial insecurity to support his playing at self employment but you have ignored it.

You are effectively a single parent. Plan accordingly.

Are you currently renting or owned? Is his name on anything? Kick him out and claim single parent benefits? Claim housing benefit. Have you looked into that? Do you get maintenance for your 14 year old? Work out what you’ll have coming in if you claim everything you should.

His family have facilitated him and he’s never had to stand on his own two feet!

I wouldn’t be continuing a relationship with someone like this.

Oh god I missed the bit about your 14 year old.

I'm so sorry. I know it's not much in the face of all this but at least you have your parents in your corner. It does sound a bit like financial abuse on his part - these are all very deliberate choices he is making.

And I think it would be worth considering doing the Freedom Programme. Your perspective of what is normal and acceptable in a relationship is very far off what it should be