Partner moving away just before birth

[Harmonysg85]

Hi. I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant (we planned for this baby) and my partner of nearly 4 years has just in the last 6 weeks started applying for jobs all over the country. Just a bit of context- he is very talented and hard working, but has been self employed for the duration of our relationship (unsuccessfully) and I have been supporting him for the full duration of our relationship as a result. This hasn’t been for lack of him trying, it’s just the way things have worked out but as you can imagine it has cost me greatly. I’ve gone from being very financially secure (always have a few thousand saved) to living in my overdraft and literally running out at the end of each month.

Now my maternity leave is fast approaching, we have agreed he needs to accept his business hasn’t worked out and he just needs to find a job now that brings in a regular income. The problem is, he is only willing to accept/apply for specific jobs as opposed to be willing to take anything and time has run out! So having applied unsuccessfully for everything going in his field locally, he is now looking all over the country. The most current job that he has set his heart on is 9 hours drive away.

Whilst I appreciate he is desperate to get his
career off the ground, I will only be taking 6 months maternity leave and as what he is looking for pays roughly 25k, there is no way he will be able to support me/bills here whilst funding his new life down South plus all of the travel/flights etc.

I feel after supporting him for such a long time, it is not asking too much for him to support me for this short window of time. Having earned nothing for so long, he thinks £25k is huge and will easily cover both. 🙈.

Finances aside, I’m in shock that he is so determined to up and leave just as the baby is due to be born. He will get no paternity with it being a new job and even though he thinks he will be back every weekend, there is no way this will be sustainable. I cannot go with him as I have a 14 year old son who is completely dependent on me half of every week (shared contact with his dad who works away the other half of the week).

The thing that is upsetting me is he is not taking into consideration my feelings at all, as I don’t feel at all happy him moving away such a distance. He is from a family where working away for long periods of time is normal, but those weeks away are always followed by weeks back home and a fat salary cheque. He thinks I am being completely selfish wanting him to stay here as he feels he needs to do what it takes to pursue his career. I’m feeling hormonal and delicate and can’t stop crying. Am I being selfish?

I've read through most of this thread and I understand why everyone is saying what they're saying, some from bitter experience on their own part. It is easy for us all to say f*ck him off! I also understand how difficult it must be and how vulnerable you must feel when you're so close to having your baby. It can be lonely and isolating having a little one. You love this man and he is the baby's father, so it's also understandable that you want to try everything possible to make it work. I guess I would say that we all have our limits and you have to decide where yours is. It may work out and if it does that's great. I would say just make sure he is pulling his weight, especially financially. Equally, there may also come a point where you reach your limit and decide that it is time to move forward without him as your partner. You sound like a strong, self sufficient woman and though it would be painful I'm sure you could do it. Maybe give it a suitable amount of time to see how things pan out with you both working at it. But don't waste too much time if it becomes clear that things are not going to change enough to your satisfaction. I'm sure I'm not the only one who gave relationships way longer than I should have and you can't get that time back.

I don't know if this is something you've aleady spoken about since he is back and working now. But I think he needs to stop running to his mother's whenever you have a disagreement and stick around to try and work it out. He can't just run off when he wants especially when the baby comes.

Anyway, take care.

You dont need to give him a chance to do his best. You have given him chances. Chance after chance and he hasn't come through, and each time you have explained it away.

This is just what is coming across in this thread. Reality may be quite different. It is up to you.

Thank you Laolahlao. Yes, it is obviously something I want - to try and be a family unit this time. I have been there and done the single parent thing throughout my whole 20’s with my now teenager. I agree, it can be a fully rewarding experience and much better than trying to battle through day after day of a terrible relationship. But when I wrote this thread, that’s not what I wrote. We have a good relationship very much most of the time but have had to suffer some really difficult blows financially/job wise which has put strain on us.

I’d just really like to be able to look back and put this down to being a bad season for my partner and see him pull through and come out the other side.

I know it’s easy to just tell people to F off, but it would be a bit tragic wouldn’t it if I did that, he got sorted and missed the opportunity to be a fantastic dad ( which I know he will be and I don’t say that lightly).

What did you want everyone to say given your original post? What would you say to a friend who said what you have said?

A great dad is someone who provides for his family, and isn't just there for the fun stuff. A minute ago this guy was planning to leave you and move hours away just as you were about to give birth with no money to help you house and feed your baby. How, on anyone's planet is this the behaviour of a great dad?

He has said the right things but not yet done the right things. I really hope he pulls it together but I strongly advise you to have a watertight back up plan just in case.

@Harmonysg85
For what it's worth I think you've done the right thing....you have to remember that MN will always favour "leaving the bastard"! because there is inherit opinions on this site that men no matter what they do or don't do are nor worth any time or effort!

You say he's tried really hard to find a job, obviously he's in panic mode with a baby so close and he's given you money whenever he's had any. Yes he sounds naive about how much things cost and running a business but lesson learned for both of you. And yes I would have involved his mother as well as it sounds like he s a bit of a man child - but if he's an inherently good man and you love him then it's worth giving it a chance x

OP it is incredible the hoops you are jumping through to try to imagine that this man is in any miniscule way 'good'.
You say you want to have a family unit - but you don't have a family with this man, you have an uninvested freeloading man-child. That he was willing to move away when you're about to have his child, says so much - it's just so obvious OP, we shouldn't have to spell it out to you.
Yet you want to ignore all his bad traits, his freeloading, his lack of attachment to you and your upcoming baby, put a positive spin on any tiny pathetic glimmer of hope he throws your way, and blame yourself for problems in the relationship, in his mental health etc.

I wish you all the best OP, but posters above can see clearly what this awful man is all about, and are giving you excellent warnings and advice.

I think I'd struggle with a partner that comes and goes home to Mum every time there is a problem.

OP you keep talking about HIS wants and needs, HIS feelings and HIS MH. What about yours? YOU have been keeping the ship afloat, YOU have been there for him through thick and thin, YOU have been there to support him mentally and financially, yet when YOU need HIM, he ups and buggers off to his Mums.

Not a terrible relationship? You have supported him through alcoholism apparently, he has cost you the financial peace of mind you used to have, he was planning to take a job nine hours away when you are close to giving birth and at the start of the thread you were talking about having to sell your house, he runs off to his mum when you get emotional about it. That is just off the top of my head.
It is not really a great relationship either, to be honest.
But you have a baby on the way, he is promising to come good, so let’s hope he does.

So your aggressive, alcoholic, 'depressed' mummy's boy is going to be a great dad....good luck!

OP are you putting up with his shitty behaviour because you don’t want to be on your own?

unenployment has not been for lack of trying you said he refused to get a job that wasn’t graphic des. If he really wanted to support you and was committed to your relationship he would have taken any job ages ago, not now that the shit has hit then fan. He’s happily watched you work and burn through your savings at his expense. I cannot fathom how you think it will get better.

Hi OP. If the part time job and your maternity pay is going to keep you all a float, then it will work for the time being. Is the plan that you will go back to work in 6 months time earning a good wage and he will continue part time/doing freelance graphic design work? I would get him to agree that if that will be the case, he needs to act as the SAHP and you'll use minimal childcare to accommodate his part time/freelance work. I've never heard of a SAHM getting to launch into a new career when they are at home, basically the options for them are to work part time or study. He needs to realise if you're the earner, he will need to be the SAHP. He's having a child and at this point in time, you are more established in your career than he is so he'll need to support you in bringing in the dough so to speak. He will have plenty time to pursue a career when you qualify for free funded hours when your child is 3 and when they go to school. Don't fall into a trap of going back to work and paying for childcare for him to earn essentially nothing. He will need to accept that part time work/freelance is his near future and that's that.

FYI, he needs to talk to someone about how to get payments in and how to structure them so that he doesn't lose out if the client fobs him off if he's going to continue freelancing along side his part time job

Good Luck to you and your baby OP...

My Mum always prioritised the wasters in her life over my sister and I.

Don't for one second think your DC will thank you for it, OP.

In fact, they'll feel nothing for you other than contempt.

So better to pull the plug and walk away and always assume the absolute worst rather than giving the father of my child a chance to do his best for us?

Yes. You've already tied yourself in knots. You've already demonstrated this as a relationship to your son... and you'll remember your pregnancy because of this. And you're blindly refusing to believe that he's capable of knowing what he's doing, it's all just circumstance; it's all not his fault. You'll forgive anything while you're treating this like it's some kind of star crossed lovers story, where he'll grow up and do you right in the end, and you'll be telling your great, great grandchildren how glad you are that you stayed...

In reality, people are trying to make you see that he may never step up to the mark. He may always be planning a big dream that doesn't pay off. He may always have his foot out of the door to run home or across the country or wherever else he'd like to be... at least try and make a back up plan. Have something in place until he's done something to prove to you that he's in this for the long term and will take some responsibility.

For what it's worth, I'm with your parents on this. All the best with the rest of your pregnancy; whatever you choose. I genuinely hope that if you rely on him, he doesn't let you down.