Partner moving away just before birth

[Harmonysg85]

Hi. I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant (we planned for this baby) and my partner of nearly 4 years has just in the last 6 weeks started applying for jobs all over the country. Just a bit of context- he is very talented and hard working, but has been self employed for the duration of our relationship (unsuccessfully) and I have been supporting him for the full duration of our relationship as a result. This hasn’t been for lack of him trying, it’s just the way things have worked out but as you can imagine it has cost me greatly. I’ve gone from being very financially secure (always have a few thousand saved) to living in my overdraft and literally running out at the end of each month.

Now my maternity leave is fast approaching, we have agreed he needs to accept his business hasn’t worked out and he just needs to find a job now that brings in a regular income. The problem is, he is only willing to accept/apply for specific jobs as opposed to be willing to take anything and time has run out! So having applied unsuccessfully for everything going in his field locally, he is now looking all over the country. The most current job that he has set his heart on is 9 hours drive away.

Whilst I appreciate he is desperate to get his
career off the ground, I will only be taking 6 months maternity leave and as what he is looking for pays roughly 25k, there is no way he will be able to support me/bills here whilst funding his new life down South plus all of the travel/flights etc.

I feel after supporting him for such a long time, it is not asking too much for him to support me for this short window of time. Having earned nothing for so long, he thinks £25k is huge and will easily cover both. 🙈.

Finances aside, I’m in shock that he is so determined to up and leave just as the baby is due to be born. He will get no paternity with it being a new job and even though he thinks he will be back every weekend, there is no way this will be sustainable. I cannot go with him as I have a 14 year old son who is completely dependent on me half of every week (shared contact with his dad who works away the other half of the week).

The thing that is upsetting me is he is not taking into consideration my feelings at all, as I don’t feel at all happy him moving away such a distance. He is from a family where working away for long periods of time is normal, but those weeks away are always followed by weeks back home and a fat salary cheque. He thinks I am being completely selfish wanting him to stay here as he feels he needs to do what it takes to pursue his career. I’m feeling hormonal and delicate and can’t stop crying. Am I being selfish?

OP, it is highly likely he could get remote work with his skills and trade. It is very common indeed. Why is he not applying for jobs and saying he could work from home? Is he, do you think? That may still entail interviews at Head Office in the South.

Honestly he has spent the last few months applying for jobs remotely. He really has tried. I think this is out of desperation as company’s who have shown an interest in him have gone on to lose this as soon as he mentions the word remote.

I am not the strong, independent happy go lucky girl I was when he first met me

I think he is the type of man that needs a "mum" someone who provides for him and is never vulnerable or needy.

Once you had (very reasonable ) expectations of him he has bailed.

Think about it, he has relied on a single mum to finance him for years. If you strip away the romance and see his character then is he really someone you love? I have no doubt he gets on very well with a 14year old boy as he doesn't seem to have developed into an adult.

Please don't blame yourself, this is on HIM, if it wasn't pregnancy you may have got ill and he would have let you down. It was only a matter of time..I don't think he can cope with you being vulnerable. The arguing is because you are expecting him to step up.

Btw, 25k for a web designer in the South is entry level. There would always be projects and definitely the chance to work remotely. I know at least 2 who I have worked with yet never met as not necessary.

So what if he spent the whole pregnancy thinking the baby would have his name? You spent the whole pregnancy thinking your DP would step up and support you. Things change.

I would plan for being a single parent. Can you release some equity from your house to help you out? Rent out your house rather than sell it? Have you ever overpaid in your mortgage? If so some providers will let you take a mortgage break up to the value of the overpayments. Are you entitled to any benefits with him out of the picture?

He’s been awfully messed around by clients who have just disappeared after he has done the work for them and a multitude of things.

It doesn't sound like he did enough research into how either of those markets work. I work closely with both. I don't know anyone who'd start any type of creative work without being paid upfront - clients expect that. A form of Escrow at the very least...

He will struggle with finding a company who are happy to pay him to work remotely. They'll worry that he's going to try and use their time to launch his own business and as soon as it takes off, leave them in the lurch. He'd need to work hard to dispel that.

To be honest it doesn't sound like he is trying particularly hard for anything, although I appreciate that you know him better and perhaps he is just very unlucky and not very business smart. Does he have up to date skills? A portfolio? Is he still living off you right now, or are his family subsidising him while he lines up a move far away from you and his baby?

OP ... you have been shafted.. he's bled you dry and is now off to pastures new without you.. and dear lordy.. please don't even consider giving your child this cocklodger cretins surname..

I basically am having to slowly accept I’m going to need to put this place on the market and move in with my parents 😢.

Could you move in with them and rent your place out? I know it might not be straightforward but could be something to think about, hopefully the rent would cover the mortgage and eventually you’d be in a position to move back in once you’re back at work.

Yes I would definitely rent it out rather than sell it. I know I can support us again when I’m back working post maternity leave. Freezing the mortgage isn’t an option with my current mortgage provider. He moved out yesterday (back to his mums house) as I spent the whole of Friday night sobbing and he couldn’t deal with it. If he really intended to up and leave and walk away I don’t think he would have a problem telling me upfront. It all feels very confusing as I’m getting so many mixed messages. You are right about the vulnerability thing though. I have noticed that the times I am vulnerable and need extra help/support are the times when he has tended to disappear & leave. It happened after my surgery last year. He visited me in hospital every day and helped out practically with my son but as soon as I came home and needed him he couldn’t couldn’t cope with that and left. Most of the time though he is fantastic and really helps me out with cooking/housework and with long school runs.

He used to run a clothing company and only started freelancing as a web and graphic designer this year. The reason he didn’t take payments upfront was because he was just getting started and wanted to offer his first few clients the chance to only pay if they were happy. He actually has a great portfolio and regularly receives a lot of positive feedback regarding this. I think there is just genuinely lots and lots of people applying for the same jobs as him.

I'm confused - he used to run a clothing company and has only started as a freelance designer this year but you've supported him for the last 4 years?

I work with graphic designers and we use a lot of freelance ones. There is work, everywhere. No one does work upfront for free and then hopes they get paid - that's just idiotic. I'm freelance and I never, ever work for free. My work is worth money.

You need to wake up and smell the coffee. This bloke has been taking you for a ride and he still is. Your baby deserves better than this.

Have been reading this with horror and then get to the payoff that he's a web designer... And can't get a better job than 25k 9 hours from home?! Chuck this fish back in the sea, OP. This is one career where there are a lot of jobs and a lot of money to be earned.

I bet he hasn't told his family this is a planned baby either. They've probably been all worried that he's saddled himself with a woman with a kid who's now managed to get herself knocked up by some sleight of hand.

He's spinning his narrative to make himself look good and you're all taken in

You are right about the vulnerability thing though. I have noticed that the times I am vulnerable and need extra help/support are the times when he has tended to disappear & leave. It happened after my surgery last year.

So .... you've intentionally picked a man to father your child who you already know bails on you when the going gets tough. So his current behaviour was entirely predictable, frankly. I'd cut your losses and plan to go it alone from here on out. Why put your kids through his unreliability and selfishness.

No this isn’t the case. They knew we planned this baby and have been very excited for both of us. They have showered me with gifts and been very sweet to me. They obviously love him very much and just want to see him happy and fulfilled. I think they are supporting his decision to work long distance if a good job arises because they genuinely think he deserves a chance at a good job. Yes it is entry level, but he is entry level having worked in clothing for years. He has all the up to date skills and is always learning.

He sounds pretty useless financially and you've kind of ignored that for a long time.

I'd just end the relationship and go it alone. He's poor role model to have around your DS.

If he was all sorted and bailed when I needed him, that would feel different. But he has been dealing with his own anxiety/depression and I think it has been more of ‘I don’t have the capacity to cope with her needs.’

He's abandoning you and the baby love. He will likely dip in and out of the baby's life for all the good bits and none of the actual parenting. Maybe consider some therapy as to why you got here with this kind of man who has so very little to offer you. Best of luck with the baby.

OMG! It's a mess you are it, the things some women do for love eh? So, you've said what's happened so far - tbh, it's not great decision-making that has lead you to this point. But here you are, so you need to draw a line under what's happened and sort your future out.
Firstly, stop making excuses for him, accept that he's cost you financially, then make sure he is not the reason you lose any more security - your baby needs you to be as strong as possible. Focus on you and the baby, plan for him not being in the equation. Surround yourself with family and supportive friends. Once you know where you are at in life and stable in yourself, you will realise that he has been the source of a lot of drama and worry in your life. There will be others who will support you better. You can, and should do this without him.

Oh OP WAKE THE HELL UP!?

He's leaving because the baby is DUE.... and the money has run out...

He's not going to look back and his Family will never tell you where he is, so you can forget CMS.

FFS wake up.

He is a cocklodger and a car crash.
Why you have been allowing him to bleed you dry financially when you already have a child to support is beyond me.
And now you are intentionally having his baby!
Don't put his name on the birth certificate. In all probability he won't be around to register the birth anyway. Give baby your surname not his.
You won't be getting any child maintenance from him so consider your finances very carefully.
You might be entitled to UC while on maternity leave and pay. Depends on equity from your house sale.

Also, never again fall for and live in hope, for the man with "potential". Assume what you get is the best of them when you meet and base their suitability on that - people rarely improve with age, especially by 30's. if not on a path and getting there by 3rd decade it's likely downhill from there 🤔

Assume what you get is the best of them when you meet and base their suitability on that

I must agree with this.

I had a pie in the sky dreamer ExBF. It wasn't for me. I ended it, because I'm realistic, not a dreamer.

has been self employed for the duration of our relationship (unsuccessfully) and I have been supporting him for the full duration of our relationship as a result.....I’m in shock that he is so determined to up and leave just as the baby is due to be born
What did you expect - seriously?
You've spent 4 years enabling this man child in pursuing a hobby that doesn't bring in a decent income!

Now he's fucking off after bleeding you dry - and avoiding taking on financial responsibility for anyone but himself.

The script was there in front of you the whole time.
The best you can do now is put in a claim for maintenance once DC is here.

Quit sticking the damn boot in. Poor woman is nearly ready to give birth and being abandoned. Sure she needs to reflect on what on Earth led her here but everyone giving her a kicking isn't going to help. Does it make you feel good to kick a vulnerable woman?

she's being given a wake-up call - not a kick.