Partner moving away just before birth

[Harmonysg85]

Hi. I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant (we planned for this baby) and my partner of nearly 4 years has just in the last 6 weeks started applying for jobs all over the country. Just a bit of context- he is very talented and hard working, but has been self employed for the duration of our relationship (unsuccessfully) and I have been supporting him for the full duration of our relationship as a result. This hasn’t been for lack of him trying, it’s just the way things have worked out but as you can imagine it has cost me greatly. I’ve gone from being very financially secure (always have a few thousand saved) to living in my overdraft and literally running out at the end of each month.

Now my maternity leave is fast approaching, we have agreed he needs to accept his business hasn’t worked out and he just needs to find a job now that brings in a regular income. The problem is, he is only willing to accept/apply for specific jobs as opposed to be willing to take anything and time has run out! So having applied unsuccessfully for everything going in his field locally, he is now looking all over the country. The most current job that he has set his heart on is 9 hours drive away.

Whilst I appreciate he is desperate to get his
career off the ground, I will only be taking 6 months maternity leave and as what he is looking for pays roughly 25k, there is no way he will be able to support me/bills here whilst funding his new life down South plus all of the travel/flights etc.

I feel after supporting him for such a long time, it is not asking too much for him to support me for this short window of time. Having earned nothing for so long, he thinks £25k is huge and will easily cover both. 🙈.

Finances aside, I’m in shock that he is so determined to up and leave just as the baby is due to be born. He will get no paternity with it being a new job and even though he thinks he will be back every weekend, there is no way this will be sustainable. I cannot go with him as I have a 14 year old son who is completely dependent on me half of every week (shared contact with his dad who works away the other half of the week).

The thing that is upsetting me is he is not taking into consideration my feelings at all, as I don’t feel at all happy him moving away such a distance. He is from a family where working away for long periods of time is normal, but those weeks away are always followed by weeks back home and a fat salary cheque. He thinks I am being completely selfish wanting him to stay here as he feels he needs to do what it takes to pursue his career. I’m feeling hormonal and delicate and can’t stop crying. Am I being selfish?

In the nicest way, why have you tied yourself to this waster? What part of his actions for the last 6 years made you think he would be a good father and provider?

You'd be better kicking him out and seeing what benefits you are eligible for, which is a pisstake when he's perfectly able to get a job but won't get his head out of the clouds.

Decision to have the baby came as a result of discovering a large tumour in my pituitary gland which is benign but needs dealing with and radiotherapy (the next step) was going to make it very difficult to have children. I’m 34 and he is 31. I obviously will love this baby and really believed he was
Invested/felt the same. I never in a million years thought he wouldn’t get sorted or be at least willing to work any job to carry me through my maternity period. Even if he worked part time, we would be able to support this baby together. When I go back to work, I earn enough to feel I deserve to have another child. It’s just the way things have unravelled. But yes it’s absolutely not ok how vulnerable and unprepared I feel right now and I feel like I’ve been very foolish 😣

Kick him out
Get a paying lodger
Or
Rent out the whole property, if you go back to your parents

All I can say is ensure baby has your surname.

If he is 9 hours away he won’t be in bc.

When child is born, put in claim for child maintenance (even if he is unemployed)

If he had a good self employed business plan, he could have borrowed from a bank
Or
He could have worked FT or PT & started his own business using his own savings

I work FT & I have a business that I run in my own time, at profit

He's applying for jobs miles away, because that is where he is planning to go !

Why did you & your family lend & support to someone who was not employed ?

Employers are advertising for Christmas temporary workers, what's his excuse for local employment ?

What a selfish sod. Sounds like a baby looks like too much work for this lazy fucker. Plan a future without him and take as much as you can get financially. His family might sing another tune when they want to see their Grandchild - then you can tell them to fuck right off.

His family on the other hand are backing him to the hilt and seem to have no regard for the situation it has put me in. His mum is paying for travel to long distance interviews. Several of my family members have tried to speak to him about it but he’s now angry and bitter towards them and cut himself off.

Because they all know something you don’t: he’s leaving you.

He’s just too much of a coward to actually tell you until his new life is set up for him to flee to. In the meantime he’s happy to let you continue funding his life, once he has a job he’ll be off and then from a distance telling you it’s over (or slowly letting you realise that).

A man with a baby a few weeks away trying to move hours away is leaving his partner and doesn’t give a shit about the baby either. What an absolute dick. Even if he was finished with the relationship, if he was remotely honourable he’d be staying close by to support you practically and financially and be a father, but he isn’t.

I’m so sorry. I would just end it now rather than put yourself through the indignity of slowly watching him walk away from you and your child.

And make no mistake: his family know he’s leaving you too. It’s a horrible awful degrading sinking feeling when you realise everyone but you knew. He’s willing to do that to you. What a pathetic cowardly excuse for a person. You’re the last to know, and he’s done this to you while heaving pregnant. Just unreal.

we planned for this baby
What were your plans? Did they go wrong?

he is very talented and hard working, but has been self employed for the duration of our relationship (unsuccessfully) and I have been supporting him for the full duration of our relationship
Sounds to me like you are the talented, hard-working one, not him?

I’ve gone from being very financially secure (always have a few thousand saved) to living in my overdraft and literally running out at the end of each month.
He has bled you dry. What does he have to say about that?

he is only willing to accept/apply for specific jobs as opposed to be willing to take anything and time has run out!
No wonder his business wasn't a success if he can't even manage this level of organisation.

I’m feeling hormonal and delicate and can’t stop crying. Am I being selfish?
If you honestly feel in any way as if you are the selfish one here, he's really done your head in.

He's taken your savings, left you pregnant, in debt and maybe lost you your home, and is now fucking off as far away as he can?
Don't let him have any more of your money. I hope he has not got access to your account?
Once he is out of your life and no longer draining away your finances, will you be able to support yourself?

Oh, I was a bit slow. Glad to hear you earn enough to have another child.
I'm sorry to hear that you have been taken in by this conman. Don't feel ashamed that you didn't see it coming - we are all programmed to assume that people are being honest and decent unless we have proof that they are not, and even then we still tend to trust people anyway. medium.com/wake-up-call/malcolm-gladwell-on-why-we-cant-tell-when-someone-s-lying-32ab4df948bc

Just make sure he has no further access to your money. The idea of renting out your place until you can build up funds again sounds good, would that work?

He is living in cloud cuckoo land OP if he thinks he is going to easily be self supporting in the South on £25 K a year and have enough left over to help support you.
I have adult DC's who earn around that but still live at home in order to be able to save.

Oh harmony, I'm so sorry. You need to figure out what's best for you and both your DCs, even if that means moving back in with your family for a bit.
What appalling selfishness from him.

I guess he just not that into you OP. He sounds like a lazy mummy’s boy cock lodger.
You’ve tried very hard and it’s not worked. Unfortunate this didn’t come to light before you got pregnant but as long as you would have wanted the baby anyway due to your medical condition fair enough. Hope all goes well with that too OP.
Moving near your parents would be good if you can afford to. Your 14 year old would probably appreciate a bit of space.

Thanks for your insight everyone. I’m very sad to feel like I’m waking up to this but am preparing myself now for what’s to come. I’ll be contacting estate agents this week and start putting things in place. My son is going to be devastated as he adores him (he has genuinely been great with him). But yes I feel confused as to what’s going to happen in terms of what the surname etc should be. I have taken my sons surname so that we have the same one but I know all the way through this pregnancy my partner has been expecting the baby to have his surname.

I do love him and feel like he has had good intentions and a lot of bad misfortune, but his intentions for the future are very telling and it’s quite blatantly obvious I’m not as important as I thought I was to him. I think the fact that he has chosen to ignore my needs and feelings is what has put the nail in the coffin.

As things have been tough and pressured, we’ve argued a lot lately and things have been very tense. I feel like I have pushed him away as I am not the strong, independent happy go lucky girl I was when he first met me. But it has been unbelievably tough supporting us all on my own and now that I’m heavily pregnant I feel like I’m just hanging in there. I literally can’t believe that he is willing to up and leave as his baby is born.

Give your new baby your surname . If things change ( very doubtful it can be changed in the future but your oldest day won’t change his .

If he is 9 hours away won’t be on bc anyway. You will be doing it all.

Why would you even consider giving the baby his surname? What's his business anyway, what does he do?

Now my maternity leave is fast approaching, we have agreed he needs to accept his business hasn’t worked out and he just needs to find a job now that brings in a regular income. The problem is, he is only willing to accept/apply for specific jobs as opposed to be willing to take anything and time has run out! So having applied unsuccessfully for everything going in his field locally, he is now looking all over the country. The most current job that he has set his heart on is 9 hours drive away.

From what you've said, time has run out. It's now essentially decision time and between the job/career and you, sadly it appears he's chosen the former.

If he was invested in you/the baby, he'd take a(ny) job locally to bring in the £ for the time being and then work on the career situation as and when the opportunity arrived.

Out of interest, what's this (special) work he's leaving you for?

What was his brilliant idea for his self employed business ?

Your baby needs your name. You're going to be a unit of 3.

All he will supply (if you're lucky) is money (should he ever get a job)

He is a graphic designer and web designer. He really has worked hard and tried his best to make it work. He’s been awfully messed around by clients who have just disappeared after he has done the work for them and a multitude of things. I’ve supported him because I know he has had integrity throughout what has been a few seasons of difficult scenarios all that have not succeeded through no fault of his own. It’s been awful watching his mental heath deteriorate in the process. He is in his 30’s now and I understand he feels time is running out and he has invested so much in his skills/progressing I can see why he doesn’t want to settle for an unskilled job. It’s just not helping my own situation...

And to back him up, whenever he has had a little but here or there (£), he has instantly transferred it to me. He has always implied that he appreciates what it has cost me although I do think he is in denial about how much.

i learnt from my last husband never ever date or marry losers and never ever have babies with them. I've been totally drained by my ex and have ended up in a house worth half of what I had before he came along with his incessant debts etc.
I'm now working full time until 67 instead of being retired at 55 as I planned.
I think you should cut your losses with him, you will end up with nothing if you stay. And be more choosy in future.

i think we need to be viewing marriage as a contract instead of throwing it all away for love that goes sour. Love is fine but keep marriage outof it.

He does know that the small claims court is under fifty quid to get a client to pay up?