Partner moving away just before birth

[Harmonysg85]

Hi. I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant (we planned for this baby) and my partner of nearly 4 years has just in the last 6 weeks started applying for jobs all over the country. Just a bit of context- he is very talented and hard working, but has been self employed for the duration of our relationship (unsuccessfully) and I have been supporting him for the full duration of our relationship as a result. This hasn’t been for lack of him trying, it’s just the way things have worked out but as you can imagine it has cost me greatly. I’ve gone from being very financially secure (always have a few thousand saved) to living in my overdraft and literally running out at the end of each month.

Now my maternity leave is fast approaching, we have agreed he needs to accept his business hasn’t worked out and he just needs to find a job now that brings in a regular income. The problem is, he is only willing to accept/apply for specific jobs as opposed to be willing to take anything and time has run out! So having applied unsuccessfully for everything going in his field locally, he is now looking all over the country. The most current job that he has set his heart on is 9 hours drive away.

Whilst I appreciate he is desperate to get his
career off the ground, I will only be taking 6 months maternity leave and as what he is looking for pays roughly 25k, there is no way he will be able to support me/bills here whilst funding his new life down South plus all of the travel/flights etc.

I feel after supporting him for such a long time, it is not asking too much for him to support me for this short window of time. Having earned nothing for so long, he thinks £25k is huge and will easily cover both. 🙈.

Finances aside, I’m in shock that he is so determined to up and leave just as the baby is due to be born. He will get no paternity with it being a new job and even though he thinks he will be back every weekend, there is no way this will be sustainable. I cannot go with him as I have a 14 year old son who is completely dependent on me half of every week (shared contact with his dad who works away the other half of the week).

The thing that is upsetting me is he is not taking into consideration my feelings at all, as I don’t feel at all happy him moving away such a distance. He is from a family where working away for long periods of time is normal, but those weeks away are always followed by weeks back home and a fat salary cheque. He thinks I am being completely selfish wanting him to stay here as he feels he needs to do what it takes to pursue his career. I’m feeling hormonal and delicate and can’t stop crying. Am I being selfish?

'Update- he hasn’t got the job down South.'

So he'll be trying for another one, as you say he has been applying for ones all over numerous times. Could part of that particular issue just be that he isn't thinking it through? If he tries anything like that again, show him the numbers in black and white, as a PP said. Show him what his income and expenditure will be.

'I can’t tell ANY of my friends or family what is going on because they would be so horrified and I want to protect his character for the sake of our long term future.'

You owe him nothing- not a single thing. Do you mean that telling people what he's like might effect his job prospects? That would be unlikely.

The 'mummy's boy' issue is also annoying. He sounds immature and drippy all round.

I don't think you'll be missing much if you were free of this guy. He's a drain on you financially most of the time, and he's unsupportive.

Sounds likes he's just looking for an out and if he cant get a job to do it for him, he'll pick a fight and run home to mummy. Do yourself a favour and don't give a fuck about his character and tell your parents! Look back over the past 4 years - he won't have gone from an amazing partner to cunt overnight, be honest.....has he always been this way? Now he knows you cant support him, he basically doesn't want you anymore....

OP I'm sorry you are going through this but the red flags are continuing, his behaviour today confirms he's selfish & irresponsible.

Do not be mad at his DM or family, be angry at him, he is the one who is your partner & is having a baby. It's not the responsibility of his family to help you two. You are choosing not to tell your friends or family, please reconsider so you some support

I have shown him figures.... he shows me different figures. Bottom line is he doesn’t appreciate how much life (daily life) costs and thinks he can manage on a month what he goes through in a few days realistically.
Today is hard because I feel like I have really let myself down (lost self control) and let my tongue say cruel things that I didn’t mean. I carr about him so deeply and don’t want to hurt him 😭😣. Now I blame myself for being partly responsible for his depression. I do agree he needs to step up and things aren’t looking good, but when I mess up (through sheer stress and exasperation), I feel massively responsible and like I’m a bit part of the problem.

I am such a giving, caring and loving person but have had such poor success in relationships I feel like there is something hugely wrong with me ☹️☹️.

I have followed advice and reached out to my parents who are now besides themselves with worry. This actually makes me feel worse. They become very flustered and rather than listen, are very quick to give me advice/tell me what to do. Right now they want me to move in with them but I am so cut up about maybe having to as I work so hard and have worked so hard to provide a lovely home for my little family.

Op. Stop being a mug. Stop worrying about him and his feelings and worry about the baby which is arriving imminently. You do not have time to fuck about with this over grown teenager anymore. It's done. Let him go and focus in what's important.

Your parents are right to be worried about you! They care about you and your baby. Take all the help you can with both hands.

Listen, and listen hard

You aren't to blame for his depression.

You are such a giving and loving person, that he is taking the piss out of you

He doesn't need you to care about his feelings - he doesn't care about yours. Stop being so fucking nice - I bet everything you said this morning was true

Go home to your parents

Oh, OP. Besides not having a job or the sense to care about his heavily pregnant partner, he's not even capable of transporting himself back to his mother's after an argument! He needs mommy to come pick him up.

"I am such a giving, caring and loving person but have had such poor success in relationships I feel like there is something hugely wrong with me"

I think the problem is probably that you choose the wrong people, miss the warning signs and blame yourself for their inadequacies and shit behaviour instead of having the self esteem and confidence to recognise what's going on and walk away.

Counselling would probably be very helpful to you if you could access it.

In the nicest possible way fuck him and his family. You need to put yourself, son and baby first.

He sounds like an immature twat that runs home to mummy as soon as things get difficult. He is not going to be able to support you and your family.

This situation is not going to get any better, especially when you add a new born and sleepless nights in to the mix.

Move in with your parents and rent your house out until you can afford to financially support yourself again.

Good Luck!

Your partner has no spine OP. He lacks the conviction to sort out his employment issues, and floats along in some kind of limbo where you or his parents fund him. And he lacks the conviction to deal with anything resembling emotional upheaval, so heads to mummy’s every time so she can tell him how great he is and reaffirm his own beliefs.

It’s worrying that despite all this, you still make apologies for him on here. Go back and try and reread your posts as if you’re a neutral third party. He is completely taking the piss, and you have every right to be very angry.

The problem here isn’t the employment or lack of it - it’s him. Finding a job now isn’t some promised land where everything will be amazing - you can bet your last penny that once a baby comes along with the additional stress/upheaval/tiredness he will take flight even more often when things are getting to him, back to mummy’s for a ‘rest’ no doubt.

He needs to step up and acknowledge that pulling these disappearing acts to mummys at his age is ridiculous, esp with a partner in the later stages of pregnancy. And if he can’t do that, then I think you would be better going alone. You always know you can rely on yourself, it’s people like him that leave you uncertain.

He’s a man child. He’s happy to stick around when you’re taking care of him; emotionally and financially. But when you need him to step up and be an adult he flees back to his mother. He hasn’t grown up, he has no intention of growing up, and he has a list of excuses as long as his arm as to why this is everyone’s fault but his own.

Change the locks and tell him to stay with his mother. At least then only she will be enabling him, rather than both of you.

I'm sorry things are proving so difficult.

I would point out that, whatever the state of the relationship, he has a responsibility to do half the childcare when you go back to work. You'll both be FT (I think?), so he needs to be close enough to do half the childcare of his baby.

I am such a giving, caring and loving person but have had such poor success in relationships I feel like there is something hugely wrong with me

It’s lack of boundaries. And a need to be loved yourself. Bankrolling an adult when you’re not married and have a kid of your own is not a healthy life choice.

Even if he gets a job now he won’t be prepared to make the sacrifices necessary to support a family.

I’d organise your life as a single mother and if you can get any financial contribution from him - great. But I wouldn’t bank on it.

Can I ask what the importance other posters are putting on not giving the baby his surname? Does it make a difference legally?

Well, firstly I think all mothers should share a surname with their children, so if the mother and father have a different surname, the child should have the mother's surname with or without the father's surname as an addition.

Secondly, this is particularly important if the couple ends up separating, and the mother is the resident carer (as is usually the case). Reading this thread, it's very obvious that the relationship is unlikely to last.

@AnotherEmma, spot on. You are not flawed but you need to work on your boundaries and reg flag alerts. Kindness can be a beacon to manipulative people. It is a sad but true fact. I only learnt this late in life as assumed "bad" people would be obvious.

His difference over figures isn't misunderstanding but denial. If he persists with his narrative it enables him to do what he wants. It took me years to work this out and I expended so much energy trying to be logical but he didn't want the truth...he wanted what he wanted and the facts would be bent to fit. Same is happening here.

At some stage you can look back and see the points where you pressed ahead with a relationship despite reservations. Once you reflect on why you ignored those warnings will you be able to have good relationships.

For many people it's because they were not taught that their needs were important or that they are "fixers" and believe they need to fix people to be loved.

However what is important now is that you focus on you. I think you will struggle with this as so accustomed to meeting his needs.

I bet he has portrayed himself as a victim to his family. There is nothing you can do about that as he is likely to be selective in what he has told them. Know that you are a good person who has been under enormous strain..the moments of anger do not define who you are.

Please tell your family as you will not be able to get through this without openness. You are about to enter into a very vulnerable time and you don't have your partner to help. Your family may not respond as you want but they will take care of you.

Why is anyone wasting their time and energy trying to give this woman advice? She’s not taking any of it and has no desire to change the situation she’s in.

She’s obviously getting something out of this, or she’d have kicked him out ages ago.

I do feel very sorry for her son though. He’s at risk of losing his home because of her desire to keep this man.

I am not perfect in this. This morning I said some pretty hurtful things (which I then apologised for). I had a hole load of things hurled back at me. I know for a fact he has shared far too much with his family.

You gloss over what you said & what his reply was. What was actually said in the heat of the moment here? I think it may be significant. What did he “hurl” back at you?

I think at this stage you should go back to your parents. This pressure cooker is only going to get worse once the baby arrives

I don’t have kids but have been told kids magnify everything in your relationship. So your problems are going to increase & he is probably going to move out to his mum’s anyway.

Why is anybody wasting their time? Well I’d just like to say I’ve been enormously grateful for everybody who has taken the time to try and help me through this. It’s obvious to others that this is a ‘black & white’ situation. However, please remember that I am just weeks away from giving birth to his child and have invested four years into this relationship. It’s not easy to just throw it all away when you have shared so much together and built some amazing memories but have had to face difficult times that have felt very much out of your control.

Yes, there are unwise decisions being made here by him, but I don’t think he has maliciously used me and is say rubbing his hands laughing at what an idiot I’ve been. I think it is much more complex than that.

In response to what was said yesterday, when he commented that he hasnt moved away, I reminded him that was only because nobody wanted him. I should have said accepted his application/interview but used the word want. Pretty harsh for someone who’s self esteem is already battered after so many rejections. I was just really angry. He called me some pretty hurtful things but we both acknowledged it was heat of the moment and have apologised.

This dynamic was set long before you. His mother rescues him at every turn. He's never had to be an adult. Still fantasizing about the perfect creative job like an 11 year old that wants to be a professional footballer but can't be arsed to get up on a Saturday morning to play on a team. No one has ever told him he needs to get off his golden perfect child arse and work for a living. (Had ex like this. Seeing his interaction with his mum was mindblowingly creepy. She didn't want an adult son, she wanted to keep him her perfect little needy boy.)

Unfortunately, your version of kindness (always giving, never expecting adult behaviour, pandering to his fantasy of only the perfect job being good enough for him) allowed that dynamic to continue.

It's like you are in competition with his mother over who can best keep him childlike. He's never going to grow up unless he's expected to act like an actual adult. Adults support themselves and their family. Adult take responsibility. Adults can't run home to mummy constantly and then expect to come back all forgiven. Adults don't get to say they're buggering off for a job miles away and then get accepted back when they don't get it. Adults don't get praise for getting a part-time job after years of being supported.

I don't think he's being malicious either. He's spoilt and immature. He's stuck as a petulant early teen. By her AND by you. You're doing him no favours. You're doing yourself, your dc and baby no favours.

Is that all you said ?

Have you broken up for maternity leave? If so do go to your parents . You need someone behind cares about you right kuu I w and some distance may help you see the reality of the situation.

You already take blame and responsibility for everything where y it s his.

What you said us a fact . What did he say?

"I am just weeks away from giving birth to his child and have invested four years into this relationship. It’s not easy to just throw it all away when you have shared so much together and built some amazing memories but have had to face difficult times that have felt very much out of your control."

Sunk cost fallacy.

"I don’t think he has maliciously used me and is say rubbing his hands laughing at what an idiot I’ve been."

His intentions are irrelevant. The behaviour is what matters. The fact is that he does not prioritise you and your relationship. He does not contribute (financially or otherwise) as an equal or anything like an equal. He cannot or does not want to support you and your future child - practically or emotionally. It doesn't matter WHY this is, whether he is a super complex person with super complex emotions and all sorts of back story yada yada yada. The fact is that he is NOT GOOD FOR YOU. He can't even support himself let alone a partner and child.

I hope you see ok. I would avoid rash decisions like selling the house but plan to be around those who will support you.

It is hard to let go of the fantasy of a person because no one is all bad. He just isn't mature enough to handle life especially responsibility of finances when you are on mat leave.

His thought processes are immature and that won't ever change.

OP you need to stop excusing his his behaviour by saying it's complex, not black and white, etc; Why can't you see what we all see? A mummy's boy who has now deserted his very pregnant partner. You've enabled and paid for him for years. For what? For him to run back to mummy when you're heavily pregnant - she even had to fetch him ffs.

Read AnotherEmmas post again and again. She's put it perfectly, the situation as she sees it is what I and the majority of posters see too.

Why is anyone wasting their time and energy trying to give this woman advice? She’s not taking any of it and has no desire to change the situation she’s in.

That may be so, but at least she can garner views and just maybe gain strength from them. Perhaps when she has a real baby to care for, she'll not spend so much time agonising over this manchild.