Partner moving away just before birth

[Harmonysg85]

Hi. I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant (we planned for this baby) and my partner of nearly 4 years has just in the last 6 weeks started applying for jobs all over the country. Just a bit of context- he is very talented and hard working, but has been self employed for the duration of our relationship (unsuccessfully) and I have been supporting him for the full duration of our relationship as a result. This hasn’t been for lack of him trying, it’s just the way things have worked out but as you can imagine it has cost me greatly. I’ve gone from being very financially secure (always have a few thousand saved) to living in my overdraft and literally running out at the end of each month.

Now my maternity leave is fast approaching, we have agreed he needs to accept his business hasn’t worked out and he just needs to find a job now that brings in a regular income. The problem is, he is only willing to accept/apply for specific jobs as opposed to be willing to take anything and time has run out! So having applied unsuccessfully for everything going in his field locally, he is now looking all over the country. The most current job that he has set his heart on is 9 hours drive away.

Whilst I appreciate he is desperate to get his
career off the ground, I will only be taking 6 months maternity leave and as what he is looking for pays roughly 25k, there is no way he will be able to support me/bills here whilst funding his new life down South plus all of the travel/flights etc.

I feel after supporting him for such a long time, it is not asking too much for him to support me for this short window of time. Having earned nothing for so long, he thinks £25k is huge and will easily cover both. 🙈.

Finances aside, I’m in shock that he is so determined to up and leave just as the baby is due to be born. He will get no paternity with it being a new job and even though he thinks he will be back every weekend, there is no way this will be sustainable. I cannot go with him as I have a 14 year old son who is completely dependent on me half of every week (shared contact with his dad who works away the other half of the week).

The thing that is upsetting me is he is not taking into consideration my feelings at all, as I don’t feel at all happy him moving away such a distance. He is from a family where working away for long periods of time is normal, but those weeks away are always followed by weeks back home and a fat salary cheque. He thinks I am being completely selfish wanting him to stay here as he feels he needs to do what it takes to pursue his career. I’m feeling hormonal and delicate and can’t stop crying. Am I being selfish?

Sorry OP, why do you need to sell the house? Is it because you can't afford the mortgage on mat pay?

You've landed yourself a dud I'm afraid. Time to throw him back and prepare for life with just you and your two children.

He has got mental health issues that have prevented him from ever getting a proper job. That is the truth so face up to it. Talented my arse. He only wants 'special' jobs that his warped self image will allow. He will never change. He is the classic Waster. Love is getting a job that pays the bills. He is relentlessly pursuing a 'career' that is a useless fantasy that brings in no money. Let his stupid and beguiled mother foot his bills from now on.

@madcatladyforever

I am in the same position, DP self employed, got into debt, wouldn't get a full time job and now I have to work till I'm 71 due to the debts he has accrued, added to our mortgage to save our home and save his ass.

OP - don't be like us, don't shackle yourself with a man who won't take responsibility for his family. You are young still.

He doesn't want to be with you or know your child. I'd be separating for sure.

He's bled you dry and financially he won't have priority over your money when the baby comes and you are back working to support his businesses' and your day to day life.
My DH would have done anything to bring money into our home, anything. Anyone who loved you would do that.
He's off for pastures new.
That's not love.

Dear OP,

As someone nearly as pregnant as you, i can only say I'm really, truly sorry that you're going through this now. Congrats on your baby moving in with yr parents might give you some breathing space.

You seem like a sensible, practical woman I'm sure you'll b fine in the long run. As others have said, this man's thinking defies logic. Accept that you can't rely on him, plan your immediate future without him.
You are a capable lady, sadly he took advantage n dragged you down but without him, you can rebuild. All the best

I think you made a good and sensible plan to get yourself back on track. Move in with your parents and rent your house out to have some physical and financial breathing space. I'm sorry this is happening to you, particularly whilst heavily pregnant but at least you can prepare now with your eyes open before the baby is here.

Am I right that he hasn’t actually even got a job? Is it possible he is all talk and he won’t accept one of these long distance jobs even if he is offered one?

Op, you sound very empathic (maybe too empathic) but where is his empathy towards you?

You deserve so much better. He isn't telling you it's over because he wants to leave his options open.

Judge him on his actions not his words as you will be have cognitive dissonance.

He maybe a good house partner but he is an woeful life partner and dad, perhaps because he has been over indulged and by his parents.

I am so sorry it is a horrible time. Please don't give him the babies name as he doesn't deserve it and it is much easier for you if your children share your name.

OP like you I'm heavily pregnant with my second child and cannot imagine how hard it would be to cope with what you are going through

Please do not make excuses for him, his mental health is not an excuse for not supporting you after your surgery and not supporting you now. As for his talent/career he's a grown man who needs to earn a wage and should have been contributing throughout your relationship.

Thank goodness you are as strong as you are and have family support. Please do not give your baby his surname, expect to parent alone as I think you have seen his true colours.

OP stop making excuses for him.. hes a cocklodger and now realises he has to actually earn money because the baby is due

he would not have got a job until now would he? then realises he just does not want to do "anything" to support his family so fled.

he isnt a nice man. they get jobs and dont leach off their partners.

Let him go, pack his bags and prepare for life as a single mum. Its not the end of the world. I do it with a mortgage and i make it work.

get angry

Update- he hasn’t got the job down South. He has now worked 3 shifts in his new part time job (put me on until he is offered graphic design work). It’s interesting reading all of your comments.. during my dark moments I have been mortified to think this situation is how you all interpret it to be. I do really appreciate everybody’s concern and thank you so much for all trying to support me. He is currently back here and working very hard to convince me he loves me and does want to be with me. I do really believe this is genuinely about job exasperation as opposed to just wanting to up and leave. It’s just very very stressful when he has an interview/interest from far afield. Anyway, my mental health is in a better state since finding out it is a definite no no and I think we need to hang on and see what’s next. I will post an update again. Thank you everybody xx

Whether he stays or goes, please give baby your surname.

Whether he stays or goes, please give baby your surname

Another vote for this. It will take a while for you to see why this is so important so might be something you have to trust.

Please ... He was going to walk out on you and your baby just a few days ago.. but now he's realised his bread is very well buttered right here with you.. he pays for nothing, doesn't have to work .. christ why would he bother even trying to work ...

Please do not give your baby His surname FFS...

Glad to hear he is at least working now. Is he still planning on applying for £25k pa jobs away from home? Has he grasped that an income of that level would be unsustainable in supporting two lots of household expenses for the next 6 months while you are on maternity leave?

As you mentioned down south I hope he isnt intending on applying to any based in the London area for that salary as sfter tax he would only have enough to support himself as the living costs are so high there.

Fuck me. You have supported him for your whole 4-year real action ship, even tho you have a dc? What a Prince.

Give your baby your surname. I wouldn’t trust him an inch, the lazy git.

Job exasperation or not he was still willing to walk away and went back to his mum's. That's not right. It shows you're not a priority. He shouldn't have to prove he loves you; it should be there every day in his actions, the little ones and the big ones.

What happens with his next exasperation? I'm a single mum, have been from the start although we had a couple of failed attempts to work it out. I really wanted to, he didn't. But I know now that I'm out the other side of it that parenting solo is a million times easier than with a man who won't support you in any way. That makes the hard times worse

Even if you stay with him, now that you know you can't rely on him, do make sure that you have your own safety net. You seem very self-sufficient, which is a good thing. Make sure he can't drain away any more of your finances: if and when you're in this kind of situation again, you'll feel a total mug if you have let him continue to ruin your future.

Please bear in mind that it’s how your partner behaves when the going is tough which is key - not how they behave when things are good. Like all the other posters, I think your partner has abused your love and trust these last 4 years with his attitude to work and finances. Please draw a line under that now. You and your DCs must come first; do NOT spend any more money on your partner and protect your own money from him as far as possible. Even if he is now panicking at the thought of losing you and is now - finally and much too late - stepping up, he has shown repeatedly that he will bail when the going gets tough. As you know, the early years of parenting can be a severe shock to the system and he may well be off again. But also as other posters have said, you sound strong and practical and it sounds like your parents are supportive - you and your DCs will be fine whatever happens.

You’re his Mum and your purpose is to support him, not the other way round.

@Harmonysg85 sorry I haven't been able to read all of the comments on this thread. It sounds like you are the only one putting others before yourself and you are the only one making the effort in your relationship. I think you would be better getting him to move out permanently and getting someone to rent one of your rooms or something like that. Then they would have a job and you wouldn't need to worry about your payments. You could even make their part of the rent cost more money so that this will clear some of your overdraft. You will have such a big weight off your chest and no worries. If he really cared about you or his family then he would get a job doing anything so that he could pull his weight with bills etc and want to be with you not 9 hours away. You can do better

Just feeling a little sick in my stomach at the moment. After a (bad) argument this morning, his mum has picked him up. The thing that really baffles me is that the phone call went like this: Are you able to come and pick me up? No questions asked, response: “I’ll be there in half an hour.” Not a text, not a call to see if I’m actually alright in all of this. It is just unbelievable that I am this far pregnant (36 weeks now) and having to deal with things completely on my own with absolutely no support network.

I can’t tell ANY of my friends or family what is going on because they would be so horrified and I want to protect his character for the sake of our long term future.

I am not perfect in this. This morning I said some pretty hurtful things (which I then apologised for). I had a hole load of things hurled back at me. I know for a fact he has shared far too much with his family.

But surely at this stage in pregnancy, family should be pulling together to support us, help us get to the bottom of hurt and encouraging us to work through our problems rather than just quitting and pulling the plug?! I just find it incredibly hurtful after everything I have done for him.

"I can’t tell ANY of my friends or family what is going on because they would be so horrified and I want to protect his character for the sake of our long term future."

Well that's your decision and it's a mistake.

His mother is not going to look after you, her priority is her son. You need to look after yourself and talk to the people who can actually support you.

You need to wake up and smell the roses I'm afraid, he's not invested in your "long term future" and you can't expect his family to turn him into a decent partner.

This is how it is, start prioritising yourself and your child because he and his family will never do that.

There really is no long term future here.

Do you have friends who are not mutual? Your family talk to them first.

You are 36 weeks pregnant . He should not be giving you any stress at this stage. His job is to support you and his mum should be telling him to grow the fuck up. I pick my Ds up if he isn’t happy because he is 12.

You are seeing his true colours now .