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Original poster

Partner moving away just before birth

164 replies

Harmonysg85 · 24/11/2019 11:06

Hi. I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant (we planned for this baby) and my partner of nearly 4 years has just in the last 6 weeks started applying for jobs all over the country. Just a bit of context- he is very talented and hard working, but has been self employed for the duration of our relationship (unsuccessfully) and I have been supporting him for the full duration of our relationship as a result. This hasn’t been for lack of him trying, it’s just the way things have worked out but as you can imagine it has cost me greatly. I’ve gone from being very financially secure (always have a few thousand saved) to living in my overdraft and literally running out at the end of each month.

Now my maternity leave is fast approaching, we have agreed he needs to accept his business hasn’t worked out and he just needs to find a job now that brings in a regular income. The problem is, he is only willing to accept/apply for specific jobs as opposed to be willing to take anything and time has run out! So having applied unsuccessfully for everything going in his field locally, he is now looking all over the country. The most current job that he has set his heart on is 9 hours drive away.

Whilst I appreciate he is desperate to get his
career off the ground, I will only be taking 6 months maternity leave and as what he is looking for pays roughly 25k, there is no way he will be able to support me/bills here whilst funding his new life down South plus all of the travel/flights etc.

I feel after supporting him for such a long time, it is not asking too much for him to support me for this short window of time. Having earned nothing for so long, he thinks £25k is huge and will easily cover both. 🙈.

Finances aside, I’m in shock that he is so determined to up and leave just as the baby is due to be born. He will get no paternity with it being a new job and even though he thinks he will be back every weekend, there is no way this will be sustainable. I cannot go with him as I have a 14 year old son who is completely dependent on me half of every week (shared contact with his dad who works away the other half of the week).

The thing that is upsetting me is he is not taking into consideration my feelings at all, as I don’t feel at all happy him moving away such a distance. He is from a family where working away for long periods of time is normal, but those weeks away are always followed by weeks back home and a fat salary cheque. He thinks I am being completely selfish wanting him to stay here as he feels he needs to do what it takes to pursue his career. I’m feeling hormonal and delicate and can’t stop crying. Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
DesMartinsPetCat · 01/12/2019 16:00

Perhaps when she has a real baby to care for, she'll not spend so much time agonising over this manchild

Hopefully, but the fact that she’s already putting his wants above the basic needs of her 14 year old son means I won’t hold my breath.

TatianaLarina · 01/12/2019 16:11

Yes, there are unwise decisions being made here by him, but I don’t think he has maliciously used me

Well he has used you, whether it was malicious or not relevant as the impact is the same.

I don’t think he lived off you for 4 years by mistake if that’s what you’re implying - it was intentional.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/12/2019 17:15

The thing is, DH and I have said hurtful things to each other, and neither of us has run home to Mummy. I'm sorry, Love, but he's just not invested in this relationship. If he was, he'd have stayed home and talked things through. Instead, he runs when things get tough. Do you think this won't be a pattern in the future?

And perhaps his using you isn't a deliberately malicious 'scheme', it could just be an unconsciously learned pattern of behavior. That doesn't make it any less damaging or hurtful.

I think you need to sit yourself down and figure a budget for yourself and your 2 DC (son and new baby) without factoring him in. Even if he stays, eventually I think he'll flake on you when the going gets tough. And it's going to get real tough real soon. And whatever you do, do NOT ever combine finances with him.

CherryPavlova · 01/12/2019 17:23

I’m afraid I think you’re both being selfish deciding to plan to have a child without full consideration of your relationship and the financial impact of a new life.
It’s done now though and it doesn’t sound like he’s committed to being a father or partner.

Original poster
Harmonysg85 · 01/12/2019 17:54

How am I putting his wants above my sons basic needs? I am fully supporting my son!

OP posts:
DesMartinsPetCat · 01/12/2019 18:14

How am I putting his wants above my sons basic needs?

Housing is a basic need for a child. Because you’ve been supporting this man to a level you cannot afford, you are now considering putting your child’s home on the market to move yourself (and your son, presumably) in with your parents.

All because a man doesn’t want to get off his arse and support himself, let alone you and his baby.

CalleighDoodle · 01/12/2019 18:22

Can you look at other options that selling your house? Renting it out? Etc? Mortgage break? Take less maternity leave?

CalleighDoodle · 01/12/2019 18:30

how am i putting his wants above my son’s basic needs?

Well, ive now read your thread on him from last year and ffs i can’t honestly believe you think you havent. An aggressive work-shy alcoholic living in your son’s home is not putting your son first.

sanityisamyth · 01/12/2019 20:09

@Harmonysg85

But surely at this stage in pregnancy, family should be pulling together to support us, help us get to the bottom of hurt and encouraging us to work through our problems rather than just quitting and pulling the plug?! I just find it incredibly hurtful after everything I have done for him.

Seriously, don't be so naive. I thought that too when my ExH left. I thought MIL understood what had happened and would support me, as her son had done some really nasty things to me, but he's her son and she stood by him. I never heard from her since, despite sending her christmas and birthday cards and presents during the year we split up.

Be prepared to do this on your own. It's actually much much easier after they've left as you can rely on yourself rather than someone who hasn't got you as their priority. They will ALWAYS look after number 1 first.

Good luck.

NovemberDays · 01/12/2019 22:11

Maybe you should read your thread from last year. You were describing someone who let you do everything, who drank to excess and who you had extremely volatile arguments with, who shouted at you in the week before you had surgery.

If this man has left to go to Mummy now, regardless of whether you are pregnant or not, please keep him gone from your home.

It hurts, but your son and your imminent baby need to come first. This man has ruined you and he has ruined your son’s childhood (by exhausting you financially and emotionally and taking all your attention - and before you object, how much of your attention goes on this man and working out his behaviour? How much excusing and minimising of his behaviour are you doing?).

Let him go. Make some financial plans which will help you regain solvency. Do not sell your house if you can help it, it is also your son’s home.

HollowTalk · 01/12/2019 22:22

What a horrible situation.

I'm afraid that from here it looks as though he's been happy being taken care of financially but now that your money has more than run out, he's decided to bail out. His mother is a disgrace - I'd be ashamed of my son if he behaved like that.

BumbleBeee69 · 01/12/2019 22:45

OP... in the kindest possible way...

This MAN does not give a fuck about you or the baby...

This mans FAMILY do not give a fuck about you or the baby....

they only cared when you were paying for everything, and financing his lifestyle..

You have been very naive... you need to wake the hell up... and fast

AnotherEmma · 02/12/2019 08:10

He probably does care about them to some extent but that's not enough.

Original poster
Harmonysg85 · 02/12/2019 09:30

I’ve just had a good read through last years post. It may be a surprise to hear but all of those problems got dealt with and he managed to curb the drink which in turn fixed the other issues that had been side effects of that.

Update: I went round to have a discussion with him and his mum last night. Whilst she hasn’t grasped the extent to how much it has cost me to support him, she definitely does believe that he wants to support us and his sole purpose for moving away is to give him the chance at earning a higher income than he currently is able to in our immediate area so that he can do so.

Anyway, the outcome: He has committed to not moving away for the duration of my maternity leave and support me financially here. He has now completed the first week of his part time job and has agreed to extend the hours in January if he hasn’t found graphic design work closer to home.

I can see why everybody has instantly assumed the worst from what I have posted as that is exactly how it looks, but I did write in the beginning his situation (unemployment) has not been for lack of trying. He has worked his socks off for a lot of our relationship and the lack of money results has been due lots and lots of things out of his control. He is not a dosser who sits and sponges off me. Obviously the next few pay cheques will be telling, but I’m certain he plans to pay them directly to me until I get back on an even keel. Assuming he does follow through with that, surely that would imply he is somewhat invested in us?

OP posts:
ChuckleBuckles · 02/12/2019 10:18

I went round to have a discussion with him and his mum last night

Oh FFS, is the person you are having a child with a 9 year old boy? If not why is his mother involved in this discussion?

she definitely does believe that he wants to support us

Well of course she does, he is Mummy's little soldier!

You are onto a loser here OP, he is going to do whatever the fuck he wants and you (and his mum) are going to still sit there and make excuses for him, you crack on and continue to throw yourself into this relationship, lose your and DC home and they sit and wonder where it all went wrong with your fingers stuck in your ears singing "La, la, la I can't hear you".

Chattybum · 02/12/2019 10:25

It's your life OP but seriously, do you honestly think this is as good as it gets? He will stay local for your maternity leave? What about the next 17 years after that? Negotiating with his mum him having a part time job to support you and a family? It's hardly the stuff of romances is it. It sounds like he's doing the absolute bare minimum he can get away with to me. I think you are being very blinded to the increasingly crappy reality here.

sonjadog · 02/12/2019 10:51

One thing that really comes across in this thread, OP, is that whatever he says or behaves, you are determined to put a positive spin on it and make him into a good guy at heart. If you are wondering why your relationships aren´t problem free, then that is where I would start looking. Start taking people at face value. What he is actually doing, the words that are coming out of his mouth - that is who he is and that is who you are in a relationship with. To me it seems like you are talking yourself into him really being this fantasy guy you would like and are trying to ignore the reality of the self-centred, self-serving man that he is.

Original poster
Harmonysg85 · 02/12/2019 11:04

Owch 😟

OP posts:
Original poster
Harmonysg85 · 02/12/2019 11:07

So better to pull the plug and walk away and always assume the absolute worst rather than giving the father of my child a chance to do his best for us? If he has to travel it wouldn’t be forever, it would be to get his foot in the door of a GD job if nothing is available initially here until something does become available here. You all seem very keen that I get and receive support from my family, why is he not entitled to the same? I was the one who asked his mum to chat with us last night because I wanted the opportunity for her to hear things from my perspective (not just his), and that was really helpful.

OP posts:
Chattybum · 02/12/2019 11:12

You are not in a relationship with his mum though. You two are the parents and need to sort it out together. Yes it's nice to give him the benefit of the doubt, but you seriously don't have time. He should have started that job before you even tried to get pregnant. He's only pulling his finger out because you have literally days to go!

Chattybum · 02/12/2019 11:15

Yes it's nice he wants to persue his career but he's had ages to do that and now something much more pressing has arrived. I have no idea why you decided to bring a baby into this. You need some stability not all this dicking around.

ChuckleBuckles · 02/12/2019 11:17

always assume the absolute worst rather than giving the father of my child a chance to do his best for us

It is not an assumption if he has been taking the piss for the last four years though, is it? It is an educated opinion based on his previous behaviour. Crack on OP, you seem determined to see only sunshine and roses even while your DC are at risk of losing their home, when this absolute Prince among men rinses you for everything you have, but that is OK as his mum says he is aces.

NovemberDays · 02/12/2019 11:22

Why would his mum even wish to grasp the extent it as cost you to support him? It would be her doing it otherwise! You are going to have three children, really, which is fine, if you know and accept that. To an extent, I understand it, as being a single parent is a hard slog and lonely, but I do hope he is worth it in the end, and does not run home to his parents every time the sleepless nights get a bit much as he has to go to work now (or whatever other excuse he comes up with).

Also, you need to have this sorted out so that there is not all this coming and going when your DS gets to exam stage. Either this man is a stable presence or he should go. He is basically teaching your DS that men can go as soon as things get tough and then come back when it suits them.

Hoppinggreen · 02/12/2019 11:33

Oh well, if his mummy says he going to behave from now on I’m sure it will all be fine
Seriously OP, you really need to plan a life for you and your children without him in it. Wake up

CmdrCressidaDuck · 02/12/2019 11:50

You've given him four years of chances already, and he's blown every single one. It's past time to stop giving. OP I'm sorry, but you are being very naive and unrealistic yourself. You are refusing to see what's staring you in the face every time you check your bank balance.

The two of you had a fight and he called his mum to pick him up. You went round and had a discussion with him and his mum. A man in his thirties. A father. Can you not hear how that sounds? How totally fucked it is? How you are colluding in the idea that he is a pwecious, pwecious child and mustn't be upset or held to account?

He's an immature loser who will never come through for you. That's obvious and simple. But at some point you are going to have to look at your own part in this, and why you have tolerated this dysfunction and been so willing to parent a grown man.