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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FIL a creep? Or overreacting?

309 replies

icksahoy · 22/11/2019 15:38

This is my first post and I apologise if this is lengthy or incoherent, but my head is all over the place right now.

I have been married for 7 years, in a relationship with my DH for 10, and have always had a fairly nice relationship with my FIL. He is a rather 'old fashioned' man when it comes to women though and we have frequently fallen out when I've felt that he is trying to control me. Mainly this is a result of me being out with friends while my DH stays at home with the kids (rarely happens).

Anyway, we fell out last weekend over this exact issue. Normally we don't speak for a few days then everything is forgiven. This time however he text me asking me to go for a coffee with him as "he is in bits and loves me more than I know". Alarm bells started ringing at this point.

I met him for a coffee and he insisted on holding my hand as we walked across the carpark. Kept trying to hold my hand while we had coffee. Tells me he gets jealous when I greet people with a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek, as I never do that to him. Asked me if I loved my DH and mentioned several times that he loves me. Seems to think that a good FIL/DIL relationship involves kisses and cuddles and hand holding. When we left he insisted on a hug goodbye and a kiss. So I kissed his cheek and he laughed and said no and kissed me on the lips.

This whole encounter has made me feel really icky for a want of a better word. And very uncomfortable around him. I've not told my DH exactly what happened as he is very very close to his dad and I don't want to break his heart. But I have told him that his dad needs to leave me alone for a while.

I guess what I'm asking is did I overreact? Is he simply being an overly affectionate FIL, who is wanting a good relationship with his DIL, and just getting it horribly wrong? Or am I right thinking this is really really creepy and I need to keep my distance?

OP posts:
EleanorReally · 24/11/2019 10:46
Confused
fridayrain · 24/11/2019 10:55

@Shesalittlemadam You could have asked what the relevance was instead of making a joke at the expense of a dying woman.. Confused

Sorry to derail from your post OP. It's not a pleasant situation.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/11/2019 11:10

That was one of the best posts I've ever seen from KristinaM at 07.30, and it seems to me the "urgency" needed isn't so much in approaching FIL as in DH's own attitude. The first can wait until you're both clear on how to handle this, but the attitude thing is crucial

I really hope he doesn't try the "soft option" of smoothing you down so he can avoid any confrontation, but let's not damn him instantly - after all he's had a hell of a shock too and will need to think about this carefully

On the "signs" that he may be trying to twist this, I'd suggest looking out for attempts to put anything whatsoever on you, no matter how it's phrased. The absolute focus should be FIL's choices and how you'll approach them together - for me, anything less would be worrying in the extreme

ohfourfoxache · 24/11/2019 13:54

Bloody hell what an arsehole Shock

Well done for speaking up, you shouldn’t ever have to put up with this

mbosnz · 24/11/2019 16:51

Massive well done from me for telling your DH, that took real courage - and also, hope, and a degree of faith that your DH will have your back.

I agree that it's not unreasonable that DH needs time to digest what he has been told by his wife about his father's behaviours. That's one hell of a bombshell. And I don't know about anybody else, but somehow my parents can always press the buttons that make me feel about 7 years old and doubt my own experiences, let alone somebody else's.

I guess, rather than expecting DH to saddle up his trusty white charger and grab a lance in passing (I hope he does, when he's had time to process!). . . what you can do, having told DH is think about the boundaries you are wanting to set in place for your personal sense of wellbeing, and that of your children. For me, FIL would be told that he is not going to be welcome at the house at any time DH is not there, and I will not be meeting him without DH outside of the house. I would also be saying I do not want FIL around the children unsupervised. I would be making it very clear that in future, any physical contact with FIL is off the table, to prevent any 'misunderstandings'. No holding my hand, no hugs, and please don't ever try to kiss me again, because I've heard that a punch in the face often offends.

And obviously it's going to be a while before I'm feeling like being social with FIL. Don't assume that I'll continue to play happy families, make sure you ask me if you're hoping we'll go see your parents, and don't be surprised if the answer is no.

Oh, and in future, FIL can keep his views about me to himself. I don't want to hear his opinions on me and my doings. And I would appreciate it if DH made it clear that he wasn't prepared to listen to them either. It. Is. Not. His. BUSINESS.

Niki93 · 24/11/2019 17:00

Its the asking for a kiss on the lips that done it for me. Hell no. You’re not over reacting. Thats deffo a step too far. I think a kiss on the cheek and cuddling is nothing (my FIL does that to me, and refers to me as ‘the daughter he never had’) but he wouldnt dream of kissing me on the lips or even insinuating that. The whole ‘i get jealous’ is really odd too. Or even being so worked up on falling out with you, whys he so bothered? It sounds to me like he’s fantasising abit. You’re in an awful position but you do need to confide in your husband. Its upsetting for him and you, but if anyone can put a stop to that behaviour, its him. Even if nothing was meant by it, if it makes you feel uncomfortable then its not acceptable. I hope it can be addressed and in a friendly manner that causes no distress to anyone, but it does need to be brought to husbands attention. Xx

itsAlmostXmas · 24/11/2019 18:57

Well done OP

workfup · 24/11/2019 23:03

Good for you standing up for yourself! This thread put me in mind of all the creepy uncles and things my parents forced me to into hugging - I'd never do that with my daughters and the more women put up with this shit the more we are expected to take!

Shesalittlemadam · 25/11/2019 01:15

@fridayrain There was no joke of any kind. I'm guessing English isn't your first language.

The only person who's derailed the thread is yourself. If you didn't want to answer you could've ignored my question? Hmm

Delbelleber · 25/11/2019 07:16

Ugh. I had my own experience of thinking my mum's newish partner is a creep. Since then I have been avoiding them but I don't want my mum to find out, it could just be me being suspicious! Now when I see them I keep my distance by sitting on the other side of the room from him and basically following my mum about if she leaves the room. Also try and get my dp to come to the house with me and stick by his side ( I haven't told him he would go mad). If I have to go past him in a tight space like the garden stairs or kitchen I am super conscious not to accidentally rub against him..... It was an accidental touch that started this horrible situation!
You're fil would definitely give me the creeps but I understand you don't want to rock the boat by involving other family members who may not know how to react and the situation gets worse.

alreadyinchristmasmood · 25/11/2019 07:22

Did he speak to his dad, OP? This is appalling!

Delbelleber · 25/11/2019 07:23

I missed the whole 2nd page of this thread!
Good luck, what a horrible messy situation to be in. I hate creepy old men!

Original poster
icksahoy · 25/11/2019 08:08

My DH is going to speak to his dad tonight after work. He understandably very hurt by this whole thing but I'm not convinced he's going to cut his dad out of our lives. He keeps trying to think of excuses for his dads behaviour. And I'm sure tonight his dad is going to manage to convince him it was all a misundertanding. I wouldn't even put it past him to turn this around to me making up lies to come between them. I'm going to stay strong though and stand my ground.

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 25/11/2019 08:30

Well done, OP. You are right to protect yourself and your children. Hope your DH will be able to be on your side.

picklemepopcorn · 25/11/2019 08:47

That's ok, icksahoy! Your DH May not be able to overturn a lifetimes belief overnight. It's a big ask, to be honest. It will probably take a while for him to be able to be as objective as people on here- he'll need to overturn a lifetime's manipulation.

Be patient, don't be confrontational. Just avoid and wait- FiL will show himself up sooner or later.

mountainwoman1 · 25/11/2019 09:11

Watch your DH. If he grew up with a father who is emotionally abusing his mother, yet they are still very close, then he is conditioned. Stand your ground. Insist DH discusses with a professional rather than back down and play nice. He didn't back you up immediately and say he was sorry for his father's behaviour but rather is questioning you.

ZandathePanda · 25/11/2019 09:39

Do you think this has got worse over time OP? Not excusing your FIL for one second but it may be useful to look for other signs of dementia. Sometimes the early stages are people’s boundaries becoming warped/ lessened. It sounds like he’s always been weird so in your case it may be hard to tell.

My lovely male friend would say some horrendous things about weight, race, sex etc. Totally out of character. In his case, there’s a part of his brain getting less blood that regulates the ‘stop’ mechanism.

Just a thought. Also bad people get dementia too. Got a (distant) relative with it and they are vile and always will be.

damnthatanxiety · 25/11/2019 09:44

If your DH comes home with any doubts or excuses, I would ask him calmly why he is so quick to believe his df over you. How long and how intimately has he known you. Why would you make this shit up. Put it back to him that his denial of your experience says an awful lot about his belief in you and in the relationship. And none of what it says is good.

MeTheCoolOne · 25/11/2019 09:48

.

Butterymuffin · 25/11/2019 10:05

I know this would be very uncomfortable for you OP but could you go with your husband to meet his dad? It's far harder for him to lie about you or what happened then.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/11/2019 10:06

No, there's no argument on this one.

Be prepared to answer your DH this evening, when he comes back with excuses or worse, that this discussion cannot now continue unless it is with a professional third party. That what your FIL has done is sexually assault you, and if his instinct is to minimise, excuse or outright disbelieve that then your marriage is over.

If he needs to understand by hearing a professional listen to your descriptions of what has happened and confirm that your FIL is a predator, then that's what needs to happen.

If he believes his father over you your marriage is over.

If he is not prepared to accept that his father is out of your life then your marraige is over.

Also suggest that he also needs to talk to someone about his conditioning as a child to accept errant behaviour from a controlling, domineering abuser.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/11/2019 10:07

I'm not convinced he's going to cut his dad out of our lives

You tell him his father is ALREADY out of YOUR life. The discussion to be had is from that starting point and focuses on where your H's loyalties lie.

leckford · 25/11/2019 10:07

You need to avoid being alone with him, he sounds like the type who has had affairs. Best not tell the others, just make sure you are never alone with him

FizzyGreenWater · 25/11/2019 10:13

And if your DH disagrees, you quite calmly tell him that if you have to report your FIL's sexual assault to the police if that would help him understand the gravity of the situation, then you're perfectly prepared to do so.

IdiotInDisguise · 25/11/2019 10:14

I understand some people think she shouldn’t be in a room alone with the FIL, that he shouldn’t visit if DH is not present but honestly, you cannot abuse a relative and expect for the victim to still welcome the perpetrator in her house or play happy families. He shouldn’t come to your house and neither you or your children can be expected to visit his. It is ok to cut the ties, the DH can wish to stay in touch with his family and that is fine but expecting the wife and the kids to visit after this... hell no, it is like being abused all over again when someone asks you to continue going as it has never had happened.