FIL a creep? Or overreacting?

[icksahoy]

This is my first post and I apologise if this is lengthy or incoherent, but my head is all over the place right now.

I have been married for 7 years, in a relationship with my DH for 10, and have always had a fairly nice relationship with my FIL. He is a rather 'old fashioned' man when it comes to women though and we have frequently fallen out when I've felt that he is trying to control me. Mainly this is a result of me being out with friends while my DH stays at home with the kids (rarely happens).

Anyway, we fell out last weekend over this exact issue. Normally we don't speak for a few days then everything is forgiven. This time however he text me asking me to go for a coffee with him as "he is in bits and loves me more than I know". Alarm bells started ringing at this point.

I met him for a coffee and he insisted on holding my hand as we walked across the carpark. Kept trying to hold my hand while we had coffee. Tells me he gets jealous when I greet people with a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek, as I never do that to him. Asked me if I loved my DH and mentioned several times that he loves me. Seems to think that a good FIL/DIL relationship involves kisses and cuddles and hand holding. When we left he insisted on a hug goodbye and a kiss. So I kissed his cheek and he laughed and said no and kissed me on the lips.

This whole encounter has made me feel really icky for a want of a better word. And very uncomfortable around him. I've not told my DH exactly what happened as he is very very close to his dad and I don't want to break his heart. But I have told him that his dad needs to leave me alone for a while.

I guess what I'm asking is did I overreact? Is he simply being an overly affectionate FIL, who is wanting a good relationship with his DIL, and just getting it horribly wrong? Or am I right thinking this is really really creepy and I need to keep my distance?

I cannot believe how supportive everyone here has been. You all gave me the strength to tell the truth. I can't thank you all enough. What happens from here happens. But I know I'll be strong enough to deal with it.

I’m so glad you told your husband, OP. It might be tough for a while, but if your husband is honest with himself, he will have had hints over the years about the kind of man his father is. He will have heard him say things or look at women in a certain way. Every child of a creep knows deep down that things are off with their behaviour.

Well done speaking out and telling your husband OP. Remember, you didn't take it the wrong way, he was inappropriate and you do not need to accept this behaviour. Keep talking, keep speaking your truth, you deserve to be heard. Hugs (appropriate ones!)

That was a very hard thing to do, Icksahoy, and a very brave thing too. Congratulations! I'm so glad DH is supportive - at least for now.

I am so sorry, OP

What a creep.

Watch out with your dh. He is not on your side and will do everything to excuse his father's actions

@hithere2 why do you think that? Is there signs i need to look out for?

Well done op.

I think you said "I just have a horrible feeling that my DH is going to think I've taken all of this the wrong way. And he'll make excuses for his dads behaviour".

Watch out. If you are right then you know your DH well and is a major red flag.

I base my comment on:
The fact that he doubted your word and asked if you took it the wrong way. You still had to assert yourself on how uncomfortable it was for you.

There had been other inappropriate situations in the past that he was unable to identify as abnormal.

This heavily suggests of grooming to me. He grew up around this behaviour and he has normalized it.

What does he plan to say to his father?

@hithere2 he doesn't know yet. He wants to sleep on it

What's to think about?
Is he even angry? Outraged?
To me, devastated is more about your dh and how your dh is struggling with his own feelings about his father.

I truly hope I am over imagining things and I am wrong.

The fact that he doesn't want to rip him a new one and to stay away from his family (including him) is very telling.

Well done op.

There is no rush for your husband to speak to his father right now. I don’t mean he should delay for months, but this is not an emergency that needs dealt with in the next 24 hours.

If he or you are due to see FIL in the next few weeks, make a polite excuse and get out of it. Suggest that you DH books some sessions TODAY with a counsellor to discuss how he’s feeling and how he wants to deal with this.

There’s no easy way ahead here. FILs Inappropriate behaviour has set off a bomb in your family. I suspect this is the tip of the iceberg - this won’t be the first time ( or the last time ) that FIL has done something like this, there will be other victims - in the family , at his work or in his social circles.

Your husband has a stark choice here - to address this in some way with his parents, go NC without explanation or destroy his marriage by failing to protect his wife. He needs support from a professional who can help him work through the layers of fear, obligation and guilt.

I suspect that growing up in a family like this will have warped some of his own views. He has perhaps been brought up to think that his father / parents are always right and therefore it must be you, his wife, who is wrong.

A counsellor will help him look at this more objectively and think through the implications of any decisions he makes. Because, sadly for him, doing nothing isn’t an option here. He has to decide which Relationship is more important to him.

Id love to think that your Dh could have a little chat with his father and he would see the error of his ways, apologise and become a reformed character. But you know and I know that this won’t happen. Men who have this sense of entitlement and power don’t give it up easily. I suspect FIL has spent years creating family dynamics that allow him to abuse others like this.

He’s not going to give this up lightly.

Tragically, your husbands father has forced him to make this choice. What kind of man would do this to his own son? Who would risk losing his son to proposition his DIL?

Because please be clear - the person who has forced your husband to choose is his father. ITS NOT YOU OP

This is a horrible situation with no easy resolution and my heart goes out to you, OP.

My MIL's mum was in hospital dying. We were round at their house and only FIL there. He had been drinking which isn't unusual for him on a weekend. He has always been too touchy feely, coming into your personal space.

Anyway, during that visit he was rubbing my back, he felt both my breasts at different times and held my head in his hands really close to his face. When we were walking down the hall i was behind DH & FIL was behind me and he slapped my ass.

I'm usually good at sticking up for myself but i did and said nothing. When we were all sitting there a massive painting fell of the wall. My DH's granny died shortly afterwords.

I told my DH as soon as we got home but given the family circumstances he waited a few weeks until the funeral had taken place. He then said to his dad that he had behaved inappropriately towards me and he of course refuted it as did his mum. But they knew. We fell out for a good while after that.

You need your DH's support 100% Any mention of him defending or excusing his Dad would cause major concerns.

Sorry you're going through this.

OP, well done for finding the courage to tell your dh, that could not have been easy.
KristinaM has written an excellent post with some very good advice.

I hope your dh doesn't decide to sweep it all under the carpet but instead chooses to distance his father.

If he doesn't, please don't be emotionally blackmailed into "playing nice" and pretending nothing has happened with FIL. Blokes like this don't stop at kisses. He'll be emboldened by getting away with what he has so far. Remember you felt the need to lock your door when you got home (that instinct was spot on).

And do not trust him with your children (if you have them). Someone with skewed boundaries and entitlement like this can be a big threat.

What a horrible situation. I'd be keeping my distance for sure.

@icksahoy I am very impressed with you, what a terrifying and sad experience that must have been to tell your dh about this. I just want to counter a couple of things that have since been said I'm afraid.

There was an urgency in giving him this information but I don't agree that it is then clear cut that he needs to go and lay into his dad. Your dh will likely now have to enter a grieving process - this is a man he has looked to his whole life as a moral compass and a role model so it will be a rocky road ahead. Remember that anger is an important stage of the grieving process and I imagine he will struggle to effectively direct it at his dad, so you/his mum/your kids will receive some of it. None of us are perfect examples of emotional evolution and he'll be flailing in this. I just think this is going to be an extremely testing period for your marriage and your family - and of course one eventual outcome could be a separation but I strongly feel you shouldn't be bracing yourself for that. You just need to keep in mind that you have had a trauma, and he has now had a trauma too, and while the nicest possible situation would be that you both heal in the same way, at the same pace, it is also possible that there will be some distance and some pain between you guys. But bear with it, you have done the right thing, and nothing wrong, and as said by lots of people the responsibility for this situation lies squarely at the feet of your FIL and no one else. Sadly he's brought you all in to his mess and you now have to muddle our as gently to yourselves as possible. And as said above if you can afford the time and money seek counselling - this definitely deserves that kind of attention!

I'm sorry if that was wordy and garbled, please go very gently and lovingly on yourself and on your husband x

I hope your DH is just taking time to process this and isn't trying to sweep it under the rug, it might be that he's had the shock of his life and isn't sure how to handle it, so I wouldn't worry too much about him not instantly going crazy, everyone deals with things differently.

That been said, if he does try to sweep it under the carpet, do not go along with it, do not play happy families and keep well away from FIL, this man will be getting kicks that he got away with it and everyone believes him and not you, and that makes me worry what steps he will take next since no one believes you anyway. You need to protect yourself from that creep, and protect your children from him if you have any/have any if the future.

You did the right thing telling DH, this is all on FIL, he caused this situation all you did was tell the truth.

@icksahoy The fact that he doesn't want to rip him a new one and to stay away from his family (including him) is very telling.

This, I'm afraid

@fridayrain Sorry for your loss. Was it the painting that killed DH's Grandma?

@Shesalittlemadam why the need for such a shitty comment.

@fridayrain Shitty? Oh god no it wasn't meant to be shitty! I was just trying to realise the relevance of the painting falling that was all.

@Shesalittlemadam the wit is overwhelming

@fridayrain Sorry?