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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FIL a creep? Or overreacting?

309 replies

icksahoy · 22/11/2019 15:38

This is my first post and I apologise if this is lengthy or incoherent, but my head is all over the place right now.

I have been married for 7 years, in a relationship with my DH for 10, and have always had a fairly nice relationship with my FIL. He is a rather 'old fashioned' man when it comes to women though and we have frequently fallen out when I've felt that he is trying to control me. Mainly this is a result of me being out with friends while my DH stays at home with the kids (rarely happens).

Anyway, we fell out last weekend over this exact issue. Normally we don't speak for a few days then everything is forgiven. This time however he text me asking me to go for a coffee with him as "he is in bits and loves me more than I know". Alarm bells started ringing at this point.

I met him for a coffee and he insisted on holding my hand as we walked across the carpark. Kept trying to hold my hand while we had coffee. Tells me he gets jealous when I greet people with a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek, as I never do that to him. Asked me if I loved my DH and mentioned several times that he loves me. Seems to think that a good FIL/DIL relationship involves kisses and cuddles and hand holding. When we left he insisted on a hug goodbye and a kiss. So I kissed his cheek and he laughed and said no and kissed me on the lips.

This whole encounter has made me feel really icky for a want of a better word. And very uncomfortable around him. I've not told my DH exactly what happened as he is very very close to his dad and I don't want to break his heart. But I have told him that his dad needs to leave me alone for a while.

I guess what I'm asking is did I overreact? Is he simply being an overly affectionate FIL, who is wanting a good relationship with his DIL, and just getting it horribly wrong? Or am I right thinking this is really really creepy and I need to keep my distance?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/11/2019 10:16

I'm not convinced he's going to cut his dad out of our lives. He keeps trying to think of excuses for his dads behaviour

The first could be negotiated but the second's more concerning; I'd worry that DH will add the twisting his DF does to the excuses he's already thought of himself, ending up with one big "he didn't mean it like that"

Despite the hurt, it might be worth staying very "calm" on this, while keeping the spotlight firmly on DH's choices and what they say about his real attitude to your marriage

I really am hoping it goes well and that you don't end up with an even more difficult decision to make

mummmy2017 · 25/11/2019 10:18

Could you get your DH to sit by you and keep quiet, then call his dad and pretend your alone?
Then ask his dad why he is doing this?.

Sweetpeach3 · 25/11/2019 10:25

*HE SOUNDS LIKE ONE PERVY CREPPY BASTARD
*
You shouldn't of been out in that position or made to feel that way so sorry that you did
You should tell your DH how he acted and let him sort it out as it's his dad or the alternative is to say to FIL if he approaches you in that manor again your going to tell your DH and report him as it genuinely isn't normal!!!! Jesus my grandad never acted like this with my mum or my dad with my brothers wives nor my FIL!!!! Iv never even hugged mine an iv known him 7 years an always cook his bloody tea for him when MIL is on holiday.
I hope your okay that is one distressing post op x

BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2019 10:52

If your DH lets you down OP.. you need to be prepared to respond to this. Flowers

BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2019 10:53

alternatively... go to see FIL with your DH.. watch him explain try to wiggle out of this one.. Hmm

littleduckeggblue · 25/11/2019 10:57

Watch a documentary about Susan cox powell and her father in law

Newschapter · 25/11/2019 11:22

I'm so sorry you were put in that position @icksahoy

I hope your dh finds the strength to stand up for you to your FIL when he sees him later.

You've done the right thing and that took a lot of strength Flowers

andthentherewere · 25/11/2019 12:20

I think possible having a conversation with your FIL detailing what he did and why it made you uncomfortable in the presence of your husband may be something to consider. Harder for him to blag his way out of it. Good luck, stay strong.

chilling19 · 25/11/2019 12:34

Echoing a PP - make it clear that whatever the outcome of the conversation tonight, your FIL is not welcome in your house ever again and he is no longer part of your (and your children if any) life. Maintain that boundary whatever he says. Then get you both into counselling to deal with the fallout. Good luck.

Hithere2 · 25/11/2019 12:43

What fizzygreenwater said.

You have been groomed too, wondering if you overreacting

Your dh already betrayed you. He is on his dad's side.

fudgecakelova11122 · 25/11/2019 12:47

Good luck for tonight.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/11/2019 12:55

I get the point about OP attending the meeting with FIL, but the risk is that pushing it it could drive DH's dealings with him underground and it becoming the two of them conspiring against her (been there Sad)

Sometimes it's best to let the chips fall as they may before deciding what to do, and since it's up to DH to lead on this I'd personally want to know exactly what his own attitude's going to be

AFairlyHardAvocado · 25/11/2019 13:03

Bloody hell you poor thing. Made my skin crawl just reading it.

It's hard for people to think of their own family in this way and if your DH relents it might be worth asking him calmly to take a step back from the situation and imagine himself behaving that way towards the partner of a DS, or the father of a DD's partner behaving that way towards DD.

Both scenarios would probably disgust him I imagine and he would say he'd never do that because it's so skin crawlingly inappropriate.

The fear caused to a woman by a man pushing boundaries like that is something maybe you can only understand if it's happened to you. And I'm sorry it has you poor thing.

You've done the right thing and shouldn't feel guilty in any way. Particularly as he's had chance after chance to rectify it.

A marriage is a team, you're in this together and hopefully he will support you in your decision.

mbosnz · 25/11/2019 14:23

I do think that it's understandable that DH is gobsmacked, and having trouble assimilating this.

Personally, I think I'd be saying to DH that I understand that this is very hard for him to take in and accept, but does he think that I would have brought this up, knowing how deeply upsetting it would be for him, if I had not been extremely upset to have FIL behave so inappropriately towards me, and been very concerned for my personal safety and wellbeing, and that of our children's?

I'd say to him that I know that this is deeply mortifying and upsetting for him to have to broach with his father, and could he understand that it was deeply upsetting and mortifying for me for my FIL to behave in this manner towards me, and to have to tell my husband, who I love, that his father had behaved in such a manner towards me?

I'd be saying that I'd gone over, and over this in my mind, and I was not mistaken in my FIL's words and actions towards me. I'd also tell him that I knew that FIL would be deeply embarrassed, and desperate to avoid taking ownership of his behaviour, and would be likely to minimise his actions, if not outright lie and deny them, or seek to explain them away, potentially seeking to blame me for his actions. However that would not change what he did and how he made me feel, and that sadly there were going to be major and potentially permanent repercussions for his actions. And that I was so angry that FIL's actions had caused such hurt and upset to both of us. And his mother.

Franz123 · 25/11/2019 14:49

Yeh a bit creepy. I knew someone who's inlaws greeted eachother with lip kisses and at first it weirded her out. I think she just said you guys crack on and eventually they stopped.

Maybe tell DH to have a word...

Teensruletheroost · 25/11/2019 16:34

mbosnz has said it really. I know other posters are talking from their own individual experiences but the whole ‘DH is not on your side’ stuff is projecting massively. The OP’s DH has just had a massive shock.

What FIL did is way out of order and there is no question of that at all. He has crossed a boundary and needs to know it is totally unacceptable.

The poor OP’s DH needs a chance to get his head around it and deal with it. I do think mbosnz’s words are very good to explain that the OP knows how difficult it was for the OP to bring this up so that it isn’t minimised.

Good luck OP, I hope the conversations with DH and FIL are clear.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/11/2019 16:58

the whole ‘DH is not on your side’ stuff is projecting massively. The OP’s DH has just had a massive shock

I agree on the whole, but OP's said repeatedly that she's not sure DH will back her properly and that feeling must have come from somewhere

It doesn't change the fact that they've both had a hell of a shock though, so let's just hope the DH manages to step up

peelingpaint · 25/11/2019 17:10

I'd guess the reason she's concerned he'll not be on her side is the same as the reason she worried in the first instance that she was overreacting - it's that very sad but totally natural instinct of victims of sexual assault/harassment/impropriety to minimise, to self-doubt, to own more responsibility for the act than we should. Because of conditioning. I'm hopeful it's not because of her dh being generally unsupportive. He's likely never been in the situation either and just like the op, who bravely went to the length of consulting strangers in an online forum, he may not have the resource to know how to deal with this. He might get it wrong, but he shouldn't be written off right away as not on her side

Original poster
icksahoy · 25/11/2019 21:33

Well, we're still fighting. FIL obviously denied it and DH dearly wants to believe him. Though he is still saying he's on my side. He's more concerned though with what people are going to be saying about him (I'm talking about DH) than how all of this affected me. 😢

OP posts:
EleanorReally · 25/11/2019 21:36

You don't need to broadcast it op, it won't be easy for any of you

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/11/2019 21:38

I'd be telling my husband that he has a clear choice here, he believes one of you and if it's not his wife there will be a drastic change in his marriage. What possible reason does he think you would have for lying?

BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2019 21:38

Well, we're still fighting. FIL obviously denied it and DH dearly wants to believe him. Though he is still saying he's on my side. He's more concerned though with what people are going to be saying about him (I'm talking about DH) than how all of this affected me.

I'm so sorry OP, please do not cave for an easy life, your DH needs to fucking MAN UP ?! making it all about Him and His Father speaks volumes.... you Lady are better than either of them.. Flowers

Kit19 · 25/11/2019 21:41

I’m baffled as to why DH thinks anyone will be talking about him!! Is he planning to take out an advert??

He should be telling FIL in no uncertain terms that his behaviour was out of order and backing you to the hilt not making it about him!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/11/2019 21:43

So what's DH's attitude now to what you told him?

He obviously can't be "on your side" and believe FIL, so is he trying to suggest you made it all up?

Longfacenow · 25/11/2019 21:51

What does your DH think happened then?