FIL a creep? Or overreacting?

[icksahoy]

This is my first post and I apologise if this is lengthy or incoherent, but my head is all over the place right now.

I have been married for 7 years, in a relationship with my DH for 10, and have always had a fairly nice relationship with my FIL. He is a rather 'old fashioned' man when it comes to women though and we have frequently fallen out when I've felt that he is trying to control me. Mainly this is a result of me being out with friends while my DH stays at home with the kids (rarely happens).

Anyway, we fell out last weekend over this exact issue. Normally we don't speak for a few days then everything is forgiven. This time however he text me asking me to go for a coffee with him as "he is in bits and loves me more than I know". Alarm bells started ringing at this point.

I met him for a coffee and he insisted on holding my hand as we walked across the carpark. Kept trying to hold my hand while we had coffee. Tells me he gets jealous when I greet people with a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek, as I never do that to him. Asked me if I loved my DH and mentioned several times that he loves me. Seems to think that a good FIL/DIL relationship involves kisses and cuddles and hand holding. When we left he insisted on a hug goodbye and a kiss. So I kissed his cheek and he laughed and said no and kissed me on the lips.

This whole encounter has made me feel really icky for a want of a better word. And very uncomfortable around him. I've not told my DH exactly what happened as he is very very close to his dad and I don't want to break his heart. But I have told him that his dad needs to leave me alone for a while.

I guess what I'm asking is did I overreact? Is he simply being an overly affectionate FIL, who is wanting a good relationship with his DIL, and just getting it horribly wrong? Or am I right thinking this is really really creepy and I need to keep my distance?

Creepy as fuck!!!
Stand up for yourself and talk this idiot out!

I've read your story and really feel for you.

Sad to say I think your marriage is dead in the water. Your husband doesn't believe you deep down and is just placating you. He believes his father that much is clear.

In your shoes I'd probably look to leave the relationship. This isn't going to get better. Your FIL has license to shit stir about you and your DH is probably nodding along with it. Have the kids picked up on them bath mouthing you yet?

I'd walk away and put some distance between you and this toxic family.

Its really sad that you are having to bear the brunt of FIL's creepy behaviour and he seems to have got away with it. He's toxic.

I hope you can find some sort of resolution on this with your DH... can you go to marriage guidance on your own and then with him?

That's disgusting and awful and I'm so sorry it happened to you. And I'm so sorry your partner is minimalising assault. I can't stand that is many guys (yes, not all, but an astounding amount) are unprepared to see this behaviour for what it is. How do you think you'd feel moving forward if you separated? I'm so, so sorry. I'd be seeing my partner in a whole other light if he did this.

Hi op, I've just read the beginning of your thread and I just wanted to send a virtual hug.

Your husband doesn't have your back at all and despite not seeing his parents, this is impacting your home, still. This is unacceptable. I never tend to write on relationships threads to say stuff like "leave him now" but just wanted to say this won't get any better unfortunately unless your fil passes away in old age. Do you really want to wait that long and subject yourself and children to such twisted family relationships? You shouldn't be keeping a close eye on your daughter and if you're having to, then that relationship is rotten and shouldn't be pursued under any circumstance whatsoever and if your husband can't see through this, I'm sorry this would be a dealbreaker for me. You can't choose your parents but you can choose your in law's op.

Your husband doesn't sound like marriage and family material at all if he is still doing this, you and your children should be put first. A healthy relationship is when someone doesn't get manipulated by a third person and it shouldn't affect your marriage whatsoever. You are a brave person for standing up to this sick man and your husband has been brainwashed to not see this. Counselling will help him see that this is unacceptable and it's not normal and in fact it will help him see through his dysfunctional twisted family by taking a trip to memory lane. I truly hope it goes all well for you. 🌺🌸

Social/sexual disinhibition is one of the effects of dementia. So for everyone's sake I think you need to be totally upfront with DH about this incident, right from the start, before anything worse happens.

To put DH more fully in the picture, could you say something along the lines of

" I know your dad is elderly and lonely, but do you think he has changed lately and might be losing the plot a bit? Because it was really awkward the other day when he asked me out for coffee. He got a bit inappropriate , to be honest. Not at all like him . What can we do?

Oh op. Believe me, I get it. Since my FIL retired and has been around more, he's been unbearable. Keeps asking me for a "little kiss and cuddle", making sexual comments, whispering in my ear about how hot my body is, makes crude jokes to the children about "smacking naughty mummy's bottom" etc. Difference here is that DH is entirely, 100% on my side and is disgusted.

I'm stuck because I can't do anything about it bar refuse to be alone with him and maintain distance. FIL has me right where he wants me.

I'm sorry things are no better a year on.

So sad to read your update OP

Tell your OH ASAP. This is not normal and if my FIL tried to hold my hand (unless it was for support) I’d terminate the relationship. You’ve done nothing wrong, but if he gets his version in it won’t make you look good put it that way.