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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FIL a creep? Or overreacting?

309 replies

icksahoy · 22/11/2019 15:38

This is my first post and I apologise if this is lengthy or incoherent, but my head is all over the place right now.

I have been married for 7 years, in a relationship with my DH for 10, and have always had a fairly nice relationship with my FIL. He is a rather 'old fashioned' man when it comes to women though and we have frequently fallen out when I've felt that he is trying to control me. Mainly this is a result of me being out with friends while my DH stays at home with the kids (rarely happens).

Anyway, we fell out last weekend over this exact issue. Normally we don't speak for a few days then everything is forgiven. This time however he text me asking me to go for a coffee with him as "he is in bits and loves me more than I know". Alarm bells started ringing at this point.

I met him for a coffee and he insisted on holding my hand as we walked across the carpark. Kept trying to hold my hand while we had coffee. Tells me he gets jealous when I greet people with a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek, as I never do that to him. Asked me if I loved my DH and mentioned several times that he loves me. Seems to think that a good FIL/DIL relationship involves kisses and cuddles and hand holding. When we left he insisted on a hug goodbye and a kiss. So I kissed his cheek and he laughed and said no and kissed me on the lips.

This whole encounter has made me feel really icky for a want of a better word. And very uncomfortable around him. I've not told my DH exactly what happened as he is very very close to his dad and I don't want to break his heart. But I have told him that his dad needs to leave me alone for a while.

I guess what I'm asking is did I overreact? Is he simply being an overly affectionate FIL, who is wanting a good relationship with his DIL, and just getting it horribly wrong? Or am I right thinking this is really really creepy and I need to keep my distance?

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 25/11/2019 21:53

Ask your husband if you normally lie?
Ask him how he will feel if his dad forces himself on you!

AFairlyHardAvocado · 25/11/2019 22:00

How on earth has DH managed to make this about his reputation?!

You're not asking to put a story out in the local paper, you're asking for him to make clear to his father that his behaviour is inappropriate and that his wife (you) therefore no longer wants to spend time with him.

I'm so sorry OP what a shitty situation you've been put in by one man who has made you uncomfortable and not respected your boundaries, and now another who is doing the same thing in a different way!

Hithere2 · 25/11/2019 22:41

I am sadly not surprised. It was the most predictable outcome given the information here.
Even if it was recorded in black and white with crystal clear sound, fil would still deny it.

You dh desperately needs therapy to retrain himself from the grooming he suffered from his family.

Now OP, how do you feel about your dh? He is the problem, not fil.

My marriage would not the same after this and I wouldn't be able to look at him in the face or be in the same house for a while.

Hithere2 · 25/11/2019 22:42

Sorry, not sure what the black and white is doing there. Please ignore that

IdiotInDisguise · 25/11/2019 22:55

Good grief op, why is he behaving as if he was the offended party when his dad assaulted his wife? Let him stew and don’t be afraid to tell the truth if someone asks why you are reluctant to see him, just said he made a pass at you and you are finding it difficult to put it behind you.

overnightangel · 25/11/2019 22:57

Well if nothing else this will show you how much you can trust your husband

SkaterGrrrrl · 25/11/2019 23:05

You were so brave to tell DH the truth.

You have done nothing wrong.

Sorry you are fighting... could you show DH this thread?

justilou1 · 25/11/2019 23:42

Why TAF is this about HIM??? (I am so very cross with your soggy bloody husband!!!) Your FIL asexually propositioned you, and he wants to know what people will think about HIM??? They will think he is a complete limp dick if he doesn’t grow one and take a stand!!!

justilou1 · 25/11/2019 23:42

*sexually, obviously. I can’t type when I am furious

MsDogLady · 26/11/2019 02:19

Your boundaries have been violated twice—first by your FIL and now by your H.

It is outrageous and very telling that H is prioritizing himself and his father instead of being 100% in your corner. That is a betrayal that I would find unforgivable.

minesagin37 · 26/11/2019 02:30

Why are you not going ballistic and letting everyone know? If my FIL behaved this way the whole family would be on him like a ton of bricks!

mbosnz · 26/11/2019 08:26

I wouldn't be fighting with him. I'd be refusing to discuss it.

I'd be saying, 'I've told you what happened. I know you don't want to believe it, but it is the truth. You have to decide where your loyalties and priorities lie. These are my boundaries. I will protect myself and my children, with these boundaries in place. These are not negotiable. I am the victim here. You are also a victim here. The person who victimised me, and by extension you, is your father. Go fight with him.'

picklemepopcorn · 26/11/2019 08:59

He's been brought up with a fantasy idea of who his father is. Don't be too hard on him- he's been brainwashed.

You are messing with a belief system he's had his whole life- give him time. Don't fight, just stand firm. It's their work to do, not yours. You concentrate on looking after yourself and your dc.

NWQM · 26/11/2019 10:38

I'm sorry to read your DH's reaction. Lots of posters have theorised why he might have reacted like this and they could all be a bit right. The facts are though that you have told him something. He doesn't believe you. As a result he isn't going to protect you. He isn't going to give you the emotional support you need. I'd be firmly telling him to get a grip or it would be over for me. How can he expect you to love someone who thinks that they would make up a serious allegation against someone for... well what's his end to that? Does he believe you are deluded, a mean spirited trouble making....or what?

Shesalittlemadam · 27/11/2019 01:49

@icksahoy Are you ok OP?

Dizzywizz · 27/11/2019 19:54

How are you doing @icksahoy?

Giraffey1 · 27/11/2019 20:34

Not impressed by how your H is making this about him. I can understand that he may be shocked and unsure how to process the info (tho from what you say your FIL is not a nice person so perhaps your revelations shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise). But to make this about HIS reputation, that’s worrying.

Don’t backtrack or minimise. For whatever reason, FIL was inappropriate and things must change.

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 27/11/2019 20:47

I am so Angry and Sad for you, what fucking cunts they both are.

Your fil abuses you

Your dh has betrayed you

You deserve better

I am so sorry that you are going through this,

Flowers
SandAndSea · 27/11/2019 21:05

Ask your DH if he would think it OK for his dad to treat his daughter (DH's sister) or granddaughter in the same way? This might help clarify his thinking.

Phoebesgift · 27/11/2019 21:19

I have a step FIL who tried something similar with me. I have two daughters who he has made inappropriate comments about also. My DP knows what he's like.

Luckily he's in very poor health and is very frail now. We still have limited contact with him these days. Vile old man. You have my sympathies OP.

coppahaggen · 28/11/2019 12:13

This reply has been deleted

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aHintOfPercy · 28/11/2019 13:16

I wonder what your DH would think if your mother forced kisses (on the mouth)and cuddles on him, insisted on holding his hand, and if she got into a strop about him going out with his friends? I doubt he would be quite so dismissive. It's wrong, it's creepy and you have nothing to feel bad about.

Original poster
icksahoy · 30/11/2019 01:41

Hi. Everything is still shit. I've been trying the last few days but something that has gotten to me is he (my DH) has not once asked me if I'm ok

OP posts:
Sweetpeach3 · 30/11/2019 01:44

Could you go stay with a relative for a few days to make it clear your not happy with how he's been about this situation and to also give you some time to breath away from the atmosphere and clear your head of it all!
This really creeped me out when I seen this post I can't begin to imagen how your feeling and how tense the atmosphere is in your house xxx

Hithere2 · 30/11/2019 01:57

Is he open to marital therapy?

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