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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

FIL a creep? Or overreacting?

309 replies

icksahoy · 22/11/2019 15:38

This is my first post and I apologise if this is lengthy or incoherent, but my head is all over the place right now.

I have been married for 7 years, in a relationship with my DH for 10, and have always had a fairly nice relationship with my FIL. He is a rather 'old fashioned' man when it comes to women though and we have frequently fallen out when I've felt that he is trying to control me. Mainly this is a result of me being out with friends while my DH stays at home with the kids (rarely happens).

Anyway, we fell out last weekend over this exact issue. Normally we don't speak for a few days then everything is forgiven. This time however he text me asking me to go for a coffee with him as "he is in bits and loves me more than I know". Alarm bells started ringing at this point.

I met him for a coffee and he insisted on holding my hand as we walked across the carpark. Kept trying to hold my hand while we had coffee. Tells me he gets jealous when I greet people with a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek, as I never do that to him. Asked me if I loved my DH and mentioned several times that he loves me. Seems to think that a good FIL/DIL relationship involves kisses and cuddles and hand holding. When we left he insisted on a hug goodbye and a kiss. So I kissed his cheek and he laughed and said no and kissed me on the lips.

This whole encounter has made me feel really icky for a want of a better word. And very uncomfortable around him. I've not told my DH exactly what happened as he is very very close to his dad and I don't want to break his heart. But I have told him that his dad needs to leave me alone for a while.

I guess what I'm asking is did I overreact? Is he simply being an overly affectionate FIL, who is wanting a good relationship with his DIL, and just getting it horribly wrong? Or am I right thinking this is really really creepy and I need to keep my distance?

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/11/2019 16:02

Tell your husband. I'd have been repulsed by his behaviour.

Lllot5 · 22/11/2019 16:02

Is this the first time he has ever behaved this way?
Creepy really creepy. I think you should tell DH if only to stop fil telling him something he’s concocted.

Sagradafamiliar · 22/11/2019 16:04

This reminds me of the obsession Susan Powell's FIL had with her.

Original poster

icksahoy · 22/11/2019 16:06

Oh yeah. He also asked if he could come up to the house that afternoon for 5 minutes (he knew I was alone). I said no. And locked my door.

OP posts:

FreeBedForFlys · 22/11/2019 16:06

Ewww. Ew ew ew. You’re under reacting.

Marylou2 · 22/11/2019 16:06

Hi OP , how awful for you. Some questions. How old is FIL? Has he ever done anything remotely like this before? Inappropriate behaviour can be a sign of early dementia. It can be excruciatingly embarrassing for families but I've seen it several times before in a clinical setting. Obviously your FIL might just be a massive creep but please consider the alternative option.

wildcherries · 22/11/2019 16:07

Super ick. Fucking hell, he's behaving like a scorned lover, not a FIL. I'd tell DH and refuse to be alone with him ever again. Yuck.

divafever99 · 22/11/2019 16:07

That's concerning op, especially as he knew you were in the house alone. Glad you said no! I think you really need to speak with your dh.

wildcherries · 22/11/2019 16:08

This reminds me of the obsession Susan Powell's FIL had with her.

THIS. Disturbing.

peelingpaint · 22/11/2019 16:08

Oh no this is a horrible situation for you to be in. The guy clearly has an infatuation with you, whether just now or for a while - sounds like he's always had an issue with boundaries. It's pretty vital you talk to your husband about it, as hard as that is. For whatever reason your fil sounds like he is behaving manipulatively and you don't want to be in the wrong side of it. As said above it could be he's having a hard time - it doesn't have to just be you telling your husband his dads a perv, you could start off by saying you're concerned about him. But I think you need to allow your husband the opportunity to feel angry with him, and protective, and heartbroken, but just try to be calm and measured when you approach the subject with him. Don't let him get away with this behaviour, it's a very dangerous precedent

ExcitedForFuture · 22/11/2019 16:16

Waayyyy underreacting OP. Creepy letches like this get away with it because they rely on women not to speak up. Keep well away from him and tell your DH! Any fallout out is FILs doing with his vile behaviour, not yours.

mbosnz · 22/11/2019 16:19

I think you'll be surprised just how hard a heart is to break - and I really do think (from bitter personal experience) that if you do not tell your DH, that is going to come to bite you in the bum, with you seemingly suddenly very unreasonable and unfriendly to your FIL, because DH doesn't know what's going on, after all, and FIL playing the poor confused, whatever have I done, martyred victim. Or alternatively, taking advantage of your silence to continue to victimise you.

Your DH deserves the courtesy of knowing what is going on, and then you can deal with it together. You have done nothing wrong. You are not the one jeopardising his relationship with his son, and potentially compromising his wife's health.

But just think about it. Him 'popping around', him 'catching you' alone in a room, just a quick kiss and cuddle. . . and if you don't tell on him, and DH catches him at it, you can bet that you will be met with 'why the hell didn't you tell me?', and at the very least found to have contributed to the situation by not telling. . .

Sorry. This has possibly been a bit triggering for me. . .

IamEarthymama · 22/11/2019 16:20

This is horrible, how hard for you to be placed in this situation

Only you know if it feels completely out of character in that you might think there are issues around dementia OR is the creepy bastard
Planning on sexually assaulting his daughter in law.

You must tell your husband as hard as it might be
Never be on your own with him again.

My heart goes out to you, I am a friendly, sociable woman and when I was younger often found men making completely inappropriate advances.

I am really cross about lots of attacks on women’s rights and this had made me furious

Shoxfordian · 22/11/2019 16:23

Tell your husband exactly what happened
He's a creep and you're not overreacting at all

0SometimesIWonder · 22/11/2019 16:24

Oh no, no, no, no. This is absolutely not appropriate. And kissing you on the lips ? If you don't tell your H and if you do nothing, FIL will take that as your approval of his behaviour and it will escalate.
His next move will be to assault you.

CousinKrispy · 22/11/2019 16:28

Your FIL isn't from a more outwardly affectionate culture (than British culture on the whole), by any chance? I know that's grasping at straws and I'm not trying to excuse him, it still sounds wildly inappropriate--even in a culture which is more huggy-kissy than Brits typically are, for him to be quizzing or berating you about how you greet other people and pressuring you to give more intimate physical contact that you are offering, seems way off.

I agree you should definitely tell your DH as soon as possible. Phrase it in terms of "being concerned" about your FIL if you want, but don't be afraid to state clearly that it made you feel very uncomfortable.

LittleTopic · 22/11/2019 16:30

Tell your DH.

And then look up the case of Susan Cox Powell. This isn’t normal.

MistyMinge2 · 22/11/2019 16:30

Eurgh he's a total creep. I'd be feeling dirty after the coffee shop encounter. Sounds like he's obsessed with you. I'd make every effort to never be alone with him and try to minimise contact. I think you have to tell your DH.

holly40 · 22/11/2019 16:34

Oh dear. Your FIL is way out of line.
You are under reacting and need to tell DH exactly what has happened and exactly how it made you feel, and how you would like to proceed with FIL (if you want to limit contact, then you should do).

How uncomfortable. My FIL would not do or say any of these things.
...My close friend's father in law openly talks about her (large) breasts in front of her and to others. It's been going of for the last 10 years and she won't tell him to stop it as she's embarrassed. I think that's awful he makes her feel so uncomfortable and unable to say anything. And that her DH and MIL just roll their eyes. And it's gone on so long.

msmith501 · 22/11/2019 16:34

Not entirely sure why you went for the coffee given his text message on its own was a tad creepy. These things can only be dealt with by exposing them to the bright light of truth... tell DH and calmly decide what to do.

ISmellBabies · 22/11/2019 16:35

Really fucking gross, you cannot keep your FIL's secret from your dh. Your loyalty is to dh. You have to tell him. And don't see FIL anymore, especially not alone, ever. If you have dds, don't let them see him alone either.

msmith501 · 22/11/2019 16:35

And start by showing DH the text

itsAlmostXmas · 22/11/2019 16:40

Disgusting. You need to tell your DH

littlemeitslyn · 22/11/2019 16:45

'Slip a finger' ???

BeFire · 22/11/2019 16:48

Not ok. I'm guessing you don't have kids since you've not mentioned any?

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