FIL a creep? Or overreacting?

[icksahoy]

This is my first post and I apologise if this is lengthy or incoherent, but my head is all over the place right now.

I have been married for 7 years, in a relationship with my DH for 10, and have always had a fairly nice relationship with my FIL. He is a rather 'old fashioned' man when it comes to women though and we have frequently fallen out when I've felt that he is trying to control me. Mainly this is a result of me being out with friends while my DH stays at home with the kids (rarely happens).

Anyway, we fell out last weekend over this exact issue. Normally we don't speak for a few days then everything is forgiven. This time however he text me asking me to go for a coffee with him as "he is in bits and loves me more than I know". Alarm bells started ringing at this point.

I met him for a coffee and he insisted on holding my hand as we walked across the carpark. Kept trying to hold my hand while we had coffee. Tells me he gets jealous when I greet people with a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek, as I never do that to him. Asked me if I loved my DH and mentioned several times that he loves me. Seems to think that a good FIL/DIL relationship involves kisses and cuddles and hand holding. When we left he insisted on a hug goodbye and a kiss. So I kissed his cheek and he laughed and said no and kissed me on the lips.

This whole encounter has made me feel really icky for a want of a better word. And very uncomfortable around him. I've not told my DH exactly what happened as he is very very close to his dad and I don't want to break his heart. But I have told him that his dad needs to leave me alone for a while.

I guess what I'm asking is did I overreact? Is he simply being an overly affectionate FIL, who is wanting a good relationship with his DIL, and just getting it horribly wrong? Or am I right thinking this is really really creepy and I need to keep my distance?

Just came on to say as a couple of previous posters have mentioned briefly

INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL BEHAVIOUR IS A COMMON SYMPTOM OF DEMENTIA

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4980403/

It may not be your case of course but I wanted to emphasis it because I'm surprised more people haven't mentioned it.

If you have personal experience of this, any forums about dementia will usually have quite upsetting posts on this topic. Some of the most tragic concern decent good elderly men who have been great fathers, grandparents who start to believe they are having an affair or a sexual relationship with their own daughter.

This may not be your case of course but if this is new or escalating out of nowhere and depending on other symptoms including his age, family history of dementia, forgetfulness etc, it is at least worth considering before you write him off as a pervert.

Dementia is a bloody bloody thing to happen to anyone and it's shitty enough without being ostracised by your family if that's what is happening here.

Didnt 'op say he has always been a bit "lecherous" and the family just brush it off ?

Some men are simply predators and the only way to deal with them is to ostracise them

Worth pointing out

Yes, she did mention that.

He’s either in love with you, being a lecherous creep or he’s trying to ‘honey trap’ you.

Sit on this and think before you tell your DH x

What is there to think about ?

Please tell your DH. I had a BIL "problem " when I was 15. He tried to kiss me when he knew no one was around and he tried to get into bed with me when I was 18. I told no one for years but it made me ill x

I don't think this is a dementia problem. I have been convinced for a while that he is emotionally abusing his wife. And has been for decades. He is a nasty piece of work. And I do not have to put up with it. I think part of the problem is that I don't put up with a lot of his shit. And he hates that.

For the record... my DH knows that I'm not speaking to his dad right now. He is thoroughly miserable about it but not pressing me for reasons. His dad as far as I know has not said anything to him but is totally playing the martyr. "I've tried to make up with her but she's still not talking to me" etc.

I've made the decision to tell him, but the kids have not been helping tonight so I haven't yet had the chance.

Didnt 'op say he has always been a bit "lecherous" and the family just brush it off ?

Depends on what always means here. Dementia is normally diagnoses very late - in the same way people will say he's "always" been a bit forgetful and the family brush it off. By the time someone actually get a diagnosis they have usually been suffering for years.

Just to emphasis I'm not saying this is definitely the case here. Of course he could be a lecherous weirdo but an adult man kissing his daughter in law who he has known for 10 years on the lips sounds warning bells to me as a possible dementia case. It is just so out there along with the questions of does she love her DH. It's so not normal behaviour that unless there is a general life pattern of long standing it could (no more than could) indicate a dementia issue.

AF...

It’s going to cause quite the shitstorm. Think the OP needs to consider how to break it to DH.

Does anyone, after reading op's last message, think there is still any question that this man is ill rather than a creep or that she should further consider her decision to get her husband fully in the picture ?

Cross post with OPs 'nasty piece of work' post which I hadn't seen.

@spinlessjello I (horribly) wish it was due to dementia because then he couldn't help it and we could get him help. But sadly I really don't think that's the case. The more I think about it the more examples I come up with from over the years of inappropriate comments or touches. I feel so sad that my DH view of his dad is going to be forever changed.

Err he is a creep for sure. Good luck telling your dh

What a creepy bastard.

I'm glad you're telling your husband.

@icksahoy Have you managed to tell him?

Do not feel guilty. Don’t let anyone else make their behaviour your “fault”. I would call the bloody police.

OP do you have a friend you could talk to about this? Someone who you know will have your back? Sometimes saying things out loud makes them more real and she might help you talk to your DH about it as this might come as a shock to DH, he might not take it in immediately and you really need to be heard on this. You've done nothing wrong, this man has manipulated and assaulted you. This probably isn't the first time this has happened. Good luck.

Don't envy you OP, as others have said, it's quite common. And so is projecting onto the recipient. My boyfriend's dad kissed me on the lips when I was in my late teens, and the boyfriend asked why I let him he'd left boyfriend's mum for a 19 year old so had form.

I came on yo day that I think he's doing it deliberately as a way of manipulating and controlling you.....

Then I read your update!

I have been convinced for a while that he is emotionally abusing his wife. And has been for decades. He is a nasty piece of work.

Yes, he most definitely is!

*to say

What a horrible situation for you OP. To have this happen, but also know this little family grenade will hurt your DP. Please remember the hurt will be absolutely none of your doing and the responsibility for ALL of this lies with that man . Cut all ties with him , I hope your DO and MIL do too.

I couldnt tell my dh.
how awful for you op.

He sounds awful. I hope it goes ok with your dh. Don't go near him or let your dds be alone with him.

Yuck. How awful.

Good luck telling your DH.