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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FIL a creep? Or overreacting?

309 replies

icksahoy · 22/11/2019 15:38

This is my first post and I apologise if this is lengthy or incoherent, but my head is all over the place right now.

I have been married for 7 years, in a relationship with my DH for 10, and have always had a fairly nice relationship with my FIL. He is a rather 'old fashioned' man when it comes to women though and we have frequently fallen out when I've felt that he is trying to control me. Mainly this is a result of me being out with friends while my DH stays at home with the kids (rarely happens).

Anyway, we fell out last weekend over this exact issue. Normally we don't speak for a few days then everything is forgiven. This time however he text me asking me to go for a coffee with him as "he is in bits and loves me more than I know". Alarm bells started ringing at this point.

I met him for a coffee and he insisted on holding my hand as we walked across the carpark. Kept trying to hold my hand while we had coffee. Tells me he gets jealous when I greet people with a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek, as I never do that to him. Asked me if I loved my DH and mentioned several times that he loves me. Seems to think that a good FIL/DIL relationship involves kisses and cuddles and hand holding. When we left he insisted on a hug goodbye and a kiss. So I kissed his cheek and he laughed and said no and kissed me on the lips.

This whole encounter has made me feel really icky for a want of a better word. And very uncomfortable around him. I've not told my DH exactly what happened as he is very very close to his dad and I don't want to break his heart. But I have told him that his dad needs to leave me alone for a while.

I guess what I'm asking is did I overreact? Is he simply being an overly affectionate FIL, who is wanting a good relationship with his DIL, and just getting it horribly wrong? Or am I right thinking this is really really creepy and I need to keep my distance?

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 22/11/2019 17:25

Awful for you.
Tell DH you've had a really horrible day and something has happenend that makes you feel quite intimidated and you don't know what to do....

MissMarpletheMurderer · 22/11/2019 17:33

Sorry not had time to rtft. But because of your post about getting funny when you go out do you think he is doing it as some sort of test, that he thinks you have loose morals and are only going out with your friends to meet men?

Campurp · 22/11/2019 17:33

Woah. This reminds me of a documentary I watched recently on sky crime. The fil was obsessed with the daughter and was inappropriate... the dil went missing.
I thin in you should tell your DH ASAP.

Groovinpeanut · 22/11/2019 17:44

Ewwww what a revolting man.
OP I would just be honest and open with your DH. Just explain and show him the text message. Explain you went to meet FIL and how he behaved. If DH is upset, well that's not your fault. It's his letchy Dad he needs to take the that up with.

Hedgehogblues · 22/11/2019 17:48

Why the fuck would you put up with this shit?

wafflyversatile · 22/11/2019 17:52

one way or another you need to tell him. it's his dad breaking his heart, not you.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 22/11/2019 17:53

q

user1479305498 · 22/11/2019 17:54

Sorry you have to say something to your DH. It’s hard I know but what next, he starts spreading lies to try and break you up etc?? I think he isn’t quite right in the head

holly40 · 22/11/2019 18:03

Thank you everyone for the support. I will tell my DH because of course he needs to know. I just need to figure out how.

Yes and do it tonight. Don't leave it, waiting for a 'good moment', allowing fil to get in there and twist the story to suit him. Or to further approach you.

Windmillwhirl · 22/11/2019 18:11

Good grief, that's so abnormal. 'Im also reminded of Susan Powell. Her fil was obsessed with her, even to the point of writing a song about his 'secret love'.

You need to tell your husband. I'm sorry you experienced this. He's an old letch.

WatcherintheRye · 22/11/2019 18:58

that message is not going to work and the use of "proper icky" (would an adult really use that language when dealing with a predator?) sends weird signals.

'Proper icky' wasn't part of the poster's suggested message to the Fil, it was the poster's own comment on the situation!

firewalkeruk · 22/11/2019 19:31

I am fil to three daughter inlaws and I have a good relationship with all of these women but my one rule is never get over familiar with any of them.
As regards to embraces and cheek kissing, I leave this to them to judge. Generally I will get a hug or a peck on the cheek on birthdays or Christmas. I do not push boundaries as I respect my sons, my wife and our grandchildren whose mothers these ladies are.
Your fil has crossed the line and your husband needs to know that his father has become infatuated with you. Make it clear you have given no encouragement. However be prepared for your fil to deny it or in the worst case to blame you.
I also believe that the other posters are right and what he has done constiutes sexual assault.

Original poster
icksahoy · 22/11/2019 20:02

@firewalkeruk I don't know what to say apart from thank you for commenting on this. Its so good to hear from another FIL that this is not acceptable behaviour and I'm right to be uncomfortable.

Everyone thank you so much for the validation that my feelings are not an overreaction and very justified.

I think I'm in for an uncomfortable time 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
icksahoy · 22/11/2019 20:16

@mbosnz what you have said is bang on. I'm really sorry if I have triggered some bad feelings for you.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 22/11/2019 20:17

No, FIL is in for an uncomfortable time.
It's all his fault, not yours for speaking out.

Interestedwoman · 22/11/2019 20:21

You're not overreacting. I'd be creeped out, especially by the forced kiss on the lips, and the asking to come over. xx

Original poster
icksahoy · 22/11/2019 20:33

I just have a horrible feeling that my DH is going to think I've taken all of this the wrong way. And he'll make excuses for his dads behaviour.

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 22/11/2019 20:37

Well it wouldn't be the first time I've heard of a father going after his son's wife.

I think soft but honest is the only way.

NoCureForLove · 22/11/2019 20:40

Well then you'll have another problem - but you have to speak up. I'm quite shocked you seem so uncertain where your boundaries are.

Longfacenow · 22/11/2019 20:42

If his name is Alan and his surname rhymes with Litsealed then he has form!

BrigidSt · 22/11/2019 20:54

He is grooming you. Trust your instincts.

HairyDogsOfThigh · 22/11/2019 20:55

If you think your dh will not believe you because he doesn't want to think badly of his father, could you approach it by saying a man (don't specify who to start with) did this to you, gauge your dh's reaction, I'm sure he'll be horrified and completely on your side, then you'll have to break it to him who it was. At least then it's more difficult for him to backtrack.

BumbleBeee69 · 22/11/2019 20:56

Please OP, do not let your Husband undermine what your FIL did. Flowers

DarklyDreamingDexter · 22/11/2019 20:59

You need to tell your DP exactly what happened, hold nothing back. Then distance yourself from this utter creep.

Sexnotgender · 22/11/2019 21:09

Definitely not ok. I’m sorry he treated you like that.
It’s not normal at all.