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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FIL a creep? Or overreacting?

309 replies

icksahoy · 22/11/2019 15:38

This is my first post and I apologise if this is lengthy or incoherent, but my head is all over the place right now.

I have been married for 7 years, in a relationship with my DH for 10, and have always had a fairly nice relationship with my FIL. He is a rather 'old fashioned' man when it comes to women though and we have frequently fallen out when I've felt that he is trying to control me. Mainly this is a result of me being out with friends while my DH stays at home with the kids (rarely happens).

Anyway, we fell out last weekend over this exact issue. Normally we don't speak for a few days then everything is forgiven. This time however he text me asking me to go for a coffee with him as "he is in bits and loves me more than I know". Alarm bells started ringing at this point.

I met him for a coffee and he insisted on holding my hand as we walked across the carpark. Kept trying to hold my hand while we had coffee. Tells me he gets jealous when I greet people with a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek, as I never do that to him. Asked me if I loved my DH and mentioned several times that he loves me. Seems to think that a good FIL/DIL relationship involves kisses and cuddles and hand holding. When we left he insisted on a hug goodbye and a kiss. So I kissed his cheek and he laughed and said no and kissed me on the lips.

This whole encounter has made me feel really icky for a want of a better word. And very uncomfortable around him. I've not told my DH exactly what happened as he is very very close to his dad and I don't want to break his heart. But I have told him that his dad needs to leave me alone for a while.

I guess what I'm asking is did I overreact? Is he simply being an overly affectionate FIL, who is wanting a good relationship with his DIL, and just getting it horribly wrong? Or am I right thinking this is really really creepy and I need to keep my distance?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 23/11/2019 11:02

@mbosnz what you have said is bang on. I'm really sorry if I have triggered some bad feelings for you.

Nah mate, not a problem - although my DH is now getting his ear bent as I have a fresh rant about my creepy inlaw!

Good luck telling your DH - definitely needs to be sooner rather than later given how your FIL is starting to play the victim/martyr.

I remember being given a hard time about dropping a previously good male friend by my parents, who couldn't understand why I had, and I just straight out said 'because he made a bloody pass at me, that's why'. . . sometimes just spitting it out, hard, fast and blunt is the best way to go. A bit like ripping a band aid off.

YouJustDoYou · 23/11/2019 11:03

"DH, you know I'm currently not talking to your dad. This is why -", and explain.

alvinp · 23/11/2019 11:07

OP from your last comment I would go further and suggest he has emotionally abused and manipulated his entire family, not just his wife. He has probably been doing this forever. The way he is playing the victim, and his son's apparent blindness to this suggests pretty long term programming.

You are right to call it for what it is. But you may have a job on your hands dealing with a master manipulator. I would suggest you might find it helpful to consider working with a good relationship counsellor if you can to help you and your DH come to terms with this. For him it is going to be hard, and to have some independent perspective from a professional may help you.

Best of luck.

Ps I am a dad myself but not yet a FIL and this is utterly beyond shocking. He is a creep, and he will not change.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 23/11/2019 12:42

This is disgusting behaviour and you're going to have to tell DH. I don't envy you. Flowers

EleanorReally · 23/11/2019 12:56

You dont actually have to tell your DH, as you say, it will break his heart.
But you can say you have your reasons and you want nothing to do with him. He was inappropriate, and leave it at that.

poorlymatchedsocks · 23/11/2019 13:18

God he sounds horrible Thanks

Sagradafamiliar · 23/11/2019 13:23

Eleanor, why are you repeatedly trying to minimise the pervert's actions? I really hope you haven't guilted the victim into not speaking out. Awful.

YouJustDoYou · 23/11/2019 13:30

You dont actually have to tell your DH, as you say, it will break his heart

Ok @EleanorReally, is that the advice you would give a child wanting to report on the behaviour of an adult?? "Don't do it! It'll break your daddy's heart!" No? So why just because op is a older female should she keep it to herself? This is what makes me so. Fucking. Mad. That women are encouraged to keep things like this to themselves, to save other peoples feelings. Are you fucking kidding?

LexMitior · 23/11/2019 13:37

I would do it sooner rather than later. There is no nice time but the wrong time is when days and days have passed. Your husband will be more inclined to believe it was a misunderstanding. It’s a sad fact of life that we are more inclined to believe people acting badly the closer it is to the event it was. If you don’t say something, people often consider (unfairly) that you’ve not been that distressed, or it happened differently and you’ve misremembered.

SouthernComforts · 23/11/2019 13:38

Ew what a horrible old perv he is.

EleanorReally · 23/11/2019 14:09

Come off it, I am not belittling his actions Hmm

Sagradafamiliar · 23/11/2019 14:11

So why should the OP keep it to herself, then?Eleanor

YouJustDoYou · 23/11/2019 14:26

"Come off it, I am not belittling his actions"

  • He was inappropriate, and leave it at that

And thus has all womankind been schooled to ignore/forgive all behaviour from inappropriate men. "Leave it at that" = don't bother following it up, don't bother trying to get him to account for his actions, ie let him keep getting away with being utterly fucking inappropriate.

BumbleBeee69 · 23/11/2019 14:36

DO not lie for this cretin or cover up .... Tell you DH what a creep your FIL is.

0SometimesIWonder · 23/11/2019 15:45

And thus has all womankind been schooled to ignore/forgive all behaviour from inappropriate men. "Leave it at that" = don't bother following it up, don't bother trying to get him to account for his actions, ie let him keep getting away with being utterly fucking inappropriate.
Yep, exactly.
I'd add "and carry on doing same to women in future because of leaving it at that."

EleanorReally · 23/11/2019 15:46

Because as said it would break her dh heart, fil isn't a criminal

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/11/2019 15:52

OPs FIL seems to have coercively controlled his wife and now he is trying same on with the OP. Do not keep abuse like this a secret, time to bust this wide open.

Abuse like described also thrives on secrecy; that is also how it keeps on going. You need to tell your H asap what his father did. Sod keeping up appearances here and sparing the feelings of others like your DH (all this crap about breaking his heart indeed). What about you in all this, this happened to you and you matter. Men like this FIL person hate women, all of them.

Sagradafamiliar · 23/11/2019 15:54

It's the FIL breaking his son's heart, not OP, ffs.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/11/2019 15:59

I would think that your husband knows deep down what his father is actually like but does not want to admit it. After all he grew up in this family and saw how badly treated his mother was at his dad's hands.

YouJustDoYou · 23/11/2019 16:03

Because as said it would break her dh heart, fil isn't a criminal

Ok @EleanorReally - WOULD YOU STILL SAY FIL WASN'T A CRIMINAL IF HE INSISTED ON KISSING A 13 ON THE LIPS etc. I'm "shouting" because you are frighteningly not comprehending the serious consequences of excusing abuse on females. YOU ARE PRIORITISING A MAN'S HEART over a woman's sense of security and safety. The fact that you have never been abused and thusly do not comprehend what this means shows your ignorance.

EleanorReally · 23/11/2019 16:09

@youjustdoyou

get a grip,
op is not 13

bit of a leap there

op is not back anyway

monkeymonkey2010 · 23/11/2019 16:10

we have frequently fallen out when I've felt that he is trying to control me. Mainly this is a result of me being out with friends
So he's ALWAYS been a nasty, boundary pushing dickhead.....and nobody wants to confront him on the issue.

I just have a horrible feeling that my DH is going to think I've taken all of this the wrong way. And he'll make excuses for his dads behaviour
Tell him he's no longer a scared little boy who has to kowtow to his abusive dad to 'keep the peace'.
It's about time they faced the truth - his dad is an abusive bully and a perverted lech.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/11/2019 16:10

I have been convinced for a while that he is emotionally abusing his wife. And has been for decades. He is a nasty piece of work

And yet you're worried that your DH will say you've "taken all of this the wrong way"? And that he'll "make excuses for his dads behaviour"? Hmm

I really hope it doesn't come to that, OP, and that DH's reaction is - shall we say - more appropriate than that

YouJustDoYou · 23/11/2019 16:16

Jesus fucking Christ @EleanorReally. Are you honestly fucking arguing age? You excuse men as much as you like.

13, 30,83 - no age is an excuse for abuse. YOU might allow it- but most humans males or females do NOT excuse the abuse of CHILDREN. I CANNOT FATHOM WHY YOU ARE TRYING TO EXCUSE a man's perverted behaviour.

EleanorReally · 23/11/2019 16:18

you were the one who brought age into it Confused
@youjust