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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

FIL a creep? Or overreacting?

309 replies

icksahoy · 22/11/2019 15:38

This is my first post and I apologise if this is lengthy or incoherent, but my head is all over the place right now.

I have been married for 7 years, in a relationship with my DH for 10, and have always had a fairly nice relationship with my FIL. He is a rather 'old fashioned' man when it comes to women though and we have frequently fallen out when I've felt that he is trying to control me. Mainly this is a result of me being out with friends while my DH stays at home with the kids (rarely happens).

Anyway, we fell out last weekend over this exact issue. Normally we don't speak for a few days then everything is forgiven. This time however he text me asking me to go for a coffee with him as "he is in bits and loves me more than I know". Alarm bells started ringing at this point.

I met him for a coffee and he insisted on holding my hand as we walked across the carpark. Kept trying to hold my hand while we had coffee. Tells me he gets jealous when I greet people with a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek, as I never do that to him. Asked me if I loved my DH and mentioned several times that he loves me. Seems to think that a good FIL/DIL relationship involves kisses and cuddles and hand holding. When we left he insisted on a hug goodbye and a kiss. So I kissed his cheek and he laughed and said no and kissed me on the lips.

This whole encounter has made me feel really icky for a want of a better word. And very uncomfortable around him. I've not told my DH exactly what happened as he is very very close to his dad and I don't want to break his heart. But I have told him that his dad needs to leave me alone for a while.

I guess what I'm asking is did I overreact? Is he simply being an overly affectionate FIL, who is wanting a good relationship with his DIL, and just getting it horribly wrong? Or am I right thinking this is really really creepy and I need to keep my distance?

OP posts:
MilaRos · 22/11/2019 16:50

This is not okay. Distance yourself from him and tell your DH

SexIsAProtectedCharacteristic · 22/11/2019 16:52

Awww op. You did nothing wrong, keep that in your mind. I hope your DH gives you a big hug when you tell him. Get it over with tonight.

readitandwept · 22/11/2019 16:53

@BeFire she did mention them.

The Susan Powell story is awful. Hadn't heard of it before, or at least don't remember it.

Tell your DH, OP. How are you going to get this sorted if you don't??

Yankeesocks · 22/11/2019 16:54

I couldn't even read all of that. NO that is not normal.

Garlicandherb · 22/11/2019 16:54

Definitely tell DH. It’s not your job to protect their relationship or your FIL’s marriage/hone life. It’s your job to protect yourself, and DH can have your back in doing that.

I know you’re worried, but you don’t have to go in heavy and say “just so you know, your dad’s a massive creep”, you can do it gently and ask if you can have a chat about FIL because you’re concerned about him, he’s done some strange behaviour, he seems lost etc. Show him the text, ask if he’s noticed anything odd in FIL recently. Approach it as a team rather than as you attacking FIL.

FIL sounds like a loose cannon to me, and I think you need to insure yourself against him saying anything odd about you to DH in the future by being completely open now.

Good luck, what a totally crap situation.

AnyFucker · 22/11/2019 16:56

Susan Cox Powell

hellsbellsmelons · 22/11/2019 16:59

Are you confident enough to tell your FIL the score?
'FIL, our meeting made me feel very uncomfortable. It is NOT normal to hold hands with your DIL or to kiss her on the mouth. It was totally inappropriate. I will give you the benefit of the doubt this time but if anything like this happens again I will be telling DH'
It's proper ICKY!

ItsNovemberNotChristmas · 22/11/2019 17:00

Wasn't Susan Cox Powell murdered by her husband? I'm not getting the connection to this thread.

Cocobean30 · 22/11/2019 17:01

Omg you need to tell your DH. When your FIL realises he is getting now where with you he is just as likely to tell you DH you came on to him and give this a big spin. If you have not already told your DH it will be 100 times worse. Why would you want your DH to still look up to such a creep? What about if you had kids, ffs. He is horrible.

peelingpaint · 22/11/2019 17:02

@Cocobean30 they do have kids. He's made a really horrible mess!

wowfudge · 22/11/2019 17:03

Jesus no - that message is not going to work and the use of "proper icky" (would an adult really use that language when dealing with a predator?) sends weird signals. Just tell your DH OP. And make it clear how uncomfortable he made you feel.

wildcherries · 22/11/2019 17:04

Wasn't Susan Cox Powell murdered by her husband? I'm not getting the connection to this thread.

Her FIL was disturbingly obsessed with her and stalked her. It's on record. He even admitted it.

KellyHall · 22/11/2019 17:05

Tell your dh immediately, before your lecherous fil can make it worse or twist it in to sounding like your fault.

ItsNovemberNotChristmas · 22/11/2019 17:06

wildcherries thank you, I didn't know that, I'll have a google now

SallyWD · 22/11/2019 17:06

That's really weird behaviour. You MUST tell your DH exactly what happened.

SallyWD · 22/11/2019 17:07

Hmmm could be a sign of dementia if this is new behaviour?

dontlickthelamp · 22/11/2019 17:09

This isn’t normal, you should definitely tell your DH. He deserves to know

starfishmummy · 22/11/2019 17:10

Well I sort of agree with SallyWD - while I wouldnt immediately say dementia, there might be a health related cause.

Mary1935 · 22/11/2019 17:10

Yes tell your husband - also don’t be alone with FIL again.

justilou1 · 22/11/2019 17:10

If you have daughters they must not be left alone with these grandparents.

mbosnz · 22/11/2019 17:12

If you have daughters they must not be left alone with these grandparents.

Words cannot express how fervently I agree with this. Which is yet another reason why DH must be told.

mbosnz · 22/11/2019 17:13

Also, what is the underlying cause, if indeed there is one, is not your concern or issue - that's for DH and his father and mother to sort out.

Your concern is that your personal boundaries are not violated, and that your wellbeing is not put at risk. Or your relationship with DH for that matter.

HyacynthBucket · 22/11/2019 17:15

If you do not tell your husband, and present a united front with him to his father, then you are complicit in a nasty secret, and doing your FIL's bidding. This could so easily be turned around on to you, so don't ignore it and keep a secret from your DH - if you do it will come back to bite you somehow, perhaps as seeming disloyal to your own DH and causing a problem between you. Don't have anything to do with this creep in future. If he knows that you went straight to your husband with his creepy behaviour, that should provide some sort of insurance against it happening again.. Just draw your boundary and do not let him come near you. You are quite justified in having nothing to do with at all in future.

Original poster
icksahoy · 22/11/2019 17:16

Thank you everyone for the support. I will tell my DH because of course he needs to know. I just need to figure out how.

OP posts:
BeFire · 22/11/2019 17:20

You're right, I just re read and saw the mention of kids. Please keep them away from him.
I might be projecting but there are family members I avoid now especially since my DD has gotten older and they are far less overt with their creepiness.