DP delaying wedding WWYD

[Angelrocket]

I’ve NC for this, as well as changed a few minor details so it’s less outing.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have a 3 year old DD, a 1 year old DS, and an 11 year old DSS. We jointly own a mortgaged house together, DSS stays EOW. DP and I are both employed, and work full-time. Both of the little children are in nursery full-time, which takes up a substantial amount of our monthly wage.

DP was previously married; he met, married, and was divorced from exDW in the space of 3 years, as well as having their DS, who was born just after they divorced. I met DP when DSS was 4 and I was not OW.

When we met, DP insisted that he wanted to get married again, and have more children. We got engaged after 3 years together, then started trying for a baby immediately, however instead of it taking a year or so (I was mid 30’s at the time), I got pregnant straight away.

We couldn’t get married immediately because DP had some immigration issues which he wanted to resolve before getting married again, which I agreed to. These issues were resolved earlier this year.

Originally I wanted to get married in church, as I am religious. DP said he didn’t want a church ceremony because it would cost too much. I have suggested a registry office ceremony instead followed by a celebration meal, which includes our little family and close relatives on both sides, so it would be quite a small wedding (in total 30 people).

We currently have about £12k in the bank. DP has now said that we can’t get married until we have at least £20k in the bank (this is not for spending on a wedding, this is just to have in the bank), on top of what we would spend on a wedding. I have worked out a total wedding budget of £3k taking on board his feedback.

I had wanted to get married in Spring 2019 as the immigration issues are cleared, then when that didn’t happen Spring 2020, however he is now saying not to think about a wedding until the money is in the bank as outlined above. I feel like I’ve been led up the garden path, as well as being resentful of him putting these conditions in place, and angry with myself for being so trusting.

Each time one condition is met, it seems he puts another one in its place. He doesn’t seem excited about getting married, or show any signs of eagerness to get married (e.g. he hasn’t applied for a copy of his divorce certificate despite knowing we’d need to take it to the registrar).

What would you do if you were me in this situation, and how would you go about it?

He doesn’t seem to want to marry you
It could be he is just marriage averse
Could be you is ‘the family averse ‘
Both are feasible and I think you need to talk to him about it
If he is otherwise decent don’t go all LTB but talk . If he wanted to stay and not get married would that be deal breaker for you ? As you need to maybe get clear on that before you tackle him

You are married in every way apart from legally. And I don't get his reluctance - it seems quite cruel when he knows what it means to you.

It's easy to say LTB on here, but with the reality of a home together and DC, it's not always that clear cut. What I would do is toughen up - make sure all contributions are 50/50 from now on, and take your DC on holidays.... if he won't pay his 50%, then leave him at home. Don't live your life around his choices.... they aren't your prison, OP, they are his.

@fit4more I've compromised so much in saying we could do a registry office with only 30 people that I would see going back to suggest to DP that we could do it for £150 with just us smacks of desperation. He would really think he's something special then lol

Thank you for the suggestion, but I really don't want to have that kind of wedding, and won't even pretend to him that I do.

@TowelNumber42 The £3k wedding is the registry office, I've done a budget on a spreadsheet for it. The biggest item on it is food and drink at a local restaurant following the ceremony for 30 people at £900. The Registrar's fee is £300 and the Town Hall fee is another £300. That's half my budget already. The rest is dresses, suits, rings, only flower girls, no bridesmaids and a few other minor items. I've kept it all really simplistic, which I thought DP would be pleased about. He just said the budget would run away with itself once we started planning.

@GreenTulips Yes. The only thing is we've already made our life insurance into trusts to each other, and I have heard they are pretty difficult to unwind. I might start looking into it in secret, and redirect it to the children instead.

You sound like a desperate doormat OP.
The guy doesn't want to marry you and is making one excuse after another.
Why would he want to fix something that isn't broke?
You've given him what he wanted, kids, a big house, the lifestyle - all subsidised by YOUR wages as you have always paid in more each month.

I also don't think he really understands how much it costs to feed, clothe and house a family of four and five EOW. I've said to him that he can take over doing the shopping, sorting the house, cleaner etc for a month so he can gauge why I spend what I do, but he says he's too busy
he is constantly going on about money. As a result of last weekend's conversation, we are going to have a minimalist Christmas as I won't be buying any gifts!
I think he'll eventually agree to spending some money on a holiday every few years, when the savings pot behind us is much larger

It beggars belief that you actually WANT to marry a miser!
You're going to have endless arguments over money because once married all assets are joint - and he will get a say in what you spend on the kids/holidays etc.

Nobody has a happy marriage when married to a miser and you won't either.
If you then divorce - it will be at YOUR cost as the higher earner.

I think you need to get counselling for yourself.

@Thehagonthehill The only doubt I have is why he has said we need to have £20k in the bank before getting married, otherwise I'd have been fine to start planning for spring 2020. Since then, a number of the pp on here have said he might still be married, which I hadn't initially been concerned about, but am going to investigate where I can now.

So tell him you've already planned things, you know what the costs are, and you would like to get on with it. And say it sounds suspiciously like he is looking for excuses not to get married when he questions your plans like this.

@FizzyGreenWater DP seems to think that if they'd not got divorced, they'd still have the flat and he'd still have his money

Just saw the Christmas present thing. Tell him you are going to buy presents just for you from the kids, and something for yourself, but as he objects then you won't include him. As it stands, he gets to object to a lot of the spending, but still gets the benefits of it, as with the holiday. So no presents for him.

@Ihavenopatienceforthis

To me marriage is not just a piece of paper. I was told years ago we'd get married when the immigration issues were resolved, and they have been. I haven't changed my position, he's moved the goalposts.

I think he was deeply hurt by his divorce, but can't admit it. I think he needs some therapy to resolve things about that too.

@FizzyGreenWater It's not just DP who could benefit from therapy before getting married, I think I could too. I am currently searching for the right one for me on the British Association website.

@Butterymuffin I was think that.

OP spends all her money does all the legwork. As her P does not agree or see the need for holidays/gifts/furnishing the house nicely and yet he gets the benefit of all of the above.

I’d for now stop spending anything on him. See how much he really doesn’t want to benefit from you spending money on these things.

To be honest it sounds like as life will go on you’ll take up spending for everything for a quiet life and the quality of life you would like.

@ohwheniknow DP was really good during my maternity leaves. We had tightened our belts beforehand, then when I was off he paid for everything. Our outgoings were considerably lower then as we didn't have two in nursery, and only bought the house during my second maternity leave.

We do operate as a partnership on a day to day basis, one of us will drop off children, the other picks them up. One will sort dinner while the other gets the children ready for bed etc.

The therapy thing about looking inside his head are his words, not mine. He's probably nervous about what they might find.

@Fightingmycorner2019 Thanks for the advice, I agree we need to talk, however have reached a bit of an impasse now.

@Span1elsRock that is how I feel. Married in every way except legally. And that's the only way that counts.

I'm now worried that if he's really not divorced and dropped dead tomorrow, his exDW would be his next of kin, and could potentially come after my house.

I'm going to talk to him about making a will this weekend, and hopefully another wedding conversation might spring out of that.

@monkeymonkey2010 I wish I was a desperate doormat, it would make things so much easier as then I would merrily just beg him to marry me!

As it is, his immigration issues have been sorted, so I started talking about booking the wedding for Spring 2020 last weekend. This is the first conversation we've had about getting married for a long time, as I knew it couldn't happen before he had settled status.

His life would be considerably worse if we split and he had to move out of the house, or we had to sell and he had to start again. I could afford the mortgage and the house on my own, whereas he could not, and he would also have two sets of weekend visits to co-ordinate.

I'm currently looking at getting some therapy for myself, as I think I would benefit from it.

@Butterymuffin That's exactly what I did when I showed him my spreadsheet last weekend, and he just said the costs would run away with themselves once we started planning the wedding, and he didn't want all the current money to disappear. He couldn't tell me what he thought the extra would be spent on though I did say I'd be saving between now and then, but he said I hadn't so far, so he didn't think I would.

@Butterymuffin That's a good idea, I think I will do that instead. I was dreading the children having no Christmas presents, as I thought he just wouldn't bother. I'll get them a couple of small things each from me (budget £50), and nothing for or from him.

@frazzledasarock Things have already started changing. I usually go out on a Saturday morning to do a big shop, this morning I didn't. DP likes to eat something different everyday, and although he can cook and does a lot of it, I cook more on the weekend as I plan then with the extra time.

When he asked me what we had in, I told him to look in the fridge (yesterday's leftovers). I'm pulling back from supporting him as much as I have been to date, as I agree that he shouldn't be getting marriage benefits with no marriage!!!

You can't punish him into marrying you.You say that you have a good life at the moment but that he(for whatever reason) does not want to marry you.
Money is obviously not the real reason so you need to find out what is or leave it until you have had counciling.

I did say I'd be saving between now and then, but he said I hadn't so far, so he didn't think I would.

Well, he's got a point, hasn't he?

He might have a point but OP has paid a car loan and home improvement plus 2 maternity leaves and a house deposit

Can you break down the costs? This is more you’ve invested than he has

@Thehagonthehill I don't want to punish him into marrying me. In the midst of my sadness this week, being a little petty made me giggle. If that makes me a witch, pass me a broomstick.

I have loved and supported my DP in every way over the last 7 years, and done so much more for him than I have written on here. To see the life I thought I was going to have evaporate before my eyes because he has changed the goalposts, hurts. And it hurts a lot.

@VanGoghsDog That's because I've been paying the majority of the bills during the times when I haven't been on maternity leave, and I have done since we first moved in together 6 years ago (our salaries were £35k and £70k back then).

I'll save my money in my account from this payday, and see what he says when it hits £10k.