DP delaying wedding WWYD

[Angelrocket]

I’ve NC for this, as well as changed a few minor details so it’s less outing.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have a 3 year old DD, a 1 year old DS, and an 11 year old DSS. We jointly own a mortgaged house together, DSS stays EOW. DP and I are both employed, and work full-time. Both of the little children are in nursery full-time, which takes up a substantial amount of our monthly wage.

DP was previously married; he met, married, and was divorced from exDW in the space of 3 years, as well as having their DS, who was born just after they divorced. I met DP when DSS was 4 and I was not OW.

When we met, DP insisted that he wanted to get married again, and have more children. We got engaged after 3 years together, then started trying for a baby immediately, however instead of it taking a year or so (I was mid 30’s at the time), I got pregnant straight away.

We couldn’t get married immediately because DP had some immigration issues which he wanted to resolve before getting married again, which I agreed to. These issues were resolved earlier this year.

Originally I wanted to get married in church, as I am religious. DP said he didn’t want a church ceremony because it would cost too much. I have suggested a registry office ceremony instead followed by a celebration meal, which includes our little family and close relatives on both sides, so it would be quite a small wedding (in total 30 people).

We currently have about £12k in the bank. DP has now said that we can’t get married until we have at least £20k in the bank (this is not for spending on a wedding, this is just to have in the bank), on top of what we would spend on a wedding. I have worked out a total wedding budget of £3k taking on board his feedback.

I had wanted to get married in Spring 2019 as the immigration issues are cleared, then when that didn’t happen Spring 2020, however he is now saying not to think about a wedding until the money is in the bank as outlined above. I feel like I’ve been led up the garden path, as well as being resentful of him putting these conditions in place, and angry with myself for being so trusting.

Each time one condition is met, it seems he puts another one in its place. He doesn’t seem excited about getting married, or show any signs of eagerness to get married (e.g. he hasn’t applied for a copy of his divorce certificate despite knowing we’d need to take it to the registrar).

What would you do if you were me in this situation, and how would you go about it?

It's a very horrible feeling when you feel like you've been had or strung along. How dare he dangle a carrot like that - it's not good.
I hope this works out for you.

@GreenTulips I just had a look at my spreadsheets (I have them for everything).

He put in deposit and renovations money of £50k, and I put in £20k, so he was +30k on the house purchase.

I pay 67% of all bills and he pays the rest. During the 6 years we have lived together he's paid £87k in to the joint account and I've paid in £138k, so I'm +51k.

When you net the two off, I'm still +21k, and will continue to pay in more until we change our living circumstances. The difference is now I'm going to save in earnest...for me.

My comment on therapy... I know those were his words. I was just offering an observation in case it came up again.

Good therapy is a partnership. Not a therapist bestowing their wisdom upon you! Good luck with your own search.

I don't understand how there would be scope for costs to run out of control of you've already budgeted for everything based on the actual costs of the precise things you intend to spend the money on.

I'm hoping I misunderstood your post that none of the children would receive Christmas presents from him if you didn't sort it out?

Does he know that marriage (or lack of) is a dealbreaker for you?

@Angelrocket - then he should be contributing his 12k bonus, as it's income, to some kind of joint account.

Show him the spreadsheet & ask him to put his money in. If he wouldn't, I'd be asking him to go 50:50 on bills.

I could never plan on not getting any gifts for my DC and DSS for Christmas because my DP was so tight. That would put me off him for a start.

OP it’s time to pay 50/50 for bills and when he asks why say you have been paying more than your share. Now that you see how things really are you will be keeping your money for yourself.

His life would be considerably worse if we split and he had to move out of the house, or we had to sell and he had to start again. I could afford the mortgage and the house on my own, whereas he could not, and he would also have two sets of weekend visits to co-ordinate.

You really do hold a LOT of the cards here. Literally the only thing which allows him to throw his weight around in the way he does, is that you let him. -

I'll save my money in my account from this payday, and see what he says when it hits £10k.

Why are you jumping to his tune?! He's moved the goalposts. Tell him thanks, but the goalposts are staying right where they are. The plan was marriage. I am not agreeing to that changing. I'm happy to leave the financial planning in your hands if you're worried about costs escalating, but if there's no wedding things will change here rapidly. If he doesn't want marriage, he doesn't get the perks. 50-50 on everything costs wise (you'll be saving now, as you don't have the protection of marriage on the way). First thing tomorrow you want to see proof of divorce, and a will made. Your life insurance is changing to go to the kids. Guardians will be appointed so that he doesn't have sole control. Etc. etc.

Fuck jumping to start saving because he's told you to!

But behind all this - I honestly wouldn't want to marry this guy now.

There's little in it for you. You earn more. All you'd be doing is giving him access to claim more from you if things went bad. And so far you've shown a picture of a guy who's not all bad, but who likes his own way, is emotionally problematic, and thinks he is the prime mover in the relationship even though you are the cash cow.

I would point all this out and say - actually, I think I'd rather stay cohabiting, and split things more 50-50.

He'll be booking a registry office before you can split, I guarantee it. I'm surprised in a way though that this hasn't occured to hm already... I wonder if on top of everything else he's not actually all that bright!

Why would you continue to pay more in?

Does he do more childcare?

I was dreading the children having no Christmas presents, as I thought he just wouldn't bother. I'll get them a couple of small things each from me (budget £50), and nothing for or from him.

In the midst of my sadness this week, being a little petty made me giggle.

This is so sad. Your relationship is being reduced to who pays what. Along with him pissing on your one and only holiday, which the dc really enjoyed. Even if he puts a ring on your finger now, is this really what you want for the rest of your life? It just comes across as so joyless.

I get your rationale about money and having s family pot of money.
My DH earns $40,000 more then me but it all goes into the same pot to pay for everything.
But we are married.
He gets the benefits of being married without the legal benefits for you.
Apart from this he sounds like a decent man, just very blinkered about marriage.
Good luck going forward 💐

Fizzy makes very good points. You have more power here than you think. You seem in awe of his attitude to money, as if it makes him superior to be disdainful about spending on anything other than essentials. In fact you should be proud - rather than being a frivolous spender, you've earned good money and paid for not only essentials but all sorts of life-enhancing things for your family. The holiday that you said your stepson still talks about wouldn't have happened if not for you. Yet your DP doesn't want to see the value in any of this. If it doesn't matter to him, it doesn't matter. The only thing I've seen you post about wanting for yourself on here is this wedding, and he's denying you that.

I've said to him that he can take over doing the shopping, sorting the house, cleaner etc for a month so he can gauge why I spend what I do, but he says he's too busy
I would remind him of this - cheerfully and matter of factly - every time he moans about money. 'Well.. you've said you're too busy to deal with it, so I think while it's me sorting it all out, we'll carry on doing it my way'. It's much easier to criticise than to take responsibility.

I wouldn’t marry him.

You sound lovely OP, but too submissive. Sounds like you’re working too hard mentally with all this, including running the household tasks he says he is too “busy” to even think about what it entails.

I’d string him along for a while if it suited me, but be making other plans. Put the boot on the other foot so to speaks. Have some fun, live a bit, including holidays when you want them!!

As others have said you are in a strong position financially and otherwise; he doesn’t want to marry you with some ridiculous excuse about money (is he obsessed with money?). Anyway maybe this is all a blessing in disguise!

Remember you’re the chooser here, you’re in a more powerful position in many ways. You will be giving that up for someone who is messing with your heart and head.

If it were me I’d start living it up a bit, including holidays 🙂. If he moans, smile and laugh and shake your booty and tell him you’ll send him a postcard. You’d probably have to subsidise Mr Anti Romance anyway . I suspect you come across as too keen and amenable and this has brought out his lazy side. Don’t give him any more of your money, the lazy chancer!!

He gets the benefits of being married without the legal benefits for you.

What legal benefits though?

The house is in joint names. She is the higher earner - if they split up after marriage she wouldn't get spousal maintenance, so she's not losing anything there by bit being married. They have life insurance to cover the mortgage if one dies, and the house goes to the survivor anyway.

Neither seems to have taken a career hit due to the kids.

They work together as a team on most things.

The only bits marriage brings, legally, is the right to make decisions if your spouse is ill and to take control when they die.

Tax (IHT) is the only other thing I can think of and, from the sounds of it, they've not hit the threshold yet anyway.

So, what legal benefits is the op missing out on?

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. In your shoes I'd be unsettled to say the least. I don't think I'd be saving money to ask him a few months about the wedding. He's already moved the goal posts once, you've offered him an alternative with a lower key wedding and he's still saying no. I think you need to either make peace with the fact you won't get married, or leave. Either way I think he's proved where his priorities lie, and he'd rather have savings than put your feelings and wishes first. I understand that if he's still married this gives you a 'reason', but I think it's clutching at straws

This all sounds utterly miserable. You rushed into ttc with someone you barely knew, who's not only from a different culture that you find alienating, but has had an upbringing that makes him emotionally stunted.

You sound like you don't know him very well at all, and there's no sense of passion or love or trust or even liking each other very much.

Your list of his good points is totally joyless and emotionless. You don't mention sex being any good. The holiday thing is just depressing and miserable.

Why do you want to marry him? If it was that you really wanted to be married, for security or whatever, you'd do it for 150 quid. No one needs to spend thousands on one day. He clearly doesn't like wasting money so why would he ever want to spunk 3k on a few hours, especially when he's already been married?

Having read the whole thread and all of your posts, I just don't get any sense of happiness or closeness or any positivity. I'm surprised that you are so keen to marry him when you don't seem to enjoy actually being with him.

He does seem quite dull. To have been together that long and only go on one holiday. That no joy stuff wears you down after awhile.

How does his culture feel about living together and marriage?

If he was left destitute after leaving his first marriage, how did he end up with so much savings in such a short time? Where did that come from? Besides that bonus, how much savings does he actually have or do you know?

He sounds very narcissistic. Bleating on about the past. Only wanting what he wants. Not wanting to spend money on his partner or children despite living with a high earner and earning good money himself.

I cannot believe your income alone is in the top 5% of the country yet he doesn’t want to buy presents for your kids or take them on holiday. That alone would make me run for the hills without even mentioning how happy he has been to sponge off you while simultaneously berating you for not having savings. Dear god.

To add, please stop giving him a free pass because of his cultural background.

Sorry that no one bothered to read that that 12k is his OP! Not sure if he can fleece himself! Ffs. Such bitterness on here

OP I'm sorry if I missed this but since he dropped the bombshell of the shifting goalposts last weekend have you told him that you're not happy with this and just want to get married? Have you spelled out to him how important this is to you and how his latest revelation has made you feel?

I would be doing this and monitoring his response. If it made the penny drop for him then all well and good. If he continued to insist on no wedding then you could proceed with getting your ducks in a row.

I wonder if he thinks you should also save towards the wedding and he wants to see you're not expecting him to pay for it with the savings that ONLY HE saved

@Newbie1981
Ooh the irony. He didn’t save the 12k. This was a work bonus. And instead of sharing the money and allowing op to save, he is hoarding it and expecting to live largely off her income. Ffs.

Plus she paid most of the home improvements and childcare, he hasn’t made any sacrifices to save that money - which is a fair point if he earns well, pays out very little and dislikes spending money ..... on where does his wages go exactly?

Does he send money abroad? Why hasn’t he saved anything? What does he do with his salary?