DP delaying wedding WWYD

[Angelrocket]

I’ve NC for this, as well as changed a few minor details so it’s less outing.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have a 3 year old DD, a 1 year old DS, and an 11 year old DSS. We jointly own a mortgaged house together, DSS stays EOW. DP and I are both employed, and work full-time. Both of the little children are in nursery full-time, which takes up a substantial amount of our monthly wage.

DP was previously married; he met, married, and was divorced from exDW in the space of 3 years, as well as having their DS, who was born just after they divorced. I met DP when DSS was 4 and I was not OW.

When we met, DP insisted that he wanted to get married again, and have more children. We got engaged after 3 years together, then started trying for a baby immediately, however instead of it taking a year or so (I was mid 30’s at the time), I got pregnant straight away.

We couldn’t get married immediately because DP had some immigration issues which he wanted to resolve before getting married again, which I agreed to. These issues were resolved earlier this year.

Originally I wanted to get married in church, as I am religious. DP said he didn’t want a church ceremony because it would cost too much. I have suggested a registry office ceremony instead followed by a celebration meal, which includes our little family and close relatives on both sides, so it would be quite a small wedding (in total 30 people).

We currently have about £12k in the bank. DP has now said that we can’t get married until we have at least £20k in the bank (this is not for spending on a wedding, this is just to have in the bank), on top of what we would spend on a wedding. I have worked out a total wedding budget of £3k taking on board his feedback.

I had wanted to get married in Spring 2019 as the immigration issues are cleared, then when that didn’t happen Spring 2020, however he is now saying not to think about a wedding until the money is in the bank as outlined above. I feel like I’ve been led up the garden path, as well as being resentful of him putting these conditions in place, and angry with myself for being so trusting.

Each time one condition is met, it seems he puts another one in its place. He doesn’t seem excited about getting married, or show any signs of eagerness to get married (e.g. he hasn’t applied for a copy of his divorce certificate despite knowing we’d need to take it to the registrar).

What would you do if you were me in this situation, and how would you go about it?

Some very sensible posts here. It's not right to write this guy off as a totally cynical marriage dodger at this stage, but at the same time there are points of real concern that OP would be wise to address.

As a pp said, it's a bit off that you have to do all the spending on things like holidays because he 'doesn't see the point' but then you're also doing things like supporting your DSS which is help he wouldn't otherwise have. Basically, you cover the core spending because you earn more, but you also have to cover other things because he says they're frivolous and not important to him.

Have you tried having a chat about what he plans to use his 12K savings for, longer term? So what does he think about keeping it for money towards the DC university fees, or using it for a once in a lifetime family holiday, or house improvements? Ask him for ideas. If he only seems to want to keep it in the bank for his own mysterious purposes, and is very negative about anything else, I'd be concerned that what's yours is everyone's, but what's his is his...

They had a flat with very little equity, which his exDW then sold to move in with her parents, and he chose not to fight his exDW for any of it. When I met him he was living in a house share with 3 other men. I think he feels he lost out financially in the divorce, though he doesn't really talk about it.

Really?!

There was hardly any equity in the property. He chose not to 'fight' the person who now has the responsibility of housing/feeding/doing EVERYTHING for their joint child for approximately 85% of the time for some of that small amount of money, and he feels he's lost out?!

Wow.

@MarieBambury I know I have no rights as a cohabiting couple, it was never my intention to be in one, yet here I am!

Thanks @Goldenchildsmum, I will do.

@Starlight456 I like doing all those things too, I thought I'd bring him round to my way of thinking once he saw how much fun it was, but he still thinks it's wasting money.

He didn't protect the deposit, so if we did split, I could walk away with half of something I never paid (as presumably I'd get half the house).

Boarding at 6? He may as well have gone into care. That's the way you should look at it. So:

I think it's set in him a single minded way of doing things, and once he's decided this is the way, then that's it.

Then all other things aside, he urgently needs therapy in order to start dismantling this way of thinking or he is going to spend his life hobbled by the damage his upbringing has caused.

Because the very blunt answer to the above is that well, unfortuately in the real world of life and relationships, that is not 'it' once he's decided on his 'single minded' way of doing things... unless he does want to be single. He is going to end up alone if that's the level at which he operates. This needs to be pointed out and he needs to take action. You should absolutely not adjust your thinking so that your family becomes dysfunctional in order to make things work for him.

Thanks @AndAnotherNameChanger. Savings hasn't previously been a priority for me in the past, I see where I went wrong with that. It won't take me too long to save a decent amount if I really put my mind to it, so I'll do that for a few months as well as checking the divorce papers, and see what happens then.

@RantyAnty Two reasons, firstly savings hasn't been a priority for me, and secondly in the past 3 years we have:

• Bought a house in London
• Renovated said house
• Had 2 children, so 2 maternity leaves at statutory pay only
• Both small children in full time nursery from 9 months
• Taken hefty car loan to ferry said children plus DSS

We now need to build then savings pot back up again.

Bills were split 67/33, going forward it'll be 60/40.

From what I’ve read he doesn’t sound financially abusive. The 12k is fairly in his account and the household income split seems fair. The only issue I can see is that he’s made a random goal of 20k in savings and has said he wants financial security before being married. However, you’ve said you earn well OP so that financial security doesn’t make sense. You sound like you’re doing well finances wise. I’m not quite sure what to make of him. I wonder if he’s just marriage shy 🤔 if you’re never going to get what you want then it’s best he’s honest with you. Maybe be upfront? Say “I’m prepared to get married for £150. Where does that leave us in relation to the 20 grand. If we’re not spending on a wedding then why do we need that?” I think you need to keep pushing on his reasoning behind it to find out the real motivation.

@Mummyoflittledragon

I've actually got another smaller life insurance that I took out which goes to my children. The children are also the sole beneficiaries of my work pension policy, so between them they'd receive 4 x my salary if I died. I'm also saving a monthly amount for each of them which means that by age 25 they will each have about £50k towards their house.

I'm definitely going to check out the divorce papers, and get a will sorted too.

@housebuyer101 Thank you for the advice, I'm glad your situation worked out well.

It sounds to me like he doesn't understand how important marriage is to you. Perhaps he sees weddings like holidays as a frivolity. What about suggesting a registry office marriage that isn't a wedding, hence no 3k spend? That will separate disdain for marriage from disdain for a wedding.

@Annasgirl I think he'll eventually agree to spending some money on a holiday every few years, when the savings pot behind us is much larger. The children really had a great time, and still talk about it now (DSS really).

Thanks @VanGoghsDog, that sounds about right. Also I wanted to confirm that yes, DP does pay maintenance to exDW for DSS.

@Butterymuffin he wants money behind us for any number of things; something going wrong in the house or car, redundancy, emergency flights to where he grew up, parents funeral, the list he's drawn up in his head is long, and it seems a wedding is way down that list of priorities.

While you are there look at how the house is split
You need to make sure if you are first to go the money goes to your children as you pay the biggest % - he could potentially take the house and gift it all to DSS or his family. Or spend it all on another woman!

I think you need to secure your children’s future and especially if they would be looked after by your family should anything happen and they can’t access any funds left

Just a thought - another benefit he’s getting without he marriage certificate

Why did you start trying for a baby immediately after getting engaged? Why didn't you wait until you were married?
I know you cant change things now but it is so frustrating.

Women make themselves so vulnerable when they put themselves in this position.

@FizzyGreenWater He said he put the whole £20k down as a deposit on the flat when they bought just before the crash in 2007, then sold in 2009 for less than they purchased, but just over their mortgage amount. His exDW took what equity there was in the sale, despite not having contributed towards it.

I have no reason to disbelieve he did do this, given he paid more than double that amount of cash into our house deposit, with my smaller contribution adding. So I would say him losing all of his £20k was a big financial loss. He had to start again from scratch. Apologies I didn't explain it more clearly earlier.

@FizzyGreenWater He also pays maintenance to exDW for DSS, and has done since he was born (as he quite rightly should, I'm just clarifying).

@FizzyGreenWater I've read about how going to boarding school at a young age can damage people. It's not normal to be away from your nearest and dearest for such long periods not of your own choosing.

I've suggested he seek therapy previously, so he can get some help in reflecting on some of his behaviours, but he refuses to have "someone looking inside his head". I don't know what more I can do to push that one.

I'm stuck as to why you want to get married.You have doubts already,he has his own personal issues that need sorting.
You would not be disadvantaged if you did split in the future but would if you married.
In your circumstances marriage would be low on my list of priorities too.
If you are otherwise ok in the relationship then stop focusing on marriage,it won't fix the things that are wrong.Fix them and then review whether you need to marry.
And get saving,this gives you choices.

His exDW took what equity there was in the sale, despite not having contributed towards it.

Perhaps he should look at it as a forward contribution to the upbringing costs of their joint son, which as resident parent he is never in a million years going to share even 40% of the true cost of, even if he pays maintenance exactly as required?

So I would say him losing all of his £20k was a big financial loss.

Indeed it was. Nothing to do with the exW or settlement though and everything to do with the financial crash. He didn't lose his 20k to her, he lost it to the crash.

You need to decide if a piece of paper is more important to you than the family life and financial commitment you have already made; and if your willing to break the family up for it
Speak to him and find out the real reason he doesn't want to get married, maybe he thinks you will divorce him and take everything as I suspect his first wife has, that piece of paper gives you more rights to do that even if you do earn more than him. It honestly sounds to me that the previous marriage as hurt him more than he admits

I've suggested he seek therapy previously, so he can get some help in reflecting on some of his behaviours, but he refuses to have "someone looking inside his head". I don't know what more I can do to push that one.

You can't. What you do is refuse to marry someone who won't take responsibility for a mental health issue which makes him defective as a potential husband.

If his real concern was joint financial security he would understand why it's so important for you to be married now you've had two children with him.

You've said numerous times how his savings were from his bonus so you don't view them as joint. The hit you took from two maternity leaves - have you borne that on your own too? Why? If savings were going to suffer as a result of maternity leave, then both of your savings should have carried the impact. They're his kids, right?

Where is the partnership?

Why does he get the final say in everything? He puts his foot down and you just have to suck it up?

Therapy isn't someone looking inside your head. They only look at what you share with them. And they're not mind readers.