DP delaying wedding WWYD

[Angelrocket]

I’ve NC for this, as well as changed a few minor details so it’s less outing.

I’ve been with my DP for 7 years, we have a 3 year old DD, a 1 year old DS, and an 11 year old DSS. We jointly own a mortgaged house together, DSS stays EOW. DP and I are both employed, and work full-time. Both of the little children are in nursery full-time, which takes up a substantial amount of our monthly wage.

DP was previously married; he met, married, and was divorced from exDW in the space of 3 years, as well as having their DS, who was born just after they divorced. I met DP when DSS was 4 and I was not OW.

When we met, DP insisted that he wanted to get married again, and have more children. We got engaged after 3 years together, then started trying for a baby immediately, however instead of it taking a year or so (I was mid 30’s at the time), I got pregnant straight away.

We couldn’t get married immediately because DP had some immigration issues which he wanted to resolve before getting married again, which I agreed to. These issues were resolved earlier this year.

Originally I wanted to get married in church, as I am religious. DP said he didn’t want a church ceremony because it would cost too much. I have suggested a registry office ceremony instead followed by a celebration meal, which includes our little family and close relatives on both sides, so it would be quite a small wedding (in total 30 people).

We currently have about £12k in the bank. DP has now said that we can’t get married until we have at least £20k in the bank (this is not for spending on a wedding, this is just to have in the bank), on top of what we would spend on a wedding. I have worked out a total wedding budget of £3k taking on board his feedback.

I had wanted to get married in Spring 2019 as the immigration issues are cleared, then when that didn’t happen Spring 2020, however he is now saying not to think about a wedding until the money is in the bank as outlined above. I feel like I’ve been led up the garden path, as well as being resentful of him putting these conditions in place, and angry with myself for being so trusting.

Each time one condition is met, it seems he puts another one in its place. He doesn’t seem excited about getting married, or show any signs of eagerness to get married (e.g. he hasn’t applied for a copy of his divorce certificate despite knowing we’d need to take it to the registrar).

What would you do if you were me in this situation, and how would you go about it?

If it were up to him, we'd never go to any birthdays, weddings, christenings, family events, we'd probably not even celebrate Christmas. Well maybe we would, we'd just always go empty handed if he had his way. I was brought up to never go anywhere empty handed, so I will always take a present or something if we go to an event. In the 7 years we have been together, we've been on only one family holiday (DSS as well), and that was in the UK last year. I organised, booked and paid for the whole lot, which came to £1,200. I asked him for £400 contribution, he gave me £200, and said he didn't want to go in the first place

I was married to a fucking misery guts like this who really hated the fact I was the higher earner. He wasn’t financially abusive and he wasn’t trying to fleece me but he let me know regularly and at great length how if I spent x (on myself) that’s y money gone “from the family” (we had no kids thank god).

• he doesn’t want to marry and
• probably resents and feels emasculated by your higher income

Personally I don’t think there’s anything else more sinister here than he’s just not that into you OP.

Which is a bit of a blow when you have two children together.

As the higher earner you'd be better off unmarried. I really regretted marrying ex. He tried to totally fleece me despite only bringing sperm to the party. Fortunately we are in france and pre-nups are obligatory. Our lawyer laughed at him.

OP, I get that emotionally, you want to get married.

But really, you shouldn't. You're the higher earner, and would be far worse off being married.

MN is notoriously pro-marriage. It's great if you're a SAHM, lower earner etc.

But if you're the higher earner, have property in your own right or will inherit, then you have to think very carefully about what you may lose.

Would it be worth seeing a solicitor to see exactly where you stand if you were to split?

Could be the best £300 you ever spent!

The thing the strikes me is he seems to want very different things to you.

You want him to enjoy holiday, giving gifts , socialising, marrying you.
He wants to just hoard money.

I will say it’s fine to do that if that’s what you both want.

It seems you are also trying to change him into something he isn’t.

You are compromising to a cheap holiday once every few years. There is so much imbalance here.

@Mummyoflittledragon it's his money! End of!

where does his wages go exactly?

He pays towards household bills, he's been paying towards car loan, he pays maintenance, he supported her mat leave, he paid the house deposit and he pays towards nursery fees.

All pretty normal for someone on c£40k I think.

@Newbie1981 - so it's ok for OP to pay about 2/3 of bills due to her higher income , but her partner is to keep his 12K bonus income separate?

He can't have it both ways!

If they share income to a joint account, then his bonus is income too.

If it's not, he can pay 50% of the bills

Agree with previous PP. you didn't see the inequality of him putting his work bonus into a separate account while you're paying proportionately more. Now it's a great opportunity to tell him that you'll drop your contribution to 50-50 to the joint account until you too have £12,000 in your own savings. That you'll see what you will do as a couple from that point. Say it and stick to it OP. It's important that you pay catch up from this month on the savings. Anything else and you are being treated as a mug.

You don't need the protection, and he's not keen. I fail to see the attraction of marriage in your situation OP.

Is it just something you've always wanted? Is a realistic rethink needed?

@MakeMineALargeProsecco I made a promise to myself a little while ago to immediately discount, ignore & not reply to any posts that use the word 'bitter' or 'bitterness' to refer to women.

It is ALWAYS an indicator of a spectacularly misogynist attitude (that can be held by both men & women). It's a horrible, sexist, cliche of a word reflecting a stupid belief that any criticism expressed by a woman must means that she's a horrible resentful dried-up old hag, probably eaten up with anger because her husband has left her for a younger model with blonde hair.

In my experience, no one who thinks the word 'bitter' is a brilliant scathing description is ever worth engaging with, even for a moment.

I'm not for a moment saying that you shouldn't engage with @Newbie1981 , but just sharing my experience in the hope that you might find it useful

@Slumberly

Completely agree. Bitter and Crazy are almost always applied to women. sexist and misogynistic meant to dismiss women who dare speak up or show any other emotions other than pleasant and kind.

I get your drift, @Slumberly

@Newbie1981
I love the way people use “End of” when they have no coherent argument to back up their comment.

I have loved and supported my DP in every way over the last 7 years, and done so much more for him than I have written on here. To see the life I thought I was going to have evaporate before my eyes because he has changed the goalposts, hurts. And it hurts a lot.

Don't you think you should talk to him, tell him its not just what he wants, or dictates.
This is changing your whole outlook on your relationship, you assumed he would keep his word, he hasn't. You have funded the lion's share, you are majorly providing the lifestyle he is profiting from, & he is putting financial conditions on the one thing you have said you want.
He will thus not be surprised if the hurt & disappointment you feel have a knock on detrimental effect on your relationship.

I think I'd take him at face value. He's not that bothered about getting married as he's happy as you are. He probably is genuinely worried about costs ruining away - as they generally do.

It sounds as if you have a good relationship. Talk to him. Save some money in your name. Save for two or three months and show him you can save, then approach the subject again. Reevaluate things then.

I think some posters are worrying you too much. To me it just seems as if you have different attitudes to money and the importance of marriage. There must be some compromise in what sounds a good relationship.

It sounds as if you have a good relationship

If you count being tied to a whingeing tightwad git a “good relationship”

A work bonus is still income, and should be used just like the op's income. It's no different. She shouldn't be putting more in financially while he saves his income.
He has compartmentalised that money and tricked op into believing it's not part of his salary too.

Marriage would be a bad path for op financially. I can't see how a relationship can be happy long term with one person dictating how all money is spent, even when they aren't contributing as much. No holidays or fun, sounds bloody miserable and a waste of life.

I also think that he's slightly panicking about that extra spare "car loan" money. You've already, rightly imo, spent money on a holiday that he doesn't value. The extra money is your money to control as you earn it, so in his view you are likely to get carried away on wedding expenses and maybe he feels you'll, in his opinion, fritter it away on other frivolous things as you did with the holiday.

Up till now it's never been a problem as you had joint goals and no extra money. Now you need to renegotiate.

Talk to him. Reassure him that saving some and some frivolous spending is the way to go. Remind him of the families pleasure about the holiday.

I don't think it's the marriage itself that's the problem. I think he's slightly panicking about your differing attitudes to money and he feels out of control with the soon to be extra money.

Compromise is the answer.

And actually, contrary to lots of opinions, giving him more control over that extra money could reassure him, because then he can save some of the money.
Only you know the dynamics of the relationship, whether this would be a good idea or not. But if say you have an extra £1k a month for example and you split that in half, he can save his half and then maybe he'll relax over what you spend your half on, be that a wedding or holidays.

@Slumberly and @RantyAnty not forgetting "Hormonal".

You and the children can go on holiday. Leave him at home.
1k . £800 for the holiday. £200 for him . He can feed himself with it when you are away .

then maybe he'll relax over what you spend your half on, be that a wedding or holidays.

Why? Why should OP stump up for his wedding and his holidays while he saves a nest egg?

I should have added though that you need to point out that his half needs to be saved in your name until you are married...

As a parent I’d say holidays are one of the happiest times. I was a disabled single parent on benefits and I managed one every year: good times. The OP has been ‘allowed’ one in 7 years and is well off and healthy with a partner, and even that sounded like a whinge fest. Wake up and smell the coffee OP. Then have one, with cake, and whatever else you fancy whilst you’re at it. Leave mr misery with his bowl of gruel and £12k bonus!

Sorry that was all a bit of poetic licence there. But such good posts on here I had to add. OP not been back, I suspect still tying herself in knots over all this and possible realisations. But there’s been some great food for thought on here for OP, and you have so many choices and possibilities.

Thanks to everyone who has posted since I last posted, I've taken all your feedback on board.

I mentioned earlier that I'm religious; I attended church this morning, and it really seems to have cleared my mind. Up until today I was feeling so sad, hurt and angry about the situation, however I'm not anymore, and I genuinely do think he wants to marry me.

Why? Because having thought it through, I now understand where he's coming from on the savings thing, although I think he didn't articulate it in the right way. I think he is very anxious about money, but didn't feel he could say to me you MUST do this and that with your money because I'm bringing in the bulk of it, so instead of saying something rational, blurted out that we have to have this random £20k pot before marriage.

Somebody who earns as much as I do really should have a good nest egg behind them, and I don't. That's something I'll rectify immediately, into my own account. In the next couple of years, my salary is likely to increase substantially, which means I'll be able to add more to the pot again. As we are a family building a life together, to me sharing finances is part of that. We have a great relationship otherwise, and there's a lot of love between us, so we should be able to get through this issue by discussion.

I'm going to sit him down later and talk about it properly (we've barely spoken since last week). I'll say I know he wants to get married as much as I do, so we should set the date for late Spring 2020, and tell our immediate families in March. By then, we should have at least another £8k in the pot, which should ease his mind. His response to this will tell me whether it's the right approach or not.