Is my daughter being unreasonable? What to do...

[EmmaWizard909]

34 year old daughter called us in tears last Saturday night, asking us to come over on Sunday as her relationship has broken down and her other half has left to stay with his mum so he can think. We live around 35 miles apart from her, and through countryside so it takes about an hour to get there.

We declined (my DH is 60 and gets tired after working all week) and we’d planned to use Sunday look at some fabric at a store 45 mins in the opposite direction. We were happy to speak to her on the phone and have a chat (didnt last long as she was in a state and didn’t want to speak for long) but on Sunday morning we received a load of abuse from her.

I’ve been told I’m a shit mother, im never there for her, I have my priorities elsewhere and would prefer to shop that support her when she needs me, she’d ‘never felt so low’ and we still couldn’t come over. She said she never asks anything of us of this nature and that she was clearly desperate and alone, and we failed her. We apparently only give her money, not emotional support. The list of accusations went on and on: mostly that we were selfish for going shopping when she needed us and we had all week to shop when she was at work (not strictly true as we both work two days in the week so don’t have as much free time as she likes to suggest).

My DH argued back, he was furious with her. I sided with DH but I’ve been unable to forget the conversation. DH isn’t having any of it and thinks we are right to defend ourselves but my daughter hasn’t spoken to me or him now for nearly a week. I’ve no idea what’s going on with her relationship but i can only presume it is over.

Is she in the wrong, are we? At 34 I would never have called my parents asking them for this kind of support. In fact I was married with children by then! Part of me feels she is over the top and demanding, the other part of me wonders if we dealt with this wrongly. Can’t talk to DH and feel trapped really because if I contact my daughter that will undermine him.

Any advice as to how to deal with this?

This has got to be a piss take! My dad is 66 and I'm telling you now they would travel 24 hours if they had to if I needed them never mind one

Well, your daughter knows now. I'll doubt she'll make the mistake of emotionally relying on you again. Hopefully she'll find a new partner. One day, when you and your husband are /ill/need urgent help, don't be surprised to find that she needs to get to the garden centre that day for cut price gnomes.

It's really sad that you and your H were unwilling to support your dd when she was distressed and wanting help. It must have taken a lot for her to pluck up courage to to ring, open up and ask for help. She probably felt very low and vulnerable and the fact that she rates lower in your priorities than cut price fabric must have really rubbed salt into the wounds. When she needed emotional support - you chose to go shopping.

I also find it odd that any support was conditional on her coming to you! I cannot imagine wanting to force my daughter to drive in a high rate of distress.

I would always support my DDs in this situation. When our DD went through a similar situation we went and got her and brought her home so that she could feel supported and safe. I feel very sad for your dd that she doesn't have any unconditional support at the moment. I hope she can find a good friend to help her.

The invite to our house was the same day - when we had hot back from shopping!

Oh well that's okay then. So long as you'd secured that sweet sweet bargain fabric!

My DH is the same age as your husband. He heads up a global professional team and spends weeks at a time travelling long haul and then works 10 hour days 5 days a week as well as weekends. He would be first into a car to help my DS if he was needed.

It is a long drive to my daughter’s and she was very welcome (of course) to our home that same day.

How gracious of you.

(a) An hour is not a long drive. And he's only 60 FFS! Or couldn't you have driven?
(b) Perhaps she couldn't drive for crying.

I'm in my 50s and would be heartbroken if my Mum prioritised shopping over consoling me through a relationship breakup. A year is a long time in a relationship. Appreciate it would have been disappointing not to go ahead with your plans and save a bit of money. But you've made it very clear to your daughter where your priorities are. I don't know what else to say

Wow. Very very mean of you and I would be devestated if my mum did that.

Maybe, since she was broken hearted, she didn't feel like driving to you through the tears and the pain... Also as a 30 year old with no children I assume she also works a "long week" actually full time not two days a week

You don't sound like you like your daughter very much at all to be honest

Emotional neglect is abuse. If we're going to throw the word around.

If this is real, you sound like shit parents.

We didn’t mention fabric to my daughter we’d just said there was a sale ending.

Well that changes everything.

I'm 40 & if I phoned my mum and asked for help with anything she or my dad would be straight up to me from 3hrs away.
I would think you have added to her distress & loneliness & hope the cheap fabric was worth it...

Out of interest (sorry if I missed it upthread) is your husband by any chance not her father?

My mum would move heaven and earth to see me and me her. And I would drop everything for my adult daughter.

I think at 30 I thought the fact we couldn’t come over with such little notice would have been respected by my daughter. We invited her to come to our house when we were home (mid afternoon) and had no reply from her. She has a car.

Such little notice? She was upset! She needed you and instead you went to get some fabric. Honestly shocked at your excuse! So so shitty. Your 100% in the wrong and I feel sorry for your daughter.

I’m 29, nearly 30 and I know for a fact if I called my parents upset they would be straight here if I asked even if they were hours away on a holiday.

Everything she has said to you is clearly true.

You truly sound awful. You don’t even work full time or your DH. 2 days a week and a bit of fabric can’t wait a few days.

Read your post back to yourself ffs. Absolutely pathetic. Why did you have kids? Serious question??

Your dd called you because she is obviously heartbroken and your response is, sorry my dh is 60 and tired, it takes an hour to drive to you, and I want to go to a sale tomorrow, sorry, go fuck yourself?

Like... literally why have children if you absolutely cannot be fucked to care about them? Did you think that once they are 30 you wash your hands of them? Jesus wept

Wonder if you'll be reminded of this situation every time you look at your important bargain fabric

"these posts are hurtful".... Nothing like as hurtful as your response to your child.
.... You never answered whether you would expect her to come to you if your husband left or died?

I’m willing to accept I am in the wrong, that’s why i posted.

I’m not sure the level of abuse we received from her was fair. How would you feel if those things were said to you by your own daughter you have tried your best for? Given up your life for actually.

Oh and 3 days a week driving is fuck all

Your behaviour is hurtful, the posts merely reflect your shockingly shit attitude and according to your daughter, it’s hardly a first.

It doesn’t matter whether you thought her relationship was worthy of the upset or not, the fact was SHE was in bits and asked for your support and you & her Dad went to buy fabric. Driving 45 minutes in the opposite direction when driving an
Hour to see your daughter was ‘too much’

I hope, for her sake, she goes no contact.

These posts are very hurtful

I imagine they are far less hurtful than the realisation that your parents value discount fabric over your well being.

I am with your daughter on this one .

You are not alone though in the way you think. I have the misfortune to know people who think the way you do . I know not to ask for help .

Your post has made me sad for your daughter OP. My parents are in their 60s and would drop everything to support me if I called them in emotional distress. My children are only young but there will never be a day where fabric shopping is more important than being there for them when they need me. Your daughter needed you and you've let her down very badly. And if these posts are making you feel bad, good - you should be feeling bad after how you've handled this. I hope your daughter has some other family or close friends who are supporting her.

The invite to our house was the same day - when we had hot back from shopping!

Oh wow. How generous of you.

Given up your life for actually.

How can you claim to have given up your life for your daughter when you have literally just prioritised a fabric sale over her?!

That was a pretty shit reaction to her heartbreak. Shopping came first??

I'm assuming DH isn't her dad?

She probably didn't want to drive as she was in floods of tears. Probably wouldn't have been safe for her to drive.

Could you not have went to her and left your DH to go shopping alone? He wasn't to tired to go out shopping was he?